[pistol2381]

I have never posted anything on the website before, but for a while now I have been looking through the internet to see if anyone has shared a similar situation to myself. I found this website really helpful to read through other people problems and the sound advice that was given, I'm hoping there are people out there who have experienced something similar and can help.

My girlfriend of three years split up with me about five months ago, after a month of no contact due to her anger with me, we then became friends again. I wanted more than friendship, she said that she needed to sort herself out before she could think about entering into a relationship again. We remained friends for a couple of months and were almost acting like a couple again without anything sexual, just friendship, spending 'alot' of time together. Then we began to argue a little I found it extremely difficult to be just friends, even a little possessive which is just not me, I was constantly worried that she would meet someone else and just walk out of my life again and I would be crushed emotionally yet again. Then she did just that she was gone, her mum sent me a text saying that if I valued her friendship I would wait until she contacted me, and it's been two months and all I've had from her is a text apologising why she hasn't been in contact and a Happy Christmas and New Year's Eve text. I cannot contact her even if I wanted to shortly before going our separate ways she was cut off from her mobile.

My girlfriend was very complicated we met and everything was perfect, like nothing I had ever expereienced before, I'm twenty five years old by the way. We met four months before I was due to go on a round the world trip lasting twelve months. Soon into the relationship she made me aware that she has bulimia and anorexia. Shortly after that she informed me that she is a manic depressive with compulsive obsessive disorder. Then I found out through a friend that who I thought was her one year old sister was actually her daughter, she found out she was pregnant shortly before giving birth at the age of eighteen. Hewr boyfriend and her split up shortly after being together for about a year, and that her parents had taken on guardianship. I felt generally sorry for her and although it might sound bad the problems weren't noticeable she was a lovely person who made me feel really special, and we really connected, and she was absolutely gorgeous. In the end she flew out to Australia to meet me and we spent eight months together, it was an amazing expereience although we argued a lot but we were so in love.

When we got home things began to change, she moved back in with her parents and now seriously wanted to take on a greater role as a mother which I understood. I got a more serious job, and some months later bought a flat, before going travelling I was just working as a barman. However I spent most of my time with her family and we became very close (she still lived at home), unfortunately I struggling to keep financially sound with the mortgage repayments so I had to take in a tenant. She couldn't move out because she couldn't really afford to pay any money, she was still living off child support and I think enjoyed living at home and could share parental responsibilities with her mother. Things nevertheless had become awkward at home, whilst in Australia her mother had built up a parental bond with the child, and things were strained when dealing with the daughter/grand daughter. Part of the lease on my flat was that tenants were strictly not allowed, so my only option was to get a girl in, I explained this to her but she wouldn't budge, she was so against the idea, saying that I was only getting a girl in to make it look like she was my girlfriend. It became a really big issue and yet I was still really strapped for cash. After her telling me that she had gotten a job has a head and shoulder masseur at bars, beaches and events. I was fuming, I just couldn't believe she would do this, it might sound a bit petty but I hated the thought of her going up to men, drunk men, giving them a head and shoulder massage for money, I expressed my concerns but she felt that the job would be good for her confidence after being down for a long time, fun, and put her in the sort of environment she liked. Stupidly I think out of revenge and a need to do so I got a tenant in, so I did, I didn't tell her straight away, because after I thought what have I done I'm going to lose her and that's exactly what happened, and she had finally started coming round to the idea of me having a tenant

Anyway to my point, I miss her terribly, we did become friends again, but now nothing, its my birthday on Monday and I doubt she will even contact me. She said in one of her texts that she needed time to get over me before seeing me again. And now it's been two months, I still love her, what do I do? I know I have to move on with my life, like she has, we walked past each other in the street yesterday and she didn't even acknowledge me, I wrote her a letter a couple of months ago saying that I would like to be friends, nothing mushy just a friendship letter, nothing! I'm doing the whole non-contact thing, should I just come to the realisation that we will never have anything again not even friendship? Any advice would be much appreciated. I have all these feelings for her. Part of my inner self tells me that I would probably be better off with someone without issues, but that inner self isn't my heart! I worry that if she does contact me I will just end up getting sucked in again and have to go through all this trauma again! Please help, I hope this all makes sense?

[fredg]

Hi, Pistol,
Love is hard at times, and getting over someone does take time. At about 20 yrs old, was really in love for the first time. But, while in college, and she in another college, received a "dear John" letter, saying she has found someone else. Took me a year to get over it.
As you said, this girl has moved on, for better or worse. It will happen, and has happened to most of us at one time or another.
The best way to get over it is to just hang in there, meeting new girls. Talking with others, getting involved with others, and even starting a new hobby is the best way. If there is something you really like to do, then do it to help keep your mind off her.
It will take time, maybe months, before you feel comfortable about it. I do wish you the best of luck, and try your best at meeting new people. It really, really helps.

[bizygurl]

I think you honestly need to move on, this girl seems like her world is full of drama. And that would be one thing to stay with her if she wanted you to be there in supporting her. But she sounds like she doesn't even want that.

Break ups can be heart wrenching but time will help heal the hurt. Like fredg said get out and meet other people, even if it's the last thing you want to do, it may help take your mind off things.

[pistol2381]

Thank you for your advice. I have been making steps to move on. Going out with friends, going to the gym, spending time with family and playing loads of sports.

The thing I find most depressing and disturbing is the thought that probably we won't ever be friends again, after being so close and sharing so much together. I could never have done that, and I thought she couldn't ever. As a women bizygirl, do you ever want to be friends with an ex, does it happen after time, or did you always avoid it at all costs because it doesn't work?

[talaniman]

Hello Pistol, Quite a situation your in.Friendships with ex's are tough because one or the other always has strong feelings and wants more than just a friendship.Only after you have moved on and gotten over yor attachment to this female can you even consider being her friend,how long that will take is anyone's guess.You've got a good start if you have things to do in your life and not think about either her or you contacting one another.Let time and space work to heal your broken heart and who knows when you see her down the road maybe you can be a lot more objective towards her without those fresh open feelings you have now.Hope this helps and good luck:cool:

[bizygurl]

Hi Pistol, To answer your question, The past two relationships that I had were very short term only a few moths and didn't end well. I got lied to and got cheated on and by the end of the break up I honestly didn't want to be friends with either of them.

The one thing I can say is whether the relationship ended up being a bad brek up or you guys were friendly about it and went your separate ways, its always going to be hard just remaining friends with an ex in the beginning. You have to get use to seeing each other with other people and having to deal with those feelings. It may work out with a friendship and it may not.

The one very downside to becoming friends with an ex is that any other romantic relationships you get into, your current girlfriend will probably not approve. And with good reason. Having "girlfriends" are one thing but its another to be good friends with your ex, someone that you use to love. That maybe hard for your next girlfriend and don't throw away a relatioship with someone else for a friendship with an ex. Im sure you wouldn't approve of your new girlfriend going to see or hang out with their ex boyfriend. You have to look at it both ways.
I think you want a friendship with this girl so bad because you got hurt and your trying to hold onto her. Time will heal these feelings. You will always care for her, but as time goes by you won't feel like you "have" to remain friends. In a nut shell, I personally don't think being "friends " with someone ever really works out. Aquaintances yes but no deep rooted friendship. Hope this advice helps. Good Luck.

[pistol2381]

Thanks, it's funny you should say that, she remained friends with one of her ex-boyfriends while we were together, I was very happy about it. They were together for about five months, five years ago. He could never handle us being together and use to get upset and put me down things like this. She use to reassure me that she told him that they couldn't be friends because he couldn't be just her friend. Hence I never really liked this guy very much but never really got involved. She always assured me that he was just a friend in her eyes, and she wouldn't think to do anything further.b Nevertheless he was always brought up in arguments as someone who would do anything for her. I hated that.

My ex hasn't got a whole lot of friends, and I hear through the grapevine as I live in a small town, that they spend a lot of time together now. I think this made it worse to deal with because however sad it sounds it felt like I lost. But then I guess it was unfair of her to put me in that position in the first place. Nevertheless this is inconsequencial now, I've got to move on and learn from this experience I guess, has anyone been througgh anything similar to me, and if so how did you find it / or cope?

For weeks after I use to go to bed thinking about her and wake up in the morning still with her on my mind, I hated it, couldn't concentrate on work, and I had just had a promotion so I was useless. We had such a 24/7 relationship that I always put her first and then when she broke off contact and it really felt like I had almost no one. I starting to turn things around now and meeting people, doing things that I wouldn't have done had we been together. But she still creeps into my head, and it annoys me to know that she probably doesn't give me a single thought, otherwise I guess she would get in contact. Has anyone been through a similar experience?

[pistol2381]

Sorry that was meant to say I WASN'T VERY HAPPY ABOUT IT.

[Wildcat21]

Dude - I feel for you. But, this gal has massive issues - massive. It probably never and never would be a healthy relationship.

She originally lied to you about a bunch things in her life - huge red flags. Huge.

2 months is not a long time to women for some reason.

I usually can not be friends with ex's I spend a lot of time with - when we share intimate times - after that I can't deal with them being with someone else.

I would get over her. I think she would be trouble for you the rest of your life and seems to manipulate you.

If she isn't contacting you - there is a reason.

The only way you can win back someone is if at the time of the break there was not lies, cheating, abuse - verbal or physical etc.

There are great women out there who will treat you better.

[bizygurl]

Pistol, listen to WildCat he got it completely right. Why would you want to be with someone who did lie to you ?She lied about quite a few things, things that she shouldn't have lied about in the first place. She sounds like she needs some growing up to do.