[stephybabyy]

Omg. Where do I start? I'm getting married at 18. On march 7, 2008. Which will make it a year that I've been with him. I know marriage isn't easy, and I've heard my share of marriage horror stories. And I'm aware of the obstacles we will face. And I will admit, we are NOT ready. I'm in school to be a kindergarten teacher and working part-time, he's working full time to go back to school. We both live with our parents. And have no clue still what we're doing after the I do's have been said.
The fact that I love him so much is what made the decision of getting married so wonderful at first. You think to yourself, that you're blessed enough to have someone...
But the more I thought about it. The more I talked about it with friends. Things started scaring me. Looking and shopping for rings, trying on dresses. Goodness. It's nerve racking.
And the part where my parents would disown me if I did get married to him
I mean. I can't put my question any simpler than, what do I do?

Do I fight and overcome the obstacles on my own dealing with the marriage
Or do I wait, because I know he'll always be there.

Do I give in to the sudden overwhelming happiness and excitement
Or do I second think what will happen to me, my future, and our families?

Do I learn from my own mistakes
Or stop, and catch myself before I make one?

I know he loves me enough that even if I changed my mind last minute, he wouldn't care
But I guess, all the talking about it, would make me feel stupid if it amounted to nothing.
Getting married, saying yes I'm sure. And then changing my mind.

Is the love we have something needed to prove a point.
Or will it not matter in the future?

[simoneaugie]

Many feel that marriage is a benefit, especially for the woman. I disagree. People change every minute of every day. A marriage license gets the government involved. To get their noses out of it, divorce or annulment is necessary.

Being excited about a one day ceremony, a symbolic display, is a small thing compared to committing yourself to this man. The marriage thing is exciting to think about, to talk about, but it is a small concept compared to your whole life. The commitment is what is really, really big.

Your parents would disown you if you got married to this guy? That's a point of stress.

Picking out rings and clothes for the wedding ceremony can be very stressful as well as temporarily exciting.

It sounds as if even if you decided to, and did marry this guy, it could be put off until both of you are out of school. I'd suggest a Wiccan Handfasting for 3 years. After the 3 years is up, re-commit.

[stephybabyy]

Many feel that marriage is a benefit, especially for the woman. I disagree. People change every minute of every day. A marriage license gets the government involved. To get their noses out of it, divorce or annulment is necessary.

Being excited about a one day ceremony, a symbolic display, is a small thing compared to committing yourself to this man. The marriage thing is exciting to think about, to talk about, but it is a small concept compared to your whole life. The commitment is what is really, really big.

Your parents would disown you if you got married to this guy? That's a point of stress.

Picking out rings and clothes for the wedding ceremony can be very stressful as well as temporarily exciting.

It sounds as if even if you decided to, and did marry this guy, it could be put off until both of you are out of school. I'd suggest a Wiccan Handfasting for 3 years. After the 3 years is up, re-commit.

What is a wiccan handfasting?

[simoneaugie]

A Wiccan handfasting is a form of marriage. It can be celebrated and witnessed by the group of people closest to the couple. The Government does not issue a licence for this kind of marriage, as far as I know. There are others who frequent this site who are much more knowledgeable than I.

Wicca is one of many branches of Paganism. The Old Religion is what it is called by some. Before the Romans invaded the British Isles bringing Christianity, Pagan, Earth-based religions were the norm. If you have watched the movie Braveheart, there is a wedding in it between William Wallace and Murron. The ceremony which includes both Gaelic, and Latin as languages, combines Roman Catholic traditions with a handfasting.

The simple vow and wrapping of the two people's hands together is enough for many people to feel married. Others feel more comfortable with a licence and a person approved to perform marriages.

"All the words in the world cannot make a marriage, only you can do that."

[mjl]

i will admit, we are NOT ready.

I must say, if your not ready don't get married. Marriage is a lifetime thing, not just some big party. You may be excited now to plan a wedding a buy a dress etc, but the fact is, a wedding lasts a day, but the marriage lasts forever, and if your not ready then its not for you.

[donf]

Steph,

Right now your are probably in a full fledged panic attack and everything is running rampant and out of control. To me that sounds pretty normal for any bride to be.

Take a deep breath and calm down! First of all, no one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to marry next month. Why do you feel you cannot take sunshine aside , sit him down and tell him about the battles and fears you are fighting. You may be surprised to find out that he has similar fears.

Your wedding date can be bounced all over the calendar for the remainder of this year and into next year. Also, you can end the worry about who to invite and what the bridesmaids will wear just by going to a Justice of the Peace for a civil marriage or ask your local Priest, Rabbi, Pastor to marry you in private and explain why if asked.

Onto the your parents and his, they can and will cause a lot of angst particularly if they go to war with you two. Remember, they are coming from a Love and Protection particularly in a daughter's case. On the lad's side, who knows where they are coming from.

Let me give you the short version of our marriage. Every word in this tale is true.

On 3 July 1965, my girlfriend called and asked if I was doing anything on the 10th. I said , "No." She said, "Do you want to get married next week?" I said, "Sure, what the hell, why not?"

Both my girlfriend and I were 18. Bon was in the U.S. Marines and was stationed at Washington D.C. Naval Yard. I was a smart a** teenager who lived in the Bronx.

We chose Baltimore since it was easy to get there by bus. I took Grayhound, Bon had said to take Trailways, We lost a good five hours of the day waiting in the wrong bus terminals.

Eventually we hooked up, and we were married. We had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into. Fortunately, our son did not make an appearance for four years so that meant we could be accepted into her (Italian side) of the family because obviously she didn't get married because of pregnancy.

Ah, the In-Laws (Both). On my side, my Mom wanted us to have an annulment because we lied about my age. Her side, wanted a divorce because her dad (a Scott) felt his daughter was now tarnished.

Eventually, we figured out that we were going to stay together. My mom refused to speak to me ever again, wrong, when she wanted a place to stay in Virginia, I became her best son, the one she had so much hope for!

Bon's parents were just a touch different. Her Mom pulled me aside and told me in no uncertain terms that Bon was her daughter first and my wife second so therefore if she wanted something done, and Bon could not do it it was up to me!

Dad, just told me, I would be spending a lot of time under the water off the coast of New Rochelle, NY if I hurt her.

With those two finger pointing one way discussions out of the way, I was absorbed into their family as if I was their son. For me family was what I wanted almost as much as their daughter's hand.

That was 42 tears ago. Both sets of our parents have passed away now, yet Bonnie and I are still together. And I would not change any thing about my lady. God did wonderful work when he created this maiden for me!

[Roxy42201]

Personally, I don't think it sounds like you are ready. You have only been dating him for a year?? That's not long at all. You need to be with him and really get to know everyside of him before you become committed in marriage. Why are you rushing anyway? You are young and have plenty of time to get married. I think the first step you should take is moving in together. But only when your ready. When you live with a man, you really get to see every side of them. Alfter you live together for a little while and you still want to get married... go for it. :)

[George_1950]

stephybabyy wrote: "...we both live with our parents." You are both still growing up. In a sense, we are all growing up, or the alternative. But it helps to have a certain level of maturity. I usually ask folks whether they have ever worked, filed a tax return, opened a checking account, purchased a car, made a loan, paid off a loan. In my view, the wedding day is nothing but a huge distraction. You must find a place to live, which means establish an account for utilities; and you need a budget with which you both agree.

[donf]

simoneaugie,

I believe Wiccan is a form of Witchcraft. Not at all a devil worship, but much like what was portrayed in the movie, "Practical Magic?" Is that a correct analogy?

I was taught by Dominican Sister's at a Catholic grammar school in the Bronx, NY Digging back through the years of sludge in my brain, I see that "Paganism" was defined for us as generally speaking as being other forms of religion or no religion at all and it was our job to love the pagan and to do what we can to bring them into the Catholic Faith.

Your suggestion to offer up the Wiccan Hand Fast as a form of personal marriage is illogical.

From your response, I got the feeling that "Marriage" leads the government into your personal lives and then cost's you serious dollars to dissolve the marriage.

For example, no one else recognizes the ceremony. Right there is show stopper. Neither , Federal, State or Local governments at least in the USA, would recognize the ceremony and as such, she could not be claimed as next of kin to her husband. Children would be considered bastards because again there was no marriage. She cannot file taxes with her non husband.

While our form of governments here in the US can sometime cause severe cases of aggita, for the most part it tends to leave most to pursue then own lives. It certainly is not perfect, I mean where else can you vote for the criminal of your choice to fleece you. But I can sit here in my living room and take pot shots at the government and not get arrested and hauled and dropped in a whole for the rest of my life.

[blk_beauty]

Hello, from what you just said it doesn't seem like either of you is ready. If you both love each other that much, then would it hurt to just wait like two or three more years? Wait until you can buy a house or at least you can have a drink! Relatonships are always better in the first two yrs. You have to really know him. Know how he eats, sleeps, if he cleans up after himself, what he likes to watch. Would he want to go out with the boys evey week end. You still have your whole life ahead of you. But if you feel that it's right for you, then do what makes you happy!!
Good Luck, let me know what happens

[Fr_Chuck]

The biggest thing I see is you need to live alone with your husband, not live with one set of parents or the other. Unless you can aford to be married, you should not be married yet.

Marriage can be done with a 50 dollar marriage license and a free pastor or a 40 dollar judge, so it is not expensvie unless you allow it to be.

[Roxy42201]

Donf, how can you disagree. They have so much to think about before making this huge decision. After you are married are you moving in together or living at your parents house. That makes a huge difference. Right after you get married, if you plan on getting your own place then that wouldn't be as bad, but if you both were still living at home then it shows that you still have a little more growing up to do.

I met my fiancé at 15. We are getting married this fall. We have been together for 8 years. We have been engaged for 3. When we both graduated college we wanted to get married right away but as we got thinking about it, we realized we had our whole lives to tie the knot. We decided to move in together and now that we are finished with school we are getting married. There were many times that we wanted to just get married, but now that I look back, I'm glad we kept holding off. Because we waited, we have saved enough money to pay for a beautiful wedding and honeymoon and even though we live together, we are going to buy our first house after the wedding. It feels right because we have planned and saved for so long and now we can do things right and not rush. Living with him, I found out a few things that I would have never knew while we were still living with our parents. And most of the time, it stupid little things that pisses me off, such as after he shaves, he doesn't rinse the sink off. After 3 years of living together he has learned that it pisses me off and he now cleans up after him. Or sometimes its big like his financial views compared to mine. He likes to invest, I don't. We just got two dogs a few months ago and we disagree about certain things then it comes to training. So I know in the future that we are going to have different parenting views, but its something you work for.

Overall, there is no rush. Know everything about him before you tie the knot. Why not wait? Why are you rushing?

[donf]

Roxy,

Please re-read my initial posting to this issued. Para. 2, I tell her that there is no one holding a gun to her head making her marry on 7 March. Secondly I asked her to talk with her intended to see if his head is on straight. Finally I basically told her the remainder of 2008 have a great number of days that can be used to get married

In all honesty, I can not tell her that getting married at 18 is by definition a doomed marriage.

Here's my time-line prior to marriage.
On June 6, 1964, I met Bon at my eldest brother's wedding. We dated on and off during the remainder of '64. On roughly 3 July, 1965, Bonnie called and wanted to know if I wanted to get married the following weekend of 10 July. We are still married as I write This note.

My disagreement with your note was regarding your advocating living together. To me, marriage means marriage, not shacking up with someone to see if you can live together.

Marriage means commitment, shacking up or "living together "mean absolutely nothing other than a cleaner way of saying shacking up.

[Roxy42201]

Donf, I'm not saying you can't get married until you live with someone. If you re-read my posts, you will understand that I think it's a good idea, especially IN HER SITUATION to experience more before tying the knot. I think because they are both young, they need to see what the "real world" is like. They need to learn how to take care of themselves before they can be committed in marriage.

Yes marriage is about love and commitment. If you love the person and can truly picture yourself being with that person the rest of your life then get married. But if you are 18, living at home with mom and dad, and only dating for a year, then I THINK it would be a better idea to hold off.

I'm not telling her not to get married, I'm simply giving my opinion, which is what this web site is about. It is about sharing opinions, expertise, knowledge, and experiences with other people.

Donf, the only reason I'm calling you out so much is because you disagreed with my opinion!!

Stephybabyy, you are your own person. If you are ready for this then I give you my best, but if you are having really bad "cold feet" then you need to sit down with your fiancé and let him know all your concerns. Communication is key. Everyone on this web site has an opinion, and you can't always go off what everyone tells you. You just have to listen and have an open mind. But in the end, this is your life. If this is going to make you happy and your parents are not going to diss-own you the go for it. I wish you the best of luck and let us know how you are feeling about it.

Keep your head up!!

[Wondergirl]

Living together before marriage has proven to be the absolutely worst thing a couple can do. It certainly doesn't guarantee success in a marriage!

I vote no. Don't marry until you're out of school, have good jobs, and have lived independently of your parents and each other for at least a year.

[mafiaangel180]

I think the main thing (age aside) is that you know that marriage is more than a dress, more than paper, more than a few words. It's an action, it's a commitment bigger than yourself. Though you are individuals, you are one; the other person's best friend, lover, protector, all of that. If you and he both know that you don't want anybody else to be those things, then go for it. Being scared is normal, but don't let that control you. If you know he's what you want, go for it.

Quite honestly, I think today's society has bred a bunch of commitment-phobes. You know, those who say "go experience stuff first." Generally that usually means sleeping around and partying. I never met someone who said they wanted to go to Europe and meet the Pope before settling down.

[Roxy42201]

Living together before marriage has proven to be the absolutely worst thing a couple can do. It certainly doesn't guarantee success in a marriage!

I vote no. Don't marry until you're out of school, have good jobs, and have lived independently of your parents and each other for at least a year.

I just tried to do some research and found...

"Couples who live together before marriage, and are thus able to test how well suited they are for each other, have more satisfying and longer-lasting marriages than couples who do not...cohabiting couples who are already planning to marry each other in the near future have just as good a chance at staying together as couples who don’t live together before marriage"

Sources from statement above:
Alfred DeMaris and K. Vaninadha Rao, "Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Instability in the United States: A Reassessment" Journal of Marriage and the Family 54 (1992):178-190; Pamela J. Smock, "Cohabitation in the United States" Annual Review of Sociology 26 (2000); William G. Axinn and Jennifer S. Barber, "Living Arrangements and Family Formation Attitudes in Early Adulthood" Journal of Marriage and the Family 59 (1997):595-611; Susan L. Brown, "The Effect of Union Type on Psychological Well-Being: Depression Among Cohabitors Versus Marrieds" Journal of Health and Social Behavior 41 (2000):241-55; Catherine L. Cohan and Stacey Kleinbaum, "Toward a Greater Understanding of the Cohabitation Effect: Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Communication" Journal of Marriage and the Family 64 (2002): 180-192

In conclusion, I'm not out to say what someone should or should not do. I GAVE MY OPINION.

Nothing guarantees a successful marriage. It take hard work, trust, communication, romance, and much more. I don't think everyone's marriage is perfect and it is up to the person do decide if they are ready or not.

[donf]

Roxy, :)
I have zero problems with you calling me out. If you disagree, let me have it. I learn from disagreements, as long as we squabble fairly I have no problem with you or any other.

That said, I still disagree with you on the subject of living together. To me that is anathema.

It's like saying, come use me until you feel like walking away. I care even less about studies that say you learn a lot by living together, Horse Hockey. At the drop of a bad situation both can walk away! What do you learn by that? Sex is fun, you got me there, I never would have thought that.

Come on, you move in with a male, basically to show him that you are worthy to be married to him. And you are therefore, now ready to give everything you have so he can sample the wares and decide if or if not your are worthy of marriage. So six months down the road, your Mom needs some serious short term assistance, He says no, not in my house! What do you do, move home to Mom to help her or stand your ground and point out that the house is yours also.

My perspective that you and every female out in the world we live in deserve respect and dignity, just by virtue of your being here. No lady should have to feel like she has to give herself away to any male to prove she is worthy of him. If a suitor wants to know the gal, let him work for it.

Show her love and respect her, court her. Never treat her like a conquest to be gotten for the sport of it. Living together brings nothing long term to the table, It creates more problems than its worth. And guess what, the sex is the same after marriage enters the field of vision. So, what's gained, again in my opinion, nothing!

[mafiaangel180]

donf, I have to spread the love around... but I totally agree with you!! Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

[donf]

Nothing comes along "Free" even the milk from the cow. But that reminds me of a story, I'll stick on the end.

First, I've never thought of my lady as a "Cow". If I had, I'm sure she would have used her free spousal autopsy card to eliminate that sort of thinking. :)

We grew up in almost different worlds. I lived in the mid south Bronx in NYC. She lived in New Rochelle, NY. These two locations are worlds and cultures apart. I met Bon by accident. Our mother's set her for my middle brother, but the U.S. Marines intervened and Weekend passes were stopped so I was subbed for Rich at my older brother Bill's wedding. Bon became my escort for the affair.

In my world a female was a conquest to be bedded. Not really true, but remember, I'm a guy so I'm subject to bragging.

Other than always having a fun time together doing nonsensical stuff, I did the Fifth Avenue Yell, "I Love ....". We were sitting with our feet in a fountain on Sixth Ave when a Horse cop chased us off. Why we even spent four or five hours one day in the "Sheep Meadow in Central Park", looking for a private spot to make out. Given all 6 million people were at the park day, we failed miserably.

Regardless of the reason or the type of assault I mounted, her answer was the same , No! Marriage had never entered our minds. To be honest, in retrospect we had no idea what an uproar when we eloped. I can tell you this I rather do Navy Boot Camp at Great Lakes in Illinois in shorts and a tee shirt in the dead of winter than re-experience that again.

We had no training or education on getting married, but there we were stuck with it. It took the better part of 4 years to learn how to live together and even fight fairly. Once we got that out of the way, our son popped in to greet us and the world went upside down again. So I can tell you that while there may be some wonderful training sessions out there, real married life is the teacher and taskmaster.

As to the story, We were living in rural Kentucky and it had been determined that the Catholic Churches of St. Williams and St. Sylvester's would be twinned.

Since I was Finance Chair for St. Williams, and Bon, the author and writer of the weekly bulletin, we were put in charge of setting up some picnics and get together for the parishioners.

During the first meeting, I suggested we pick a mid afternoon on a Saturday for the picnic, they adamantly said no. I asked why, they said afternoon milking. I asked "afternoon milking, who ever heard of such a thing. My antagonist then asked me just where I thought milk came from? I said Krogers.

I was then educated on how milk was actually collected and invited to help some day. Fortunately, I moved to Virginia before I had to help with the milking!