[karmasucks]

This is my first post. I'm kind of feeling awkward about the whole thing but here we go.

Basically the last 3 years has been hell. I just don't know what to do anymore or why I am the way I am. I hate everything about myself, my life, my present situation and my future.

I'm in a program in university that I hate. I feel like I'm going no where in life. I live with my family who all hates me and go out of their way to discourage me with every remark, like I can't ever do anything right or good enough. I'm an outsider within my own home. I've lost an aunt, and 5 friends do to strange accidents in the last 2 years. I broke up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years for absolutely no reason other then I was feeling ty about myself and thought she was to blame. I've had one serious suicide thought but never went through with it. I've been to a psychologist for almost a year and made some progress but now my funds have depleted and have no where to turn. I've currently had my dream of being a FIFA soccer ref destroyed by people who resented me for being better then their favorites. I quit reffing, playing soccer for no apparent reason other then being miserable and not feel the drive to go out. I have a new GF who I met and things have been good but I keep pushing her away. I don't know what's wrong with me. I seem to just self-destruct for no apparent reason. Everything and everyone pisses me off. I just want to die but I'm too big of a to kill myself. I have nothing to contribute to society or my life. I'm a wasted human being. I hate everything about myself. I'm fat, ugly, stupid and lazy. Not a good combo for life. The worst part is I feel like I'm trapped. Like there is nothing I can do to get out of this cycle of self-destruction and the more I try to resist and fight back the worse it gets. This paints the general picture of this thing I call life.

Do things ever get better? What is the point of living a life you hate? How do you fix self hatred?

[George_1950]

"Thoughts of ending your own life do not necessarily mean that you truly want to die—they mean, rather, that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. The pain of deep depression is intense. It is too much to bear for long periods of time." Check this:
If You’re Feeling Suicidal: Advice, Coping Tips, and Help
You need as many good days as you have bad days, and this can be a reality for you.

[hollylovesbrandon]

Well, there is not point in living a life that you hate. That's the point when you decide to change your life into something you like. Do WHATEVER you have to to get your s**t straight and fix yourself. You will go nowhere until you like yourself and are happy. Things do get better, I thought my life was over after I lost my mother to cancer, my grandmother to a heart attack and my sister to drugs within 2 years. I turned to alcohol to fix my problems and it just costed me a few months of my VERY valuable life wasted. You have to realize that you are a wonderful person and what you do matters to the world. There is nothing a therapist can tell you that you don't know deep down in your heart about yourself. Change you college plans, get a haircut, leave your house and live somewhere else. Quit making excuses for yourself and get off your as* and do something about it. Nothing is going to change if you stand still. And no one can help you but you. YOU have to make your decisions, YOU have to lead your life. Only you can change, and that's what you need to do.

[karmasucks]

I don't have the energy or motivation to help myself. I can barely get up in the morning and that's if I get up. You need money to make significant changes and I have spent all mine on university.

I do appreciate the advice I just don't know what I want or how to go about achieving this "nothing" that I want. I have no ambitions or goals. I'm basically just waiting to die and hoping it comes sooner then later.

[Choux]

I think you are in desperate need of seeing the whole picture, not just yourself being miserable. I think you are a good candidate for a 12 Step Program to help you get some inner structure to your life. You are floundering at this point.

There are many different 12 Step Programs available depending on your situation if you live in an urban area... in a University city, you should be able to find a suitable group. All you have to do is find a location and show up and say hi.

ONce you get structure and values into your life, it won't suck anymore.

[jasondbel]

Yeah I agree. I say get your fat into Alcoholics Anonymous and start working a 12 step program and mingle with people that have problems a hell of lot worse than you. I'm you seem more spoiled than anything.