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Brenok · Jan 27, 2008, 07:54 PM

Hi all - I have a dilemna. My son is getting married in March to a very sweet girl but who has very big wedding plans that are outside our financial limits. I am retired on a limited income and husband is disabled with no income right now.

First she wanted me to buy a Mothers dress and showed me some dresses online all in the $300 or so area. When I told her I couldn't afford that, she seemed quite dismayed - she had some picked out for me. So that issue has calmed down but now she sent me a swatch of material of a slate or steel blue silk color that she wants me to wear. I have searched high and low and still can't find anything affordable or that has her color. I am so frustrated - I am about ready to just find what I can and wear it.

Second, her mother, step-mom and grandparents are helping her with a lot of the costs. I know I need to send something but we absolutely have no extra money. I just don't want to ignore sending anything to help my son out, but what to do? We are just so tight - I would like to send something to buy the grooms cake or help with something small, but am embarrassed it will be just a little bit of nothing.

Third, she is having a Bride's luncheon in February late in the afternoon. She has asked me to come. We live 4 hours away, I would love to go but we don't have the money to get a motel right now or buy the gas to drive and our cars aren't that reliable. I told her that I didn't think I could make it but she always looks so heart broken.

What do I do?? Thanks for any advice?
B:eek:

bushg · Jan 27, 2008, 08:16 PM

Look into the possibility of buying a white or or offwhite dress and dying it.
I don't know where you live but in my area we have some great consignment shops and 2nd hand shops. Some of these shops even have senior discount days.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 27, 2008, 08:25 PM

You wear the best you have and don't worry about it, since she did not offer to buy it for you, you live and spend within your budget.
Believe me, down the road they will wish they had not spent so much on a wedding, and had used the money for much better reasons thierself.

But the issue is that you have a limited budget and you go and be there for your son, so a few busy bodies who have nothing better to do than think they are better than others may talk, but honestly who cares what those type ofpeople think anyway.

Be there in the best you have for your son and let them get over it.

shygrneyzs · Jan 27, 2008, 08:31 PM

I agree that you wear what you have. If your future daughter-in-law wants you in something special, then she should pay for the dress. When I got married, I would not have thought of pressing my mother-in-law on this. She was retired and still paying off her late husband's medical bills.

Check the second hand stores, check eBay, look in the classified ads, or maybe even someone can sew a dress for you. But to be honest - you will look beautiful in whatever you pick out of your closet.

NowWhat · Jan 28, 2008, 05:54 AM

I agree with what everyone is telling you. If this is bothering you, I would talk to your son and his fiancé together. There is always other things to contribute besides money.

And if you follow etiquette - then the grooms parents don't help pay for the wedding. The grooms obligations are the rehearsal dinner, a portion of the flowers and I think the minister. And then there are the extras - my husband and I paid for the photographer.

Honestly, I never thought about telling my MIL what to wear. I may have told her what the colors were and what my mom was wearing. She actually wore black. She looked beautiful. At the time, I wondered if it was a sign or something. :)

If you can't make it to the luncheon, send some flowers or make some nice gesture. If you can just sit down and talk openly about this with the bride and groom - they love you and will understand. I am sure they do not want to cause you any grief knowingly.

Brenok · Jan 28, 2008, 08:37 AM

Wow, thank you all for the great advice - you are awesome. We live in a very small town and there aren't many dress shops but I am going to look around and try to find an outfit as close to her color as I can and if I can't, I will do the best I can and hopefully not embarrass her!! I will send them a little bit next month to help out with some expense, fortunately her grandparents are financially well off and are helping with the major expenses. My poor son is such a laid back person, he would be happy wearing jeans and getting married at the courthouse, lol, but a girl's wedding is a big event so he is being his sweet self and going along with all of the plans and told me just to be me and don't worry about things so much. That is hard to do when you are a mom! Thanks again for taking the time to help me calm down!!
B

HistorianChick · Jan 28, 2008, 12:05 PM

Brenok, you're a doll. Any girl would be lucky to have you as a Mom-in-law.

Don't worry about this... she's obviously stressing out about her day - trying to make it perfect - and is forgetting that it's the people who make it perfect, not the surroundings. You will be beautiful in whatever dress you decide to wear.

I think its an admirable thing that you are trying so hard to please her despite her lack of tact. She is lucky to have you!

Brenok · Jan 28, 2008, 01:22 PM

Thank you for the kind words, HistorianChick - I am a worry wart, that is part of my mother hen nature! My future daughter-in-law is very sweet but doesn't have much common sense on financial thingies, she is kind of spoiled. She will have a rude awakening if she expects to be the queen of the world on my son's salary, ha ha (but he loves her and is happy, and she loves him dearly, so all is good). I will do the best I can - thanks again for answering and being so kind, and thanks to everyone else too. Bless y'all,
B

lacuran8626 · Jan 29, 2008, 10:58 AM

Invite she and your son over for lunch or dinner and just have a talk with them about the fact that you cannot afford to do the things that you would like to do, or that fit in with her plans and that you don't want to be viewed as cheap or as if you don't support their marriage. Let her know your budget for the wedding and tell her you will find an outfit that is appropriate, but to please not put a lot of expctations on what you wear. Let her know you will try to coordinate with her colors, but may not exactly match what she sent you. Ask her for a range of colors that would be acceptable (silver, dark blue, grey, powder blue).

There are many consignment shops with new dresses that have been worn only once or twice. There are also places that will rent out formal attire for women. Consider these options.

As for contributing to the wedding, I would suggest you figure out what you reasonably can afford and give your son a check. Perhaps you can cut back on something for a few months... get rid of cable or something? It is a big deal for your child to be married.

If there's no water in the well, just be honest and loving and supportive and know you have done your duty to your son.

As for the shower, it would be appropriaet to send a nice note and a gift. You can get pretty inexpensive things at places like TJ Maxx, or if you are handy and share her taste, you might be able to make something for her for their household like a crochetted afghan or something of that nature.

Brenok · Jan 29, 2008, 11:20 AM

Thank you lacuran - for some great ideas!! We live 4 hours away so it is often tough to sit down and talk but I recently told them I would do the very best I can to make sure their wedding is special even if I am a poor retired Okie, lol. I wish there were some consignment shops and rental shops in town, that would be great, but the best store in this little town is Walmart lol. The closest big town is 2 hours away. I am a plus size and have been looking at some plus size websites for special occasion outfits and found a couple that might be feasible, not exactly her color choice though. As long as I don't show up in spandex or a bikini, she will just have to accept what I wear, but I will make sure it is in good taste! Thanks again for your great ideas!

mraquino21 · Jan 29, 2008, 11:35 AM

Brenok, please don't worry about making them feel ashamed or anything they should be very tickled that you show up and support them in their special day. At my wedding it was simi formal but my mother and everyone showed up in nice dresses. My mother in law didn't have any dresses and in fact won't wear a dress plus didn't have extra money to buy a pants suit or anything. She showed up in black slack pants a button down shirt and a black vest. Some of my family talked bad about her and made comments and I was the first one to jump them about it and defend her. I was so happy that she came to see her only son get married for the first time it really didn't matter to me what she wore. You'll do fine and congrats on your son getting married. Treasure this day and enjoy it.

lacuran8626 · Feb 5, 2008, 09:26 PM

No problem... I hope you end up enjoying this event and not just feeling like you have to fit the part for the photos! This is my biggest frustration with weddings now... it used to be that mothers and other members of the bridal party were honored and thanked, and now they are rehearsed and instructed and chastised and ordered about like they are equivalents to the caterers and florists... props.

I wanted to mention that I was looking through a JC Penney catalog today and though it's not particularly snooty or high brow, they had some lovely dresses and gowns, and even cocktail suits, that were perfectly appropriate for a mother of the bride, many of which came in plus sizes. They were pretty reasonable.

Just a thought...