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    Saddened's Avatar
    Saddened Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 26, 2008, 10:28 PM
    How do I decode what my ex is really thinking or saying?
    Hi all.

    I'm new to this, but have read some of the feedback and think your advice will help me cope with my recent break up.

    Just a brief recap on what took place towards the end of my relationship...
    Things were great between my boyfriend and I, we were in love, and he spoke of marriage and kids in our future. Lately we were having more disagreements than usual but we sat down, spoke and decided we wanted to work it out.

    However, two weeks ago out of the blue he tells me he went from being completely in love with me to not loving me anymore and claims he fell out of love over the last couple weeks of the relationship. How is that possible?

    However, when he broke up with me he said to give this a few weeks and maybe there was still hope for us because he did care a lot for me (we had a four year relationship and I'm 28 and he is 30).

    A week after the break up he called to see how I was doing. I got a message from him today once again just to see how things were. I decided to call and ask if he had given us any thought and his answer was that he hasn't thought at all about us, has been very happy and doesn't see us ever together in a relationship in the future. He also said many hurtful things that I rather not speak of. The one thing I will say is that he seemed irritated and kept telling me that I wasn't very expressive of my love for him and he ended by wishing me luck in finding someone else because, in his words, I won't find some else like him and now a days some men are only looking for one night stands.

    So my questions... if he no longer cares, then why would he care what other men may or may not want with me? Why was he upset and throwing in my face all I apparently did wrong in the relationship if he is so happy without me? Can you really fall out of love this quickly with someone you claimed you were completely in love with? Or do you think he is teaching me a lesson...

    I say this because when he spoke of marriage and kids I told him I did not want kids within the next few years because of my career, and he didn't like that too much. I am an independent woman and I agree that I should be more expressive of my emotions. We had a one week break about three months ago and he claims that didn't help me put in the extra effort in the relationship and that I should have known this was coming because he said a couple times that if I didn't change he would leave.

    I see my mistakes but can't be held entirely responsible for what led to the break up. He is addicted to his job and the gym and I always was understanding of that and accepted it. All I do know now is that I am heart broken because he initially (two weeks ago) said there was still hope and I told him I still loved him very much and would be here when he had thought things through and was ready to come back so for the past two weeks I have been holding on to that hope but now he says its final. So I question, now that he has the upper hand and knows that I still care, is he just trying to show me what life would be without him and will he come back? Otherwise why would anyone who claims to be over you get upset while talking to you on the phone two weeks after the break up?? Yet, he wants us to remain friends and emphasized that if I need anything he will do whatever he can to help. I just wonder if because he is addicted to work, it's only been two weeks and he has been able to completely focus on that alone but once more time goes by, will he realize that work isn't enough...

    Can someone please help me make sense of all this. I am heartbroken and confused. I would love a second chance with him but wonder if the best thing to do is move on and forget him and I am aware that it will take time to do so. Any advice would be great. Anyone maybe go through something similar? I've been speaking to my family and friends but you know how that can be, they see me hurting and tell me to move on because we deserve better. So maybe the opinion of a third party not involved would help better clarify what's going on here. I apologize for the length of my story, I just thought that the more info I provided the easier it would be for you all see what's going. :confused:
    ISneezeFunny's Avatar
    ISneezeFunny Posts: 4,175, Reputation: 821
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    #2

    Jan 26, 2008, 10:42 PM
    1. He let you down easily. It's weird to me as women do this... and not men.

    2. he said something along the lines of... YOU HAD THE BEST WITH ME.. . screw that. And screw that guy. He wishes.

    I think overall, something went wrong in the relationship. You may/may not have noticed. To me, for it to be over so quick (within a week)... seems like he found someone new.

    You said you wanted a second chance, but from an outside perspective, why would you want a second chance with a guy who thinks he's "the best you've ever had?"... really? That's really not his call.

    Look for those two stickies under the relationship forum. Hope they help. You can vent here. It's free. And it's as good (if not better) as seeing a shrink. Best of luck.
    justcurious55's Avatar
    justcurious55 Posts: 4,360, Reputation: 790
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    #3

    Jan 26, 2008, 11:03 PM
    Sounds like this guy is kind of a jerk. The best you'll ever have? And then he tells you that some guys only want you for a one night stand? Ew. I have to agree with your family, sounds like you can do better. A lot better. I wouldn't bother giving him another chance. He clearly has no idea how to treat a woman.
    Saddened's Avatar
    Saddened Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Jan 27, 2008, 09:13 AM
    Hi
    Thanks for the feedback. It helps. I don't think he found someone else because out of the four years together, I spent two studying abroad and he was always faithful. He however has said some pretty hurtful things to me before when arguing but in the end he loved me and cared for me as best he could. At one point he even told me, a few months ago, that maybe I wasn't the one for him (this after an argument). Still, after we made up he admitted he loved me and saw a future for us together, marriage, kids, a home together, etc...

    That's why I'm wondering if now he's so frustrated with the break up that he says those hurtful things because he regrets it. Not to mention he is stubborn and proud and perhaps does not know how to approach me about reconciling and starting over with our relationship.

    I have made myself available to him and he knows how much I care for him and is taking advantage of that. He knows I will wait for him and in the meantime he's acting this way just to spite me. Do you think that with time he'll realize what he's doing and stop saying these things to hurt me and convince himself that he no longer cares?
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #5

    Jan 27, 2008, 09:18 AM
    It sounds like you and he aren't very compatible. He's decided that even if you haven't. That's not to say that either one of you is right or wrong but you're just two different people. I think you should accept that fact and move on. Better to find out now than after marriage and kids.
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
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    #6

    Jan 28, 2008, 11:22 AM
    The thing about a relationship is that it should be a partnership. It sounds like your relationship hasn't been a partnership for a while...

    It also sounds like this man has a very high opinion of himself and his sexual prowess... maybe he was the best you've ever had or can ever hope to have, but honestly, that is really not for him to say.

    Maybe he is going through an early mid-life crisis and you got the bum end of the deal. I personally wouldn't choose to wait around until he realizes that YOU were the best he's ever had... he obviously didn't appreciate you and what you had together.

    Something else that you said made me think that he was one of those guys that feels that "if-i-can't-have-you-no-one-can." You don't need that. When he broke up with you (after two weeks... I agree with ISneeze... sounds like he may have found someone else - just because he hadn't in the past, doesn't mean he didn't in the present) he forfeited his rights to know if you're with someone.

    Darlin, bottom line: sure, someday he may regret what he's done and come back to you. The real question here is Do you want that.
    wolfcandy2's Avatar
    wolfcandy2 Posts: 106, Reputation: 3
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    #7

    Jan 28, 2008, 11:31 AM
    A relationship is a patnership between two people if after 4 yrs he says hurtful things like he did then obviously he's so stuck on himself as being the best when he really don't know what he has really lost.Any guy after 4 yrs together with a woman that would do what he did,needs his head examined
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #8

    Jan 28, 2008, 11:56 AM
    After the way he has treated you, you should be mad and fed up enough with his behavior that you would have celebrated kicking him to the curb. What kind of love has you kissing his arrogant butt? Take those blinders off and see this guy for the jerk he is.
    Vuala_Ahem's Avatar
    Vuala_Ahem Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jan 29, 2008, 02:08 PM
    I think you have been taking the true approach. You have been honest to yourself in admitting that you still care about him. Don't feel that "he has the upper hand" because you've expressed that. Be proud! You are an independent woman! If he can still say you are not "very expressive of [your] love for him" even after he knows how much you're hurting from this, it sounds like he's too selfish to care. He obviously is hurt as well if he has to check up on you. Just a speculation, but maybe he wants to be hung up on his own pain to justify the breakup. All in all, sounds like there are years of hurt feelings here that were not properly communicated. I believe some time to reflect, I'm talking about months, would be beneficial for both of you. For the short run however, maybe reflecting on your own without listening to his hurtful comments would be good for you.

    Who knows, maybe months down the road, after everythings cooled. You both will be able to talk and... (fill in the blank)..
    summerw1nd's Avatar
    summerw1nd Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Jan 29, 2008, 11:23 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Saddened
    Hi all.

    I'm new to this, but have read some of the feedback and think your advice will help me cope with my recent break up.

    Just a brief recap on what took place towards the end of my relationship...
    Things were great between my boyfriend and I, we were in love, and he spoke of marriage and kids in our future. Lately we were having more disagreements than usual but we sat down, spoke and decided we wanted to work it out.

    However, two weeks ago out of the blue he tells me he went from being completely in love with me to not loving me anymore and claims he fell out of love over the last couple weeks of the relationship. How is that possible?!

    However, when he broke up with me he said to give this a few weeks and maybe there was still hope for us because he did care a lot for me (we had a four year relationship and i'm 28 and he is 30).

    A week after the break up he called to see how I was doing. I got a message from him today once again just to see how things were. I decided to call and ask if he had given us any thought and his answer was that he hasn't thought at all about us, has been very happy and doesn't see us ever together in a relationship in the future. He also said many hurtful things that I rather not speak of. The one thing I will say is that he seemed irritated and kept telling me that I wasn't very expressive of my love for him and he ended by wishing me luck in finding someone else because, in his words, I won't find some else like him and now a days some men are only looking for one night stands.

    So my questions...if he no longer cares, then why would he care what other men may or may not want with me? Why was he upset and throwing in my face all i apparently did wrong in the relationship if he is so happy without me? Can you really fall out of love this quickly with someone you claimed you were completely in love with? Or do you think he is teaching me a lesson...

    I say this because when he spoke of marriage and kids i told him i did not want kids within the next few years because of my career, and he didn't like that too much. I am an independent woman and I agree that I should be more expressive of my emotions. We had a one week break about three months ago and he claims that didn't help me put in the extra effort in the relationship and that i should have known this was coming because he said a couple times that if i didn't change he would leave.

    I see my mistakes but can't be held entirely responsible for what led to the break up. He is addicted to his job and the gym and I always was understanding of that and accepted it. All I do know now is that I am heart broken because he initially (two weeks ago) said there was still hope and i told him i still loved him very much and would be here when he had thought things through and was ready to come back so for the past two weeks I have been holding on to that hope but now he says its final. So i question, now that he has the upper hand and knows that I still care, is he just trying to show me what life would be without him and will he come back? Otherwise why would anyone who claims to be over you get upset while talking to you on the phone two weeks after the break up??? Yet, he wants us to remain friends and emphasized that if I need anything he will do whatever he can to help. I just wonder if because he is addicted to work, it's only been two weeks and he has been able to completely focus on that alone but once more time goes by, will he realize that work isn't enough...

    Can someone please help me make sense of all this. I am heartbroken and confused. I would love a second chance with him but wonder if the best thing to do is move on and forget him and I am aware that it will take time to do so. Any advice would be great. Anyone maybe go through something similar? I've been speaking to my family and friends but you know how that can be, they see me hurting and tell me to move on because we deserve better. So maybe the opinion of a third party not involved would help better clarify what's going on here. I apologize for the length of my story, i just thought that the more info i provided the easier it would be for you all see what's going. :confused:
    You said you wanted a second chance. Have you told him about it? And what was his response?

    If I were in your situation, before I told him that I want a second chance, I would ask myself again (just to confirm) how much I still want to be with him. I know you're still hurting, you still have a lot of feelings for him and therefore it's hard to think clearly why you wouldn't want to be with him, there's just too much emotional ties. Nonetheless, try to quiet down the chatter in your mind (the why's he does certain things) and ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship that you really want. No one can really answer this for you. Only you know what's best for you. Perhaps he says hurtful things to hurt you, perhaps he's angry and tired, and just doesn't want to make this relationship work anymore. It doesn't matter the reasons he does certain things. It's all about you now. How much love do you have for him? How much self-love do you have for yourself? Are you okay with how he's treating you now?
    If you really love him, and you want to give him a chance, then have a heart to heart talk, let him know he has hurt you badly. If he is willing to give it another shot, then it another try. If he's not willing, then why waste your time on someone who clearly doesn't care about this anymore?

    In the meantime, if you can't decide what to do, I agree with Vuala, take some time off to reflect, and talk to him when everything's cooled down.
    summerw1nd's Avatar
    summerw1nd Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Jan 29, 2008, 11:25 PM
    Whoops, I didn't know how I ended up quoting your whole post. Sorry.
    Saddened's Avatar
    Saddened Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jan 30, 2008, 12:09 PM
    Thanks for all your advice... You're all right, what I need is to take the time and reflect, focus on myself.

    However, for the past three days he has either texted or emailed me just to say that he hopes all is well with me and that he still cares very much for me as a friend and if there is anything I need, to tell him and he will do whatever he can to help. Is this some sort of game or is he really concerned? He knows that I'm hurting and to hear that he cares as a friend isn't helping my healing process. What do I do?
    summerw1nd's Avatar
    summerw1nd Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #13

    Jan 30, 2008, 06:50 PM
    There are some guys who truly are concerned about their ex's well-being. I have a friend who said the same thing to me once, that he truly cares about his ex, but he doesn't want to try to make the relationship work. My friend said he cares about his ex because it's been a long relationship, and his ex was like his best friend. Therefore he cares. But at the same time, there were just too much arguments in the relationship and he didn't think it was going to work out in the end. Perhaps your ex-bf has similar thoughts about this. Hope this helps.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #14

    Jan 30, 2008, 08:30 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Saddened
    However, when he broke up with me he said to give this a few weeks and maybe there was still hope for us because he did care a lot for me (we had a four year relationship and i'm 28 and he is 30).
    Letting you down easy while he is still considering breaking up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Saddened
    he ended by wishing me luck in finding someone else because, in his words, I won't find some else like him and now a days some men are only looking for one night stands.

    So my questions...if he no longer cares, then why would he care what other men may or may not want with me?
    Guys do that as sort of an ego trip for their own sake.

    Quote Originally Posted by Saddened
    Why was he upset and throwing in my face all i apparently did wrong in the relationship if he is so happy without me? Can you really fall out of love this quickly with someone you claimed you were completely in love with? Or do you think he is teaching me a lesson...
    He THINKS he is teaching you a lesson BUT all it is doing is showing that he somehow himself couldn't communicate that these things bothered him before but now that you aren't together he feels safe bringing it up.
    Some people can fall out of love but it shows their lack of commitment and their putting emotional feeling first and foremost in a relationship, in other words shallow.

    Quote Originally Posted by Saddened
    A week after the break up he called to see how I was doing.
    Go to No contact. He isn't interested enough to want you back and probably just wants to find out if you found another boyfriend so he can think about how right he is that "you won't find another...."

    Quote Originally Posted by Saddened
    He is addicted to his job and the gym and I always was understanding of that and accepted it.
    Maybe someday he will wish he had you back after he ends up with a girlfriend that isn't understanding.

    Quote Originally Posted by Saddened

    So i question, now that he has the upper hand and knows that I still care, is he just trying to show me what life would be without him and will he come back? Otherwise why would anyone who claims to be over you get upset while talking to you on the phone two weeks after the break up??? Yet, he wants us to remain friends and emphasized that if I need anything he will do whatever he can to help.
    Don't give him the satisfaction. Get on with your life and don't be there for him to call and see how you are doing. Then he will realize you took his advise and got on with your life.
    As long as you keep talking to him he is going to think he does have the 'upper hand' because you 'are sitting home pining away for him.

    He could also be checking up on you because emotionally he isn't over you but as long as he knows you are there answering it is comforting and helping him to get over you. If he doesn't hear from you and has to get over you without you picking up the phone or text back then maybe he will feel that empty spot of not having you there.

    If and when he really wants you back he knows where to find you in the meantime don't be available, he is just getting your hopes up.
    Don't chase the carrot on the stick
    applehead2007's Avatar
    applehead2007 Posts: 43, Reputation: 2
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    #15

    Jan 31, 2008, 01:22 PM
    I went through this EXACT experience just 6 months ago. I am 27, my now ex-boyfriend is 35. My ex and I were together for 4 years... he was ready for marriage and kids and I was "just not ready". We lived together and even moved to 2 different states together. One day he just ended it... we had be having some problems, but I was completely blindsided by it. I begged, pleaded with him... I wrote him letters and told him I was ready to get married and I just needed a wake-up call to realize it. He was also very mean to me during this time, refusing to see me and telling me he hopes I find someone else... just like your guy.

    The harsh reality was he already had found someone - a co-worker. They are together now and probably will be getting married. This was very hard to accept, because he was SO in love with me during our relationship and insisted I was the one. We also discussed marriage a few weeks before all this transpired. I really understand your pain.

    However, six months later, the other realization I have made is this. After four years, I should have been ready. I loved many things about him, but in the end something was missing. You mention many qualities about him, like that he works out, etc. I am sure he is ALMOST everything you are looking for. But if you are in love with a person, you don't need more time. You would probably be pushing him to get married. You can be married and have a career. People do it everyday. Bottom line is, he was great for the moment, but not great for a lifetime. That was my situation and 6 months ago I would have denounced this email, but now I know it's 100% true and I am on my search for the real man of my dreams.
    Saddened's Avatar
    Saddened Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Jan 31, 2008, 03:44 PM
    Applehead2007, did your ex tell you there was someone else when you broke up or did you find out later on?
    applehead2007's Avatar
    applehead2007 Posts: 43, Reputation: 2
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    #17

    Jan 31, 2008, 04:22 PM
    He did not tell me there was someone else until I was back home a thousand miles away, and only after 3 months apart. I was in agony the whole time. And he never fessed up to getting together with her before we broke up. I found that out through the grapevine. We no longer talk. The dishonesty was too much for me.

    Seriously, I think that you need some time away from this guy no matter what to get some perspective on what YOU want. Don't be manipulated into anything, especially a serious commitment! I think 2 months, no contact, will clear your head. If he is the one, and you decide you're ready to talk about the next step with him, he will also be missing you after 2 months apart. Then you both will know it is the right thing. But if not, you will have moved on enough by that point to know that there is another life out there possibly with someone else and you won't waste anymore time on a relationship that is going nowhere.
    Smiley36's Avatar
    Smiley36 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #18

    Jan 31, 2008, 04:58 PM
    Believe it or not this sounds very familiar to me, just from the opposite side. I was engaged a little over a year to a wonderful man; we thought about having kids, a future together... I thought I loved him. However, overnight, I felt distant. I mean it got to the point where I just wanted to move on... don't get me wrong, after we went our own ways I thought about him, just not like that. To that note, I care for him, and today or five years from today if he needs anything, regardless the time of day, if he dials my number you best believe I will go out of my way to help him out. And believe me, he said hurtful things, but I still appreciate him for the man he was while it lasted.

    I guess to sum it up... everything happens for a reason. Now that you guys went your own ways let things fall in place. Ait may take a while but try to move on. One day he may be the one coming to you and thanking you for the person you were and perhaps the great things learned from you!

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