[airwalk_man]

Hey Big Brains of The Internet,

Thanks for the advice,
I met a girl a month ago, online, great first dates. The quick and dirty is: She tells me she was sexually abused as a child, age 12, (now 18) by her step brother in his 30ties. She now lives with her mom in my town. Then proceeded to tell me she had "cut" herself once, and after she decided to seek therapy. After six month of therapy she visited her fathers place (subsequently also the home of the step brother) and her therapist got very mad at her and they parted ways. Everything seemed pretty normal, until last night when she took her jeans off and showed two bandages on her upper thigh. She then proceeded to tell me she cut herself again. It sounds like she doesn't cut herself in a suicidal way, but (stupid question) it leads to it? Or is this a way to feel something?
Therefore tonight, I decided to call it off between us (4 weeks), and explained to her that she needed to find some help. She proceeded to ask "Your leaving because I cut myself??"

I liked this girl. But it seems like she needs some time for herself, if its even more therapy, or something. Was I told cold in my delivery? Thanks again for the incite.

[mafiaangel180]

I think you did the right thing. The relationship was only four weeks, and you used sound judgement and got out of there. I would think it would be a different story if you both invested feelings, time, love, and what not into the relationship.

She has some problems right now, and she is in no position to be in a relationship. This girl needs therapy. And no, cutting doesn't always lead to suicide. But even if she was suicidal, I hope you wouldn't stay for that reason.

[Fr_Chuck]

If you like here you could be there and support her. She does not seem to have this very bad ( like cutting herself every day as some do)

And a good counselor would never show anger, so this may be an excuse she is using to stop treatment also, she needs to be supported to go getmore help.

[Bluerose]

You did the right thing. She obviously has lots of problems and they are going to take a long time to be worked through. Some people, not all, in that situation are not so much looking for a boyfriend as a sympathetic therapist substitute. You could not take all that on board, believe me, you are not strong enough. As for the cutting it is their way of releasing the pain that they cannot express. Stay clear.

[HistorianChick]

You shouldn't feel guilty about breaking off the relationship because of her cutting. I think that if you stayed with her because of the fact that she cuts herself it would be a type of reverse psychology - the whole "I'm going to be there to reform her because she'll hurt herself if I leave."

Many people fall into the trap of "if I leave, they'll hurt themselves" and stay in the relationship despite their own conscience.

I agree with the above posters, I think you did the right thing. She needs help... help you cannot give her. Be there for her, support her rehabilitation, be the friend she needs.

[Miss Sparkle]

She doesn't cut herself because she's suicidal, it's a way of her to cope with the emotions and pain of her abuse.
I myself am a self harmer, therapy doesn't help me, the only thing that has helped me to cope and not hurt myself has been the support and love of my family and friends.
She will always be a self harmer, like there is no such thing as an ex-junkie. It will always be part of her life, whether she harms herself or not. The only thing you can do is to support her, whether you're in her life as her friend or a partner she still needs support.
She told you about her problems which shows she's ready to deal with it. Most self harmers struggle to cope with it on their own, so be there for her.

[airwalk_man]

She doesnt cut herself because she's suicidal, it's a way of her to cope with the emotions and pain of her abuse.
I myself am a self harmer, therapy doesnt help me, the only thing that has helped me to cope and not hurt myself has been the support and love of my family and friends.
She will always be a self harmer, like there is no such thing as an ex-junkie. It will always be part of her life, whether she harms herself or not. The only thing you can do is to support her, whether you're in her life as her friend or a partner she still needs support.
She told you about her problems which shows shes ready to deal with it. Most self harmers struggle to cope with it on their own, so be there for her.

Interesting! That's what I mean.. She is a proclaimed "self-harmer".. I'm interested in the idea of how someone can harm themselves, without suicidal tendencies, and actually become addicted to it? (you used the word junkie) I realize, this is a coping mechanism but what release does it give someone? Unfortunately, I don't think I can keep a friendship with her because of depth of her problems, and she still lives with her quote "best friend" her mom, but I don't think she truly talks with her. This is also a concern because it means she's not going to be the peer I am looking for in a partner.
Thanks Sparkle

Thanks Repliers! (Big Brains of the Internet)

[Miss Sparkle]

Its difficult to explain but when I cut myself the physical pain of the cut distracts me from the emotional pain I'm feeling inside, to me physical pain is easier to cope with. To see the blood its like the problem is kind of flowing out of me like the blood is.
Once you have felt this, it makes you feel good for a while and you want to do it again.

[Wondergirl]

I'm interested in the idea of how someone can harm themselves, without suicidal tendencies, and actually become addicted to it? (you used the word junkie) I realize, this is a coping mechanism but what release does it give someone?

The person who is obsessive-compulsive releases anxiety when he washes or counts or lines up pencils (but the anxiety begins to build again soon after). The person who is depressed releases anxiety when he cries or wrings his hands (but the anxiety begins to build again soon after). The person who cuts releases anxiety when he harms himself by drawing a sharp object across some part of his body and seeing his own blood ooze out (but the anxiety begins to build again soon after).

Finding ways to release anxiety gives a person control, a control he does not have in his life otherwise. It may be inappropriate control or a very small bit of control, but it's still control of some kind. For instance, the anorexic binges, becomes anxious, and then "takes control" by purging. In every mental illness, there is an effort to relieve anxiety by taking control somehow.

The first job of a counselor or therapist is to help a client find positive control.

[airwalk_man]

The person who is obsessive-compulsive releases anxiety when he washes or counts or lines up pencils (but the anxiety begins to build again soon after). The person who is depressed releases anxiety when he cries or wrings his hands (but the anxiety begins to build again soon after). The person who cuts releases anxiety when he harms himself by drawing a sharp object across some part of his body and seeing his own blood ooze out (but the anxiety begins to build again soon after).

Finding ways to release anxiety gives a person control, a control he does not have in his life otherwise. It may be inappropriate control or a very small bit of control, but it's still control of some kind. For instance, the anorexic binges, becomes anxious, and then "takes control" by purging. In every mental illness, there is an effort to relieve anxiety by taking control somehow.

The first job of a counselor or therapist is to help a client find positive control.

Thanks this is great stuff! Its definitely helping my understanding.

[peggyhill]

I don't think you should feel bad for calling things off, esp. as you weren't dating for long. If you see her, tell her you're there for her as a friend if she needs to talk. Right now, she needs see a counselor and make her mental and physical health priority #1. It's not good to start relationships with unresolved issues like that.

Here is an article about cutting that may help you understand more.

Cutting

I wonder if seeing the abuser is what made her fall back into this behavior. I really hope she returns to counseling. If not with the first counselor, then with someone different.

[shaybug]

Well maybe you should have showed her that there's better things in life then cutting herself see I use to till I meet this boy 6 yrs ago and he helped me out a lot an I've never cut myself again