[Alostwife]

I just recently got married to my high school boyfriend of six years. We have a two year old so together and have never been apart. My husband is the "perfect" man. He is sweet, funning, hardworking, great father and wants everything for me. My husband and I share a close group of best friends whom all are married or long relationships. His best friend just recently split up with my old best friend. My husband asked me to talk to him to help him deal with the separation. Over time we have become really close on the phone.
The other night he expressed to me that he has always had strong feelings for me, but he would never act on them. Since then I can't get him out of my head. I have ALWAYS known there was a connection between us, but never said anything. My marriage is steady but we have our differences. Sometimes I think we are together due to our son. I love my husband, but I am falling in love with his best friend. We talk a lot and I have tried to stop but it is just too hard. I don't have a lot of friends to turn to outside of this group and I need help. I've even considered leaving my husband. I'm young and feel like I can't take the pressure of being a stay at home mom and not having anyone that cares about me around. I feel trapped and at a crossroad in my life. I know a relationship won't work with this guy, but I am longing for attention. I tried to talk to my husband last night (which I think he has an idea), but he just gets so angry. I know if I come clean it will destroy his friendship and everything else. We have up coming vacations with everyone and I don't want it to be awkward. How do I get this is guy out of my head?? I know he is still in love with his ex also.
I love my husband with all my heart; I am just losing sight of being IN love with him. I feel like a horrible, horriable person for this happening!

[Ann07]

You should consider you have a good husband and be thankful and not spoil your marriage because of wanting attention! Seek God by reading your bible ,and you ll soon get over his friend! Good Luck!!

[i8uwithalime]

Very Simple! Get counceling if you intend to save your marriage or Divorce before you hurt him. You should read the bible more. I doubt if your husband came into the marriage to fall in love with your best friend. It might be OK to think but I just think you need to focus on your husband and yourself first. Especially if you have kids that are involved. One last thing. You can call dr. laura or listen to her show. It can't hurt!

[Synnen]

You NEED to make a space between you and his best friend. Period. I don't CARE how hard it is.

Give your husband the attention you've been giving the other guy, and I bet your husband gives you attention in return.

You've got a great group of friends---and that means you have free babysitters! Get OUT of the house with your husband. Set up a regular "date night", even if that's only once every couple of weeks. Dress up for it, make plans with each other, make it something to look forward to.

Focus on your husband, and NOT this other guy.

[peggyhill]

I think that counseling might be a help to you right now. I'm glad that you aren't acting on your feelings. That shows that you know what is right, so good for you! I would recommend individual counseling in addition to marriage counseling. That way you can both work on your marriage, and you will be free to discuss your feelings about this issue in private, without having to worry that you will hurt your husband by anything that you say.

Perhaps your attraction was caused by all the time you spent talking about his breakup. What I mean is, that now you are connecting with this guy on an emotional level, that you didn't before. It can be hard to spend lots of time with an attractive person without feeling some sexual tension. That is why I would suggest that you limit the time you spend with him. Encourage him to talk to your husband about his breakup. You might say something like, "You know, I'm always glad to lend a listening ear, but my husband might have some really good advice, since he knows you so well. I think it might really help if you talked to him about this. Also, since you told me that you were attracted to me, I think it might be good if we didn't talk without my husband there. I know you won't act on those feelings, but I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about the time we have been spending."
That way you are being kind, but firm.

I think it was wrong for him to even tell you that he was attracted to you, considering that your husband is his best friend. I would question his motives in spending time with you. Sometimes when someone has just gone through a breakup, they are depressed, and not thinking quite clearly. Perhaps that is why is said something he should never have said to you.

Try to find new ways to reconnect with your husband. Try the marriage counseling, take a class together, whatever makes you feel close. Remember that your husband has given you a better gift than anything this other guy could ever give- he has given you his vow to love, honor, cherish, and be faithful to you forever.

Hope this helps! :)

[Alostwife]

I think you all have given some great and obvious advice to me. My husband and I just recently starting going out on dates. We don't live near these friends of ours so we had to find a babysitter. I am also having him take a class with me.. although I don't think he likes it. He has gone to a therapist by himself, but we can no longer afford it. I feel like I have tried everything I can to spend more time with him, but he lacks interest in me. Whenever I ask him where he wants to go, what he wants to do, or even what he wants to eat his response is always "I don't care." I tried telling him this last night. I feel like I could have a better marriage with a wall. It's not that he is boring; it is just that he rather leave it up to me so we don't disagree. He'd rather sweep our problems under the rug than deal with them. For years, he has never protected me. This is not the first friend or even relative that has asked me out or said really inappropriate things to me. Many times he is standing there and doesn't do anything about it. Once, he even started laughing. I know he loves me, but I feel like he doesn't respect me or my body. I would never let my a man tell my wife how hot she is and "man, what I would do if you were mine." It drives me nuts. His friend seems to respect me. I miss feeling protected.

[peggyhill]

I feel like I have tried everything I can to spend more time with him, but he lacks interest in me. Whenever I ask him where he wants to go, what he wants to do, or even what he wants to eat his response is always "I don't care." I tried telling him this last night. I feel like I could have a better marriage with a wall. It's not that he is boring; it is just that he rather leave it up to me so we don't disagree. He'd rather sweep our problems under the rug than deal with them. For years, he has never protected me. This is not the first friend or even relative that has asked me out or said really inappropriate things to me. Many times he is standing there and doesn't do anything about it. Once, he even started laughing. I know he loves me, but I feel like he doesn't respect me or my body. I would never let my a man tell my wife how hot she is and "man, what I would do if you were mine." It drives me nuts. His friend seems to respect me. I miss feeling protected.

I think you have found the problem. That would bother me too, if my fiancée didn't stand up and say something if some other guy hit on me. It sounds like he is kind of indecisive. Maybe he is afraid of confrontation. I mean, if he lets guys hit on you, never wants to "make waves" in the relationship, even about dinner or something.

I think you should tell him how that makes you feel. Tell him that you want him to stand up for you and be more assertive. Me and my fiancée are doing pre-marital counseling right now. One of the things that they told us was that when you have to tell someone something, tell them how you feel. Like if you go into it saying "I hate when you do such-and-such" , it's confrontational and makes the person feel defensive. But if you say "When this happened, I felt really sad and unloved. I felt bad because you didn't stand up for me", then the person is more receptive because you were telling them about feelings, not just their actions. Does that make any sense? Our pastor can explain it so much better than I can, lol.

If he can't afford counseling, what about meeting with a religious leader of your choice? (if you're religious) Or maybe an older trusted person that he looks up to, like a mentor?

[talaniman]

Show me a stay at home mom who is unhappy, and needs attention, I'll show you a female who depends on others to make her happy. This is your responsibility to have a life that makes you happy, by doing what you enjoy, and having your own friends. You have made hubby and kids, your only focus, and not giving yourself the things you need to be happy. Stay within boundaries, and don't let those needy feelings make you wonder away from the things you can do to build confidence and happiness within you. Start with a hobby, volunteering, or a class, and go from there. You will slowly gain positive attention from your husband, and the people you interact with, and won't need attention from some guy, just because your lonely.

[Natalia2008]

Wow, I had someone who was like that, I walked all over him and if I dogged him out he probably would have stayed. But seriously his friend. Listen kick rocks on that. It isn't cool. I know your man does not show you attention but it is because you two do not communicate. YOu need to sit his tail down and rip it into him, show him that side of you. Let him know you might be mommy and you might be a wife but you can be a B**** in a heart beat and what you want is a man who is going to stand up for you , not a door mat. Hmm, send his azz my way. He will get the act right juice real quick. Let him know his azz isn't taken care of business and if you wanted a mute you would have married one. Honey if you need to talk hit me up and we can email. I got some good ol; advice for you. It will keep him up on his A game.

[Mr_am]

Obviously your husband does not understand your needs and is unaware of the damage he is doing to you and to the whole family... May be he is treating you equally as a man like him which is wrong.. do not give up.. and keep talking to him and explain to him how should he be with you... and tell him the bad consequences of what is going on. Good luck.

[kraz]

Is your husband's "treatment" of you because he knows how you feel about his best mate? And what you are thinking of doing?
You did say "This is not the first friend or even relative that has asked me out or said really inappropriate things to me". In good faith you husband asked you to help out a sad friend and you started crossing that line. Could he be the hurt party in this situation, because you said "My husband is the "perfect" man. He is sweet, funning, hardworking, great father and wants everything for me". Why should he care, when you have been thinking of leaving him, don't you know he probably knows this.

I would suggest you reread your original post, and think what you want from your marriage and if you really want to stay married to his man, because from my understanding and interpretation, it appears you are probably going to do something, whether it is this the friend or the next man that sweet talks you, that will put an end to your marriage. Take responsibility for you and your family happiness and don't let anything put a wedge between it.

[Alostwife]

About a month ago, I posted a question about my crazy situation. My husband's best friend told me he loved me after he broke up with my "old best friend". They were together for seven years and called it off. I was encouraged by my husband to talk to him because all of us have been very close friends for years. After talking to him night after night, he expressed his feelings for me. Since then, we have been having an affair.

I have completely fallen in love with him. We haven’t had sex, although he came and visited us for the weekend and we fouled around. I feel like myself around him. I am young and got married only six months ago. My husband and I have been together for six years, but we have always been best friends than "In love". I feel absolutely horrible that this has happened... both of us do. Our guilt has really gotten to us and we decided to stop. The problem is, is that I am now in love with him. He is trying to fix things with his ex (my old best friend) and I am left with a husband who is a perfect person and treats me great, but I'm not in love with him anymore. We have a child together and all I have ever wanted for my son is to raise him in a "normal" household. My values are important to me, and I really messed things up. I know I don't want to be with my husband, but I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have. I don't have any family or friends and I have no where to go. I am a stay at home mom and a student.

Our relationship has always been built on trust and no that I have ruined that I am afraid I can't go back unless I tell him the truth. If I tell him, it will hurt everyone involved. All of our friends back home are very close and his family would disown me. What do I do? Do I tell him and try to fix or marriage, or do I keep it from him? Please help! I know it is a really bad situation and I know I have been a horrible person for doing this! I just don't have anyone to turn to. Thank you.

P.S. This guy is also a great person. We have been very close friends for years. We are perfect together. He says he would marry me if he could. This is not just a fling. We really click. Unlike anyone I have ever been with.

[N0help4u]

Focus on finding the love you need for your husband.
Realize he is that perfect great person and love is a choice and a commitment not an emotion. Emotions can change with the wind.
Love is something you work on and build together.
Often a love that is all emotional doesn't have the same enduring substance that one you built on does.

[Fr_Chuck]

Stop any contact, tell his best friend to stop ever coming around or you will be forced to tell your husband, stop any and all contact with him completely.

Get with your husband and spend the time and energy you are on thie affair on him.

[JBeaucaire]

Tragedy (in literature) thrives on stories such as yours. It's tragic because there are strong real-life reasons for you to NOT follow your heart. The heart is the devil in stories like yours.

No one here is going to pave a path for your marriage to end, nor counsel you in that direction. We are all pretty much about doing right, not doing easy.

It is so easy to just "do what you want", isn't it? Your loving faithful husband did nothing to warrant it, and yet you chose to hop in bed with the first guy that you had super-strong feelings for after getting married. Did you think getting married would make you immune to those feelings for others? Silly, silly girl! You are still human, and feelings are, for the most part, out of your control.

However, where you put your private parts is COMPLETELY in your control and has little to do with feelings, even if you choose to blame them. You're not a victim of your heart, your mind controls your body and your life. When your heart leads you astray, you ignore it. Well, you're supposed to... you forgot that.

You made vows, landed an excellent partner, parented a child together... you two are WELL into the story of your life. This affair is you failing (after only SIX MONTHS! ) to live up to the single most important vow you made... cleave to him and him alone.

You need to shake yourself and HARD. You are what you do. Your words lead me to think you see yourself as good and loving, but your actions paint you completely opposite. This, too, is tragedy. If you're not careful, you'll convince yourself that destroying your loved ones and your family is actually the right thing to de because of "love"... OH my goodness!

So let's be honest, you will run into men your entire life that will illicit feelings in your heart (loins?). So what? The point of marriage is to put up a wall between your family and the world to work together to get through ALL of the forces that would undermine you, even forces from in your own chest. That's what your partner is for.

You need to confide in your husband, not about what you did, but about the feelings you need him to help you with. He is your confidant, he is your strength. You need to tell him you even feel stuff for his friend and you need your husband to keep him away from you two. He will happily oblige.

Better or worse, dear. Marriage MEANS something. Parenting MEANS something. It means doing what is right over what is easy or "felt". You do what it right. You do it. And do it some more.

Do it.

[talaniman]

Why do you dare insult our intelligence, with how great a guy he is, and how you value this, and that, and you know your wrong, and blah, blah, blah, when the truth is he is a young punk, cheating, jerk who founds some trollop to salve his ego, and you two young punk kids, think this is a game of hide the cookie, and call it love. How about neither of you knows love, and sure don't know what commitment is. If you had a brain, instead of hormones, you would end this bull crap, behind the scenes, adolescent game, and do what your supposed to.
P. S. to you too. Its easy doing wrong, but its hard to do the right thing, so just do it, and the hell with moral support, and Nice advice. Neither of you loves each other, or yourselves, and you insult all the good people, who have real problems. Just do the right thing, because your supposed to, or go back to wallow in your own shat.

[talaniman]

I think what gets my gristle the most, is you posted this crap in January, and then started this question again, to get what you think are different answers to your question, and that's pretty pathetic, as you already have all the good advice you need, and only have to get off your dead a$$, and do something besides play the woes is me, and troll for attention. Get a clue please.

[peggyhill]

Consider counseling to help you get over this guy. Marriage counseling with your husband could also help you feel closer to him and improve your relationship with him. This a choice you have to make. You took a vow to love, honor, and be faithful to him. You are either going to keep it in the future or not. If you feel you must tell him, then tell him. At least you didn't have sex with this guy. I think marriage counseling might help both of you with this if you do tell him. Of course people will be disappointed in you, but that's what happens when you fool around with someone you aren't married to. The only thing that you can do now is 'fess up and hope he forgives you.

You say your husband treats you great, yet you feel the "grass is greener on the other side". Think about the reality of what would happen if you acted on these feelings. You would divorce, move, break your vows, raise your child in a broken home, and hurt your husband (who treats you great). And statistically, relationships that start as affairs don't have a very good chance of lasting.

You made a mistake, but you can confess, stop the behavior, and move on. The ball is in your court. I hope things work out between you and your husband.

[Alostwife]

Why do you dare insult our intelligence, with how great a guy he is, and how you value this, and that, and you know your wrong, and blah, blah, blah, when the truth is he is a young punk, cheating, jerk who founds some trollop to salve his ego, and you two young punk kids, think this is a game of hide the cookie, and call it love. How about neither of you knows love, and sure don't know what commitment is. If you had a brain, instead of hormones, you would end this bull crap, behind the scenes, adolescent game, and do what your supposed to.
P. S. to you too. Its easy doing wrong, but its hard to do the right thing, so just do it, and the hell with moral support, and Nice advice. Neither of you loves each other, or yourselves, and you insult all the good people, who have real problems. Just do the right thing, because your supposed to, or go back to wallow in your own shat.

I wasn't going to respond you your post because I believed it was harsh words coming from someone that has no clue on my situation. I am not a child, I am an adult. I have been on my own since I was 15 due to an abusive father. I have raised my son without any help from anyone and managed to get my BA. I am a teacher and a great parent. My husband and I have been together for six years and I have fallen out of love with him. I understand this situation looks horrible, but please do not judge until you have been in my shoes. I am on here asking for advice. What ever happened to people helping others? You harsh words do no good. There are ways of saying things to people without being evil. You speak of good people in the world... you should take a look at yourself. This man I am in love with is a good person. We have been best friends for as long as I've known my husband. My life would be so much easier if none of this happened, so why would I do this to myself? I was dealt a crappy hand and I have made wrong decisions. I have always put others before me and lately it has been nice knowing someone in the world cares. I posted this question in Jan. because it was when it all happened. Things have changed since then and I thought I would see if I could gain some knowledge on people's views about coming clean with my husband. Thank you oh so much for your great advice.. I plan on using it to wipe my butt with.

[JBeaucaire]

Tragedy, all the way around.

Tal is harsh, but mostly right, too. You can't do what is right in this situation AND follow your heart. In your situation, following your heart means doing wrong to others, to people who have bonded and sworn themselves to you. Your family / husband.

This is the stuff of tragedy. I feel for you, I really do. But good-minded people speak harshly sometimes in hopes of cutting through the misty-glasses the heart provides to try and get you back onboard to the cost and sacrifice of being good. It means not following your heart if doing so means breaking your word.

Your word should mean something, to YOU most of all. Promises should only be followed if you feel like it?

If it helps, if you choose to ignore us who are prompting you to honorably keep your family together and you leave your husband to be with a new guy, you should know that you are in famous company. The media provides plenty of "celebrity" examples of this behavior, which helps make it feel romantic to do this stuff.

It's not romantic. It's tragic. Those same celebrities are famous, but their lives are mostly a mess, it's sad when we allow these people to role model for us. Oh well.

I wish you the best and hope you hurt as few people as possible as you're led around by your heart.