[wewed100606]

I am just curious to hear from people, male or female, who have been in a marriage that has overcome adversity in the form of a partner lying or cheating or both. I am interested to know about your situation and what course of action was taken. My wife and I are struggling to find a path back to goodtimes after she found out I cheated on her prior to our marriage and then lied to her about it for months. It is obviously a complicated story as all of these usually are. I am just more or less looking for some sources of inspiration and possibly some directional advice as far as what the next step should be for us and our family. I feel as if we have been in more or less a holding pattern for about 6 months now and I just feel the need mentally and emotionally to make some steps. Can anyone help out with a story of there own or someone else's? I really appreciate anything I can get! Thanks so much for your time!

[mraquino21]

"My wife and I are struggling to find a path back to goodtimes after she found out I cheated on her prior to our marriage and then lied to her about it for months. "

How long have you been married?
Did she know that you had cheated on her before you got married or did you tell her or she find out after you got married?
How long in total before marriage and after marriage have you been together?

[wewed100606]

We have been married since October 6th, 2006 and the cheating happened well prior to our wedding, but the lies about it continued on until last July when she found out. I have been completely faithful to her since prior to our marriage. As for our relationship prior to getting married it is a really complicated story and I don't really have the time or space to tell it. I believe my wife told the majority of it in another post called I DON'T KNOW WHO I MARRIED in this forum. If you want to look it up you can. I really feel that aside from the lies and the very poor transition into our dating relationship (cheating) I have been a great husband and father. We had another baby boy this May (2007) and we have a little girl that turns 5 in a few days. I am just looking for some people to share with me. About some tough times they have gotten through. Just some inspiration. I am trying to stayoptimistic, my wife is currently pesimistic enough for the both of us. It is just starting to ware on me and I can't imagine us not making it. I did the right thing and married the girl I couldn't live without, so I need it to stay that way. I love her to death, I just want me to know and her to know that there are people out there who make it through this type of stuff everyday. Thanks for your comment!

[loren j]

I was cheated on for two years by my ex-husband. He lied to me daily, as he continued his affair with a young co worker right under my nose. I divorced him when I finally got a confession from him. I don't know what to tell you except that if you really feel true remorse, know in your heart that you would never be tempted to cheat on her later in life (you know... when the sex gets stale, problems, the usual things that all marriages go through, but winners stick it out, instead of giving up), if you know you are really committed then it can work but I feel that you are already becoming impatient and frustrated. I was willing to (maybe-very doubtful), reconcile with my ex after his confession thinking "well, at least he has confessed and is remorseful), thought that with a lot of counseling and church, that it might could be saved. Well, this man of mine, after confessing to his boss, me, his parents in front of me, and signed an admission of guilt to me, two weeks later said..."I want to see what proof you have... I don't believe I've done this... you made me "think" I had an affair.

Needless to say, I packed his bags, sent him home to Mama's and filed for divorce.

Here is what your wife is feeling to help you understand her pessimism. Being cheated on is the most personal form of betrayal (short of being raped against your will) that there is. Your wife thought that your body, heart and soul were her's only (even when dating). She shared her love, her body, and her heart with you. She trusted you, felt secure, opened her heart to you and gave you her love and trust.

When I found out that my ex had actually been cheating on me (although I knew... all the signs were there), I felt as if I had been thrown on burning coals, naked, while people were sticking knives in my heart. I continuously pictured him kissing her, entering her body with something that was supposed to belong to only me, played out a scene in my head constantly of them making love. I thought of how violated I felt that at the same time, I continued to share my body with him as well. I became depressed, lost myself esteem, hated men, cried every day for months, threw up, lost weight, I was a wreck. I believed this man I married would never cheat on me... that's actually why I married him... I thought I had found the one rare, true gem of a man, that would never cheat on me. So, when he did, my world crashed down around me. I had wasted 14 years of my life with him that I could never get back.

Men and women tend to view adultery and cheating differently. Men say, it was just sex, I was stupid, didn't love her, was weak... They really don't understand how women are so devastated by this. Men are visual, can remove emotion and just have sex, compartmentalize if you will. Women want sex (all of these statements, by the way, are in general), when they feel emotionally connected to a man.

You have to realize that this will take a long, long, long time for her to get over and ever really trust you again. A lot of men figure, hey, I feel bad, confessed, what more do you want from me. They grow impatient while waiting on their woman's recovery.

If you truly love her, truly want this to work... you have your work cut out for you. You do have a heavy price to pay and you will have to have patience-period ! Your actions must match your words. You should go to counseling and prove, not say, to her everyday that you want this to work. The best gift you can give her is to understand her pessimism and give her the gift of your patience. If you do this, and you really love her, the reward will be well worth the effort. You have children together so I would love to see that this could be worked out.


For men, it is just sex, a weak mistake, I'm sorry, get over it !

For women, it is the downfall of their world, a deep betrayal, a loss of who they thought they fell in love with, and the grief exceeds that of even losing a loved one to death-because in death, a natural cause, they were no betrayal. It is a death, a death in what they believed.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. You seem like a man who is genuine and really just made a very stupid mistake. We all make mistakes. If you really love her, show her... don't get upset when she ask you questions, has suspicions, etc...

The answer to what you must do:

Patience, patience, patience, patience... complete love and fidelity... and NEVER DO IT AGAIN. A few fleeting moments of lustful pleasure is not worth the pain it will inflict on both of you.

Good luck to you both-I hope you can work it out !

[confused218]

As long as you are honest and faithful, I believe you can work it out. You have already made it through so much, it seems like you are committed to her and your family, so just try to stay positive and do all the little things that remind her why she loves you and want you in her life. I think the most important thing you can do is keep communication between you open. Make a point of connecting regularly- as in every single day. Tell her about your day, ask about hers, tell her how you feel and listen when she tells you what she's feeling, even though I'm sure it hurts to know you've caused one another pain. I don't have a success story, but I know they are out there. I hope you and your wife are one of them.

[mishelly3]

I was pregnet when he came to me and admitted to cheating on me. I through him out for a year and only let him in just to see the kids. He begged me to go to counsling with him he was wanting to anything to safe the marragiage. At that time I wasn't in to that I was still so angry and hurt till one day I went for a walk and he was at the park and we sat there and talked and talked and cried and laughed and I realized then and there I wasn't ready to lose him so we did go through counseling it was hard but it changed our marriage for the betterwe are stonger and healthier in our marriage then we have ever been...
Its sooo hard to deal with all those emotions but so worth it all in the end...



Good luck to you both

[tattdmom40]

I got married in 2003 and 3 months after the wedding my husband cheated on me. That was a great devistation. I could not deal with the pain and the guilt that he made me feel. I began to take prescription medication to numb the pain. One lie became another lie and then it began a spiral down hill of lies. We are now divorcing and all my lies have surfaced. This has been a nightmare however the truth is out and I feel good about it. My ex husband is making me pay in all sorts of ways but I can now say I no longer have to lie to a man who was judgmental and mentally abusive.

[tattdmom40]

I got married in 2003 and 3 months after the wedding my husband cheated on me. That was a great devistation. I could not deal with the pain and the guilt that he made me feel. I began to take prescription medication to numb the pain. One lie became another lie and then it began a spiral down hill of lies. We are now divorcing and all my lies have surfaced. This has been a nightmare however the truth is out and I feel good about it. My ex husband is making me pay in all sorts of ways but I can now say I no longer have to lie to a man who was judgmental and mentally abusive.

[Gemini54]

My previous partner cheated on me about 2 years into our relationship. It was a one night stand, and I would have never found out except that I caught a sexually transmitted disease from him. I had recurring vaginal infections that weren't Thrush and so eventually the doctor tested for STD's and guess what, I had Chlamydia.

I can tell you it was a shock but it didn't immediately register that I must have cuaght it off him. I was trusting and somewhat naïve! Anyway, when I told him about it, he immediately confessed to what had happened.

It took a long time to reestablish the trust but we stayed together for another 11 years so it didn't permanently affect our relationship. The thing that got me through it was the understanding that the one-night stand was out of character for my Ex. He wasn't a cheater and he had never cheated in previous relationships. He was a person of integrity that made a mistake. That was what I had to accept, that we are all human and sometimes we make mistakes.

In your situation obviously the circumstances are more complex, but in the end forgiveness is called for on both parts. You must forgive yourself for cheating and lying and your wife needs to forgive you and give you the opportunity to prove that you are no longer a cheater and liar. Living in the past doesn't help. We can continue to go over old events and worry that they night recur, but to what purpose? It just poisons our lives.

There is good in all of us - I really believe this - and you can overcome the lying and cheating by seeing the GOOD in that person. That's how I did it, because I believed that my Ex was (and still is) a good person.

[loveher4eva]

My opinion is as soon as you find out that the love of your life cheats on you its like the image they had of you as this amazing honest loyal person that they love has died. The person will mourn that person as if they have died but they will allways love them and always hope that you will end up together. The person will see good in you even if its not there just because they loved you for so long and could never cope with the fact they wasted their life knowing it was not real love for the other person. If you cheat out off passion when drunk or something that's no where near as bad as a full blown affair because that's something your consicously doing which means straight up that you don't love that person. You really need to ask yourself if you can ever change and not hurt her again and then start from scratch.

[Jake2008]

People make mistakes in a marriage like forgetting to pay the light bill, or pick up the dry cleaning. Your partner may be angry with you, but the bills eventually get paid, and the dry cleaning gets picked up.

But, what you are talking about is far more than the affair. When she first found out, had you been honest then, she would have had choices. But, you allowed the lie to live and become larger than the affair itself; went on to marry her, build a life together, and have two children.

So the lie has become an issue that has clouded everything she thought she knew about you- honesty, fidelity, trust, communication. She was the one betrayed, no matter when you had the affiar, before or after marriage, it changed her perception of you.

Six months is a long time to go without any resolve. For her to begin to trust you again, and the person you are now (not then) again, will take a lot of hard work. On both your parts.

It is not insurmountable, and many couples can and do work through these issues successfully. Again, I'm not talking about the actual affair (no matter how brief it was), but the trust issues, which are at the moment, still broken.

I don't know if you have considered marriage counselling, and if you havent' I strongly recommend you do. A neutral party can provide a safe and open opportunity for both of you to express without judgment, how you have come to this place in your marriage, and how you can overcome it. It isn't easy.

But, it is easier that continuing to be punished for you, and her feelings of likely betrayal and anger. It all has to come out and talked about, worked through, and some sort of resolve has to take place to get you both out of this stalemate.

[shay9090]

If you are really willing to change and make your marriage work, you have to give her the time she needs to hurt.. But show her how sorry you are.. You need to be true about wanting to make your marriage work because you love your wife dearly.. Hold her and her hands have heart to heart talks with her.. be that loving person she fell in-love with.. Show her she means the world to you, and that your family means everything to you. Don't just say it.. show it, everyday. Call her tell her you love her.. leave her little note expressing your love.. It's going to take a lot of work.. But if you love her like you say you do and your kids.. all the hard work it worth it.. And here's what when she does come around and forgive you, for the rest of your life be the best husband and father, never stop showing her and your kids they mean the world to you.. Cause betrayal is a hard thing... to get pass. I should know cause I know I'm being cheated on by my spouse and I love him a lot.. I've been trying for things to work.. but he just won't admit nor takes me on.. I'm still waiting for him to come home now.. we had a fight today.. And I wish he would be sorry and that he love me enough to want to change.. So I feel your wife pain.. cause my husband said a few times maybe next year he wants a baby.. but how can I trust him.. cause he lies to me about everything.. and I mean everything.. But don't be like my husband... make your marriage work.. fight for your marriage, for your wife and kids.. Make it happen cause there are too many broken relationships and many suffer cause of it.. I'm hope all the best for you and your family.. take care.