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lost?? · Jan 9, 2006, 05:05 PM

Hello,

I posted on this topic about a month ago. Me and my ex had been going out for over 2 years then at the end of novemeber she said she wanted a break. She said she wanted time to focus on herself and find out what she wants. I've been up and down about it and I think I mite be OK now. I've been talking to her as friends and I always end up bringing up the relationship. I don't want to it just comes out and then it ends up making her annoyed and me feel worse. She says she still loves me and that there's a part of her that still wants to be with me. I think I am still in love with her too. But I mean I did everything for this girl... so I kind of feel stabbed in the back. But I don't want to be dragged along on this break until one day she says she never wants to be with me. But I don't know if I want to move on either and give up hope on us. I know I'm not thinking straight and everyone I asked for help has told me different things, either to hold on or let go. I mean if I let go I might give up the chance of us ever being together again. But if I hold on and we don't get back together, I know ill be even worse off. What should I do? Also, if I do move on, should I still be the nice guy I am to girls or should I not do everything for them like I did this last time. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks

nymphetamine · Jan 9, 2006, 05:27 PM

You can't bring up the relationship honey. That's really blowing it. When you feel like you have to say something just calm down take a deep breath and don't talk about the relationship. I know its hard. Sometimes you feel like if you don't talk about it you will burst but, you got to not. I think its great you can get along as friends. However if you can't be around her with out bringing it up every time then maybe you need a little time away from each other. Not forever but just for a little while. I know you really care about this girl but I don't think she is truly getting the space that she asked for. She said there's a part of her that still wants to be with you right? Well then you've got a great chance. Just give it some time and you know what she will come back to you. Not you to her but her to you. Who knows maybe while you guys are hanging out as friends it could happen. I wish you luck.

letmeno · Jan 9, 2006, 05:28 PM

The thought of our ex moving on and we are left out in the cold, holding on to feelings, holding on to the past, and holding on to a non-exhistant relationship is depressing. It is a scary thought of someone that we loved so much, moving on without us. But you have to dig somewhere really deep within yourself to do the same also. She has asked you for a break for various reasons. But the main reason that she has asked you for a break is simply because she no longer wants to be with you. Not because she is so much in love with you that she can't focus on herself, not because she is confused about life, only because she does not want to be in this relationship anymore. It seems to me that you are unable to be this woman's "friend" without drudging up the past and old feelings. She acts annoyed when you do this because she could feel a little guilty about the break up, she is ready to move on to the next chapter in her life and you are forcing her to take steps back to a place that she no longer wants to go. If you want to be her friend then you really need to stop doing this, you are going to force her into a corner, and she will either A come out fighting, or B cut you off as a friend. Do not continue to do this to her. Allow her the space, time, and freedom that she wants. If she is not showing you any sighns of wanting to get back together then you need to move on. You can't hold on to a person that does not want to be held on to.
Good Luck

s_cianci · Jan 9, 2006, 07:43 PM

My suggestion to you would be to let go and move on but do so with "reconciliation reserve", to coin a phrase. What I mean by that is that your basically consider the relationship to be over, move on with your life and pursue other interests. However, you can continue to talk to her as a friend (but DON"T bring up the relationship) and let her know that your life is just fine and dandy without her. You don't come right out and actually say that but let your actions and words make that implication. You may well find her crawling back to you and then you'll have the power in the relationship and it won't be likely that she'll be needing any more "breaks."

letmeno · Jan 9, 2006, 07:50 PM

Very true! The most attractive man is the unavailable one. Don't know why it is but it is.

confused25 · Jan 9, 2006, 08:42 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

My suggestion to you would be to let go and move on but do so with "reconciliation reserve", to coin a phrase. What I mean by that is that your basically consider the relationship to be over, move on with your life and pursue other interests. However, you can continue to talk to her as a friend (but DON"T bring up the relationship) and let her know that your life is just fine and dandy without her. You don't come right out and actually say that but let your actions and words make that implication. You may well find her crawling back to you and then you'll have the power in the relationship and it won't be likely that she'll be needing any more "breaks."

Are you sure that telling her that your life is fine and dandy without her is a good idea. I mean if she thinks his life is so great she may become heart broken and feel that she is not needed anymore. She will realize that she made a mistake but don't you think she will be afraid to make a move because now she feels that all is lost because he has moved on and he is happy? It may cause her to feel that he is no longer interested in her, and in effect push her away.

PrettyLady · Jan 9, 2006, 11:07 PM

Lost, if your girlfriend has said she wants a break from your relationship, maybe it's her way of letting go. I know your hurting, but you need to get on with your life. Pick yourself up and move on, you will find someone better later.

talaniman · Jan 10, 2006, 02:14 AM

I hate to be the one to tell you this but this relationship is over!No amount of denial,crying,hoping or moping is going to change that!You are right though for the time being your stuck!The best way to get unstuck is to accept the fact that she ready to move on without you and you should do the same.I know that it is easier said than done but you have to man up and continue on with your own life.This site is loaded with guys and girls in your same situation and the advice is always the same.Get your head together and leave her alone.Not for her ,but for you!No calls no e-mail, no contact!No crying no moonig no pining!Man to man whether this break-up was your fault or not,doesn't matter get over it and better luck next time,and there will be a next time,trust me there always is!:cool:

DJ 'H' · Jan 10, 2006, 06:40 AM

The past is something that needs to be laid to rest. You cannot go backwards only forwards.

If you have a little time away from your ex and allow yourself some time to do things for yourself - your hobbies hanging out with your friends etc.

Give yourself sometime to clear your head and figure out what it is you want. Then when you see her again you will be thinking sraight and you will know exactly how you feel and what you want - it will also allow her to do the very same. Time apart is always the best option.

There is two things that could happen..

Absence will make the heart grow fonder

Or

Out of sight out of mind

Either way, you will both know what you want and will be able to let each other know where you stand once and for all.

fredg · Jan 10, 2006, 07:17 AM

Hi, lost??
It is really hard to move on... been there, done that. Most of us have, during a lifetime.
I am 63, married 28 yrs to a wonderful woman, and had the same problems many years ago.
One thing we learn about life, is that we can't have everything we want, especially when she doesn't want us!
It will be hard, but you can move on with your life. You will eventually find someone who respects you, is honest and open, and will love you; just as much as you love her. It will take some time, but you will find her.
I do wish you the best, and good luck; hang in there.

confused25 · Jan 10, 2006, 08:18 AM

I'm not sure if I agree with the rest that all hope is lost. I think there is hope. You said you broke up at the end of November. That means you have only had about a month and a half off. Problem is that there really has been no break because you keep bringing up the relationship. She asked for time off now give it too her. If you want to hold on to the chance that things will work out then you are going too have to wait months. It could take her from 2 months to 6 months to a year or even never. I suggest you keep talking to her, be her friend, and continue with your life for now. I'm sure you already let her know in some way or another that you were going to wait till she was ready. So just wait.

But remember in doing so you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. It's up to you if you are willing to face that. All I can advise, if you really love her and want her back, then just wait and don't date for a bit (not dating is actually a good thing in many ways because it helps clear your head and its not fair to lead on other girls when you have feelings for someone else). Keep contact with her, but to a minimum, the same way you do with friends. For example if she e-mails don't be in such a hurry to respond. Give it a day or two. If you notice that she starts dating (if this happens I suggest not confronting her about it) then realize that chances have become much more slim and you should move on. Even if you two both start seeing other people there is still hope you will get back together. At this point however you might realize that you just are not interested anymore, maybe you found someone else, which is completely fine.

Stay friends, wait as long as you can, while waiting enjoy life (no need to date but hang out with friends or do other things you enjoy), from there things will play out on their own. If she moves on accept it and do the same.

DJ 'H' · Jan 10, 2006, 08:22 AM

Originally Posted by confused25

I'm not sure if I agree with the rest that all hope is lost. I think there is hope. You said you broke up at the end of November. That means you have only had about a month and a half off. Problem is that there really has been no break because you keep bringing up the relationship. She asked for time off now give it too her. If you want to hold on to the chance that things will work out then you are going too have to wait months. It could take her from 2 months to 6 months to a year or even never. I suggest you keep talking to her, be her friend, and continue with your life for now. I'm sure you already let her know in some way or another that you were going to wait till she was ready. So just wait.

But remember in doing so you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. It's up to you if you are willing to face that. All I can advise, if you really love her and want her back, then just wait and don't date for a bit (not dating is actually a good thing in many ways because it helps clear your head and its not fair to lead on other girls when you have feelings for someone else). Keep contact with her, but to a minimum, the same way you do with friends. For example if she e-mails don't be in such a hurry to respond. Give it a day or two. If you notice that she starts dating (if this happens I suggest not confronting her about it) then realize that chances have become much more slim and you should move on. Even if you two both start seeing other people there is still hope you will get back together. At this point however you might realize that you just are not interested anymore, maybe you found someone else, which is completely fine.

Stay friends, wait as long as you can, while waiting enjoy life (no need to date but hang out with friends or do other things you enjoy), from there things will play out on their own. If she moves on accept it and do the same.

I agree - I pretty much said the same thing lol :)

Wildcat21 · Jan 10, 2006, 09:11 AM

So many mistakes and problems here.

This guy keeps putting pressure on the woman by bring up the relationship THAT SHE 100% IN HER head THAT SHE WANTS NO PART OF. BY Bring up the relationship and reminding her what a Wuss Bag he was it just reaffirms her decision was 100% correct. Woman hate this!! It's called Pinning and begging.

"but i mean i did everything for this girl.... " - that's a HUGE problem/mistakes - women DON'T want this. My god - you put this gal on a pedestal and women NEVER want that.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - another guy with 'nice guy' syndrom. You pushed this gal 100% away AND keep pushing her away BY BEING INSECURE, NEEDY, CLINGY, JEALOUS. Women HATE THAT!! I smell this coming out of the computer.

Dude - get a life. Women are never your whole life - they are part of it. You get hurt when you do this.

You got to grow up and learn about woman. They don't want a 'girlfriend' as a boyfriend who is all sensitive. Soft sensitive guy loses every time.

Asking about a relationship is a woman's job. You need to learn to be cool, fun guy, NO Pressure - BE BUSY - she doesn't want to be with you all the time - no way - Yuck - women have a life too. They need mystery, not some goof that tells her everything under the sun about himself and how he feels.

You share your feelings too soon and she's gone.

By constantly asking about the relationship you set it WAY BACK. I advise not evening calling or having anything to do with her for 2 months. Work on yourself - start working out, learn about how to deal with women and learn how to create attraction.

Learn that women DO NOT thin klike men at all... they rely moreo and their feelinsg.

AGAIN - go to these sites and learn about 'Nice Guys' and how bad it is for business - it's NOT being mean, rude, etc - it's not making her your world and putting her on a pedestal. Just like guys, women do wrong all the time - they don't want pedestal and don't deserve it.

www.sosuave.com
www.askmen.com - READ EVERY DATING ARTICLE - ESPECIALLY DR. LOVE - HE WILL SET YOU STRAIGHT AND IT ISN'T PRETTY.

www.relationships.blog-city.com - a hard core site but you need a dose of reality. You're in this dream world where - "if she only knew how I really feel" - yuck!! WOmen want the chase, the feeling that you just might leave at anytime...

WHEN YOU TOTALLY SURRENDER TO A WOMEN... SHE WANTS OUT.

confused25 · Jan 10, 2006, 10:27 AM

I'm going to have to disagree with what some of WildCat said. I think ignoring her for 2 months is a bad idea. Every person in this world likes to know they are cared about. So by asking her how she's doing, how's school, etc. shows maturity and that you still care enough to know about how she is doing. Furthermore by not bringing up the relationship during such a conversation shows you are man enough to put aside feelings and simply see how she is doing. Don't over do it though because then you might end up in the dreaded "friend zone." But ignoring her for two months will, in my opinion, end any hope that there was.

Wildcat21 · Jan 10, 2006, 10:51 AM

That's really abd advice. You don't get it. It doesn't work that way except in the movies. I've helped a lot guys get through this. I have a whole stable of guys I've helped get their gal back.

This woman doesn't want to be wit hhim right now.

He needs to grow up and become a man about things. Mr. Softy needs to go. I deal in tough love. He needs to realize what pushed her away.

She doesn't deserve his time either.

PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. Always and for ever.

By doing that she will feel she has him.

confused25 · Jan 10, 2006, 12:28 PM

I think you are overgeneralizing women. I believe there are a lot of women out there who want a soft sensitive guy. Every person is different. For example some girls like it, before the first kiss, that you ask beforehand. They think it's sweet. Others don't like it for the reasons you talk about, because it makes the guy look like a wimp. Every woman, person for that matter, is different. So different women need to be approached differently.

nymphetamine · Jan 10, 2006, 12:36 PM

It would be nice if they would let me rate you confused but, you are right on the money. I am a very affectionate person and I crave attention. I don't like clingy guys but, I will pick one over a guy who is never there for me anyday. That's right wildcat. I said Ill pick a clingy guy. I wish they had one of those smilies with the devil horns and the evil grin in here. Oh and no that doesn't mean I don't have confidence or self esteem wildcat. I am so hot I sizzle. Sssssssssssss. I just like to be loved on.

Wildcat21 · Jan 10, 2006, 01:54 PM

IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don’t let on how excited you’ve become. Slowly over many months of time you can eventually show more commitment on your part, but do so incrementally, remaining alert to equal signs of commitment back. If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.

It is their perception, rightly or wrongly, that someone nice must be desperately needy. The neediness or dependent characteristics exhibited by a person are actually what is repulsive.

talaniman · Jan 10, 2006, 05:22 PM

Your right that there are women out there that love sensitive guys but are you sure that the one you have now is one of those?Some times we fellas have to know when to fold up the tents and move on to the next town!:cool:

letmeno · Jan 10, 2006, 05:33 PM

Originally Posted by confused25

Are you sure that telling her that your life is fine and dandy without her is a good idea. I mean if she thinks his life is so great she may become heart broken and feel that she is not needed anymore. She will realize that she made a mistake but don't you think she will be afraid to make a move because now she feels that all is lost because he has moved on and he is happy? It may cause her to feel that he is no longer interested in her, and in effect push her away.

Letting her know that he is able to move on with or without her will let her know that she is not the center of his universe, it will show her that he can be happy without her, it will show that he has some backbone. If she has not tried to get back with him by now, it's more than likely that she is not. That is until he becomes unavailable to her.