[TrishC]

My grandmother was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness. My mother who is not handling it well at all, continues to deny that she is going to die and behaves as if everything is going to be OK. In doing so, she continues to call me for every little, umimportant thing (not relative to her condition) that she does for my grandmother. She also looks for every opportunity to pass off any responsibility to me that she is really supposed to be handling for my grandmother, as she was her caretaker at home. IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. How do I tell her to stop calling me for everything little thing and let her know that I'm not the person who is responsible for my grandmother, she is? Also, the catch here is my mother is a "functioning alcoholic" . Please help!

[Fr_Chuck]

Functioning alcoholic" , first there is no such thing, an alcoholic is an alcoholic, some have better days but none of them function properly and many function a lot less on some days.

First I would advice that you go to a program for family of alcoholics.
Next try hard to get your mom to go to a program if she is not.
She most likely is becoming less funtional dealing with the added stress of caring for her mother plus her mother dying.

It is very possible as her mother gets worst, she will not have the strength and ability to deal with it and will not be able to care for her.
Getting professional help in, or grandma to professional institution may be needed. There are many good hospice programs

[CaptainForest]

How do I tell her to stop calling me for everything little thing and let her know that I'm not the person who is responsible for my grandmother, she is??

Why not try communicating with her? Tell your mother straight out that she is driving you crazy and tell her to stop calling you over every little thing.

Sometimes honest communication is the best way to convey your position on an issue.

[talaniman]

Your mother, alcoholic or not, is going through a very stressul time in her life and caring for a terminally ill mother can't be all that easy.I'll bet she wishes you would be there to bolster her spirits every now and then.Even though she bears all the care giving for her mother, would it put you out to be there for your mother and grandmother after all even though she is an alcoholic she still gives of herself for her own mothers sake, could you do the same for your own mother.They both need you and what seems trivial to you is really a big deal to your mother and I bet she would appreciate your help and support.:cool:Sometimes giving of ourselves for others is the right thing to do!:cool:

[fredg]

Hi,
I am sorry to read about this, because I do agree with Fr_Chuck about the alcoholic wording; a person is either an alcoholic or isn't.
Only your Mom can say if she is, but if she drinks every day, or other signs, she might be. If she is, then her attitudes are different from a normal person; including possibly not wanting to face the fact that your grandmother is dying.
If you want to talk with others about your Mom, please look up, in your local phone book, the nearest Ala-Non meetings. They are free, for family, friends, loved ones, of an alcoholic. You would really learn more than you would ever imagine, just from attending the first meeting! I am almost sure there will be someone at the meeting who has experienced the same, or very similar, situations; and can give you some very good first-hand advice.
I do wish you the best, and hang in there. Find an Ala-Non meeting.