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cherryblueskies · Jan 17, 2008, 11:25 PM

My fiancé cuts himself every-time we get in a huge argument. This recently starting happening when a fight led to me wanting to move out for a little while. He has several slashes on his upper arm, claiming he can't live with out me which is a catalyst for hurting himself. His family is from seattle and we're in New York. When I tried to explain to them the situation and if there was anyway they could help me get him help since his mother suffers from bipolar as well, they simply told me that due to the distance there was nothing they could do and to just deal with it. I believe that my fiancé is dealing with a lot of repressed and emotional issues fueled by some kind of mental disorder and a family that obviously doesn't really care for his mental health, but I cannot help him if he doesn't want help and he feels as long as we're together everything will be fine. Now I'm under tons of stress and I try to avoid conflict with him at any cost because I know what he'll do to himself. Its to the point where I feel like I'm in the relationship for his happiness more than mine.

Any Advice?
And no, telling me to "just leave the bastard" will not make the situation any better.

Synnen · Jan 18, 2008, 12:03 AM

Give him the choice: Either he goes to the doctor and/or therapy, or you are going to call 911 the next time he harms himself.

He is manipulating you, and that is NOT GOOD.

No one is responsible for the happiness of another person, and you definitely shouldn't be responsible for his LIFE. Let him know that if he loves you as much as he says he does, he will get well so that YOU can be happy. If that's not how he feels, well--that's not love.

Wondergirl · Jan 18, 2008, 12:11 AM

Ah, you didn't mention the obligation in your other post. That changes my answer a bit. Rather than edit my other answer, I will just say here to go for that counseling and work through this with an unbiased third party. You need to get your ducks in a row and figure out how to get out of the relationship without feeling guilty and like you are deserting him. Even just a few sessions should give you what you need.

lavenderly · Jan 18, 2008, 06:15 AM

He is your fiancé and he can't leave without u?
His mother suffers from bipolar and so the son shares the mental disorder as well?
His family can't help you because you are too far away?

Seems to me that you won't have a very happy marriage. In fact, you could be living in stress forever. Your fiancé is making you feel trapped. His family is not supportive of him. They will soon be your in-laws, you know? Do u sincerely want to handle this feeling of distress for the rest of your life?

I will not ask you to leave him. It is indeed cruel to leave behind a fiancé who needs you so much or he'll hurt himself. But ask yourself for the truth in u, do you love him as a husband who can provide for the family and gives you happiness? Or are you doing charity by being the loving one although you suffer in silence?

It may make you feel better to suffer in silence because you will not feel bad for leaving this man. Besides, he is not all that bad, I'm sure. That is why you agreed to be his fiancée. So we are talking about "till death do us part" right? If u think so, GOAL!! Your fiancé managed to use his psychological method on u.

He'd rather see you suffer than bear the pain alone. You are being threatened--EMOTIONALLY, that is. Please acknowlege it and do not let him continue this mental game with u. Once you allow his threats to work on u, he will know that he can do it again. Maybe you care a lot, that is why you don't want to see him hurt. But you need to be strict and tell him NO MORE THREATS, or he'll lose u. If he does not heed your words, just know that you will be trapped in the relationship. Forever. And FOREVER is a loooooong time.

pices1 · Jan 18, 2008, 06:51 AM

Hey,this is just advice from someone who was going threw the same thing.I stayed for four years.girl it gets worse.after a wile he won't only hurt himself that's how it starts.please tell him to get help bipolar is a hard thing to deal wit.they are never stable enough to emotionaly have a happy medium in the way they feel.an unless he taks meds for it .they have a slim to none chance of controlling it. I never tell anyone to leave that has to be your choice.just remember if you need it there is help out there for you.and don't stay only cause your scared.good luck!

Fr_Chuck · Jan 18, 2008, 06:57 AM

I am sorry but this is really just another form of abuse and control, he is using his threats of self harm to control you and your actions. This is not love.

You have to get out of that relationship, as long as it works and he can control you by doing it, you will never know love and happinesss

So not what you want to hear, but just get out of it, You can try to use social serivces to get him help, but first and foremost is your safety from this mental abuse you are getting from him.

Brandino747 · Jan 18, 2008, 08:16 AM

This is ridiculous... so unless you want to stay with him forever then you need to let him go.

cherryblueskies · Jan 18, 2008, 09:47 AM

I do want to be with him forever, and I am in love. This is a side of him that I'm just now being introduced to and I feel that if I leave him when I see him at his weakest point, Im not only being a bad spouse but friend as well. The arguments can start petty, but he's overly sensitive and may take something I say and twist it into something completely different which will provoke another argument. Now two arguments turn into a fight, excessive screaming, slamming doors, that kind of thing; which is okay, every couple argues and when I feel like he's being too much of a jerk or I don't want to deal with conflict that's when I try to leave, as in leave the apartment for a night or just a few hours to calm down. He thinks I'm never coming back. So he takes a kitchen knife, stands by the door and starts to cut himself and begs me to stay. It hurts me so much because I feel its my fault, and that's why I stay.

Leaving him is not the answer I want, how can I tell him that if he continues to harm himself
The relationship is over when the thought of that is what triggers him do it in the first place?

HistorianChick · Jan 18, 2008, 10:02 AM

Honey, if you love him, you will help him.

I see the manipulation that he is holding over you - he is "keeping" you in this relationship because of his threats to physically hurt himself. As stated above, that is NOT love. That is controlling and manipulation.

You say you love him. Well, maybe you really do. Since you love him, I'm sure you want to do whatever it will take to help him fix what's broken in his life. You need to take action. He needs help. You give him the choice of therapy or 911, like Synnen said.

You love him, OK, stand by him. Tell him that you'll be there when he comes out of rehab. Tell him you want to be there, to support him, to live the rest of your life with him. BUT (and, that's a B-I-G "but") Also tell him that you will not stand for manipulation. Do not let him control you and your decisions.

You are faithful to him because of love - demand that same love in return.

Good luck, honey. :)

Synnen · Jan 18, 2008, 10:08 AM

He is MANIPULATING you.

What he is doing is a form of abuse.

It STARTS when he hurts HIMSELF to get your attention (and jesus--come on! How much like a 3 year old can you act, really? "Mom! If you don't pay attention to me RIGHT NOW, I'm going to put my hand in the blender!"), and it will continue so that he is hurting YOU to get your attention.

The next time he pulls this crap (and it IS crap--whatever tears and misery he THINKS he is pulling out of his... hat) calmly pick up the phone and dial 911. State to the operator that your fiancé is attempting suicide and you don't know how to help him.

That will get him into the hospital for an evaluation of his disorder, AND it will show him that you're taking him seriously.

Bipolar disorder is a disease that YOU are not trained to handle. He needs to be seeing a doctor about it. Period. If he will not do that, he does not love you. Period.

No argument should end in "if you don't see things my way, I'm going to maim myself!" That's how a 3 year old deals with things. If you don't want to go the 911 route, calmly tell him that you are going to a friend's house to calm down, you will be back in a couple of hours, and you'll be upset if he hurts himself, but it is NOT going to stop you from walking out that door. THEN tell him that there are more mature ways to deal with things, and you'd be glad to help him find a counselor that can help him figure that out.

ylaira · Jun 3, 2008, 05:54 PM

Talk to him a non-threatening, non-accusatory way. Talk to him when you're both lying in the bed and light's off. Make sure you are both in good mood so emotions won't get in the way later. You can also write a letter then talk about it later. Again make sure no emotions should get in the way. When you sound calm, he will understand more where are your frustrations coming from (in detail) and why he needs help. Don't read his mind. Avoid the use of the line "you always...." and making Oscar winning scene. Also words like manipulative, tyrannt, abusive and controlling (for now). Your BF has serious self esteem and security issues. Psychologists don't use those words because it doesn't help. It only invites more extreme negative emotions (for both of you).