[GratefulForHelp]

Sad topic for my first post, huh?

I'm at the end of my rope with my 14 yr. old son. Last November, he used the f-word while speaking to/at me. I wrote him a letter, telling him if he cursed at me again, his cell phone privilege would be revoked for a minimum of two weeks.

Early Dec 2007, he called me the b-word, and I followed through. Currently he MIGHT get the phone back sometime in Feb 2008.

Last night, in the middle of a family bowling game, he got upset with me and flipped me off. Considering that cursing, I called him on it. His reply was, 'don't think you can start with me and I won't respond'. I've been boiling ever since.

Much has transpired since last night, but rather than type that all out, could someone please tell me the answer to the posted question:

HOW DO I GET HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE???!

His father and I are divorced. His father is an alcoholic. Ds refuses to go to his house... and even said he would commit suicide before he went there.

FYI, we ARE in counseling. I attend Al-Anon regularly and he's been told that attending Ala-Teen is a requirement for getting his phone back.

Thank you all for reading this sad tale...

[bushg]

Where do you want to send him? By law you are responsible for his care if you have custody of him.

[Wondergirl]

What is your counselor saying about this?

I'm a counselor and see this situation as able to be salvaged. More after you answer my question...

[GratefulForHelp]

bushg,

I'm thinking foster care. He has such a feeling of entitlement, I want him to realize it's a PRIVLEGE to live in my house.

Wondergirl,

The couselor says he is very angry... mainly at his dad for (basically) abandoning him.

I understand his anger, but I'm DONE being his whipping post.

[jmiles]

Is he your natural son

[GratefulForHelp]

Jmiles,

Yes.

[Fr_Chuck]

He has cursed you a few times and you want to kick him out of the hosue,

That can't be all of it,? Has he knocked holes in the wall, thrown things though a window??

Next? You wronte him a letter? You did not yell at him and take the phone away then, so what else are you doing?

I am sorry these are so minor after raising 4 grown boys, I can't believe this is a serious post, but some joke to see what people say

[Wondergirl]

He's 14 years old.

He has (by your accounting) disrespected you only three times, about a month apart each time.

He is, the counselor says, very angry at his father.

Aren't you over-reacting? What else has transpired that you aren't telling us? What's the counselor doing about anger management for him, or teaching you about his anger and how to deal with it?

No, I don't think you understand his anger at all.

[N0help4u]

That is MILD for an angry 14 year old and DS won't do anything but tell you and him to get counseling. Does he ever have a decent conversation with you? If you can get him to talk to you when he is acting rational ask him why he is taking it out on you when his dad is the one that left. Ask him what he thinks the solution should be. Tell him he is going to have to deal with the consequences of his actions especially when he can't seem to treat you with respect.

He has a lot of resentment and if you can't get through to him you are going to need him to get counseling.

[EIFS EXPERT]

You are his mother and it is your responsibility to raise your own child. What's the alternative? Send him to his drunk dad? Put him in a group home? What do you think will happen to him? If you love him you have to sit down and talk to him civily. Not like a domineering figure but as someone with his best interest at heart. Does your son remind you of his dad? Maybe that's why you want him out.

[J_9]

Okay, who is the parent here, YOU or HIM?

He's 14 for crying out loud and you want to send him to a foster home for 3 offenses. Only 3 by your accounts here.

You wrote him a letter?? :eek: Are you that afraid of him? If so, why? He is an angry hormonal teenager with some issues. It is you, as a mother, that should give him some comfort, as his bio-father apparently can't.

By sending him to foster care you will only be fueling the fire of abandonment, the fire of anger, etc.

No, you shouldn't have to take this from your 14 year old, but for goodness sakes, if it has only been 3 offenses as you have posted, you are trying to take the easy way out, and teenagerhood gets much harder the older they get.

It is up to you, as the parent, to set limitations and stick to them. You need to be strong, set boundaries, punishments, and rewards. Sending him to a foster home will only make your problems worse.

[Fr_Chuck]

Weill I don't have an issue with her being a domineering figure, perhaps the boy may need some stronger dispiline

But I don't think that even the best behaved child know has not cursed or at least talked back seriously at least once.

This poor mom would have been scared to death calling 911 around my house when my four older boys lived there.

[EIFS EXPERT]

This poor mom would have been scared to death calling 911 around my house when my four older boys lived there.

:D

I'm just saying that he is just a kid. It's OK to wear kid gloves.

[GratefulForHelp]

Thank you all for your replies.

I'm not the most computer literate, so here are some blanket answers/comments:

Let me start by saying, THANK GOD for new days... today is a new day.

Fr_Chuck, my post is not a joke. The letter was a counselor's suggestion. I have talked, talked, talked, talked and talked with my son. I have written him letters in the past also (not only to address the cursing), and consider letter writing a viable means of communication.

Wondergirl, I simply meant that I understand (the fact) that he is angry at his dad. I would be the first to tell you that I don't understand 'it' (the anger itself)... but I am committed to keep on trying to 'get it'

Of course there is more of a history than these three occurrences. I did not think it appropriate (or something that y'all would even consider reading) to type it all out.

We began our counseling journey when ds14 was 2.5 yrs. Old... when his father left. While he has not been in the entire 12 years, I have. I have attended (I think) a half dozen parenting classes, anger management classes, individual counseling, couples counseling, etc. I am COMMITTED to being the best mom, wife, friend, worker, etc. that I can possibly be.

Eifs, I do see similarities between my son and my ex. I truly don't believe that is the reason I want him out of my house. I do not hate my ex. I accept his limitations, and we have a very cordial relationship. We attend family functions together, and I do not hold grudges against him.

Regarding wanting him out of the house... It's not HIM I wanted out. I was his BEHAVIOR that I no longer desired to tolerate. As mentioned earlier, we've talked this topic to death! I was completely and totally disrespected in my own home, and just wanted peace, when I posted the question.

As I expected, when I informed ds14 of the possibility of going to foster care, he crumbled. He's agreed to clean up his mouth. I've heard such professions in the past, but I still trudge along BELIEVING that there is hope.

Again, thanks to all who took the time to reply.

[be4laughter1212]

Does he have any Hobbies.If he does try to get involved with it.Even if it means sitting and playing video games with him.I'm not saying become his best friend.This is never good.I'm saying be part of his life In stead of him just being part of your life.I was the step dad for two very Pissed off Teenagers.A boy and a girl.When their DAD moved to another state the problems got a lot worse.I think DAD knew it would.Stand your ground if you don't he will walk all over you.Abuse or you will be abused.Sorry but that's the way kids work.

[GratefulForHelp]

Thanks be4-

It's somewhat ironic that we were doing the hobby thing DURING the latest disrespectful display. As a family, AT SS14's REQUEST, we had all gone bowling (5 games each... great deal on Friday night at the local alley). About mid-way through the first game, I noticed one of ss14's female classmates, and said, 'Hey isn't that xxxxxxxx' SS14 replied, no, and I replied 'yes it is', and that's what angered ss14 enough to eventually (a few games later, in reponses to light-hearted teasing about a gutter ball) flip me off.

I think it's AWESOME that you have stepped in for your stepchildren. Your presence provides a tremendously positive influence in their lives. Thanks again for your reply!

[reyes lujan]

You have a 14 year old son that needs your help. Sending him to his father is not the answer. Wanting to get your son out of your hair does not sound like a mother that would do anything in the best interest of the child. I think you're the one that needs help.