[nymphetamine]

Hello, everyone. Not sure where to post this one exactly. As you may know my children and I are staying with my parents for the time being. Well one of the parents happens to be my step mother. My step mom and I have always had this sort of tension between us and the same with her and my brother. Lets just say she told everyone including us that she loved us but the way she went about things spoke the opposite. I mean you can tell when someone loves you and I don't think that she did. The way she slammed down our dinner plates with suchobvious hate but set her blood children's plates down gently and with a smile. The way she let her children have what ever they wanted and cursing my daddy out if he bought anything for us but not minding if it was for her blood children. Every time my brother and I tried to talk about this to our dad she would just boo hoo and then he just makes excuses for her and we used to be able to talk to my grandma about it but now my step mama has her fooled and she takes our stepmoms side now. She doesn't see what really goes on. My daddy keeps asking me why I didn't leave my husband the first time he asked me to come back and stay with him. Well I did not tell him the truth that it is because of something that she said. If I tell him he will not believe me and it will just cause trouble. I mean when I told him about her punching me in the nose when I was a kid he didn't believe me then anyway so why would he believe me now. Well now I'm staying with them but the tension is crazy. My step mom jokes with me sometimes and talks to me about stuff but its like still tense even then. She doesn't nag at me the way she used to and it feels like she is forcing herself to be nice to me. The other day when my step sister was visiting she snapped at me because my children and my stepsisters daughter came down stairs and jumped on the bed. She got onto me about my children but never said word one about her blood daughters child of course. When my step sister comes over I feel like the tension gets worse and my dad even acts all weird. I guess my dad has his new children now from my step mom and has no need for me anymore. Unfortunately my step mom is the only mom I know. I just feel like Im walking on egg shells and I have to watch my step so they don't crack or the roof is going to cave in. Any step parents out there who can offer some sort of advice?

[daehnolem]

Sorry, I'm not a step parent, and I never lived with my step mom. How are your step siblings towards you? Are they friends with you at all? Can you talk to them about this? If you can, maybe they can say something to their mom on your behalf. Maybe she'll listen to them and realize that what she has going on in her head has seeped out into the way she treats you, whether she realizes it or not. If they can't or won't speak up for you, maybe you should try to find somewhere else to stay. If money is a problem, try government assistance or anything. It's not good for your well being mentally to be treated that way, and it's not good for your kids to see you being treated that way. And they shouldn't be treated that way either. It's good to keep a good relationship with your parents, but even a relationship with your parents has to have a healthy balance of give and take and of familial civility. I hope your situation turns for the better soon, Crankiebaby.
Anyone out there with experience that can help better than I can?

-B

P.S. What part of GA are you from? That's where I was born and grew up. My family still lives there.

[nymphetamine]

Im from Newnan. Im not exactly in a situation where I can move out right at the moment. My half brother although we get along is real quick to stand up for his mom and he won't listen and my stepsister although we grew up as sisters I can't talk to her about it either. My step mom tends to get very defensive also when anyone tries to tell her she is doing anything wrong. She is all ways right no matter what. If you know what I mean. We have been getting along the past few days, but that's mostly because I have been being extremely careful. Her and my dad asked me my opinion on something today which made me feel pretty cool and she gave me some advice on helping my 6 year old study for her spelling test. My dad has made me realize that part of the reason my step mom is crabby about everything lately is she has been trying to quit smoking and they just are not getting any business with their job. They have been offered a better job with better pay and benefits so that should hopefully make things a little better.

[daehnolem]

Holy crap! I'm from Newnan, too! It's where I grew up. That's crazy. You may have met some of my family because there are a lot of us. My maiden name is Graybeal. That, or I could've delivered a pizza to you at some point when I worked at the Domino's downtown. That really sucks that you can't really talk to anyone about your stepmom. I hope things calm down once she's not so stressed for everyone's sake. It's no fun when there's tension in the house. I guess maybe the best thing to do is to be as nice to your stepmom as you possibly can, the whole kill them with kindness routine. Maybe you already are being as nice as you can bear, in which case, keep with it. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger, right? And being as nice as you can to your stepmom might help her to realize how crappy she's being to you.

-B

[fredg]

Hi,
Since you are living with them, it's up to you as to how "pleasant" things will be. The other answer about being nice to your step-mom is really good.
If she "scolds" you or the kids, just "suck it up", and don't say anything mean.
I know that sometimes it's hard not to say anything, but since nothing else has worked, and you have tried this some, keep it up if you can.
Be nice to her, don't let an argument get started with you, and hang in there.
Hopefully, you can move out in the near future.

[bizygurl]

I agree with Fredg, Since you are in her house, you do almost have to save face when she starts to treat you like that, and since your father isn't really getting it and won't stand up for you, like he should. Your running the risk of her boo hooing to your dad and possibly being forced out of the house. That may be a stretch but you never know.

But on the other hand, do stand up for yourself. I have always had a problem keeping my mouth shut if someone's been nasty to me. But as I got older I have learned to pick my battles. The whole situation with your step sisters kids getting away with jumping on the bed and yours getting scolded at by her, That I wouldn't say anything to. Although it would make my blood boil, it isn't anything new. The woman makes it clear that she favors her blood children and grandchildren. Saying anything to that won't change the way she is. However, if she says something inappropriate to you or your children, or she screams at you in front of your kids. I wouldn't yell back but have a private conversation with her and tell her how you feel.

Unfortunately you are probably right about how she seems to be forcing her affection to you, I can imagine that it is hurtful especially since she is the only mother you ever known. And please don't have any guilt or blame yourself, this is a problem with herself, not you or your brother. Miserable people always need someone to treat like crap that's how they feel better about themselves. Bottom line she shouldn't have married your dad if she didn't want step children, that's her fault, not yours. But you can't change people. And its her loss. Im sure she will regret it one day.

[talaniman]

Crankie,just an observation but anyone trying to quit smoking is going to be an emotional wreck,and if you're the only child there guess who catches it.Just last week my brother who lives with our mother was catching hell and he got mad cause she never jumps on me ,but its obvious that he's there everday and me she only see's occasionally,so don't take peoples crankieness;) to personally and don't let it get you down,we all go through changes that make us less than cheery somedays but keep the chin up tomorrow's always better!:cool: ;)