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Anonymous999 · Dec 29, 2005, 03:07 PM

Hi, I'm in a predicament I thought I would never find myself in and would like your advice on the situation.

Im 21 and have been dating this girl for 4 months, she is also 21. A month ago she told me she was pregnant and it was from a guy that she had a one night stand with she didn’t use protection...
She rang the guy to let him know and he wasn’t bothered at all, she was OK about the situation explaining to me that she doesn’t accept him as a responsible father figure anyway and doesent want to have anything to do with him.
Her mother and father are deeply religious (Christians) and was completely shocked (as your would be) but the father was understandably angry for a few weeks but have come to accept it.

I have told her how I feel about the situation, I have never wanted kids but that doesn’t mean I don’t like them. The thing is if the child was mine I would have no problems, I would support her all the way; but I feel when the baby is born I shall never be as attached to it as I would be if it were mine. Im only 21 still a baby :p , things where starting to go brilliantly for me; finished my Diploma last year and got a fantastic job that pays well and now this is thrown at me.

I have told my father and mother about the situation and they will support me whatever action I take. The thing is if I was reading this 5 months ago I would have said "Move on man, plenty of fish in the sea" but I'm very attached to her and in my heart I'm a big softie and would never want to hurt her.

Thanks for taking the time to read this long post, any advice would help me sleep better than I currently am.

CaptainForest · Dec 29, 2005, 03:19 PM

Move on man, plenty of fish in the sea.

Oh, right, that's what you would have said.

You say you are very attached to her and "in my heart im a big softie" and "would never want to hurt her."

Fist of all, don’t worry about hurting her.

You need to look out for your interests here. Question is do you want to be with someone who is pregnant and therefore, with a kid.

Is she planning on raising the kid herself or giving it up for adoption? I’m guessing abortion is out.

Do you feel comfortable being with her and a kid that’s not yours? Only you would know that. Did she cheat on you or did you 2 have an open relationship?

If you love her, then stay with her. Can you see you 2 getting married? If you are just lusting after her, then I say leave. You are still young.

Anonymous999 · Dec 29, 2005, 03:33 PM

Originally Posted by CaptainForest

Move on man, plenty of fish in the sea.

Oh, right, that's what you would have said.

You say you are very attached to her and "in my heart im a big softie" and "would never want to hurt her."

Fist of all, don’t worry about hurting her.

You need to look out for your interests here. Question is do you want to be with someone who is pregnant and therefore, with a kid.

Is she planning on raising the kid herself or giving it up for adoption? I’m guessing abortion is out.

Do you feel comfortable being with her and a kid that’s not yours? Only you would know that. Did she cheat on you or did you 2 have an open relationship?

If you love her, then stay with her. Can you see you 2 getting married? If you are just lusting after her, then I say leave. You are still young.

Thanks for Replying,
Adoption is out, she would never get it done anyway because of there familys strong religious beliefs.

I did forget to mention she never cheated on me she had a one night stand before we started dating, and she told me as soon as she had been to the doctors before the parents even knew...

Its not lust I'm after, but love although I'm far too young to ever truly understand what love really is... Im unsure if I would feel comfortable with the kid or not its so hard to know what to do...

The thing is I don't want to be with her for a few years and the child gets attached to me then I decided I've had enough and move on. It would be devastating for the child for the only true "father" figure the child has know to walk out.

CaptainForest · Dec 29, 2005, 03:43 PM

Originally Posted by Anonymous999

The thing is I dont want to be with her for a few years and the child gets attached to me then I decided iv had enough and move on. It would be devistating for the child for the only true "father" figure the child has know to walk out.

Well, you are going to have to make a decision. Do you take the risk or not. At most the child will be what, 2 or 3 when/if you leave. I barely remember anything from that age. I don’t think you will scar the child emotionally forever by leaving him/her at that age.

Anonymous999 · Dec 29, 2005, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by CaptainForest

Well, you are going to have to make a decision. Do you take the risk or not. At most the child will be what, 2 or 3 when/if you leave. I barely remember anything from that age. I don’t think you will scar the child emotionally forever by leaving him/her at that age.

Good point, I shall stay with her and take each day as it comes as I have been doing I think.

Chery · Dec 29, 2005, 06:34 PM

Depending on how much emotion you've already invested in her, and you accept her truthfulness - you sound like you can handle the situation. There are a lot of children who don't know their biological fathers and will be able to cope as long as they are loved and nurtured. You might not feel 'close' now, but kids can grow on you and you might even love this little one more than you can imagine right now. If not, and you decide to leave eventually, the child will survive the loss after missing you for a while, which would only be natural. Just make sure that you have the right attitude and reason for staying now, or leave. This is new to both of you and if you can bond here, then you just might wind up a happy family after all. Good luck, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

s_cianci · Dec 30, 2005, 08:30 AM

It sounds like you really care for this girl. The big question is are you ready to be a father? If you stay with her, you'll end up raising this child as his/her father and quite soon at that. This girl comes with the requirement that you be prepared to advance into instant fatherhood, just as if she were a single mom to an already-born child. If you don't feel that you're ready for that responsibility right now, then in fairness to all concerned you need to end it with her. On the other hand, if you're ready to be a dad, then go for it.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 30, 2005, 08:36 AM

Has no one addressed the point that she cheated on him ( yea one night stand, who really believes that)

She had unprotected sex and if it was a one night stand that shows very low concern about you, about bringing all sorts of STD into your relationship.

By the way if you have not been tested, do it now.

Sorry if I am sounding so hard and mean about this, but what level of relationship is this. Plus the other man will be part of that babies life most likely, child support latter, maybe he wants visitation, or he may decide he does 5 years from now.
And sorry to disagree but yes a lot of emotional bonds at 3 years old, and yes that can effect a child if a love one ( you will be the parent for all he knows) leaves.

You either "BOTH" decide to get counseling and stick it out, or more on now before more harm is done.

fredg · Dec 30, 2005, 08:39 AM

Hi, anonymous,
I have been married now for 28 yrs, and at 63 yrs old, really can't see knowing someone well enough only after 4 months to marry them!
I was first married for 7 yrs, ended in divorce.
As your reply said, I would suggest staying with her, helping her out, but don't get married now. At 21 yrs old, you have some years left to make a decision on who to marry.
It does sound like you care for this girl, but please ask yourself: Is it really caring? Or is it more "feeling sorry for her".
The decision is yours, and yours alone. But, please don't marry her right now. Take some time, see what happens. In a year, you might not even feel the same way about her, and she about you.
Happy New Year.

Chery · Dec 30, 2005, 01:07 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Has no one addressed the point that she cheated on him ( yea one night stand, who really believes that)

She had unprotected sex and if it was a one night stand that shows very low concern about you, about bringing all sorts of STD into your relationship.

by the way if you have not been tested, do it now.

Sorry if I am sounding so hard and mean about this, but what level of relationship is this. Plus the other man will be part of that babies life most likely, child support latter, maybe he wants visitation, or he may decide he does 5 years from now.
And sorry to disagree but yes alot of emotional bonds at 3 years old, and yes that can effect a child if a love one ( you will be the parent for all he knows) leaves.

You either "BOTH" decide to get counseling and stick it out, or more on now before more harm is done.

She didn't cheat on him, this happened before they started dating. To make mistakes is human, remember? I would not suggest marriage yet, but if he in all truthfulness can be serious about his feelings for her, and she reciprocates, they just might have a chance - we all deserve at least one in life.. I had a step-dad too and he was better than my mother, so not all can be put into one barrel. Have a Happy New Year!

Anonymous999 · Dec 30, 2005, 04:54 PM

I think some users mis-read some of my post - she never cheated on me and I never mentioned anything about "Marriage!" heaven forbid I won't be thinking about that for many years!
She has been to the doctors and is free of any kind of STD...

I would like to thank everyone that replied so far its really put my mind at rest about the situation and where I stand in the relationship...
For now anyway :)
Have a Happy New Year People... :)

nwsflash · Dec 30, 2005, 05:46 PM

You either run as fast as you can too the hills and cut this girl outta your life and move on, or you stay put and work things out together.

If you run and leave this girl, do you think that this is the right thing for you to do and would this play in your mind and do you think you can move on quick, think about what your feelings are in your heart not your mind, can you say that you are both 100% in love with one another.. And If you stick around and deal with this are you willing for all the commitment that you would be giving and putting yourself into... This is going to be one of the biggest things that you could ever do in your life and you need to be strong in your mind and soul for this, as this could be the rest of your adult life your talking about.

If you stay with her, its always going to be you, her and the baby and yes the child is going to be apart of your life if you stick together and you may end up taking on the roll model for this child if the father from what your saying wants nothing to do with this child, and would you be willing for this as this is a major commitment and would urge you not too take it lightly if children are involved in the situation as they are 100% "innocent" and not part of the matter. If you stay with this girl you are going to have to know that there are 3 of you in the relationship and deep down in your heart would you be willing for this. You say that you are not sure if you could except the child, if your sticking with her, sorry to say there is no choice you would have to, our you may find that it would be your gf making her mind up and kicking you to the side-walk.

I hope this has helped you a little, sorry if I seem a little blunt, but you need to really get your head into gear and way up all the pro's and cons' of this matter very deep.. From what you have been saying in your post you seem like you really care for this girl, but is this as a friend or as a gf ?? Only you can ans that in your heart.

bizygurl · Dec 30, 2005, 07:54 PM

You said that you're a big softie and your very attracted to her. Ummm... do you think that is enough of a reason to stay with a girl who is having a baby that isn't yours? The one thing you didn't say is if you loved her. Anyone can be attracted to someone but do you love her enough to take on this resposibility? You already sound like your dreding this immensly. You guys have been only dating for four months and you are only twenty one. How do you know if this is the person you want to be with. I know it sounds like I'm saying don't be there for her, I don't mean that. Im saying that If you decided to take on this responsibility this child id going to consider you "daddy". And if something happens down the road and you decide to break up, Its going to have an effect on you and that child. Make sure that you can handle this resposibility and everything that goes with it, because its definitely not a decision to be taken lightly.

momincali · Dec 30, 2005, 08:30 PM

Originally Posted by CaptainForest

.. At most the child will be what, 2 or 3 when/if you leave. I barely remember anything from that age. I don’t think you will scar the child emotionally forever by leaving him/her at that age.

I could not disagree with Captain Forest more! I have 3 kids, my youngest son is 20 months old and if their father had walked out on them at 2 or 3 years old, it would have devastated them. My son practically waits for him at the door to get home, he adores him. Would their life have continued, of course, but they would always wonder what happened and deep down, subconsciously perhaps, they will question whether it was their fault? Can you risk doing that to a child?

I know you're in a bad situation and I am not telling you that you should stay and take responsibility for a child that you did not biologically father. However, I am telling you that if you decide to stick around, you'd better stick around for the long haul!! If you leave, then leave for good and don't look back. Even though she brought this on herself, you shouldn't give the girl false hope that you're there for keeps and then when things get tough, you disappear. I understand you have intense feelings for her, but, please don't base it on how you feel, because feelings can change from one day to the next. Commitment doesn't change, it's solid, good or bad, thick or thin. If heaven forbid you got hit by a truck and were made a quadriplegic, her commitment to you would keep her there by your side, even if her feelings told her to bolt.

Maturity and nobility would compel a man to stay and put his needs aside so that this child can grow up in a home with two devoted parents but as you said, you're practically a child yourself. If you left, you wouldn’t be a bad guy either, you're not prepared for this emotionally or financially. Good job or not, raising a kid is expensive.

If you stay, I would highly suggest 2 things. One is that you completely let go of the notion that the kid is not yours. Behave as though it was your blood running through this baby's veins because when it all boils down, blood doesn't mean a hell of a lot. Blood wouldn't erase all the experiences, good, sad, excited, proud moments that you had created? Love and devotion would make this child yours, just the way adopting a child is made yours. Second, constantly remind yourself that it was your decision to stay and don't resent this girl for it. Don't start to mistreat her. Always treat her like she is the mother of your children, with love and respect and I believe you will always get the same in return.

Best Wishes...

spyyder · Dec 31, 2005, 03:50 PM

Man.. stay with the chick... You don't have to marry her man. When the child gets born, don't stay for longer than 2-3 years.. and by that time your love for her will definitely die down anyway (like everyone else).

Your 21 man... and you want to get married.. . you should be tasting all the fishes in the sea before you decide on which one you like best (lets say a turnover of 1 every 1-12 weeks)... get married when your 65+ that way you live life great (with loads of spouse experience) and will not die alone.

Anonymous999 · Dec 31, 2005, 05:18 PM

Thanks for everyone reply I havbeen at the pub since 6 so not too eligible to post but have a happu new year an d all the nbest for the fueture!

nwsflash · Dec 31, 2005, 06:58 PM

Originally Posted by Anonymous999

Thanks for everyone reply I havbeen at the pub since 6 so not too eligable to post but have a happu new year an d all the nbest for the fueture!

I wish you a very Happy 2006 as I know that its going to be life changing which ever road that you take... May you find the ans deep down in your heart... Listen to that and not your mind, always trust your heart and feeling and not your mind..

talaniman · Jan 1, 2006, 01:43 AM

When you sober up can you explain how you know you are in love after knowing someone for 4 months Do you already know how you'll feel in a year?:cool:

rkim291968 · Jan 1, 2006, 02:52 AM

Others have said something similar. I am repeating here for supporting their point.

I think you should not commit but be supportive of your GF. When you are sure you have a strong future with her and her baby, you can make a decision then.

nwsflash · Jan 1, 2006, 10:24 AM

Originally Posted by rkim291968

Others have said something similar. I am repeating here for supporting their point.

I think you should not commit but be supportive of your GF. When you are sure you have a strong future with her and her baby, you can make a decision then.

That's sound advice, but dude you better be ready to take those baby coming hormones lmfao if you stick around... Plus do you plan on being at the birth, if you do you will see that this is a magic event weither the child is yours our not... Plus you may find that this helps you bond