[ISneezeFunny]

So I have an ongoing trend.

I am currently NOT in a relationship, but in the past 3 serious relationships, my girlfriends have been the type that are... "too nice". Meaning, if a guy is hitting on them, and I mean... blatantly hitting on them, calling them, asking them out to lunch, etc. they 1) deny that the guys are hitting on them... and 2) just say... "they're being nice"

This... makes me jealous. I trusted all of my girlfriends. But trust only goes so far when your girl is "being nice" to the other nice guy.

Of course, this leads me to have a talk with the girlfriend... something along the lines of:

Hey ______ (fill in girlfriend name here... preferably something exotic), listen, I trust you entirely... but you're just too nice to notice when guys are hitting on you. For example, when that guy offered to buy you a drink at the bar... I'd appreciate it if in the future, you didn't take it, or instead said, sorry. I have a boyfriend.

Then that doesn't work.

... and my girlfriends then think that I'm being that raging jealous boyfriend who tries to control everything and become the dad instead of the boyfriend.

... how do I stop this madness? Better yet, how do I stop being jealous then?

[wayne0418]

Women are a hard subject. You may not be over jelouse. I wouldent want want my wife getting drinks from some strang guy, and espesely calling them after wards. There are a lot of bad relationships before a decient one. Try dating girls that don't go to the places you don't find ecseptible. Also remember if it is easy for you to take them out they might be easy girls. Often the traits we won't our women to have for us is the trait that couses truble for us.

[ISneezeFunny]

Well, my girlfriends don't CALL the guy, or give their numbers out. But if the guy hits on them, then the girlfriends will respond by saying HI, I'M ____. I prefer that they just say I HAVE A BOYFRIEND... or something to that effect.

And I know that my girlfriends WOULD respond that way if they knew they were being hit on, but they just don't recognize it when they're being hit on.

[Craig80]

I hear you man.. I agree with you in some way - being the jealous guy I am..
I wouldn't like it either if my girlfriend accepted drinks from guys hitting on her etc.. I really wouldn't.

My humble opinion is that a girlfriend with total respect for her boyfriend;

1) If being flirted with and someone obviously shows that he wants to be more than friends - says "I have a boyfriend, he means everything to me" (Or whatever phrase that shows the guy hitting on her that she really isn't available.)

2) Respects that you find it hard when she's too open (maybe just a little too nice.) to guys hitting on her and says "Alright, I love you _____ and if you find it hard of course I respect that and I won't respond openly to flirting in the future"

THEN, and a rather big THEN, there always has to be trust for a relationship to work.. controlling someone else rarely work and if it does it won't continue working for very long.. but I am sure you already know this fact. :)

[wayne0418]

Good point Craig80. We all have exceptible and un exceptible behave yours from our girfriends. It's not being jelus it is seting helthy bondries in your relation ship.

[EuRa]

I guess I'm going to disagree with everyone here, but that doesn't mean I'm right. All the girls I've ever dated, when we go out to a bar or something and a guy starts talking to them, I let them talk or join in myself. Most of the time I'll just turn my head and see what happens. If the girls all stop and say "im with my boyfriend" or introduce me or something, then I know she's a keeper. If she just goes on talking with these guys and ignores me, I will probably break up with her the next day.

A relationship is built on trust. You have to let go and allow them to make their own decisions. If they have your best interests at heart, they won't ignore you and talk with other men in front of you. If they do, then they aren't worth your time. If they include you or turn down the guy on their own, then they are a keeper for the time being. :)

That's my opinion.

[talaniman]

Could it be the type of females you take out? We all have to examine the type we attract and are attracted to, to know what we want in a female. I think that's the type you like, really nice ones. Check out some that have a little more fire in them, so to speak, or are not so nice. I like athletes, who leave it all on the field, and are very competitive, and spirited.

[s_cianci]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think the problem is with these "girlfriends" of yours. No woman who is out on a date with someone should be accepting drinks and playing up to come-ons from other men. If she's out only with other women or by herself that's one thing. Even then, if she's in a committed relationship with someone she shouldn't be accepting approaches from other men of any kind. Your girlfriends may wan to be "nice" but you can rest assured that that's not the mens' motives. Frankly I think that "being nice" is just an excuse.

[s_cianci]

and I know that my girlfriends WOULD respond that way if they knew they were being hit on, but they just don't recognize it when they're being hit on

Don't be so sure. Most women aren't that naïve. I can understand you wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt but that's what'll get you burned. Remember to follow your gut ; if something doesn't seem right, it isn't.

[Synnen]

I'd like to throw my perspective out there, since it's a differing opinion. I'm one of those too-nice girls, and a notorious flirt on top of it.

If any guy had asked me to not talk to another guy at a bar, I would have gotten mad at him. Not only is that a controlling statement--it shows that he's insecure and doesn't trust me. **Remember--this is the OPINION of a girl! I'm not knocking you guys, just stating how I would see it if I were her.

I see how accepting drinks from guys could be an issue--but not realizing a guy is flirting with you, you should just not talk to any other guys when you're out? Are girls okay? I mean--they might be lesbians and trying to pick her up too! OMG--better just not go out! She might be exposed to other PEOPLE! People who might make her LIKE them! Oh NOES!

Seriously--you just need to trust your girlfriend. If YOU think a guy is stepping over the line, why not just walk up and give her a kiss, and ask if YOU can get her a drink--honeybunches? Why don't YOU take control of the situation, rather than expecting HER to change who SHE is?

[jbaby3306]

My fiancé would be the same way and that was the same reaction EVERY one of my past bf's have had so trust me you're the normal guy. It could be the way/tone/time your bringing it up about the guy. Or it could be the girl just doesn't realize he's hitting on her. Or she does and she likes it but it could just be innocent flirting and while I don't loveeee that idea so long as she's going home with you at the end of the night I would try not to be too worried

[allswell]

Here's another woman's perspective. I find the actions of these women you dated questionable, at best. I guess it does make a difference if she's officially your girlfriend or just someone you're dating--but still, if you're at a venue with someone, then that's who you spend your time with. I am not suggesting that these women gaze into your eyes all night, but there's a fine line between being courteous, and giving off the vibe of being interested in someone else.

I have been in the situations you describe before. However, if I am seeing someone, it would make me downright uncomfortable if a third party was overtly flirting with me. Out of respect for myself and my BF/date, I'd remove myself from that situation as fast as possible. But, if I don't want to stop talking to this new guy and dread going back to my original date, then there's something wrong in the relationship I am in, isn't there?

So, are you being too jealous? No, you have reason to be, because something isn't right. Were they worth it? Probably not. If you (within reason) alert someone to the fact that her actions make you uncomfortable, then she should listen, and not just throw her hands up in the air and say you're a controlling freak. And for the record, if any one I ever dated told me I was being "too nice" to other men in their presence, I'd be mortified, and feel ashamed--because I have good judgment, and if someone said something to me like that, there's probably good cause.

As for denying that someone is hitting on them? That's not naivite, it's false modesty. Women are not naïve, and can be very manipulative. Every woman knows when she's being hit on. Heck, most women think they're being hit on when no such thing happened.

So, in summation. It's not you, it's her :) When someone special comes along, she won't be "being too nice" to other men.

[Simple Asian]

uhm.. in my opionion... yes we can be jealous when some guys are hitting on my girlfriend.. (if I have any at the moment ) and I will just go off to her and like "hey who's he " but then I realized that damn I am being jealous b.c someone some guy flirts with my girlfriend...

but then I think about how about me flirts with other girls when I have a girlfriend?. trust me.. I do flirts a lot.. I just find that fun and a great way to meet new people...

but then I always end up hearing my girlfriend say how hurt she is and don't want me to do that anymore... and I feel like I being controlled by my girlfriend...

and trust me I believe most of the guys here do flirts and feeling that why right ?

so think about it when you feel jealous to your girlfriend when get hit on... ^^ you did the same think

[crispy_chick]

Ok this is just what I think and Been a Female it might shed some light, but I am not saying I am right either... I have got many reasons for maybe why I am like this too, and I am a nice chick but when it comes to someone hitting on me I am a little B****h...
I don't believe in talking to other guys in a flirtasious way, Yes there is nothing wrong with just a chat as a friend what every but the moment they were to flirt with me id give them the flick... If I was to meet a guy at a bar weither my guy was with me or not I would always tell him and if I was to stay in contact with him I would introduce him to my man..
But please in me saying this you must remember I actually don't get to go out and meet new people or anything, but if I could that's how I would be,. I have had a few functions I have had to go to for my partners work where I have been hit on though and that is what I have done, I have said sorry mate but I am taken cya and walked off... A lot of the time they don't even know that your taken and unless you say something how are they to know.
Anyway if it was my guy I would like for him to tell me if he thought someone was flirting with me if I didn't realise... Also If I was out and my guy was with me I would actaully like for my guy to be sitting with me having fun with me.

[talaniman]

I let my wife handle all those pests, and if she needs my help, then I'll let him know she ain't got time. When she is out without me, I just don't worry about it. I'm secure and trust her judgement on whatever she does.

[mafiaangel180]

Just my opinion, but there is nice and there is door mat. You know... those people who claim they are too nice to say no. (There are crap loads of books on how to deal with these types.) But if they were really nice, wouldn't they know how to say no? Because she would have your feelings in mind -- not some jacka$$ at a bar. "No...I have a boyfriend." Just an example. To me, THAT is nice.

Haha, all of my "overly nice" friends probably think I'm mean because I stick up for myself. Oh well. It doesn't mean I'm not nice though. It just means I know where my loyalties lie.

[Synnen]

I guess, to me... I'm always looking for a friend. Male OR female--you can't have too many friends! And if we're out, and I happen to end up talking to a guy, and we find we have something in common--great! And then, when my husband returns from wherever he was, I introduce him!

I guess my question is this: Where are you during the time that she's "flirting"? If you're sitting right next to her, why aren't you in the conversation? If you're NOT next to her (you're on the dance floor, or in the bathroom, or whatever), why aren't you introducing yourself when you come back?

I guess that I just don't assume that because a guy is talking to me, he is trying to pick me up. Probably because when I'm talking to a guy, I'm not trying to pick HIM up.

[lavenderly]

I am also one of the nice gals, but I have that fire in me if I'm provoked. Yet, I do not simply slap a man in the face by telling him that "I have a boyfriend", before he makes obvious moves to pursue me.

Most women can be demure and courteous. We are not like some men who go upfront and tell his buddy "Hey, she's mine!". Women are also open to talking and any other forms of communication, that is why she might not realize that a guy is hitting on her. Call it ignorant or dumb, but we do not suspect every man that we come into contact with as a potential admirer. We are not that attractive, are we?

Some guys can be very possessive. I once had an ex who would say I'm being too nice to the male hairstylist. He even said that I should not be talking much when in the salon. Ok, so I'm being friendly, I want my hair done right. Im being courteous because the hairstylist is the master of my crowning glory. What's wrong with that?

It truly is a manifestation of guys' insecurities or arrogance if he often finds his girlfriend being too nice to others. Of course, accepting a drink in suggestive places like a bar is not acceptable. But on other daily activities, being nice to people does pay off ^_^

[ISneezeFunny]

The hairstylist... I'm OK with. Unless the dude's trying to give you a massage or asking you out to dinner. It doesn't happen very often, it only happens when she's out with HER friends.

Of course, she's very honest and open with me, (whoever "she" might be) but often, she'll come back and tell me that she danced with a few guys, and that they were nice.

Of course, she doesn't want to flirt with them or get with them, and by telling me this, she's very upfront with me... however, in my mind, as a guy, if a guy asks a girl to dance, or offers a drink, that's textbook "i want to be in your pants."

I guess that's where men and women differ. I somewhat agree with the ladder theory. I somewhat think that men and women can't be friends unless there's some sort of attraction from either side.

[lavenderly]

It is not that females go all out to make friends with the guys. It is just that we do not limit ourselves to having female friends only. I am sure you do have some female friends too, not the heart-to-heart talk kind of female friends perhaps, but you do know a few gals right?

If your girlfriend starts to tell you that she is uncomfortable with you smiling at the cashier in a supermarket, or approaching a female store assistant to ask for the right size of shirt, would you feel she is overreacting?

Actually, I guess the main difference here is that guys approach gals while gals are being approached by guys. Some people may think that the person who gets approached are more likely to cheat; while some think that the person who approaches others are more active in starting affairs.

It all boils down to understanding and communication. Set your standards but listen to your gf's too. Also, look at your own actions before imposing your standards on others. Every couple has different limits when it comes to opposite gender interaction. It is good to hear from others so that you know whether you are still in the norm or already too extreme.