[December57]

My adult daughter is very upset with her family and me because we've been suggesting that she needs to find employment with benefits. She has quit every job she ever had and quit her last job about 6 months ago. She is not looking for work and has no medical insurance. She is very angry that I or the family give her advice. She says she doesn't want to end up like us, with jobs, a home, paying bills and being a slave to all of that. She lives with her boyfriend who seems very nice and is always respectul to me and the family. She is very sweet one minute to me and then turns on me and is very disrespectful. She talks to me as though I am a child and she is the adult. She said that if us being concerned and giving her advice is the way we show love, she doesn't want that kind of love. She has been given a new car (to find work and get to and from work) and she puts her grandparents down (to me and others) for buying it for her, yet she sure doesn't hesitate to keep it. They bought her a cell phone too and they pay that bill. She hates being with the family for holidays, birthdays, or any family function, and always makes an excuse to leave early. She works one day a week for 4 hours and uses that money to buy her friends birthday gifts, etc. Since she was a teenager, she managed to give me two gifts - one at Christmas years ago and one for my birthday. Other than that, she never even buys me a birthday card. She indicated that she hates our family and what we stand for - we're part of corporate America. She doesn't want to turn out like us. One minute she is sweet and kind and the next, she is telling me how much she hates the family and wants nothing to do with us. I was so upset over an email she sent me that I told her she should just be honest with everyone in the family and tell them that she no longer wishes to be part of the family. I also suggested that since she hates material things, she should return the car to her grandparents who are making the payments, and the cell phone, and not accept any more gifts from the family she can't stand. We have all tried to help her but she just gets angry. I don't know how to deal with her. She's fine as long as no one attempts to tell her anything. I'm concerned for her future - no job, no skills, no money for retirement. Her boyfriend does not make a large salary. I can't get through to her, she doesn't respect me, my opinions, feelings. Any suggestions?
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[s_cianci]

Let her boyfriend deal with her. Then when he gets tired of her she's out on the street. She says she doesn't want a job, bills, etc. so let her have what she says she wants. Certainly don't allow any family members to buy her any more things or pay any more bills.

[simoneaugie]

Tough love. I can understand why you wrote her the email though. Actually, let her know, when you are not angry, that you love her very much and want the best for her, but that you understand that getting that "best" is her job now. Quit beating yourself up! You do want the best for her. But, she must find it on her own. Let her have the car, her own cell-phone bill and then; buy her nothing. Give her nothing. When she turns nasty towards you, walk away.

It is her life to live. Americans have right to pursue happiness. We do not have the right to manipulate our parents, unless they let us. It is no longer your job to fix her or her life. The only way you can affect her is to change yourself.

[oneguyinohio]

Sounds like that girl needs a wake up call. She won't get it as long as all of her needs are being taken care of for her. Think of it this way... if you were willing to give me the car, phone, and all the goodies... I could easily say how awful the work world was and that I was glad not to be part of it... Does she reallize the source of all those material things is from those of you who work? Cut her off... giving a date by which you expect her to be earning her living if she wants to stay on your generous side with the generous allowance or trust fund... if she wants to start her own business you can help her be her own boss if she has the maturity to handle it, but it doesn't seem like it from what you've said.

If she truly doesn't want all of those things she says, she is on her way to success... as long as people give her everything she won't have a desire to work.

[Clough]

She is spoiled, acts like a child and also throws temper tantrums and wants her own way as a child would who was not brought up like a child would who had not been taught how to make her way on her own.

Whose name is the new car in? If it's not in her name, there may be some possible leverage by taking the car away and then having her to rely on public transportation to look for and go to jobs.

Early in your post, you state that she "quit her last job about 6 months ago." Whereas, later you state, "She works one day a week for 4 hours and uses that money to buy her friends birthday gifts, etc." So, I'm not sure what you mean by quitting her last job and yet she seems to be working now at something, though.

I agree that it's a good idea to let her boyfriend deal with her. Please don't pay for anything else for her. If you or other relatives keep giving her things or paying for anything for her, then that is only reinforcing to her that her thoughts and behavior that are negative are okay. People don't learn if their bad behavior is continually rewarded. That is obviously the way that she is thinking now.

Please don't be afraid to show her "tough love" because if you don't, and others keep on providing for her without really giving her the opportunity to have to provide for herself, then things are not going to change.

Birds don't learn how to fly if they stay in the nest of comfort.

[sd1025]

I know that mo all too well, and its so impractical I tried living on the fringe, until my younger sister moved in with me then I got a job to take care of us, don't give he anything if she really doesn't want to be part of corporate america tell her not to spend money becous then she's just a corporate tool.

[sd1025]

My puncuation is bad, what I meant was if she wants to rant at her mother about how there sell outs or what have you a counter argument is she should not be buying gifts for friends becous that fuels the corporate world she claims to want no part of , and as for myself I acted similarly several years ago but it was a cover for being afraid of joining the work force and having responsibiltys.

[N0help4u]

Let her boyfriend support her. Don't get on her about finding a particular type of job.
Approach it more like getting her to think what does she want to do with her life?
But don't even say it in that way. Ask her questions like if corporate America is so bad what
Do you think is a constructive, productive type career?

Also, I wouldn't pay any of her bills-cell phone, car insurance, nothing,. and if she asks remind her that she criticizes everything she does for you... if she ever wants to move back with family tell her to join the Peace Corp or something.

[lacuran8626]

I think if she says something like that she hates all of you, I would just say, "honey, why do you hate us?" If she says it's because you're all part of corporate America, ask her, "what do you think we should do to support ourselves that would meet with your approval?" Then listen to her and say, "well, we'll give that some thought but would you please, in the meantime, try to focus on the good things about us? We don't approve of everythign you do either, but there's a lot about you we love, and I'd rather focus on that."

Stop giving her advice unless she asks for it.

No more gifts and talk to the granparents. Ask them to take the car and phone away from her until she can show that she is making an effort to be independent, and can show appropriate appreciation and respect for the hard work that she currently is making fun of.

She may have a mental health issue, which is another deal. If that is a possibility, talk to a professional about what you can do to get her help. She may hate you for it, but it sounds like she hates you anyway, and if she gets well, you'll have a chance to mend fences later when she makes some sense.

Perhaps she hears only criticism from the advice -- not helpfulness but disapproval. Are you excessive? Is it all you talk to her about?