[roxann250]

My mother this chirstmas announced that she was going to give me permission to marry my boyfriend(we have been together for 2and 1/2 years). I am only 16 and he is 17. We both agree that we should wait. But the idea of being with him seems so nice. Is this the right decision? What are the pros and cons? What about the social life? Does it change? What are the goods things that come out of waiting? I need so manny answer because my mother just wants to get rid of me and get out of her house. Tell me everything you can think of.

Thank you


Shana

[N0help4u]

Often people change as they get older and grow apart and a decision of when and who to marry shouldn't be based on getting out of your parents house. Often girls do just marry the first guy to come along just so they have an escape from parents home. That is sad that your mom wants to be the one to push you into a decision like that. It would be best to wait at least until you are out of school and feel you are ready.
What does his family have to say about the whole thing?

[roxann250]

His family is fine with the while getting married thing. They will sign tha papers at any moment

[N0help4u]

Okay, have they -your parents and his parents -got a plan on where and how you will live together, income etc..

[roxann250]

No, because I want to wait. I personally can't support myself and I don't to be in a sitauation where we would both have to have jobs and go to school and save for college. I would rather wait. My mother really could careless with we got married or where I lived if I wanted to get married

[ISneezeFunny]

To be honest, it sounds like a bad idea. Are you two going to the same college? If you guys are going to different colleges, chances are (don't kill me on this), you guys will get along with different groups of friends, different people, and meet different people.

9 times out of 10... I have found, that long distance relationships, no matter how close, just doesn't work after a year.

[N0help4u]

No, because i want to wait. I personally can't support myself and i dont to be in a sitauation where we would both have to have jobs and go to school and save for college. I would rather wait. My mother really could careless with we got married or where i lived if i wanted to get married

What I figured. Your mom isn't concerned about if you had to live on the street with nowhere to go. Point that out sometime when she is pressuring you. Tell her what do you expect me to do get married and live on the street? Don't you think it is important that we are able to support ourselves when we get married? Even though she could care less it might make her feel like a heel.

[roxann250]

I really do appreciate this so much. Do you believe after high school is a better deal to get married. I am getting my CNA before I get married. We will be more finaicaly stable? Is that OK?

[N0help4u]

Bottom line is I wouldn't get married until I felt ready. You are being level headed about it. Keep following your conscience.
Maybe tell your mom that you can live on the street as easily without getting married as you can getting married if that is what she really wants for you.

[roxann250]

Thank you so much

[talaniman]

It sounds as if your plan is very mature and pretty wel thought out. Yes wait ,and give yourself a chance to grow and plan, and do this right for both of you. There really is no hurry.

[George_1950]

16 is too young to marry. Wait until you have a job, have a checking account, file a tax return, establish good credit, and buy a car.

[Dana2007]

If your own mother who gave you birth doesn't want to care and support you anymore, what makes you or your mom or anyone else think that some guy wants that responsibility?

Do what you can to be able to take care and support yourself. What if your husbands meets another woman or dies? Will you be able to support yourself?

A lot of guys don't like to support women for free. A lot of times if they do ,they become controlling, abusive and even violent. If you depend on some guy's salary, it is likely that he will make you his property and you will not be able to leave the house or have family or friends in your life. Is that what your mom wants for you?

Does your mom want you to get pregnant at such an early age?

Doesn't your mom want a better life for you by letting you stay at home so you can go to a 4 year college?

Take out a loan so you can go to a 4 year college and be able to have financial support even if you do get married someday.

Will you be able to support yourself 100 percent if you have to get out of the marriage for some reason or will you have to stay in it because you have nowhere to go? What if your husband cheats or beats you? These are things that can easily go wrong in a marriage especially in a marriage where the guy supports you financially? Do you want to have to stay in a bad marriage just because you have no where to go and because you can't support yourself? What if your husband throws you out also? What are you going to do then?

Look into getting a loan for a 4 year college so you can make enough money to support yourself and maybe even a baby if you get pregnant.

If you get pregnant, it is really going to complicate your life even more. You will need a lot more money just to pay someone to look after your baby? Even abortions aren't free nor cheap.

The chances of a marriage failing for couples getting married this young are very high.

[LearningAsIGo]

Shana,
You sound like a very intelligent person and I'm sure you'll eventually make the right decision. I have a bit more life experience than you, so I'd like to offer my $.02.

I am only 16 and he is 17. We both agree that we should wait. But the idea of being with him seems so nice. Is this the right decision? What are the pros and cons? What about the social life? Does it change? What are the goods things that come out of waiting? Tell me everything you can think of.

You are both too young. As time goes on, you with both change dramatically. The changes (maturity) will be much easier to navigate as a couple if you are not married. Personally, I believe its best to develop as an individual before you are fully able to commit to a partner. I've been with my husband 9 years (since I was 19) and we just got married 6 months ago... why? Because even though we were a couple, I needed to feel independent for a while. I wanted to graduate college, get a good job and THEN marry him. We both met our other goals, then settled down. Basically, we set ourselves up as comfortably as possible before making a lifelong commitment.
At almost any age, once you marry, your social life will change dramatically. At your age, this would be especially true since none of your friends would have similar lifestyles. My sister and brother-in-law got married when they were 18. Now, they've been married 11 years and have 3 kids... and they are 29 & 30 years old. On the other hand, I'm 29 and a newlywed! I won't bore you with details, but their life together is a struggle. Friends left them, neither went to college and they struggle to pay bills.
That doesn't mean anyone married young will struggle, but it HELPS to establish yourself first... before making such a serious commitment. My SIL often tell me she should have waited to get married and have kids.

If you two will marry one day... there is no reason to rush into it. Try to enjoy your youth and you will both blossom and grow with time. The added stress of marriage could cause problems this early in your lives.

Good luck to you both.

[peggyhill]

You sound like you are very mature and smart to know that getting married isn't right for you at this time. It's sad that your mother cares more about having her house to herself than for your best interest. But, I think you are making a very wise decision by waiting.

You will know when you are ready to marry. If you ever have any doubts about it, then it just isn't the right time. Marriage should be something both people do because they love each other and want to commit forever, and it's sad you mom is trying to use it as a way to push you out the door.

I think it's awesome that you want to go to school before you get married. You will be independent and have a career and that is great. Then, when you are ready to marry, you and you partner will be more financially stable also. Good for you!

[talaniman]

1-Enjoy getting to know each other, and see if you grow together
2-Learn about each other, and yourselves, as we change as we get older, and see if your truly compatible, as you are maturing.
3-See if you have the same long term goals, and if your on the same page as to how to achieve them.
4-Talk about what type of life you want, and how to raise the kids.

Know you can't live off love, and have to work hard, to get where you want to be.

[roxann250]

For some extra information I would be living in his house if we got married. We are both not ready to support each other. Dana2007. I loved your response and I never thought of it that way. Thank you. We are both not ready to support each other but when we are both out of college we are going to move out. Is that all right?

[talaniman]

Does that mean with his parents? If so I would wait on that too.

[s_cianci]

I believe the two of you are way too young for marriage. At your ages you aren't even finished high school yet and certainly don't have the marketable skills necessary to earn a sustainable living. Minimum wage isn't going to cut it when you have to totally support yourselves and whatever children you may have.

[worthbeads]

Personally, I would think it would be awkward. Would you be able to live in the same house or would you stay at your parents' house?