[aboleth]

Hello,

Well, as the subject implies, my wife is leaving me. I don't know what to do at this point. I love her to death, and am not ready to give up on the relationship. I take marriage seriously, and would like to work through the hard times...

Let me set you up with a little information...

We got married a bit over a year ago after a long period of dating. Sometime last February I made a huge mistake and told her I didn't love her. Things weren't so exciting anymore, and I was feeling really confused. I mistaked my confusion for not loving her anymore.

Needless to say, I devistated her. She had no idea I was going to say something like this. I broke her trust in our relationship. I have tried to apologize and show her that I care, but nothing seemed to work.

It wasn't long before she was back talking to her ex boyfriend, and other guys, including my friends. She would insist that it was only to talk, and I actually do still believe her about that. But I know she wanted male attention, and this is probably because during this time I don't think I was doing enough to show it.

This July she dropped the bomb on me. We were at a friends house, someone she had been talking to online a lot. They always got along, and were mutual friends... I never had a problem with this. That night we got into an argument, and she told me she wanted me to go (we were at his house). She also told me she was considering a sexual encounter with him. He, however, is not on board and has since stopped talking to her (he's a REAL friend).

At this point, I became very scared and jealous. I didn't want her talking to guys. I started asking where she was all the time. I became that jealous guy that no one wants to be with. One day, she snuck out with another guy... called into work and didn't let me know. I found out, and although I do not believe there was ever anything physical between them, I felt cheated on emotionally. I kicked her out that day.

I don't believe it was a mistake to kcik her out, but I do feel as if we still love each other very much. We were talking for a while, and at some points she would want it back, and at some points I would. It was a classic case of us both wanting what we couldn't have.

Now, less than a week after she is still telling me she loves me, and us still having sex, she went out with another guy she met on Facebook. She's telling me it's over and she's never coming back. It's very sad because I have been working towards reconsiling, and my heart is still in this. She has told me that she went to a basketball game with him, and there was no sex or kissing, they just had common interests and wanted to hang out.

I know the truth is this will probably result in a relationship between them unless I act fast and get her back. I've tried all the WRONG THINGS, like begging, telling her how much I care, calling her too much.. etc... she's just annoyed with it all. She doesn't want to hear it. I can't say I blame her... it's all pretty pathetic.

Now, as hard as it may seem, I've started to just not contact her... This is incredibly hard for me, especially when I KNOW I want her back. I don't want to send her the wrong message or let this relationship evolve with someone else (although it's a bounceback and those almost never work). I'm going to work on myself, exercise, find a new hobby, and hang out with friends. Having her come over "as friends" (this is what she wants) is too hard, I can't be in the same room with the woman I love and isn't loving me back.

Is it a hopeless situation here? This isn't my girlfriend, this is my wife! Is no contact the way to go? I figure at least if she never does call, I can spend this time not torturing myself by wondering what she's up to or calling her...

I really really hope she calls... I'll let it go to voicemail, and I'll give it some time before I call back, but what should I do when she does?

Thanks so much, and any advice is appreciated.

[Wondergirl]

She's your wife. You're her husband. Get into couples counseling immediately!

[aboleth]

She's not having that... I would love to. She telling me it's over and she doesn't have it in her to try... I'm hoping some time of no contact helps this... I would LOVE to get us both in to talk to someone.

Thanks for your reply.

[Wondergirl]

Then YOU go. Get some real-life help for this. She's been with you for 7 years. Your saying you don't love her any longer is not excuse for her to be out and about with other men. Marriage is a commitment. She agreed to that commitment after six years with you. Did she just need a flimsy excuse to jump the traces?

[little firefly]

Yes, I would try no contact. I know that's a hard thing to do but maybe she just needs some time to think things over and figure out what it is that she wants. In the meantime, if you keep N/C you won't be torturing yourself with trying to find out what it is that she's doing and you can focus on yourself and what it is that you want out of your life. If and when she does call, don't sound desperate to get her back when you talk to her. Just be casual and let things happen naturally.

Good luck to you.

[stonewilder]

Humm... big mistake telling your wife you don't love her, I guess you know that now. Like you said this is not your girlfriend, it is your wife so forget the games. If you love her, if you want her back you are going to have to fight for her. NC in this case is just a stupid idea, you need to keep communication open with her. Set up a dinner date with her and tell her you were stupid to have ever said you didn't love her and how you understand how much that must have hurt her (you do understand?). Then tell her how much you do love her and all the reasons you love her. When she talks, when she is telling you how she feels don't just hear what she is saying but listen. Communication is the number one tool in resolving this ( if it can be resolved) and the best way to show her that you love her and want to work on making the marriage work is through your actions. She may not want to come back to you right away but if you can control your jealousy and reestablish communication she may be willing to at least give you the chance to proof that you love her. You may have to woo her back but it needs to come from your heart and there is no guarantee that your heart won't be broken. No games though OK? If she wants NC let her tell you that. Other wise she is out looking for someone who will love her. Trust me I made that mistake with my husband and now he is in a two year relationship that could have been avoided if I had not been such a hard head.

[aboleth]

Well, I don't want to play games. I'm just looking for a strategy that will at least get her to the point where she'd consider counseling, or talking about getting together. We did a bit of couceling before... I don't think we really liked the couselor.

I have expressed to here about everything I can. I'm also trying to be non confrontational. I've certainly told her many many times that I didn't mean what I said. Last night she came over and we talked. I was kind of emotional and she seemed disgusted with me because of it. I've told her the following:

1. I've apologized for the horrible thing I said in Feb.
2. I've agreed to compromise, and let the jealousy go... forgive her for any of this other guy stuff (if she had intimacy with them I think it would be different)
3. I've told her that I want to be better, and I want to change for the better. (for myself and for everyone else around me, including her)
4. I've asked for counseling.
5. I've tried to talk about some of the things that have gotten us to where we are, and how I want to help fix these problems.

She seems very disgusted with the whole "I'm gonna fight for this" thing. That's why I'm trying no contact, at least until she isn't so mad and disgusted about everything.

She did come over this morning, unannounced... She wanted to bring me a christmas gift and hang out for a bit. I told her that I was having a very hard time having her around when I know I can't have her. I know she wasn't happy to hear this... she wants to still be friends. I did tell her she can call me if she wants to talk about "us", and that right now things were just too hard knowing she went to see this other person (who she claims is just a friend). I gave her my gift, and she gave me hers. I said goodbye. I wasn't trying to be mean but it wasn't a heartfelt goodbye. I found myself obsessing over stupid stuff, checking her myspace and Facebook... it was so hard seeing messages from the guys she's been talking with. So I removed myself as a friend from her on those websites. I texted her with the following

"I didn't remove you from myspace or facebook because I am mad. I did it because it's very hard for me to see whats going on in your life right now"

I do desperately want to save my marriage, and I feel like right now she isn't willing to try at all. Is it a mistake to have done these things? I definitely want her to know that I care very much, but I think right now she's just disgusted by it... I'm hoping some time without communication will help. I already kind of broke the no communication by texting her, but I'm going to stick to my guns and give it awhile unless someone has a better idea.


To anyone reading this... Don't ever ever ever say dumb things to make your girl doubt your relationship.

Some words can echo into the future forever, and no matter what you do, you can still hear them in the background.

Don't say those words.

Anyhow, I'm so glad you all have replied so far. I have great friends and family, and they have been calling me and supporting me. It's still theraputic to get advice from others such as yourselves. I'll keep this updated, and please, continue to send me advice.

Thanks,

Nick

[little firefly]

This isn't a high school fling, it's a marriage

Yes, I definitely agree, it isn't a high school fling, but sometimes couples need to take time apart to figure out where they want their marriage to go.

I was married for 15 years and after 9 years of marriage my husband felt that he didn't know if he loved me anymore. I made the decision to move out of our home and be by myself to let my husband sort out his feelings and for me to sort out mine too. We went for a month of N/C before I decided to call him. We were able to meet for a really nice talk and decided to give things another try. Unfortunately we only lasted 6 more years (totally separate issues, and we are now the best of friends) but the time away without contact helped us to appreciate each other more and we each spent that time focusing on what we could do to improve our relationship. Sometimes trying too hard to fix a situation will only push the other person farther away.

[aboleth]

I see both points here... either way it's a bit confusing. Could the best strategy be to maintain some contact, but keep moving on with my life in terms of self improvement? Don't be a blubbering idiot about the whole things when she comes to see me and perhaps just talk about other stuff and try to have a good time? Show her that I can be the man she wants again?

I don't know... I wish there was a garuntee about these things...

[Wondergirl]

Be interesting and work on yourself meanwhile (counseling?) and be busy and involved with work and people. Read books, volunteer somewhere, do crossword puzzles, work on a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle, take up a new hobby.

[little firefly]

What you could do is tell her that you want to give her the time and space that she may need. Tell her that you don't want to push her, but you want to keep the lines of communication open for whenever she is ready to talk things out.

Unfortunately everyone's situations are different and unique. There is no cure all for every relationship. All we can do here is give our opinions and leave it up to you to decide what the best course of action will be for you, and your particular situation.

I do wish you the best of luck. I know how stressful this sort of thing is.

[aboleth]

Thanks so much. I think part of what I don't like about no contact is it preys a bit on the other persons insecurities... It does kind of seem like a game. If it works, I'm there, but in my own heart I'd like to keep communication open. I'll just have to be good about not pestering her about it.

She told me no after 3 weeks of me wanting this back, and I wasn't shoving it down her throat, but I was making it clear. It seems like what I was doing just wasn't working. She was at least still hanging out during this time.

I think one of the major things is I was still getting mad about the other guys and bringing up stuff about it. I think she wants a big show of faith from me, some sort of garuntee that she's not coming home to the same situation.

In the end, I know I can't just be friends with her. She's my wife. I made a promise in front of hundreds of people, a judge, and all of our friends and family. I want to be her friend as a husband. Just being her friend will kill me...

It seems kind of "all or nothing", but it's just emotional torture to be friends with someone who you love and is rejecting you. I guess I don't know when or how to give up. I know I'm not ready to yet.

If I do give up, and it's a sad thought, I'll stop communicating. For now I'll focus on positive communication and try to keep my jealousy and hurt inside. I can only hope that she can at least give me the chance to see a couples counselor. I don't know if it will help, but at least it would be a step in a positive direction.

[Wondergirl]

I can only hope that she can at least give me the chance to see a couples counselor. I don't know if it will help, but at least it would be a step in a positive direction.

YOU go to a couples counselor. She doesn't have to give you permission. The counselor may, along the way, ask her to come to one or more sessions. She can say yes or no. That will tell you something. At least, with counseling, you will be getting your head on straight for whatever happens with your marriage.

[aboleth]

Sounds like good advice to me. I will go either way.

[stonewilder]

What you could do is tell her that you want to give her the time and space that she may need. Tell her that you don't want to push her, but you want to keep the lines of communication open for whenever she is ready to talk things out.

Unfortunately everyones situations are different and unique. There is no cure all for every relationship. All we can do here is give our opinions and leave it up to you to decide what the best course of action will be for you, and your particular situation.

I do wish you the best of luck. I know how stressful this sort of thing is.

Now that is some excellent advice!

[sully123]

Hello,

Well, as the subject implies, my wife is leaving me. I don't know what to do at this point. I love her to death, and am not ready to give up on the relationship. I take marriage seriously, and would like to work through the hard times...

Let me set you up with a little information....

We got married a bit over a year ago after a long period of dating. Sometime last february I made a huge mistake and told her I didnt love her. Things weren't so exciting anymore, and I was feeling really confused. I mistaked my confusion for not loving her anymore.

Needless to say, I devistated her. She had no idea I was going to say something like this. I broke her trust in our relationship. I have tried to apologize and show her that I care, but nothing seemed to work.

It wasn't long before she was back talking to her ex boyfriend, and other guys, including my friends. She would insist that it was only to talk, and I actually do still believe her about that. But I know she wanted male attention, and this is probably because during this time I don't think I was doing enough to show it.

This July she dropped the bomb on me. We were at a friends house, someone she had been talking to online alot. They always got along, and were mutual friends... I never had a problem with this. That night we got into an argument, and she told me she wanted me to go (we were at his house). She also told me she was considering a sexual encounter with him. He, however, is not on board and has since stopped talking to her (he's a REAL friend).

At this point, I became very scared and jealous. I didn't want her talking to guys. I started asking where she was all the time. I became that jealous guy that no one wants to be with. One day, she snuck out with another guy... called into work and didnt let me know. I found out, and although I do not believe there was ever anything physical between them, I felt cheated on emotionally. I kicked her out that day.

I don't believe it was a mistake to kcik her out, but I do feel as if we still love eachother very much. We were talking for a while, and at some points she would want it back, and at some points I would. It was a classic case of us both wanting what we couldn't have.

Now, less than a week after she is still telling me she loves me, and us still having sex, she went out with another guy she met on facebook. She's telling me it's over and she's never coming back. It's very sad because I have been working towards reconsiling, and my heart is still in this. She has told me that she went to a basketball game with him, and there was no sex or kissing, they just had common interests and wanted to hang out.

I know the truth is this will probably result in a relationship between them unless I act fast and get her back. I've tried all the WRONG THINGS, like beggin, telling her how much I care, calling her too much.. etc... she's just annoyed with it all. She doesn't want to hear it. I can't say I blame her... it's all pretty pathetic.

Now, as hard as it may seem, I've started to just not contact her... This is incredibly hard for me, especially when I KNOW I want her back. I don't want to send her the wrong message or let this relationship evolve with someone else (although it's a bounceback and those almost never work). I'm going to work on myself, exercise, find a new hobby, and hang out with friends. Having her come over "as friends" (this is what she wants) is too hard, I can't be in the same room with the woman I love and isn't loving me back.

Is it a hopeless situation here? This isn't my girlfriend, this is my wife! Is no contact the way to go? I figure at least if she never does call, I can spend this time not torturing myself by wondering what she's up to or calling her...

I really really hope she calls... I'll let it go to voicemail, and I'll give it some time before I call back, but what should I do when she does?

Thanks so much, and any advice is appreciated.

My heart goes out to you. Yes you were wrong telling her you don't love her, but what made you get to that point? Do you really love her or you just don't want to be alone? Seven years is quite along time to be with someone. But she was wrong too jumping to someone else. She might have been devastated when you told her you didn't think you love her, but that gives her no right to go to another person. I would really think this out right now. Does she really love you then to call her ex boyfriend..

[ISneezeFunny]

Word of advice... on the puzzle. I did the 3000 piece puzzle. After 4 days of the puzzle, I realized... I kept thinking about her WHILE doing the puzzle. So... yeah. Watch tv/a movie while puzzling.

[talaniman]

How old are you two? After 7 years, it would seem the communications would be better.

[s_cianci]

Sit down and have one last face-to-face heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her what you've said here, that you really want to make things work, you want to be with her and nobody else and you want her to be with you and nobody else. Assure her that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make thing work out. But also emphasize that it's a now-or-never proposition ; you're not going to wait around forever while she strings you along and keeps you teetering on the edge. Then the ball's in her court and if she won't come around, then you know it's over and time to get on with your own life.

[George_1950]

Start six months of No Contact. On June 25, reassess your feeling for her. I doubt that you can face her without getting on your knees; none of the other guys are doing that, are they?