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talaniman · Dec 25, 2007, 12:56 PM

Glad to explain, Think about what you do, and why you do it, before you do it. Then you will find no need for secrets, or sneaking around. That simple. And if your having a problem in your relationship, you have to express those feelings and work on them. That's what its all about. If your not willing to talk and listen to each other what's the point? But then if your relationship isn't healthy in the first place, the chances for being happy and fulfilled, and loyal, is remote.

talaniman · Dec 25, 2007, 01:09 PM

life1973happened, I disagree with you. If telling the other person brings nothing but more pain, but helps slightly relieves your guilt, is not cheating.
Then why do it in the first place? Simple, don't do what makes you feel guilty.
In fact the two have nothing to do with one another.
Why,engage in something that may lead to guilt and shame and hurt for your partner>> Explain that to me please.
In an ideal world spouses, and people in relationships, wouldn't need to keep certain things from one another but if all it does, by sharing, is cause a great deal of pain, what is gained exactly? But talaniman how is not sharing everything with a loved one considered cheating?
I don't know what type of relationship your talking about, but my marriage is built on being straight and honest with each other, what are you talking about ideal world??
I'm not trying to encourage those in relationships to keep a bunch of secrets from one another but what I'm talking about is much different and most certainly not cheating!
What are you talking about?? If you don't give a stranger head, you have nothing to be guilty of.

PS. Just using an example and not saying that's what happened, so don't get excited.

life1973happened · Dec 25, 2007, 02:57 PM

talaniman.. I'm not sure why or how our answers got intertwined but to answer your direct question I can do. You asked why there is a need for secrets in the first place. Quite simply because we are all human and each and everyone us are human. We make mistakes. My argue is simply this. If all that is gained by revealinf certain lies that all the outcome can be is pain, then it's my belief it should be kept to oneself.

I agree with you that relationships, all relationships should be like yours. However, you are the lucky and rare few. I don't think anybody on here strives or even tries to hurt another by cheating, lying, or anything else that might hurt another. But we were not built to be so perfect. This however, should not be used as an excuse at all.

In this this persons case I do not it's wrong. We don't disagree with that, it looks as if nobody does. But what is gained by sharing what she has done with the other? The relationship as she states was already on the rocks. Is if she has any chance of saving it, if that's her desire, she needs to deal with the real problem, the root of the problem. Not add to it, that part of the damage is done.

It is my belief if she shares this news, human nature, would be to focus on this problem and this other person. You are fooling yourself if you think it wouldn't be. The real problem that got them to this place will go ignored and from the day she shares this news, and the day going forward it will always come back to the fact that she was passionate with another person. All of this is human nature I firmly believe that.

Solve the root of the problem, or walk away but don't continue to go down this pass as an excuse because you and your partner are on the rocks. It does nobody any good. Look for the ideal relationship, for both of you. It obviously exists. It exists with talaniman and many other readers on here.

talaniman · Dec 25, 2007, 03:13 PM

We agree that getting to the root problem is the best way to go, and it really complicates everything, when you heap more problems on top of problems. We as humans are far from perfect, but we try and stay out of our own way, and that takes a lot of hard work, as anyone wth good stable relationships can tell you. Those that make excuses for bad behaviour, usually pay with heavy consequences.

talaniman · Dec 25, 2007, 03:26 PM

I agree with you that relationships, all relationships should be like yours. However, you are the lucky and rare few. I don't think anybody on here strives or even tries to hurt another by cheating, lying, or anything else that might hurt another. But we were not built to be so perfect. This however, should not be used as an excuse at all.

I use my own as an example, but my point is if you expect to be happy, then expect to do the work required, and there are many who are just that, happy, they just don't appear here for all to see. And know also, an excuse is a reason for failure, and unacceptable. By the same token, happy marriages fail all the time, for a variety of reasons so really there is no right or wrong, just personal choice.

All4Noah · Dec 25, 2007, 07:39 PM

Thank you everyone for your imput thus far! Never in my life would I have thought that I would have found myself in the situation I WAS in with the other man!

Here's more of my story... My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 3 year old together. To me our marriage started failing about 2 1/2 years ago... or at least that's when I was not in denile about it. Don't get me wrong I love my husband, but loving someone isn't enough. We did counseling (3 days a week!! ) about 2 years ago for about 6 months. Didn't seem to make an improvement, but I was starting to feel a little bit better since I was getting things off my chest. I'm all for doing more counseling, however, I'm just so un-happy at this point that I would rather just walk away from it and not fight any more!! AND WE DO THAT A LOT!! At least 3 MAJOR fights a WEEK! I'm planning on leaving him after the 1st of the year just so I can see if all our relationship needs is some space. (Now, mind you... we knew each other for 3 months... KNEW EACH OTHER... prior to getting married)... I know that my marriage being on the rocks is no excuse for my behavior... to my credit though... the extra realtioship only lasted 13 days and we only meet 4 times in that time and only had "realations" twice. I cut it off because I really want to fix what I can in this marriage if I can, and if I can't then I want to walk away knowing that I did my best.
Please keep the advice coming! Thank you all for your time!

talaniman · Dec 26, 2007, 08:42 AM

(Now, mind you... we knew each other for 3 months... KNEW EACH OTHER... prior to getting married)... I know that my marriage being on the rocks is no excuse for my behavior...

THREE months, and you got married, no wonder your having problems. You sure didn't give yourself a chance to know each other, and its still no excuse for your behaviour.

All4Noah · Dec 26, 2007, 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

THREE months, and you got married, no wonder your having problems. You sure didn't give yourself a chance to know each other, and its still no excuse for your behaviour.

I never said it was an excuse for what I've done. It happened, it's never happened before, and I'm not planning on letting it happen again!

inthebox · Dec 28, 2007, 01:22 AM

All4noah

What do you fight about?

All4Noah · Dec 28, 2007, 07:09 AM

Originally Posted by inthebox

all4noah

what do you fight about?

EVERYTHING! Money, House not being clean, Dinner, Daughter! Everything BIG and Small you fight about it.

inthebox · Dec 28, 2007, 05:51 PM

So it mostly starts with criticism?

Any support or compliments?

Just to let you know - no marriage is perfect, mine certainly isn't. :(

robgun · Jan 8, 2008, 01:28 PM

Yes it is an affair, even conversating with the intent of cheating I think can be considered as being an affair.