[loveyoupeople]

How can you accept a religion where you they say its OK for your husband to get married to other 3?. its is training your husband to cheat..

A woman is emotionaley weaker than the man... ( keep this is mind)
Now lets leave islam and god and everything. Think just as human beings... would a man be OK sharing his wife with another man? Touching her, kissing her, making love to her? ( I'm sure the answer will be no) so how is it OK for a woman to share her husband with another 3? What about jeliousy? Feeling? Is that fair? Is that really religion? Is that really god?

And don't say oh well there are reasons.. such as if the wife can not have a child so its OK to get married to some one else.. again let forget islam and god and evrythign else.. as human.. a wife.. she can't have a child.. she will feel bad for not having the best gifts in life.. and she feels bad because she can't give her husband a child.. feeling conused.. scared.. so what the husband says OK sorry your no good I want to a baby good bye adios? Instead of comferting he and tellign her its OK and maybe look into adoption or whatever..

In islam you tottaly miss the point of why you get married.. you are so driven by relegion and family that you don't stop and think to yourself.. what am I doing? Is thia right? Wrong? Your so much in fear of god burning you.. which he won't ( because god is suppose to be fair and loving and not burns you if you sinned and all)


Bottom line getting married to 4 is wrong what ever the reasons are god or no god islam or no islam.. you can share anything but not a heart.

Any views?

[oneguyinohio]

I think you are mixing religious beliefs against one another. You are making a number of assumptions about the purpose of marriage. It is not just an Islamic practice to have more than one wife. There may be other purposes than what you feel is the right reason to be married. I'm not saying you are wrong that it is the purpose for you, but others do not share that.

If you consider a culture in the South American rainforest, it is normal to have 4 husbands. The purpose is to promote survival in the group. Some of the men are hunter's, other's provide in other ways. It is a system that takes care of older members of the group as well as teaching younger ones how to care for a family. There is a lot of sharing of husbands when the men are forced to be in other areas for extended times... but the system works for them. They do not have the same belief systems, and they do not wear clothing... they do not seem to have the jealousy issues, and seem to be glad to share each other somehow... because it is good for their community and clan in that one may be cooking or helping someone learn medicine... stuff like that...

With the differences, it is important to remember that you do not have to follow those beliefs for yourself, but at the same time, others are entitled to not share the beliefs you practice. What is valued to one may seem ludicrous to another depending on the goals and customs accepted by each group.

[loveyoupeople]

But its not OK sharing.. you know my parents are islam and I lost faith few months ago.. I was brought up in england but been too arab countries.. they stuff they do to their woman is just crazy.. and its not culture its religion to blame for allowing this.. if no 1 is gwttign hurt and they are happy sharing and learning from each other as what you mentioned.. I respect that I not living that life.. but actually getting married to others just for the sake of it or because its allowed.. that's wrong.. I'm saying this because if I like it or not I am arabic and I see these things happen everyday.. and I get so mad.. because it is so unfair... and what makes me more angry is who gets hurt the most are the kids who are involved.. they get so confused and unsure and its such a mess...

[Synnen]

You know... while I completely and totally respect what you're saying--what you're saying is WHY so many Islamic groups are making war on the western world.

With media (such as television and movies and books and magazines) becoming such a worldwide thing, Western culture, ESPECIALLY American culture is getting shown to people worldwide as the "right" way.

This makes the youth of cultures (and like it or not, religion is part of culture) that do not have the same beliefs confused, and question their place in the world and society at large. That makes those people who are unhappy in that culture able to rebel, and those who are happy with the traditions to be angry with those that tempted them away from their culture.

Tolerance means that while you believe that there IS a right and wrong way, you can't and don't force YOUR way on other people--because what's right for you, might not be right for someone else.

No, I don't think I'd be happy if my husband wanted to add another person to our marriage, but that's ME. I have met women who are perfectly happy with polyamory, and with 3-4 people belonging to a long-term committed relationship.

As far as it being fair to the kids--well, kids are going to be confused any time they are exposed to something different from the way they live. It's up to the PARENTS to instill their values and beliefs into a child, and to teach them how to accept that others live differently, and that doesn't make them right, and that the child should follow the rules of their religion/culture/society/whatever until the child is old enough to make their own decisions and accept the consequences of those decisions.

[oneguyinohio]

I think that is a result of a lot of turmoil going on in that religion or culture. You are exposed to alternative views, and have found other things that are more acceptable to you. If every woman there felt the same, and took a stance against it, there would be a lot of trouble, but also a big change. Some are starting to change now, and you can see the struggles that are going on.

I think it is a mixture of doing it because it is expected, and the old way that has been going on so long that it seems to be the right way...

I know that women are getting hurt, and it seems absurd... I do not feel that it is right either, but it is a sign of the struggle between old and new... the laws have not changed to support the new... but given enough turmoil, that will eventually have to be reflected in the laws as the custums change... or the people who are opposed to it in that country will be silenced.

[firmbeliever]

"Marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one." Al-Qur'an (4:3)

"You will never be able to be fair and just among women (wives)... " Qur'an (4:129)

Islam allows a man to have more than one wife,yet it has set conditions,which is that the husband be fair and just with all his wives,and treat them equally.Treating equally is a very difficult task,which is why most muslim men prefer to have one wife and treat them justly than marry four,which is burdensome because financially and emotionally it takes hard work to treat them equally.Also knowing that each one of us has to be answerable after we die for all that we did just or unjust.

Polygyny is not a rule or an order but an exception. Many people are under the misconception that it is compulsory for a Muslim man to have more than one wife.

The reason for multiple wives in Islam was not to satisfy men's desire alone, but for the welfare of the widows and orphans of the wars. During wars, many women are widowed with orphans to look after, and they might prefer to be a co-wife than being alone and helpless.

A woman has a choice of whether she wants to leave her husband or to stay with a co-wife.

Personally(I think I have said this before on another thread),
I would prefer that my husband marries another woman with my knowledge and give her rights as his wife than him going behind my back and cheat with another woman.


One must remember that not all Arabs are muslims and not all muslims are Arabs.
Also one must keep in mind that all muslims are not practising muslims,nor are all muslims practising the exact right rules as per Islam.

I think being a co-wife gives a woman a more dignified position as a member of the husbands family than being a mistress,which makes her neither a part of his family nor give her right to have a say when it comes to family decisions regarding home,kids etc.

And those of you who do not understand the reason for such permission to have more than one wife must understand that Islam is not about just this worldly life,but about preparing for a Hereafter when we will be judged according to our deeds.

Hence by allowing men to marry more than one woman,it sort of closes a door for him from committing adultery (which as we know is quite common).
And also stops a woman from having to worry or depend on an unrelated male or beg for favours in order to survive(not all women have jobs or ways to earn money).

As for the woman who is a first wife,she may have health problems which limits their physical relationship with the husband or stops her from having babies.In such cases the emotional bond with the husband will still exist and a woman might prefer to stay married while letting her husband find a co-wife which lessens the tension she might have of not being able to have babies or physical relationship,but still to love her husband and be by his side in all his happiness and sorrow.

I have known of other women who have searched for another wife for her husband,because she was terminally ill.She had been given a short period and she had kids.She did not wish to leave her kids without someone there to guide and love them as she was doing.In such cases polygyny helps lessen so many worries.

As for a woman to have more than one husband,I think it would be a huge burden for me,to have to share myself emotionally with two men.:eek:

[inthebox]

Firm - thanks for informing us.

To the OP

Like firm states, Is it better to cheat, or have a mistress, or to get divorced and re married multiple times?


I think you can point to Hollywood for your examples also.

[bushg]

Firm, I enjoyed reading your post. Question do women that are the only wives ever look down on the women that have to share their husbands? And does the first wife have a say if the husband is to marry another woman... if she opposes will he not take one or does he have final say?

[BMI]

ALL very good points.

I think the conflict amongst religions is that some tend to comment on them without fully understanding the religion. Most religions have a couple of "rules" or customs that one who knows little about them find strange and even perverse.

As for the American way, well many think that it is the best way and yes it is promoted as being "the way" to children worldwide. So, being Catholic myself, I would need an explanation as to why a religion allows you to marry more than one wife, HOWEVER, it makes sense for them. ALSO, I would require an explanation as to why the predominant Christian America views wars as the work of God, or at least in God's name, thatto me is perverse as well. So really you can bring up a whole bunch of things, not just the Islamic religion.

[firmbeliever]

firm, I enjoyed reading your post. Question do women that are the only wives ever look down on the women that have to share their husbands? And does the first wife have a say if the husband is to marry another woman...if she opposes will he not take one or does he have final say?

Thank you.

About how women look at others who have co-wives.Yes some do look down on women who accept a co-wife,while others praise those who accept even if they themselves would rather not.
I guess such views depend on each individual.

Here is a story about a new muslim you might enjoy reading.
http://www.islamfortoday.com/sakinah.htm

If the husband is a just and loving husband,he will inform his first wife and explain the reasons for his wishes to marry another.
The first wife cannot stop him from marrying if he wants to do it, as the Almighty has given him permission to marry and he is answerable for his choices and not his wife.

The wife could divorce him and marry another if she wishes or she could stay,but all the wives have the right to their own living arrangements and finances to be provided by the husband.The wives do not have to be best friends or even friends,but they could accept each other and make it easier for their husband to build a good life for the whole family.

In the end it is a test for the women and will be rewarded in the end according to how they make their choices in times of difficulty or ease.

[katrina27]

how can you accept a religion where you they say its ok for your husband to get married to other 3?.. its is training your husband to cheat..

a woman is emotionaley weaker than the man... ( keep this is mind)
now lets leave islam and god and everything. think just as human beings... would a man be ok sharing his wife with another man? touching her, kissing her, making love to her? ( im sure the answer will be no) so how is it ok for a woman to share her husband with another 3? what about jeliousy? feeling? is that fair? is that really religion? is that really god?

and dont say oh well there are reasons.. such as if the wife can not have a child so its ok to get married to some one else.. again let 4get islam and god and evrythign else.. as human.. a wife.. she can't have a child.. she will feel bad for not having the best gifts in life.. and she feels bad coz she can't give her husband a child.. feeling conused.. scared.. so what the husband says ok sorry your no good i wanna a baby good bye adios? insted of comferting he and tellign her its ok and maybe look into adoption or whatever..

in islam you tottaly miss the point of why you get married.. you are so driven by relegion and family that you dont stop and think to yourself.. what am I doing? is thia right? wrong? your so much in fear of god burning you.. which he wont ( coz god is supose to be fair and loving and not burns you if you sinned and all)


Bottom line getting married to 4 is wrong what ever the reasons are god or no god islam or no islam.. you can share anything but not a heart.

any views?

I am a christian, I am Irish. I have the right to live by my christian believes. Just as muslim communities have the same right to practice Islam. Who are we to judge. I am married happily to one man. The norm for me and my culture.
It is my understanding that a muslim man can only marry more than one wife if he is able to provide for all the wives. I think this tradition began in Islam at a time when many men were killed at war. There were so many women so the remaining men married. Strange yes to me, but still noble.

[zoombie1991]

Salam my dear brother!
First of all let me tell you that islam is the only religion religion in which restricted polygamy is allowed. In all other religions[/I][/B](including christianity, hinduism, etc) one can have as many wives as he wishes! e.g. solomon had hundreds of wives and similarly krishna also had hundreds of wives. Quran says one can marry 4 women however IF HE CANNOT DO JUSTICE MARR ONLY ONE.
Now let me tell you that in this world the woman population is much more than male population . The reason is that in wars mostly men die similarly many male children die in young age due to illness whereas female child has better mechanism to fight against diseases. U can get proof about this from UNESCO website. In USA alone there were 7.8 million more women than men in 2006. If every man marry only one woman then what will happen to these 7.8 million women? There are three solutions
1 firstly they stay unmarried
2 secondly they become prostitutes
3 thirdly they have illegal sexual relations with OTHER MARRIED MEN
4 finally they marry a man who is already married
Its up to you to decide which option is best

Now you also asked if a man would like his wife make love or in simpler words do sex with other men.Biologically, it is easier for a man to perform his duties as a husband despite having several wives. A woman, in a similar position, having several husbands, will not find it possible to perform her duties as a wife. A woman undergoes several psychological and behavioral changes due to different phases of the menstrual cycle.
MOST IMPORTONTLY-A woman who has more than one husband will have several sexual partners at the same time and has a high chance of acquiring venereal or sexually transmitted diseases which can also be transmitted back to her husband even if all of them have no extra-marital sex. This is not the case in a man having more than one wife, and none of them having extra-marital sex.

[Fr_Chuck]

First, if the muslim members here are offended by this post and see it as an attack, let me know I will delete it, I will not tolorate anyone attacking someone's religion on their own board.

But where does it say that a Christian can only have one wife ( except for Christian leaders) in bibical time many had several wife's, some of the most famous people in the old testement had several wife. And I can not nothing about Christianity that really stops pural marriage, not that I would wish that on anyone.

So we can only reference it form an american or european culture

But I do wonder on the number 4, why not 3 or why not 5

[firmbeliever]

salam my dear brother!
first of all let me tell you that islam is the only religion religion in which restricted polygamy is allowed. In all other religions[/I][/B](including christianity, hinduism, etc) one can have as many wives as he wishes! e.g. solomon had hundreds of wives .....

Assalaam alaikum,

Thank you for your answer.

I would just like to note the fact that Solomon (alaihi salaam) and all other Prophets and messengers of Old times are believers in the same Almighty as us muslims.
You must remember not to discriminate any of the Prophets or messengers for they were all chosen by the Almighty to bring the message to their nations of their times.

Wa alaikum salaam

First, if the muslim members here are offended by this post and see it as an attack, let me know I will delete it, I will not tolorate anyone attacking someones religion on thier own board.

But where does it say that a Christian can only have one wife ( except for Christian leaders) in bibical time many had several wifes, some of the most famous people in the old testement had several wife. And I can not nothing about Christianity that really stops pural marriage, not that I would wish that on anyone.

So we can only reference it form an american or european culture

But I do wonder on the number 4, why not 3 or why not 5

Fr-Chuck,
I am not sure I understood your question right.
Is it you want to know where it says that Christians can have one wife?Is that what you wanted to know?

Regarding the number, that is the number mentioned in the Quran and I don't think any human would really know the reason for it being 4 and not 5 or 3.The Almighty knows the exact reason why.

The Quran mentions that men are allowed two,three or four if the man can deal with all of them justly.But if he thinks he can't deal justly, to marry one one.