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Jessup · Dec 16, 2007, 09:15 AM

So I caught my wife writing emails to a guy at her school, basically propositioning herself to him.
In their last email he said

Oh... here's a question for ya.... you say you "like me allot".... do you feel something or you just looking for a fling??

In which she replied:

We'll see.... I don't like to answer those questions just because it normally goes the other way in which I intended it to go. Much like Christmas, you'll just have to wait and see what you get.

Their emails consisted of flirting, her coming onto him pretty hard. Even saying that he should get a job where she works because there are lots of dark little rooms and she'll have to wear her leathers and bring her knee pads.

I confronted her about this and she broke down crying, said she can't live without me and that she's just under allot of stress, which is true.
Her stress = Custody battle over kids with abusive ex, money like always and her family being on the other side of the US along with her dad being diagnosed with bone cancer. Not to mention she got into a car accident a few minutes after I hung up with her. So when she did show up at the house her face was already swollen and her eyes were black and blue.

That aside she's been apologizing and says that she told him she didn't want anything to do with him a few hours before I found out about this.

I don't know if she's telling the truth or if she's only admitting to what I already know.

She convinced me not to leave just yet but I refuse to look at her, talk to her for more than 5 words, sleep in the same room, or let her touch me in any way.

She's got a flirtatious personality but this goes further than that.

I haven't decided if I'm going to stay or go yet. I'm disgusted with her currently and I keep reading these emails and it pisses me off that much more.

For the question of why I was in her email in the first place, I was looking for an old itinerary from a flight we took last month.

talaniman · Dec 16, 2007, 09:46 AM

I'd be mad as hell, but having said that, I wouldn't go re-reading the emails. That is what keeps already bad feelings going. Give yourself enough time to calm down, and express your hurt feelings in a reasonable way, then let it go. Give her a chance to prove that she knows what she did was wrong, and don't keep throwing this in her face. It will take a lot of time, and working together to put this behind you. This is about you, and how you handle this situation.

mjl · Dec 16, 2007, 11:47 AM

I agree with talaniman on this one. But I also think that cheating doesn't have to be physical either. Maybe you guys should try some marriage counselling.

shygrneyzs · Dec 16, 2007, 01:11 PM

I agree with mjl - cheating is not just physical. One can always blame stress, pressure, anxiety, etc. and so on. But the fact remains of what she did. Now you can forgive her and go forward. The BOTH of you need some counseling.

donf · Dec 17, 2007, 10:50 AM

Jess,
I sympathise with your dilemma. Her flirtatious e-mails may be a statement of how she wants things to be, not necessarily with another. If she is being over burdened with "Issues" stress can help to make you very foolish.

Now that you have identified what she has been doing it is time for you to either trust this young lady or trash your lives together.

At a time when she is being stressed, it is not wise to add to the stress.

Consider please, give your wife a hug instead of the cold shoulder. Let her know that she is still the number one lady in your life. You need to pull closer to her not dig a trench.

Put the anger and fear away. Hold her and tell her that if there is any way for you to lighten the stress on her all she has to do is let you know what she needs,

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2007, 01:40 PM

I agree with the others but want to add that you need to watch for the red flags to make sure she isn't just getting better at hiding things. I know when I was married my ex would try and make it look like he was so honest with me that he would admit to something's and insist that is all he did just to make it look like he didn't do any more than that. Try to put it in the past but watch to make sure she is being honest. Some girls do just flirt for the attention and some are just friendly and seem like they are flirting but she sounds like she did get carried away with it.

You say her excuse for flirting is because she has stress. It might be a good idea to make sure you are there for her emotionally so she doesn't have that for an excuse.

ISneezeFunny · Dec 17, 2007, 01:53 PM

I'm sorry but... stress as an excuse for flirting with others..!

... I don't buy that at all... so you're telling me that I can flirt with other girls because I'm stressed?

donf · Dec 17, 2007, 04:03 PM

Stress while in and of itself isn't a justification (because there is no justification) tells us that the lady in a pressure cooker. Better to be a help to her that more fire under the waterbucket.

bellamountain · Dec 17, 2007, 08:08 PM

Why would stress have a married women talking about sleeping with someone other than her spouse. If she's under so much stress why wouldn't the conversation's be about the things that are going on in her life instead of sleeping with or having a fling with this man. Please... I'm not saying to leave your wife but the only way your getting through this is if you know what made her go there with this guy and work that out.

kp2171 · Dec 17, 2007, 09:35 PM

My wife can be a big flirt.. and I have a temper that could put me in jail for life in the wrong situation...

That said, I really trust my wife... I've seen her flirt in a bar with guys younger than me... in the end they've bought her drinks all night, she's enjoyed the attention, and I get to take her home.

In your case, yes, id be pi$$ed. It might very well be she is just flirting and that is that. I absolutely trust my wife, but if id found the same id be rocked hard.

So... I can't tell you what to do. But as a jealous man who really, really trusts his wife... if she did the same to me, id probably be out the door by the nights end. Willing to talk, but out the door nonetheless...

talaniman · Dec 17, 2007, 10:11 PM

but as a jealous man who really, really trusts his wife... if she did the same to me, id probably be out the door by the nights end. Willing to talk, but out the door nonetheless...

I agree and it would take an awful lot of talking. AN AWFUL LOT.

l99057j · Dec 17, 2007, 11:08 PM

I don't mean to hijack this thread, but it illustrates a point that I find myself making a lot. If you browse through this board and look at situations where the man is cheating or talking about cheating there is absolutely no mercy... dump him, throw him out, call a lawyer, etc. are the comments I read the VAST majority of the time. Even the comments that suggest marriage counseling usually have something like "But in the meantime, maybe he should live somewhere else." But when the roles are reversed, as in this situation, the comments are "try to understand", "try to keep her stress levels down", blah, blah, blah. Could someone please give me an objective reason that we have such a double standard when it comes to these types of issues.

The double standard doesn't end there... if this poor guy were to leave his wife the courts are stacked so unfavorably against men he might very well end up paying this woman alimony. And don't even get me started on if there are kids involved.

I honestly just don't get why the same situation can be viewed so differently depending upon the gender of the offender.

Jessup, it sounds as though you think the marriage is worth saving so counseling is a must. But a prerequisite for counseling is COMPLETE, BRUTAL, honesty. If more than flirtation has happened, she needs to own up to it so the two of you can address the issue. Even if there hasn't been physical contact, I think you can see that her flirtation is an open invitation to problems and that should be a topic of discussion as well. Best of luck.