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    in a state's Avatar
    in a state Posts: 80, Reputation: 12
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    #1

    Dec 13, 2007, 07:17 PM
    Fourth time's a charm?
    Multiple threads merged

    I'll soon be 21.I've only had three boyfriends in my entire life.my first relationship lasted only one month-he left me for his ex girlfriend;the second one-two months or so,he left me because I wouldn't have sex with him(I was a virgin,you see,and was I scared because I wanted it to be special... you know,just like every girl dreams.he knew that but still he wasn't patient... plus we didn't get along that well anyhow,so it doesn't matter now.)
    Then I went to college.and there there was this guy(he's 22) who came up to me and said he liked me and wanted to go out with me.
    He said he had the impression that we are the same.
    He was really sweet and pure and I was flattered,but a bit confused too,because I really wasn't expecting it.I hadn't even noticed him until that day at class.
    But I had a crush on someone else and I didn't find anything special about him at the moment,so I tried to keep it polite and nice and simple ''i'm just not interested in that right now.we can talk and be friends but give me some space''.
    Poor guy,he asked some colleague for my phone number... and whenever he rang I wouldn't answer.I just wasn't interested.and you know how it is,when you want nothing to do with someone and they keep trying to reach you... ooh!those were the days :( after one year,the wheels have turned.
    So anyway,I kept ignoring him or kept minimal contact for almost three months.in the meantime,I got over my crush... he now had a girlfriend so I had to move on.(it hurt a bit.)
    One morning,after I came home from a party,he came up to me on the internet chat.I was a bit drunk-therefore sociable,talkative-so we chatted for some time and I actually had fun.
    So I decided to be more open and continued talking to him for the next few days.and he was actually quite interesting.I finally told him to go out
    We dated for a month,just getting to know each other.I still had my doubts about him.
    Finally we kissed and that was the beginning of a beautiful period in my life.we had fun.his friends liked me,my friends liked him.everything was just natural.
    He was patient.and he was great.I really trusted him... I fell in love with him!! my first love!
    His only problem was that he smokes pot.everyday.I thought that it wouldn't be a problem since he did function very well on all aspects of his life-he didn't ignore his responsibilities.
    After 6 months he broke up with me.he said he realized that it just wasn't the right time for him to have a girlfriend and needed space.but he cares for me cause I am sooo great :rolleyes: I had the worst summer ever.I cried 24/7
    Then he said he wanted to get back together,that he's OK now and misses me
    I hesitated,but I decided to give him a shot.I felt like I couldn't live without him anyway.
    After a month he started ignoring me.I was so angry!he wouldn't listen to me whenever I felt we needed to sort things out so I dumped him.it was hard...
    And when I finally was back on track,he came back saying he loved me and promised to change and stop smoking blabla what didn't he promise? after looong talks on different occasions I gave in.our last month together was really great,I felt even more connected to him than ever.but he didn't respect his promises.he never quit
    Two weeks ago he broke up with me.AGAIN.OVER THE PHONE.for the same reasons-he's not ready.
    So there's no space for me in his life right now.but I want him back.for the 723101447321th time.I know I'm pathetic,everyone says I should let go,he doesn't deserve me or give a rat's about me.but I don't want to hear that.they don't know how I feel about him.I can't even look at my body because I remember his.GOD
    In two days there's a party which I know he's attending.I don't know if I should go.I haven't spoken to him since we broke up... haven't seen him.and I miss him so much,I can't stop crying or thinking about... all this.I NEED him back.my parents and friends are sick of hearing about it.
    It's your turn to support me.somehow.please please do
    mjl's Avatar
    mjl Posts: 486, Reputation: 26
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    #2

    Dec 13, 2007, 07:23 PM
    I think you should move on... after all, how many times did he dump you?! You deserve better than someone who keeps putting you aside every time he needs some "space".

    There is plenty of fish in the sea, and I'm sure you can find one who isn't a drug addict.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #3

    Dec 13, 2007, 07:25 PM
    I'm not really sure I can give you the "support" you seem to be seeking. I agree with your family and friends. He's too wishy-washy to have a successful relationship with. I'd forget him and move on.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Dec 13, 2007, 07:35 PM
    Sorry, this make up, to break up is so... not healthy. You must recognise the obvious, that whatever the attraction, its not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. As emotional as you are now, you'll never see the bad part until you get together yet again, and so on and so on.Take a nice long break, and get over him. Look at your life with fresh eyes.
    jill novac's Avatar
    jill novac Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Dec 13, 2007, 07:40 PM
    What's wrong with you? Obviously low self-esteem.

    Ignore the guy and concentrate on making yourself a better person.
    in a state's Avatar
    in a state Posts: 80, Reputation: 12
    Junior Member
     
    #6

    Dec 13, 2007, 07:48 PM
    What's wrong with me is that I never felt anything for anybody,this was my first serious relationship,my first love.and it's very hard for me to let go
    But anyway I appreciate the feedback and I hope I'll get more.maybe eventually it will get through my thick skull and broken heart
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #7

    Dec 13, 2007, 08:38 PM
    Well.. the bad news and the good news is that you aren't that special.

    Which is my wicked way of saying, honey, you are one of us... we mortals who get burned by a big, big love. Your specific experience is unique... your moments with him are your own... but some of us need to get kicked in the teeth a few times before we buy a clue.

    Yes, its hard to let go. Its supposed to be hard. If it meant nothing, well... itd mean nothing.

    Your first big love lost is an S.O.B. it's a mean devil that keeps at you day and night... you feel alone... worried you aren't ever going to find a love like that again... worried that you might never find love again, period.

    Well... lucky for us unlucky mortals, we don't know the truth. The truth is that there are other loves and there is another day.

    I have loved, as in really, really loved, three women... and a fourth is close enough to throw into the mix. I lost three of them. Married the fourth.

    The more good news without so much bad is that it gets easier... the healing just isn't as fast as wed like. I didn't date seriously for almost two years after my first big love lost. And even when I did start dating and moving on, she was still in my frickin head.

    Well... time really, REALLY can heal. It just sucks knowing you've got to do the time, not knowing what the sentence is going to be.

    So cheer up darlin... look at this as your first step toward happiness that lasts. You'll have other loves, and you'll likely lose some. And each relationship will get you closer to really understanding what you need.

    Some relationships are meant for a time... I honestly believe you can be in a perfect relationship that wasn't "meant" to last... bad timing and all... had one of those myself.

    But I'm a better person for having picked myself up.

    Would it have been nice to not go through a bunch of pain and heartache? Sure. Maybe I would have if id been smarter... or the girls had been nicer... or whatever.

    I'm in a great relationship with a wonderful woman. Married and together almost 10 years now. I thank God that my first love of my life wasn't The love of my life.

    It was a unique love. Nothing ever "matched" it... that doesn't mean nothing was ever better. Each relationship is unique and has its own "bests"...

    So... sorry honey, you are mortal... like the rest of us.

    It'll be OK. I promise... and I don't promise things unless I believe it.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #8

    Dec 14, 2007, 07:54 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by in a state
    agrees: i know i'm mortal :)i never said i believed i was above the rest of the world or anything like that,if that's what you're emplying...i'm just above all the other girls that he's going to see :)).Anyway,thank you very much for giving a damn.hugs
    I do give a damn and if my "mortal" comment sounded condescending, it wasn't meant to be. I like to think I'm cute when I write my noise, and I really, really meant to try to say... you aren't alone. You don't have to bear it alone, cause there are a bunch of us who have been through the muck and the noise.

    Sounded like you took it right, but I didn't want you to think I was at all trying to be condescending... mortal, to me, means you are beautifully human. Even when that sucks rocks.
    in a state's Avatar
    in a state Posts: 80, Reputation: 12
    Junior Member
     
    #9

    Dec 14, 2007, 08:01 PM
    THAT was cute.I was so sad right now.this cheered me up.another day,another hero :)
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #10

    Dec 14, 2007, 09:36 PM
    glad to know the carbon footprint I leave behind makes someone happier.

    look... here's the deal. When I was 21 I had good intentions... I was one of the Good boys! I wasn't a playah... hell, did that term even exist then??

    well, I meant well.

    and still... I found myself with my head stuck up me arse more that not.

    its really not particularly comfortable.

    really.

    so look... it sucks to be you right now. I mean it SUCKS.

    but boys are stoopid until we are at least, like, 27 and change, and even then... its really a short jump from monkeys who throw poo to guys with a job and a clue.

    I meant well... and mostly I was a Victim of Mean Girls Who Cheat and Hurt Nice Boys for Fun... but even then, some of it was just going through the motions to learn what is important and what is just water under the bridge.

    my point... hmmm... need a glass of wine and a moment.

    ah yes! My point is that, well, mostly to keep you company, but also to remind you that you don't need to get it "right" all the time. Just to let it be. If it sucks, OK. It isn't the worst that could happen.

    take your knocks and try again. It IS worth it. I promise. And not just cause I'm drinking. =)

    I man I loved dearly one told me "we are too short lived and too long gone to live our lives mad or frustrated". He was dead two weeks later.

    now... before I send you off to bed with that bad pic in your head cuddling mr fuzzy bear... understand what that really means.

    in time, our hurt shapes us but fades. Our joys mold us into who we want to be. Our desires become more clear. And, if we can just get out of our own ways, we are better for the struggle.

    sucks to be you right now. I've have Been There. I wish I could make you know how much I have been standing where you are. *creepy internet hug*

    took some time to find real peace. Its worth it.

    the bull$hit and the noise and the hurt and the pain... its all worth it. We just never have the patience to wait it out.

    it'll come.

    so breathe in and out and relax. Few "mistakes" are without fixes. Take your time.

    and please... enjoy yourself.

    don't let anyone take that away from you.

    I need more pinot grigio before I offer any more advice. (google it if you don't know) in the meantime, just one foot in front of the other, honey.
    in a state's Avatar
    in a state Posts: 80, Reputation: 12
    Junior Member
     
    #11

    Dec 17, 2007, 01:20 PM
    I can smell booze when I read it :) I'm such a fine young lady
    Oh god oh god it sucks.and I know I'll survive and I hope I'll eventually meet somebody better who will make me feel like the princess I am,etc but just like you said,until I'll get over this and come to my senses I must be patient and it's damn hard.I never ever thought love hurts THIS much.too bad I never played hard to get,I AM hard to get.so I'm inexperienced and this whole thing came like a blow to my head
    I went to the party on Saturday.he smiled at me and I sticked(stuck?poor grammar) out my tongue.had a really short conversation.said he's in a routine,but doing fine.
    He left with a girl.I've heard she's easy.
    His friends asked me over and I joined them.we hanged around the house until 9 a.m
    It's really weird that his friends are so nice and warm and open to me,and he's a-smiling!- block of ice.
    So that morning convinced me that I am pleasant for his entourage and accepted even though I am his ex,theoretically have nothing to do with them anymore.so it really wasn't my fault.I'm nice,he's an idiot
    I don't know,in a way I hope his friends would say something to him,something (good) about me that would make him FEEL something.
    It's really frustrating that I am at his feet I he really doesn't want anything to do with me
    DanieLovesPaul's Avatar
    DanieLovesPaul Posts: 21, Reputation: 5
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    #12

    Dec 17, 2007, 01:30 PM
    If you love him do nothing at al. Ignore him pretend you have moved on. When you do that he will come back, don't let him in. Hell come back again, Don't let him in. Then he will realize how much he needs you and can't be with out you. If you want what you want be tough! Be strong1 It will work out. Go t that party, dress and look good and talk and talk to everyone, except him! When you see him, roll your eyes, a turn your head and let tat be the end of it. If he tries to make an out himself say something cute and coy like- Why don't you go home before you embaress yourself- Oh wait you already did. Talk to your friends. Flirt with a guy even if you don't like him. Your just using him. Make it a loser guy who won't turn you down. Just so you know you can talk to someone. He will become jealous. Where your hair his favorite way and look beautiful, NOT SEXY. Sexy will make him think you're a slut. Guys can be ruthless when they are jealouse!
    DanieLovesPaul's Avatar
    DanieLovesPaul Posts: 21, Reputation: 5
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    #13

    Dec 17, 2007, 01:32 PM
    Also, don't play childish games. Don't stic out your tongue. Be mature sophisticated. Its intrigung. Drives him crazy. Hard to get, but also non chalant. Let it all roll of your shoulder. Don't care. At least appear not to.
    ISneezeFunny's Avatar
    ISneezeFunny Posts: 4,175, Reputation: 821
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    #14

    Dec 17, 2007, 01:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by DanieLovesPaul
    Talk to your friends. Flirt with a guy even if you dont like him. Your just using him. Make it a loser guy who wont turn you down.
    ... I take offense to that... mainly because I may be that guy she flirts with. Why use guys? Don't do that. That's not nice...
    Jiser's Avatar
    Jiser Posts: 1,266, Reputation: 281
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    #15

    Dec 17, 2007, 02:02 PM
    You have had 3 boyfriends?

    I ve had none of those lol!

    Ill tell you what though I ll be 22 in a few months and Ive had only one serious relationship. What you worried about! Its far better to be happy, single, career minded and independent than longing for someone.
    DanieLovesPaul's Avatar
    DanieLovesPaul Posts: 21, Reputation: 5
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    #16

    Dec 17, 2007, 02:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny
    ...i take offense to that...mainly because i may be that guy she flirts with. why use guys? don't do that. that's not nice...
    And you are absolutely right, and that came out in way that it wasn't supposed to. Using a person is a terrible thing. And yes as I read it now I realize what it sounds like. What I should have said was talk to a guy. Not flirt, don't give anybody false hopes ever. It is a painful thing to go through. And I actually do appreciate you bringng that to my attention. But talk to a guy and don't under any circumstances let him think that you are interested in him as anything more then a friend.
    tia10's Avatar
    tia10 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #17

    Dec 17, 2007, 03:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by in a state
    i'll soon be 21.i've only had three boyfriends in my entire life.my first relationship lasted only one month-he left me for his ex girlfriend;the second one-two months or so,he left me because i wouldn't have sex with him(i was a virgin,you see,and was i scared because i wanted it to be special...you know,just like every girl dreams.he knew that but still he wasn't patient...plus we didnt get along that well anyhow,so it doesn't matter now.)
    Then i went to college.and there there was this guy(he's 22) who came up to me and said he liked me and wanted to go out with me.
    he said he had the impression that we are the same.
    he was really sweet and pure and i was flattered,but a bit confused too,because i really wasn't expecting it.i hadn't even noticed him until that day at class.
    but i had a crush on someone else and i didn't find anything special about him at the moment,so i tried to keep it polite and nice and simple ''i'm just not interested in that right now.we can talk and be friends but give me some space''.
    poor guy,he asked some colleague for my phone number...and whenever he rang i wouldn't answer.i just wasn't interested.and you know how it is,when you want nothing to do with someone and they keep trying to reach you...ooh!those were the days :( after one year,the wheels have turned.
    So anyway,i kept ignoring him or kept minimal contact for almost three months.in the meantime,i got over my crush...he now had a girlfriend so i had to move on.(it hurt a bit.)
    one morning,after i came home from a party,he came up to me on the internet chat.i was a bit drunk-therefore sociable,talkative-so we chatted for some time and i actually had fun.
    so i decided to be more open and continued talking to him for the next few days.and he was actually quite interesting.i finally told him to go out
    we dated for a month,just getting to know each other.i still had my doubts about him.
    Finally we kissed and that was the beginning of a beautiful period in my life.we had fun.his friends liked me,my friends liked him.everything was just natural.
    He was patient.and he was great.i really trusted him... i fell in love with him!!!my first love!
    His only problem was that he smokes pot.everyday.i thought that it wouldn't be a problem since he did function very well on all aspects of his life-he didn't ignore his responsibilities.
    After 6 months he broke up with me.he said he realized that it just wasn't the right time for him to have a girlfriend and needed space.but he cares for me cause i am sooo great :rolleyes: i had the worst summer ever.i cried 24/7
    Then he said he wanted to get back together,that he's ok now and misses me
    i hesitated,but i decided to give him a shot.i felt like i couldn't live without him anyway.
    After a month he started ignoring me.i was so angry!he wouldn't listen to me whenever i felt we needed to sort things out so i dumped him.it was hard...
    And when i finally was back on track,he came back saying he loved me and promised to change and stop smoking blabla what didnt he promise?!after looong talks on different occasions i gave in.our last month together was really great,i felt even more connected to him than ever.but he didnt respect his promises.he never quit
    two weeks ago he broke up with me.AGAIN.OVER THE PHONE.for the same reasons-he's not ready.
    so there's no space for me in his life right now.but i want him back.for the 723101447321th time.i know i'm pathetic,everyone says i should let go,he doesn't deserve me or give a rat's about me.but i don't wanna hear that.they don't know how i feel about him.i can't even look at my body because i remember his.GOD
    in two days there's a party which i know he's attending.i don't know if i should go.i haven't spoken to him since we broke up...haven't seen him.and i miss him so much,i can't stop crying or thinking about...all this.i NEED him back.my parents and friends are sick of hearing about it.
    it's your turn to support me.somehow.please please do
    Just forget him your in your 20's your sill young and you can get another man!
    tia10's Avatar
    tia10 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #18

    Dec 17, 2007, 03:38 PM
    Don't worry you will get over him sone and get a new man.
    nicespringgirl's Avatar
    nicespringgirl Posts: 1,237, Reputation: 187
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    #19

    Dec 17, 2007, 08:03 PM
    I'll soon be 21.I've only had three boyfriends in my entire life
    I don't get it why so many young people would be so worrying about it.

    You are still young, when I was 21... doing my senior thesis? Anyway... you will find a lot more important things to do at 21. You need to focus on school, then get a good career! Listen to what your parents tell you!

    Love comes when you are not seeking! Learn from your previous mistakes and after 3 years you look back, you will realize you have chosen the right path, not let anything (unimportant) bring you down.

    There are plenty of fish in the sea, one boy doesn't worth of your tears and don't hang yourself on ONE tree!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #20

    Dec 17, 2007, 09:31 PM

    Give yourself time to heal, and get your old self back, with a few improvements, as you will be healthy, happy, and experienced.

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