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VADawg · Mar 27, 2007, 10:49 PM

Let me tell you the story... I met a girl through a friend of mine around August. She's 17 and I'm 18. We started talking and became friends and grew very close. She always told me how I was so handsome and how she missed me when she was gone, and whatnot. We started dating in December of 2006. I asked her out and she accepted. We grew close and she eventually told me about her past. She was raped and because of this had HPV. She had also done drugs, alcohol, and smoked extensively as a young kid. But when she told me, I had no clue. She was a completely changed person. Of course I accepted it because I was falling for her, and she told me I was the best guy in the world. She was everything I could ask for in a girl... pretty, smart, outgoing, quirky... just the most unique person I'd ever met.

Anyway... Things progressed on and I met her parents and extended family in the upcoming months. They all seemed to like me and my girlfriend seemed to really like introducing me to her family. Unfortunately, her family had its problems. Her parents were divorced and her mother abused drugs and alcohol. Sometimes she'd come home and trash the house and even beat my ex girlfriend up. This was disturbing to me, but luckily she moved in permanently with her dad.

Around the end of February she started seeming a little distant with me. I really didn't think much of it because her school work was getting extensive and she had a lot on her plate at the time. We spoke on the phone every night but I didn't see her that much during our last week together. Eventually, one day she called up and gave me the "It's not you, it's me" speech and said she needed to figure some stuff out right now as a single girl. Apparently there was some problems within her family (sister went to jail, mom was threatening her dad, etc.), college applications were flying everywhere, she had the ACT and SAT to prepare for, AP tests, etc. I told her that I understood and that was it. I immediately went to NC. I haven't talked to her since. I believe it happened on February 25.

I took it really tough the first week. I cried a lot and questioned what happened. If it was something I did, and if her reasons were just BS or not. Eventually I started getting over her but not completely. I still have thoughts of her a lot but not as much as I did.

This past week she was talking to my friend (who initially set us up) and she was asking about me. She asked if I had a new girlfriend, how I was doing, and to tell me she said hi and that she still wants to be friends with me. She also said she felt terrible for breaking up but she had to do it at the time.

I find myself in a dilemma again. I was recovering, but now her questioning about me is giving me hope again (I know I shouldn't build myself up with false hope, but I can't help it). It shows she's thinking about me and probably misses me, which is great. But then again she could just be being nice, but why would she care if I have a new girlfriend or not? Does she want me to give her a buzz to catch up and see what's going on? We didn't end it on bad terms at all.

I need some help from the experts here!

Clough · Mar 28, 2007, 12:49 AM

Sounds like she has some issues of her own that she needs to work out. And, she may need to do this on her own without the work of having to maintain the kind of relationship with you that you would like.

The fact that she said, "It's not you, it's me" seems like she is being honest with you.

Relationships take time, work and maintenance. It can put a lot of pressure on a person. She may just need some space right now to figure out her own set of problems.

At least she asked about you. "She asked if I had a new girlfriend, how I was doing, and to tell me she said hi and that she still wants to be friends with me. She also said she felt terrible for breaking up but she had to do it at the time."

Your hope is not false and it doesn't sound like you should give up on her. Obviously she is not giving up on you. She needs time, has a family and herself to think about also.

Please just give her some time and space. Write her a letter. Send a nice card of understanding her situation. Keep in touch that way. It would show your sincerity and integrity and also the fact that you care about her. Don't be in a rush. The world will not end because of one month without seeing someone. Also, "there are lots of fish in the sea." Keep your options open. You are too young to be closing them on a relationship right now.

I know what it's like to have that feeling in your gut when you really care about someone and want to be with them, and can't. It really hurts! Again, please leave your options open and, for right now, concentrate on the things you need to do to keep YOU going as far as school and learning things and job possibilities in the future. Start to see some other girls. It's okay. Be social and don't get into a rut about this one or any other girl, for that matter, right now. Maybe things will work out and you will get together with her again. Stay in touch with her in the ways that I mentioned above without putting pressure on her.

Thank you for sharing.

Jiser · Mar 28, 2007, 04:20 AM

Its natural to miss something when that familiar intimacy you had is no longer there. Not everyone likes change even if it's a result of their own doing. You have to let go and move on with your own life.

Do not go near the grape vine and do not ask from it or pass on information to it as it will put u in a place you don't want to go. Remember curiosity killed the cat and ignorance is bliss.

Treat this as a life experience and remember those happy memories but learn from them. Do not regret - learn or you come away with nothing. Concentrate on you and your life, your friends, your family, your work, your ambitions, your hobbies, YOU! Ever wanted to really do something but never got around to it? Nows the time to do it. Feel your fear and do it anyway.

After a few months of no contact your head will clear and you will be able to think rationally about your past, present and future. Maybe then you will be able to be friends but don't forget you may be setting yourself up for hurt. I know for allot if not most an ex will allays hold a special place in your 'heart'.

talaniman · Mar 28, 2007, 04:26 AM

If she was that interested she would contact you. Have you noticed that you were getting on better until this last tidbit brought those old feelings back? I'm sure she misses you, but isn't ready for a relationship. I don't think your ready for a friendship with her now either, so keep on with your life for now. Consider this also, you did move pretty fast in 3 months of dating and she was probably was overwhelmed, especially as this was during a heavy holiday time. Give yourself more time to get over her and rethink what happened, and your true feelings.

VADawg · Mar 28, 2007, 07:28 AM

Thanks for the responses. I agree that at the time being it is best to move on and live my life. That's what I've been doing for the past month or so. It's just tough at times because I can't help thinking about the good times we had together.

I think in time I will be able to be a friend, because we were friends longer than the time we were in a relationship. I always had fun with her no matter what. Maybe that's why I miss her so much. She actually doesn't have many friends herself (they moved up here in August), so I could understand why she'd tried and reach out to me and bring our friendship back.

I could understand why she'd feel overwhelmed as well. I look back now and I did call her an awful lot. When she needed to get stuff done I backed off, but not completely, and she had a lot on her plate. A serious relationship just wasn't a priority because of school. Her telling me that she was raped and had HPV took a lot of courage, and she told me I was only the third person who she told (outside of her parents). She obviously trusted me and liked me enough if she told me that. In fact, she was the one that initially wanted to start a relationship.

I do hope in time that I will heal enough for a friendship though. Our families have grown close in that time and I know I will bump into her eventually. We go to the same church and our sisters both play on the same baseball team. She's also going to attend the same college as me in the fall (I'll be a sophomore, she'll be a freshman). So, it's inevitable that I'll see her.

VADawg · Mar 28, 2007, 07:24 PM

I have a new dilemma!

My sister and her sister (they play on the same team) have their first baseball game this Sunday. I'm going to go because I never miss a game, and my ex will be there too. I haven't said a word or seen her since the break up. How do I react if she wants to talk to me? I've just got an odd feeling she will try and hug me too, because she's just a friendly person like that. It'll just be awkward.

I'll probably see her at church on Sunday too. Oh boy this is going to be interesting.

talaniman · Mar 29, 2007, 04:31 AM

Support your sister and be a polite friendly guy who has time to speak, but to busy for a conversation. Same at church.

VADawg · Mar 31, 2007, 11:06 PM

My ex of about a month was the one who broke up with me. Lately she's been asking about me through "messengers", telling them that she still wants to be friends with me, etc... and I have a thread on this already.

I think the problem I have is fully letting go of her because I feel that she is being stubborn and has too much pride or maybe even guilt to make any real contact with me. I know her to be this way, she's always been the type to not chase anyone or admit she did anything wrong. I'm just afraid of completely letting go when maybe she wants to contact me but is to stubborn and full of pride to do it. I have many thoughts of reaching out to her one last time but I always stop myself. There have been dozens of times that I've typed text messages, emails and dialed her number and never had the courage or strength to press the "send" button. I know I have to keep moving and I read on here that the dumper must initiate contact because they are the one that left and we're only respecting their wishes. My fear again is that she has anger and resentment but still loves me and we are both playing this standoff game with each other.

I would hate for me to be here and her to be there, both looking at our phones, checking to see if either of us has broken down to make contact. If it's a game that we're playing how do we know? How do I know if she still cares and loves me? I know you'll say, "If she cares and loves you she'll contact you" well, I care and I love her and here I am doing NC and not contacting her. What do I do? How do I know?

manimuth · Apr 1, 2007, 06:42 AM

VADawg,
I understand how hard this is for you. But, she was not too proud, stubborn, or had any misgivings about dumping you, right? Don't get caught up in the "what if" mentality where you spend your energy pointlessly wondering and guessing and assuming. You deserve someone who loves you more than their own pride. If this is a game, it is a cruel one she is playing: dumping you and then waiting you to break down and go begging back to her. Don't do it!

It is hard to feel like you are standing by doing nothing when you love someone but right now it is not up to you any more. She has made a decision and you must respect it. Be strong.

VADawg · Apr 1, 2007, 04:00 PM

Originally Posted by manimuth

VADawg,
I understand how hard this is for you. But, she was not too proud, stubborn, or had any misgivings about dumping you, right? Don't get caught up in the "what if" mentality where you spend your energy pointlessly wondering and guessing and assuming. You deserve someone who loves you more than their own pride. If this is a game, it is a cruel one she is playing: dumping you and then waiting you to break down and go begging back to her. Don't do it!

It is hard to feel like you are standing by doing nothing when you love someone but right now it is not up to you any more. She has made a decision and you must respect it. Be strong.

I'm definitely trying. It's kind of hard though when I ask my family what they think, and they say that I should call her. Hah. My ex actually did talk to my parents (other thread) and she thought I hated her because I haven't called. This is the reason why I think she isn't calling, because she's afraid I'm really angry with her. But I don't know.

I don't really have the boyfriend/girlfriend feelings for her anymore. I would like to be a friend to her because I know that's what she really wants right now. I honestly wouldn't mind.

I guess I just feel like not calling her will ruin any chance at a friendship. Am I wrong for thinking this?

Jiser · Apr 1, 2007, 04:09 PM

Her off. Don't ever speak to her again and love yourself and be strong for doing it.

manimuth · Apr 1, 2007, 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by VADawg

I don't really have the boyfriend/girlfriend feelings for her anymore. I would like to be a friend to her because I know that's what she really wants right now. I honestly wouldn't mind.

I guess I just feel like not calling her will ruin any chance at a friendship. Am I wrong for thinking this?

VADawg, I just read your post four days ago and you didn't sound like you were over her. Are you sure about what you are saying now?

Whether she loves you or needs you, she is not contacting you for a reason. It sounds like she has way too much going on in her life to be your girlfriend as well. It may be possible that she doesn't want you to be involved in the mess in her life, as well. There is so much going on that is beyond you and her but my advice to you is that you need time.

She may be worried that you are angry with her and you said that you did take it very hard. But, if she wants a friend in you, she will contact you. Right now, you need to heal. Then you can worry about her and being her friend. But, in my humble opinion, you are not ready to be her friend yet.

Hope you find the strength you need to heal.

VADawg · Apr 1, 2007, 06:39 PM

Originally Posted by Jiser

her off. Dont ever speak to her again and love yourself and be strong for doing it.

If only it were that easy.

Originally Posted by manimuth

VADawg, I just read your post four days ago and you didn't sound like you were over her. Are you sure about what you are saying now?

Whether she loves you or needs you, she is not contacting you for a reason. It sounds like she has way too much going on in her life to be your girlfriend as well. It may be possible that she doesn't want you to be involved in the mess in her life, as well. There is so much going on that is beyond you and her but my advice to you is that you need time.

She may be worried that you are angry with her and you said that you did take it very hard. But, if she wants a friend in you, she will contact you. Right now, you need to heal. Then you can worry about her and being her friend. But, in my humble opinion, you are not ready to be her friend yet.

Hope you find the strength you need to heal.

You're probably right. I just keep getting conflicting opinions from everyone I know. Some tell me to call her, and some not. I mean, she is asking about me so that tells me she at least cares.

Some days I feel like I'm completely over her, then other days I fall back into a rut and think about her all day. If she were to ask for me back now I wouldn't accept it. I need someone there for me 100% and not 50%, and I'd make that clear to her. That doesn't mean I don't want to have anything to do with her though.

manimuth · Apr 1, 2007, 06:55 PM

Originally Posted by VADawg

If only it were that easy.

I need someone there for me 100% and not 50%, and I'd make that clear to her. That doesn't mean I don't want to have anything to do with her though.

No one suggested it will be easy. I commend you for seeking advice and caring enough to want to do the right thing.

You have every right to want to have someone who can be there for you. I can hear, from what you're saying, that you really want to be friends with her. That is OK as well but only after you take time to make sure that you are OK. Right now you are confused and hurt. So, take some time to clear your head and get back on track with yourself before you start contacting her to show your friendship.

Matt3046 · Apr 1, 2007, 06:58 PM

Just call her if that's what you want, (I think it is) what do you have to lose.

Ash123 · Apr 1, 2007, 07:01 PM

How long did you all go out?

mckenzie134 · Apr 1, 2007, 07:06 PM

Just call her and tell her what's going on get some balls if she doesn't want anything then youo will know and you can move on and stop assuming...
Easier to move on if you know give it a go...

manimuth · Apr 1, 2007, 07:18 PM

Matt and mckenzie,
I have to disagree with you guys. She has already told him what she wanted. She broke up with him. It is only wise for him to respect that. After being dumped, it is normal to be confused and wondering about the past and the "what if's". But it is a mistake to go calling the person who has made a decision to break up with you. You will only be setting yourself up for more hurt.

He must work through the hurt and hard time to heal himself right now so he can move on. What she is doing behind his back should not be his concern right now. (I actually think she may still care about him but broke up with him because of the mess she is going through.. read his other post. But, this still does not change her decision.)

VADawg, do a search on the "No Contact" rule. Its use and effects are extensively discussed on this site and you might find it helpful.

Matt3046 · Apr 1, 2007, 09:01 PM

Yeah I checked you are probably right, I didn't realize that they are so young. It sound like she has got allot to deal with.

Just remember there are allot of fish in the sea, sometimes you just have to try different bait

VADawg · Apr 7, 2007, 12:37 AM

My ex broke up with me around the end of February (you can find my multiple threads on this in my history). Since then, I've done the no contact and I believe I healed considerably since then. She hasn't called or done anything for a few weeks now.

Unfortunately, I still do see her all the time because we live really close to each other. Her sister is close to my family and gives me updates on her even when I don't ask. I hate that she can't just call on her own. It really shows her immaturity to me. Telling others to tell me she wants to be friends... give me a break. Sometimes I wish I could just delete these last few months from my life and move on. I wish my friend would've never introduced me to her. If I would've never met her I would be so much happier right now. When I was with her my grades dropped, I didn't work as much, I fell for her, etc. Basically, I was only there for HER. I just wish I would have never met her because it all feels so pointless now. What a waste of my time that I could've spent improving myself.

I hate that she keeps giving me messages through other people. I wish she would just go away and leave me alone forever. Sometimes I wish I could just run away from everyone and start over. Just screw it all.

Anyone else ever feel this way?