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punkin3 · Dec 11, 2007, 02:12 PM

You can read my back story in my first post
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...st-160642.html

At the moment, my relationship seems like it is going very well, but because of the issues that I have gone through with her, I am not sure if I should continue the relationship. Just thinking about leaving her is very difficult though. It was said that she is most likely with me because I am an "emotional convenience" for her. I don't want to believe that this is the case, but I sometimes wonder if I am with her for the same reason. She is my first love, and at 19 months going, has been my longest relationship to date. Our chemistry is incredible, physically as well as our personalities. But because of the trust issues that have come up, I have begun to wonder if I am merely with her for the comfort of being with her, and am too blinded by her being my first..

I am very confused about how to feel about the situation, and what to do. Perhaps the best thing for me would be to explore other relationships, with women my own age, but I find it hard to think of leaving her now, now when it seems as though she is committing to having a real relationship..

nicespringgirl · Dec 11, 2007, 02:23 PM

She is my first love, and at 19 months going, has been my longest relationship to date.

And I read your previous post that you stated you are only 22, and she is 18 years old than you.
I can understand that older women often display more confidence than younger women, simply because they have had more dating experiences and know how to hold their own on a date.
In contrast, you are much younger than she is, you had less experience and can be easily fooled. I am not saying she is playing games , it could be that she agreed to date you, it's because of some special quality you displayed.
You are the one knows better than any of us about who she is, but since she is a older women with more dating experience, I would be more cautious and not eliminate that she might be playing games or taking advantage of your naiveness.

inthebox · Dec 11, 2007, 03:17 PM

Sounds like she is playing with you.

You are her safety, she plays the field to see if there is anyone perhaps as good as you physically, emotionally, career wise etc... finds out no, and comes back to string you along.

You are attached to her because of your inexperience - it is easy to confuse the physical for the real thing.

When she told you to see younger women, that are closer to your age, perhaps that she was easing her own guilt for seeing other guys [ closer to her age ?].

When she left her diary out in the open - maybe a subconscious effort to tell you the truth - you should not have read it anyway. There is no trust for her on your part since you have been double checking and snooping on her. That is justified given her history of not only cheating on you but on her ex-husband.

What was her relationship with her ex-husband like? She probably has issues from that that need to be resolved.

This is NOT a "good " relationship for you.

I know it hurts a lot - sorry. I hope just getting all of this out helps you some.

Sorry about being blunt, just my amateur opinion since I know nothing else of you or her.

At 22 you have your whole life in front of you to meet other people. All those potential possibilities - grab them.

enigmagnetic · Dec 11, 2007, 04:31 PM

I think you need to date other people. This kind of inexperience can lead you to do things you don't know will harm you. Time to grow don't you think? Perhaps some real time apart would help. Emotionally she's about 1000 times smarter than you, and will constantly use that to her advantage. Don't be a stepping stone on her larger lake while you exist in a little pond.

talaniman · Dec 11, 2007, 09:07 PM

Hard as it is you must leave her alone, and get out of this cycle your in. Its so unhealthy to be with some one who is using you for her own purpose, but you have to man up and just leave.

punkin3 · Dec 12, 2007, 06:43 AM

It seems like everyone so far is on the same page about what I should do. I thank you for your advice, but it will not be easy for me. I don't feel like I can just jump out of this relationship with her or I will miss her too much and return again to that 'cycle'. I think that maybe I should take a big step back emotionally, and find the right time to talk to her about taking a break and seeing other people. I really wish sometimes that there wasn't anything beyond a friendship with her. What we have shared beyond a friendship has been incredible, and I am happy that I shared it with her. She and I seem like we are meant for each other, made for each other (this could be my naivety), but a friendship-only relationship between us should be just as fulfilling if that is the case. I feel that maybe our physical attraction to each other, coupled with our chemistry, led us down the path we are on now. For now, I will try to feel things out with a clearer head..

talaniman · Dec 12, 2007, 08:17 AM

That is exactly why you got the suggestions you did, as its obvious as long as your in contact with, her you will not see clearly. Also your fear of change and of missing the good parts of this relationship, is working against you to keep you in this place your in now. Don't be bogged down by fear of what if, but I do know how hard it is to do what you must, for yourself.

mafiaangel180 · Dec 12, 2007, 08:43 AM

When I was 20 I was with a 35 yr old. I knew it wasn't the best situation for me... and one night he left. But it was really hard for me to move on. But luckily, I found out that he cheated and had this woman 6 months pregnant. This was it! This was what I needed to move on from someone I felt like I needed. It was actually the best thing he could have done. Listen, she said in her diary that she didn't love you. She cheated on you basically. Please move on. Trust me that there is way better out there, though you might not realize it now. This is the best thing that could have happened. Don't waste another second in this unhealthy relationship. Believe that there is someone out there that will treat you like gold. :)

punkin3 · Dec 12, 2007, 02:07 PM

Okay... major update. She has done something now that has totally blown my mind. She openly told our close mutual friend (who has been kept in the dark about us as well) that she is very much in love with me, and that she believes that I feel the same way about her, and that we are going to begin dating. This is a step that I have wanted her to take for a very long time. She really is showing that she wants to have a public, committed relationship with me. I was overwhelmed when she told me that she did this, asking if I was upset, and I could hear the emotion in her voice at how happy she seemed to be that she had finally been able to be open about 'us' to our friend (who she works with). I know how I feel about this, but I would still like feedback from everyone.

talaniman · Dec 12, 2007, 02:14 PM

It seems she has found a way to keep you around. Did I read this right, begin dating????? Does this solve ALL your concerns?

punkin3 · Dec 13, 2007, 07:23 AM

Do you really not think there is a possibility she is actually being sincere now? She had always felt that there was no future for the two of us because of her issue with our age difference. Other than that age difference, we have not had other problems between us, and the things she has kept from me stem from that age issue she has always had. In complete honesty, I tell you that she is being very different from before in how much she is pushing to make our relationship flourish. Talaniman, the reason we are going to tell our friends that we are "starting to date" is that we don't want to upset them for having kept our relationship secret. We both have talked about this and agree that this would be the best way to bring our relationship into the open. Now that she told our friends that we have feelings for each other, she told me that she is ready to tell them that we are dating within the next couple of weeks. I understand how this may sound to you all, that I am letting myself be led on, but it just does not feel or seem that way based on everything she is doing now.

N0help4u · Dec 13, 2007, 08:01 AM

Get out, get a life, find somebody that won't have you on an emotional yo-yo roller coaster...
And you will be surprised... you will see that your emotions can be as strong or stronger for
Them and you will find it easier to forget about her.

talaniman · Dec 13, 2007, 02:14 PM

Sorry, not to stand in your way, but after rereading your other post, and this one I am sorry, all I see are red flags. It a good thing I'm not always right, as you know the deal way bettern than I do, and experience is the best teacher. Good luck

punkin3 · Dec 14, 2007, 07:32 AM

I don't feel that I can walk away from our relationship right now. I will have to be patient and let her actions speak for her. Talaniman, I am thankful that you are open to the possibility that things are actually going well now. I do understand that I can't convey every detail of what has happened, and as I tend to dwell on the bad when I am distressed, I may have described my situation as having been worse than it was.. I can't say for certain. I will continue my relationship with her, and I am trusting that her feelings for me are as true as they seem to be. I don't want this to be an "I told you so" situation for me later, and I'm sure that no one here wants that for me either. You have helped me very much, and I am thankful for everyone's advice. I will continue to post updates on my situation.