[jeffatl]

This is my first post here, and I am going through hell right now, I feel like I have no where to turn so I need some REAL advice PLEASE. I am 24 and my grlfriend (well X now) is just turned 21 TODAY. She went on a semseter at sea trip this summer for about 2 months and everything was great. I have ALWAYS been really supportive of her doing stuff like that. Well, THE DAY she got back she broke up with me. We had been together 5 years and she said she needs some time to figure herself out and really see what life is like without me. She just got into an out of state school and she will be leaving in Jan. She has been back now for about 2 months and we talk everyday. Now, I wasn't the best boyfriend, I made my mistakes (I NEVER cheated) I just wasn't really there emotionally for her wich is WAY worse. She cheated on me twice over 5 years but I never gave up on her and we always worked things out. Now she is driving me crazy, I don't know what to do. When I give her "space" she starts being REALLY sweet and tells me she loves me and she missses me, but when I start opening up to her and tell her how I feel, she pulls away. She says that she hopes she will come back to me, and if she does she wants to start a whole new and better relationship. She said she thinks it would be good if we date some other people to see what's out there, but she thinks we are "soul mates". I HATE getting all these mixed signals from her and I am really hurting right now. I was going to ask her to marry me when she got back, but now I really don't know what is going on. A lot of times when we talk she is so cold and rude to me, but then like 3 days later she will be sooooooo sweet. This is the first BIG relationship I have really been in, and I know it will be good for her to go out and "see the world" but Im scared. I don't want to lose her for good, but I really think I already have. A lot of times when we talk it is just her throwing all of my faults in my face and making me feel like crap. If things were so bad, I seriously doubt she would have stayed with me for so long. I know she still loves me, and I HOPE she is still in love with me, but I don't know how to approach this at all, that is why I am here. Should I just let her go and do her thing, or should I fight for her? I want to call her soooo bad, but I know that will just make things worse. We are so much more than bf/gf, she is like my best friend too. WHAT SHOULD I DO!

[jeffatl]

Added note: She says "I was not there for her emotionally" but about 2 months before she left I really tried to be emotional with her, I guess I was a "wuss". It doesn't make sense until now I guess, I have reasd A lot of these posts on how to treat girls and that is what I was pretty much doing, until the end. Over the past few months I have really been a big ol WUSS. She knows I love her, and she still sends me the ol text "823" or "i love you" only AFTER I "give her space". I really need to "f off" in a sense and let her see what life is REALLY like without me huh? I know I am a good guy, and she knows that too. DARN IT I miss her though. All of my friends tell me "f her man, she is a b#$ch" but she is NOT. I pretty much disregard my friends advice as a bunch of BS because NONE of them have ever really had a "relationship". I could REALLY use some help, am I being a "wuss"?

[fredg]

Hello,
What gives you the right to post something like this with foul, abusive, and bad language?
Please don't post words like that anymore. It is not allowed at this website.
Since you are a "newbie", you might want to read the policies of this site.

Anyway, I am sorry about your situation. I had a very similar situation when I was your age, (which was over 40 yrs ago! ). So... been there... done that.
My suggestion is to leave her alone.
Don't call her, don't answer any messages, don't talk with her.
She must make up her mind what or who she wants. If she is really in love with you, she will let you know later.
Meantime, stop killing yourself with worry. Get out and meet some new people, even though it's hard to do so. You have a life, live it.
She will contact you in the future if she really wants to get back with you.
Best of luck,
fredg

[jeffatl]

I am in ANOTHER jam now. I am on Facebook to keep in touch with my friends from school and all, and on the "looking for" part I had "random play" but I didn't mean that I want to go out and randomly hook up with girls, I just meant mess around on the site. The EX just saw it and FREAKED OUT! She is sooooo pissed off at me and I didn't do anything. I had a picture of me and her on there but I had to change it because I can't look at pics of me and her anymore, its too hard. I am an idiot, I know I did something dumb, but she knows me better than that. I called her and tried to explain myself to her, but she won't hear it, all she says is "its over" then I ask "for good?" and all she says is "i dont know". Am I out of there because of something this trivial? I did not hook up with anyone and I want her back. I know I am an idiot, but I just didn't think it was a big deal. She is talking to me on the phone, but she won't see me at all. This just happened today, what can I do? I really don't want to lose her, and she has no reason not to trust me. I have never been the kind of guy that hook up at random. I love her and I want her back more than anything. I was going to try and play it cool, but now I am just in the dog house because of a stupid web site! PLEASE HELP ME!

[Wildcat21]

Seriously - you're screwed dude. That was supid. There no way around it. It's a form of cheating. It's beyound stupid if you actually have a relationship with one woman. IT'S NOT TRIVIAL. To her you're out there trolling for woman.

All I can say is - GIVE HER SPACE. Don't call, never beg - ever. Let her sort things out. I wouldn't call her for now because you will only make it worse.

See - you BROKE her trust massively. I doubt she will ever respect and trust you again.

[momincali]

Your intentions may not have been to hurt her, but walk a mile in her shoes. How do you think you would feel if it was her doing those things? If you love this girl and want her back then write her a letter letting her know that you respect her feelings, you want to speak to her face to face and apoligize but will wait until she is ready to do that. Don't try explaining anything in the letter, just let her know you were not thinking straight and that your actions were immature and selfish. It really doesn't matter that you say that you didn't intend hooking up with someone, your actions gave the impression that you were open to it. If you want to date this girl, or any other for that matter, with the intentions of it leading to marriage, date 2 years (not 4, 5 10 years), get to know each other really well, ask all the important questions, religion, kids or no kids, who will stay home and raise the kids, disclose all pertinent family info(like my family is a little psycho kind of stuff) and all that jazz. If your feelings toward this girl are that strong and that sincere, then it's pretty likely she will eventually be open to talk to you about it. I don't know all of your particulars but if she is your "ex" and you two were not in negotiations to get back together, then technically speaking you did nothing wrong, even if you did have intentions of meeting someone. That's why it's called "broken-up", you have the freedom to do what you like. However, at no time should you ever do anything so lame (like dating her friend) that she would not even want to remain friends with you. Refrain from calling her 10 times a day and just send her that note. She will probably admire the fact that you are respecting her wishes and doing as she said. You'll get through it.

[Chery]

Yup, you said it, you did something dumb. Were you in such a hurry to apply to this website that you did not take the time to read it fully and fill out the little 'dots' correctly or was that a freudian slip? If this happened today, how many times did you call her? May I suggest that you unsubscribe from that site, send her an email to let her know, or write her a letter if you are serious about wanting her back. But you will probably have to wait a while for her to come back because she has a lot to think and reflect about. She will be angry now, and will hopefully look at the pros and cons of your relationship - hope there are more 'cons' for your sake. This will give you time to do a little reflecting too. If you are 'destined' to get back together, it will happen, but don't push it. All wounds need a bit of time to heal, so tell her you'll give her all the time she needs. You will find out if she left you for this reason only, or another and needed the right excuse, and you gave it to her. This might be a possibility that you'll have to face when the time comes, so prepare yourself. Taking these steps right now will give you a start.. If she no longer wants the relationship with you, you can always join the website again and start over. Keep us posted and good luck.

[Chery]

I sometimes get the feeling we can read each other's minds across the 'great pond'. Keep up the good work!

[jeffatl]

Yes, I get it, I did something STUPID but I did not have the intention of "trolling for women". I don't want to find girls on the internet. It is a college web site where you keep in contact with your friends, that's it. It is NOT a dtaing web site. I TOTALLY understand why she would be upset about it, but the thing is, she knows me better than that. She know I don't do things like hook up with girls at random, I just don't think that way, sorry. She just called and apologized to me for over reacting to it, and said she has just been really stressed out this week. I get that it was stupid of me to put that, but there were only 4 choices, and that's the one I picked, I didn't write that in. I should have thought about it more, but honestly, the site is just dumb. The only reason I got onto it is to keep in touch with some old friends. She has been playing some major games with me over the past month and a half, so I don't think it is fair of you to say some of these things. I know I haven't toatlly explained the situation so I will try now. She left for 2 months to study abroad, THE DAY she got back she said she needed "time to figure things out". One day she will be heartless and mean, so I say "screw it" the next she is sooooo sweet to me. Even her sister (one of my good friends) called me and said "I dont know what her problem is, but dont let her play games with you like this, you are a good guy and she will realize that". I know it was something boneheaded, and I honestly never gave it a seccond thought. A few weeks after we broke up we hung out and I saw a message she sent to some guy calling him sexy and she wished she was back at the beach with him. When I asked her about it she got pissed, told me it was none of my business, and she doesn't have to answer to me. I hope this sheds some light on things, I am not a bad guy, I just made a dumb mistake, don't hold that against me.

[jeffatl]

p.s. even her sister said that her getting pissed off about that "random play" stuff was dumb... and yes... she is older than my EX.

[Chery]

Don't be upset with us please. We did not get the 'whole picture' because you did not 'paint it'. We are here to help as best as we can and can only pick up on what is written. We are not generally judgemental, so don't take us for that, please. Wildcat and I get 'into it' sometimes but we are friends and just like to banter a bit, but we do want to help others to get out of stressful and/or confusing times as much as we can. Don't give up on us, we will always be here to listen and sometimes even learn. You sound like an intelligent young man and I think you'll do just fine. Take care and keep us posted.

[Wildcat21]

I agree with Chery. And this joker tposted today she broke up with him in an earlier post- WHICH IS IT?

[Chery]

Check on the threads he started in his profile. There are not that many and will be easy to find.

[jeffatl]

Sorry guys, that's why I am here, I feel like I have no where else to turn. I didn't mean to jump down your throats, this is just REALLY hard for me to handle right now (first tuff break up) I know you mean no harm, and I am new here so give me a little to "feel things out". I do appreciate everything, but don't be so quick to judge me. Thanks for your help guys, Jeff.

Here is the thread wildcat https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=13639 It might give you a better picture on what is going on.

[jeffatl]

Sorry for the language, I am "the new guy" I meant no disrespect. I will edit the post.

[fredg]

Hi,
Thank you, and I hope with all your replies, some of them can help your situation.
fredg

[momincali]

Actually Jeff, this changes my opinion a little. If you were my brother I'd say with best friends like that who needs enemies? Hear me out. She cheated on me twice over 5 years but I never gave up on her and we always worked things out. 5 years and 2 cheating episodes does not make for a good record, not as a friend and certainly not as a girlfriend. If she was being mistreated or you were emotionally unavailable, unappreciated or whatever, then the right and mature thing for her to do would have been to leave the relationship, not turn around and retaliate. Alot of times when we talk she is so cold and rude to me, but then like 3 days later she will be sooooooo sweet. Honestly, put your emotions aside, are they aside? Okay, does that sound like a person who's got their stuff together? I'm not saying she's crazy or anything like that, I'm saying maybe she's overwhelmed about the whole relationship and needs to grow up some. That doesn't happen in two months, she needs time, lots and lots of it. She went on a semseter at sea trip this summer for about 2 months and everything was great. I have ALWAYS been really supportive of her doing stuff like that. Well, THE DAY she got back she broke up with me. Do you think it's possible something may have happened while she was gone that made her rethink this relationship? Maybe she began thinking about her future, maybe she wasn't sure that she still wanted you to be a part of it. Since she has cheated twice on you (that you know of) maybe she met someone who made her question all of this?? Maybe she had a moment of "the grass is always greener..." type thing? This doesn't make your ex-girlfriend a bad person, just someone who is struggling to admit or realize what she wants to do with her life and she's taking you with her on this wild ride. She says that she hopes she will come back to me, and if she does she wants to start a whole new and better relationship. Huh?? I don't care if you were the crappiest boyfriend on earth, you don't stick around for someone who says she "hopes" she will come back... that's absurd. We live in a free country where you are actually entitled to pick the person you want to be with, that's a hell of a freedom, don't waste it. Alot of times when we talk it is just her throwing all of my faults in my face and making me feel like crap. You were going to ask this person to marry you?? So you can go through a some happiness but with lots-of-this-throwing-faults-in-your-face-constantly-kinda-life?? Marriages are supposed to be between two people who not only love each other (cause believe it or not, the feeling of love comes and goes) but mainly have committed themselves, mind, body and soul to each other, come happy, sad or confused times. Marriage is respect, love, admiration, warmth, honesty and trust. Not unconditional love, like no matter what you do to me, I am going to stay put, you are not a door mat, you are a spouse. She said she thinks it would be good if we date some other people to see whats out there, but she thinks we are "soul mates". I love and adore my husband more than I can ever explain, but I am not sure that the whole soul mates thing really exist, love does though. And even if you do buy into the soul mates thing, if she has already found her soul mate, why does she need to date other people to see what's out there?? You said she wants to go out there and find herself, to see the world, I say let her go. She may feel that she does really love you but you need to give her a few years to grow up! Mature women don't act that way. Get on with your life. That doesn't mean go out and date every girl you meet, that means don't stay home and do nothing. That means focus on your school life and goals and meet them with a passion. That means don't turn down every potential date. Life will happen. You might meet someone who is surprisingly everything you have ever wanted, even more than your ex-girlfriend. Don't be shy, I know this was your first BIG relationship, it just may not necessarily be your best. Knowing all the things you know about your ex, play a little be-honest, would you want her to be the mother of your 99 kids? Go one further, would you introduce a girl like that to your grown up son?? That might help put things in perspective. I know this was probably not what you wanted to hear or read I should say, I just think it's important you got a third party opinion and unfortunately, my opinions are not always humble. Best Wishes. :)

[jeffatl]

Wow, thanks mom! Lol. I didtn really start thinking about all this crap until last night to be honest, I was so scared that I was going to lose her I just thought "what could I have done different?" The fact is, I don't think if I treated her better I would be out of this mess. Her sister called me today to ask how I was doing, and she told me "shes crazy, I dont know what her problem is" and "you need to turn this around on her". I really feel like this is NOT the person I fell in love with AT ALL, it really sucks because I really feel like I don't even know her anymore. I asked her sister if she has been acting different around her and she said yes. This is all showing me a BIG sign of immaturity, and I don't like it at all. I can't be mad at her if in fact her feelings did change for me, there is nothing I can really do about that, the thing that burns me is that she is just dragging me through the mud because of it. I don't know if she met someone els, if she did I really wish she would just tell me. She went to New York today for her birthday and told me she would "think about things why she is there" she is also meeting some of the friends she made on her trip this summer which makes me suspicious. She is a really great girl, or she was before she left, I just don't get how people can change over not even 2 months, like a month. I really feel like her mother said something to her about going out and living life. When she went on her trip she called me about 3-4 times a week and cried most of the time telling me "I wish I never came here, I should have stayed" I always told her to be strong and I will be here when you get back baby. Well, her mom went out to see her about half way through the trip, and after she left that's when things got weird with her, phone calls dropped to 1-2 times a week, and not at all the last week. Now, I have a VERY close relationship with her parents and I don't think IF she said anything it was against me, I just think her mom knows we are getting to "that point" in the relationship and she doesn't want her daughter to have any regrets. The problem is, the EX can't really take advice like mature people can, she is VERY impressionable. If you give her advice about something, that is pretty much what she will do. To be honest, I don't want her back right now because I don't like this new person she has become, cold and almost evil. I know she still loves me and she misses me, but I think she is just confused. This is partly my fault thought. You see, I haven't really got to "hang out" with her in about... 4 months, I mean quality me and her time so I still miss her A lot. We talk everyday and I haven't really given her a chance to absorb anything, dumb I know but hey, I just miss her. I am just getting mad now because I feel like I am being played with, even her sis sayed "dont let her play games with you". I have ALWAYS been a straight forward person with her, and COMPLETETLY honset about everything. If she did meet someone on her trip, I will never know because she would never tell me, I know from past experiences. Now let me set the record straight, she did cheat on me twice, but just kissing. Now I don't think it makes a difference but let me give you a little backround on this. Im not trying to bash her, I just want you to see how I "didnt treat her well" as she says. The 2nd time she cheated it was with one of my now EX friends, she kissed him twice and one of my other friends told me about it. When I confronted her about it she lied, for about a month. She made me feel horrible for even asking her about it saying "you dont trust me! I told you I didnt". I finally got fed up and when to him and asked, he said "ok fine, I did it". I had to give him my word I would not beat him up for him to tell me LOL. After all that I still forgave her, maybe that should have been my "red flag" but hey, not much I can do about it now. Now she is in New York and Im wondering IF she did meet someone else if he is up there and she is seeing if it will go anywhere, the problem is, I have no way of knowing. I have asked her like 10 times if she just met someone else but she always says "no, if I wanted anyone it would be you". I just don't get it guys, I feel like such a bad person, but I know Im not. I hate women, well her right now. Thanks for listening.

[Chery]

Jeff, this might sound a bit like Wildcat, but I think it is time for you to move on to greener pastures. She tested you and you failed the test. You also asked her too many times if she was seeing someone else, which gave her the impression that you were insecure. Women don't like insecure, and always forgiving men, they think it is a weakness, so you must not show it,especially at that age. Most young girls want machos until they realize that they are not really the best choice either. Once they realize that they can do what they want and you still let them get away with it without an an upset reaction they expect, they will ride all over you and feel your are too weak to be a permanent partner strong enough to lean on. You gave in too many times with her, so tell her it's over and that she can do what she wants from now on. I know it will hurt, it hurts now, but this will fade once you've met someone that does not treat you like a doormat. You are still young, and believe me, you'll get hurt a few more times in life, so get yourself some self-confidence back real soon. Even her sister told you she did not like the way she treats you, so what does that tell you? Take her aside and have a long talk with her (the sister) and ask her for some advice, she might surprise you and say almost the same as I did - that you should not be a doormat and get out and meet a girl that will not put you through those stupid tests and play games with you. But start over by being a little more secure about yourself, that's the most important thing right now, not her! If you stick with her you'll never get a chance to develop and even might wind up so down that you will find it harder to pick up the pieces. So, concentrate on school, your future, and take a girl or two to the movies, but nothing serious yet, or you'll wind up in the same rut again. The healing process will take a while, but it will happen. Good Luck. And keep us posted. Yes I know you 'love' her, but do you really know why? Check out and wright down your meaning of love right now, and then go back a few years from now and read it, you'll get a good laugh out of it, I promise. Excuse the spelling, but I'm on a roll and don't care to check it right now, you are more important to get this to.

[jeffatl]

I get you. The thing is, I guess I am real insecure with her because she has lied to me in the past about stuff like that. I am realizing quickly that I don't need this much stress in my life, and this is just getting out of hand. I DO need to get my confidence back in myself first. I am normaly not like this, but this whole situation has be a bit messed up. She told me when she gets back that we will have a long talk about us, so who knows what she is going to say. I am going out to the bars tonight, and I am going to leave the phone at home! LOL! Man I hate making drunk phone calls, don't you? This is all just ridiculous now, and I am pretty sick of the games. I am being a big ol wuss right now and I have to quit feeling sorry for myself and just move on. Ah ha! Easier said than done though. I have good days and bad, but I know everything will work out in the end. If she did in fact meet someone else, good for her, I am sure that will last... I just have a problem with looking at the worst case senario sp* with her because of her track record. When she comes back, I will try and give her the old "cold shoulder". I don't think she "tested me and I failed" because I didn't do anything. She sadi that she over reacted to the whole internet thing and she was sorry for it. The fact is, she never even gave me a chance and I don't deserve the things she is putting me trhough. I can feel myself getting a little stronger everyday and getting my confidence back, but it is tuff. I guess the one thing I have learned out of all of this is, just when you think you know a lot about women, you quickly realize you know nothing. LOL! Games are a load of crap.