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    alia2's Avatar
    alia2 Posts: 9, Reputation: 0
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    #1

    Dec 16, 2005, 08:19 AM
    Married man, girlfriend and colleague, but she is now...
    I am 34, married. I love my wife, but I don't get enough from her
    As some husbands do...

    My girlfriend is 24, being my student at the university, my girlfriend and my closest colleague for the last 2.5 years.

    We both worked for a government organization, and we established
    A private computer software company with her 3 months ago.

    She is the only source of myself estem and encouragement for
    Doing large projects, and even for my happiness at the home
    With my wife and 2 kids.

    She is a virgin, and wants to remain until her marriage. So we have had everything except the type of sex that hurts her.

    Now, while I love her very much, she has started talking to a man
    For marriage.

    I am very depressed and I have lost all my hope.

    She must remain in the company, since she is a technically
    Active person and we need her.

    She will become a normal employee... without continuing our relationship.

    What should I do?
    I can not forget her while seeing her everyday...
    Can we continue our sex relationship some day, without
    Affecting her life with her husband ?
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #2

    Dec 16, 2005, 08:37 AM
    What you are doing is wrong to say the least. If you loved your wife you would not be doing this to her. You say this girl gives you the self esteem you need etc - but could it be that you are in love with this girl and you only love your wife? There is a big difference to loving someone and being in love with someone. Either way if this girl has founf someone she loves and wishes to marry then this is where your relationship stops. She sounds like a very traditional girl who will commit to her marriage 100%.

    You really need to think about your situation!

    Are you really happy with you wife? Are you really in love with her?

    This situation is very wrong and I can see there underlying issues here which need to be addressed.

    Fredge, Crankie, jesushelper what do you think?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #3

    Dec 16, 2005, 10:05 AM
    Alia2
    How you can so casually betray your life partner and just as casually try to figure out how you can continue down this path is beyond me.Just when I thought I'd seen it all her you come with this crap!You come off as a selfish single minded person who doesn't care about anybody but you.If you continue down this path I predict that your life will unravel so fast your going to wonder what happened and the funny part will be you won't have a clue as to what happened.You need the kind of help only a highly trained professional can give you,and you need it now.Take off the blindfold and see how close to the edge of the cliff you are standing and take a look at how far you can fall.Then look around and see all the innocent people you are going to take with you.Think about all the havoc you have already put into the lives of your own family that they don't even know about YET!Do you care for them at all?Obviously not!What are you going to do when your 24 year old honey tells you to kiss off,will you be lost or just go get another one,and just keep on doing what your doing?How dare you treat the human beings around you like so much s*****t!:mad: :( :mad:
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #4

    Dec 16, 2005, 10:28 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    How you can so casually betray your life partner and just as casually try to figure out how you can continue down this path is beyond me.Just when I thought I'd seen it all her you come with this crap!You come off as a selfish single minded person who doesn't care about anybody but you.If you continue down this path I predict that your life will unravel so fast your going to wonder what happened and the funny part will be you won't have a clue as to what happened.You need the kind of help only a highly trained professional can give you,and you need it now.Take off the blindfold and see how close to the edge of the cliff you are standing and take a look at how far you can fall.Then look around and see all the innocent people you are going to take with you.Think about all the havoc you have already put into the lives of your own family that they don't even know about YET!Do you care for them at all?Obviously not!What are you going to do when your 24 year old honey tells you to kiss off,will you be lost or just go get another one,and just keep on doing what your doing?How dare you treat the human beings around you like so much s*****t!:mad: :( :mad:
    Well said talaniman!

    alia2

    How can you even think this is acceptable and talk about it as if every man does this?? You are the type of guy that all women fear and avoid when it comes to relationships.

    Imagine if your wife knew about this? She would be horrified and second of all left hurt, betrayed and most of all her heart left in pieces. How can you do this??
    nymphetamine's Avatar
    nymphetamine Posts: 900, Reputation: 109
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    #5

    Dec 16, 2005, 10:38 AM
    Oh gee thanks for thinking about your poor wife and your children. Sorry if I'm not too sympathetic to you but my husband left me for a anorexic sycopath not too long ago and I gave more than I should have during our relationship. If you love your wife and wish to stay with her there's a few things you need to know.1. get rid of the young chick(what is your wife not good enough because she's not 24?) 2. your wife will never ever gain her trust back unless you carry a video camera everywhere you go. 3. Her selfesteem will be ruined. 4.after awhile she won't give a float if you leave. Now as far as your little girl toy she's wanting to marry someone else. I think its highly obvious that you have given up on your wife from the questions you have asked in your post. So the best thing I say you could do is pack up your bags, tell your wife about what's going on( make sure she's not near any sharp objects when you do), then leave and look for a divorce lawyer. Unless your wife is a danger to your children I would not try to fight her for custody of the children as young children belong with mama. Just letting you know cause your wife has enough to deal with about your affair she doesn't need you trying to punish her by taking her children. Im wondering just what was it your wife does not give you? Maybe while you have your guess what honey speech you could talk to her calmly about what went wrong and let her talk about something's to. Im thinking with as selfish as you sound there are bound to be many things she could tell you about yourself. I bet there are things you don't do for her.
    momincali's Avatar
    momincali Posts: 641, Reputation: 242
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    #6

    Dec 16, 2005, 10:50 AM
    If you can get past the fact that I think you're a termite, then you can continue reading and maybe this will help you. It's so sad to know that a 30-something year old man with a certain degree of education has so little common sense and decency but I suppose book knowledge has very little to do with character and commitment.

    Did you ever talk to your wife and tell her what you "were not getting from her"? If you did speak to her about it, did you suggest going into therapy? If she showed no interest in that either, then at that point you could have asked for a separation to see if she would change her mind.

    What I'm getting at is that you cheapened your relationship and lowered yourself by not taking the appropriate steps. Had you done all of the following, allowed her a little time to consider her options, you could have then filed for divorce based on the fact that she was not willing to work on the marriage. Then, becoming involved with this student who by the way is ridiculously too young for you would not have been cheating, technically.

    Did you ever stop to think that perhaps your wife is not getting what she would like or need from you either?? Did she cheat on you too and fall in love with another man? You'd be amazed how much you can get out of a relationship when you give. Now, I understand that what you may be missing from your wife may not just pertain to sex. It could be a number of things. She's not tender enough, she's not supportive enough, she's not smart enough or funny enough, yada, yada, yada... THAT'S NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO DO WHAT YOU DID. Why? Because you knew all of these things before you married her and married her anyway! I am so sick and tired of hearing about people who marry an apple but they really wanted an orange and maybe by marrying them, they will auto-magically change! That's just ignorant. And then... to add the complication of children, not one, but two.

    Let this young girl go. One day, when she is married with children, and very in love with her husband, she will think back to this time with you and feel remorse and pain... for your wife, because she would not want to have the same done to her... for any reason. She is not on the same playing field as you, I don't care what you say. Can you honestly tell me that when you were 24 that you were at the same place mentally that you are now? Did you not grow in those 10 years?? Did things not change for you? The things that were important at 24 are not the same at 34.

    Your only question was what was going to happen to you. Poor little you.
    Change jobs, stay away, I don't care if you have to flip patties 18 hours a day at McDonalds, just get out of there. If you have an ounce of dignity and care left for your family, then return to them. If this was the only time you were unfaithful, don't unload your burden on your wife. She should be spared this crap. If you think you're just a cheating bastard that will do this again and again then you do need to tell her, she deserves the opportunity to slap you before she boots your *** out. I hope for the sake of your children, and how they will view you when they are grown, that this is put far behind you and you never commit such an act of sheer selfishness and stupidity again. They didn't ask to be born into a broken home, visiting daddy, that's not right.

    Go back into the frame of mind that had you fall in love with your wife in the first place. Talk, talk, talk. Don't accuse, don't point fingers. If you need the help of a third person, see a good family therapist, but don't let your family slip away. Fulfill your commitment and obligation to them and I swear it will make you feel more love in return. Take your wife out on dates again, just like when you were boyfriend and girlfriend. Stop wasting time, money and energy on that girl and dedicate it on your entire family. Don't wait for those feelings to come back, get off your *** and find them, they are there. You'll be freaking Superman.
    alia2's Avatar
    alia2 Posts: 9, Reputation: 0
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    #7

    Dec 16, 2005, 11:50 AM
    More description
    Thank you all for paying attention to me, this 'poor' and 'bad' man.
    I visited this site today, and from its name, I assumed that someone
    Will really HELP me, not kicking me up a row for my feelings!

    Let me describe more about this situation, and please note that
    I have tried many ways, and a therapist proposed me to have
    A GF after telling '2' below to him :

    1) My wife is good and supporting, but she is too busy with her job as
    A teacher, she works even at the week ends (not for money, but
    For loving her job and for being afraid from their school's manager)
    Except having very small tits, she has no other body problem.

    2) A root of my problem is in wife's sister, who is very attractive, and
    They 'hide' her from me at the start of my marriage, although my mom
    Was the first one who had seen her for marrying with me, and they
    Proposed the older sister...
    I became aware of this after our marriage, and unfortunately we were
    Living with them (my sister-in-law and her mother) in a home for 3 years.
    I had no relation with her but she ruined my feelings to my wife at
    That time, and I recovered from that with the help of my girlfriend.
    The therapist told me (in the absence of my wife!) "you can be with
    every girl you want except your wifes sister."

    4) I am not a 'visiting' parent. I think I am paying enough attention
    To my kids and they are happy with their life. I am also paying as much
    Attention to my wife as she is at home!
    I don't think divorce to be a good way. We live in a middle eastern country
    Which divorce is not a normal thing, and neither me nor my wife or kids
    Can continue our normal life after that.

    5) I think I am not the only man who has such a life style (good or bad).
    Although I know that there are many men, who are happy or pretend
    That they are happy only with their wife's.
    But the God has not created us with similar feelings and needs.

    6) A friend of mine, who has many GF's in addition to her wife, has a different discipline. He says :
    "A man can fulfil all of a woman's [sexual] needs, but NOT vice versa."
    "I believe in an English proverb about girls which is consisted of 4 'F's : Find them, Fool them, **** them, Forget everything about them"!!!
    He also says :
    "You should have feelings only to your wife, and
    Use other girls only for sex, with a smell of love, like gifts,.
    But don't be afraid losing any of them because of her marriage,.
    You can find a replacement and you will FORGET the first one, even
    If she is working with you, keep work and sex separate matters... "

    I really need your help to 'manage' my feelings.
    And the fact is that I can not fill this gap only with my wife.
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
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    #8

    Dec 16, 2005, 11:59 AM
    Is this an arranged marriage?
    I do believe you should divorce and in a hurry.


    (I'm so tempted to call troll on this)
    CaptainForest's Avatar
    CaptainForest Posts: 3,645, Reputation: 393
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    #9

    Dec 16, 2005, 12:04 PM
    It is time for me to be Dr. Phil.

    But first,
    "Except having very small tits, she has no other body problem.". Ummmm, how is having small tits a body problem?

    Anyway,
    You have an entirely different mentality on marriage as we do. To us here in the western world, we have free marriages and divorces where as you have arranged marriages and no divorces.

    Here it is simple.

    1) Divorce your wife, marry your girlfriend.
    2) Stay with you wife, let you girlfriend go, and find a new girlfriend (since obviously you need to have at least 1 girlfriend because apparently that is how your culture is).

    There is NO WAY for you to keep your girlfriend, unless you marry her. So suck it up, and choose. I would recommend leaving your wife and marrying your girlfriend since you seem to be in love with the girlfriend. But, it is YOUR choice... or is it? I'm not quite sure how things in the eastern world work.
    nymphetamine's Avatar
    nymphetamine Posts: 900, Reputation: 109
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    #10

    Dec 16, 2005, 12:30 PM
    You should have said all that stuff from the beginning. We are not accostumed to our husbands having 50 girlfriends SO yes it is only natural that we attacked as we did. I understand things in your country are different. Is your marriage arranged? That can really suck for many reasons. Can't you talk to your girlfriend and you can have two wives? They allow that over there don't they? Pst- sometimes I wish they allowed that over here cause us american women could use the extra help around the house and if you have a head ache you could always tell one of the other wives" its your turn." There would probably be less jealousy and less diseases to worry about. Karma, what do you mean by troll? Trolls are bad luck you know.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #11

    Dec 16, 2005, 12:45 PM
    Alia2
    You sure could have saved yourself and me a lot of grief by sharing the whole story with us from the get go.Your actions and questions take on a whole new meaning now that I have more facts to deal with.I apologize as I thought you lived here in America and the customs of your(?) country are strange to me.I do not know enough to make an opinion or give advice to your situation.sorry and good luck!:cool:
    momincali's Avatar
    momincali Posts: 641, Reputation: 242
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    #12

    Dec 16, 2005, 03:23 PM
    We did not kick you up a row because of your feelings, we kicked you up a row for being a cheating rat.

    Having said that, I do understand now that you come from a country whose customs practically encourage having multiple women in your life, in addition to your wife. I don't agree with it, but I do understand that it is normal for you to conduct your marriage this way because this is how you were raised.

    I believe that you must move on from your girlfriend, especially since she has already done so. I also believe that your friend's remark "A man can fulfill all of a woman's (sexual) needs but NOT vice-versa" could not be more wrong, the proof lies in the fact that your own girlfriend has moved on and begun speaking with another man about marriage. Perhaps it is also because she did not feel that you fulfilled all of her sexual needs so she went to one who could?

    It would be a good idea for you to relocate yourself and find other employment. Being near her all the time will only complicate things for you, your family and her of course. Seeing her will only intensify your feelings of loss and since there is nothing you can do about it, there is no point. Since divorce is not a good practice in your country (not in any country really) expecting your girlfriend to remain with you without the promise of marriage is not fair to her. She's young and would like to have a commitment and a husband.

    Your children appear to be the only constant, reliable source of love and commitment you have and that is why I suggested spending more time with them, enough is never enough, especially if your wife seems to be always working, they need the bond of at least one parent. Spend all the time with them that you would have spent with your girlfriend.


    It is really too bad that your wife spends too much time with work, you and the children should be her primary focus and obligation. Her absence I'm sure is contributing to the depletion of your feelings for her, although I don't believe that your feelings for her were ever truly very strong. If merely seeing your sister in law ruined your feelings for your wife, they could not have been very intense to begin with.


    Make the best of a bad situation. I know it will be difficult but you aren't left with many alternatives. Good luck.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #13

    Dec 16, 2005, 07:49 PM
    Unfortunately you're married to someone else and she's about to be married. You both have commitments to other people so sex is going to be off-limits for the two of you. Try talking things over with your wife and see if the two of you can "mend fences." That'll be your best bet for happiness and fulfillment at this point.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #14

    Dec 16, 2005, 09:52 PM
    I honestly do not care what country you come from or what back ground you come from. Having a wife and children and being together with them should be the most important thing. To have girlfriends on the side is not right. Eighter get divorced then you can have all the girlfriends you want or stay married and stop seeing other girls. There will be consequences to these actions you take. It is not treating your wife properly and no changing the opinion of that.

    Joe
    CaptainForest's Avatar
    CaptainForest Posts: 3,645, Reputation: 393
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    #15

    Dec 16, 2005, 10:01 PM
    Come on Jesushelper76.

    He has a totally different culture and mantality than we do. We shouldn't super impose our beliefs on to him.

    Isn't that why the middle east hates America and the western world? Because they don't like American (western world) values? We all need to learn to be more tolerant of differerent cultures.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #16

    Dec 16, 2005, 10:05 PM
    Do
    How about stop seeing other women while you are married.

    Decide if you want to give your wife every penny you have, the house, the cars and also about 1/3 of your check for the next 10 years or so??

    How about stop making excuses for cheating on your wife.

    If you want to stay with her ( and she deserves a lot better) go get counseling together.

    You are risking your carrerr and your marriage on this affair that is not self worth, ( or if it is, it shows you are not worth very much in my book anyway
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #17

    Dec 16, 2005, 10:43 PM
    Alia2
    Earlier I blasted your actions becauseI did not know other things about you(your culture/religion) and I assumed you were from America.MY bad! After reading your other post my opinion really hasn't changed as I see my original assessment of your actions were right on the money.You have shown a truly selfish attitude toward your life and no matter what the rules of your culture you still only think of you and your feelings with a callous desregard for others around you!You don't care about your wife or girlfriend only what's in it for you.This is very obvious!Even playing by the rules of your own culture a man is still honor bound to take care of his wife and family but as you said you didn't like her anyway after you saw her sister.It is very hard for me to respect your feelings when you show no effort to do the man thang and respect your own house let alone the impending marriage of your girlfriend.The only advice I can give you is to ask the God that you understand to forgive your poor *** and give you guidance in the right direction.good luck with finding your soul!:cool:
    CaptainForest's Avatar
    CaptainForest Posts: 3,645, Reputation: 393
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    #18

    Dec 16, 2005, 10:46 PM
    talaniman.

    I was about to say that this was an arranged marriage and he didn't have a choice, but now I am wondering why I keep defedning this guy, who seems to have disappeared.

    So, yes, he is selfish and is only looking out for his needs, and I will leave it at that.
    rkim291968's Avatar
    rkim291968 Posts: 261, Reputation: 34
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    #19

    Dec 16, 2005, 10:48 PM
    Let your girlfriend go. Stay with your wife. Try to make it work with your family.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #20

    Dec 17, 2005, 12:33 AM
    Captain,

    This person has no respect, no love, and no caring for his wife or children. It is obvous that his so called girlfriend is more important. Anyway you put it, it is not right. I think you understand that.

    Joe

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