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need2talk · Dec 7, 2007, 08:46 AM

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 1. We are high school sweethearts and now he just told me he was attracted to men. I feel stupid because everyone has always said that they thought he was gay. It has kind of been like a joke ever since high school. But he loved me and I loved him and he always denied it he siad he wasn't and I didn't think he was.Now he goes to gay bars to hang with his "friends" and has a great time.Alot more fun then he would ever have with me. I think that since he goes there and everyone says he's gay and that he's having so much fun there that he thinks he is and now he told me he's felt like this ever since he was little.I just don't know what to do and I fell so stupid because everyone always said he was and I should have saw this coming.

N0help4u · Dec 7, 2007, 08:53 AM

You aren't going to change him so if there is no future you should talk to him about if he wants a divorce so he can get on with his life. If he says he wants to stay with you get to the bottom of WHY he would want to. He shouldn't have his cake and eat it too leaving you without a real life for yourself. I wouldn't even mention why things didn't work out to others.
Get out and get your own life and keep your dignity.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 7, 2007, 09:26 AM

You two need to have a talk. He is either going to live a gay life style or be married to you. He can't do both. He has no business going to gay bars if he is married to you.
You deserve a husband all of the time, not one who's gate is swinging both ways.
Personally, I could not stay with him.

Stephieee · Dec 7, 2007, 09:56 AM

Originally Posted by need2talk

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 1. We are highschool sweethearts and now he just told me he was attracted to men. I feel stupid because everyone has always said that they thought he was gay. It has kind of been like a joke ever since highschool. But he loved me and I loved him and he always denied it he siad he wasnt and i didnt think he was.Now he goes to gay bars to hang with his "friends" and has a great time.Alot more fun then he would ever have with me. I think that since he goes there and everyone says hes gay and that hes having so much fun there that he thinks he is and now he told me hes felt like this ever since he was little.I just dont know what to do and I fell so stupid because everyone always said he was and I should have saw this coming.

If he's worked up the courage to come out to you, he is gay and has been for a long time. My question is, if you have only been married for a year, why is he just telling you this now? You think he wasn't feeling this way a year ago, when he married you? It would've been a lot easier to just break up rather than go through a divorce. I know he can't change who he is or whatever, but still. I would be pissed. Does he even want to stay together? Because it sounds like he is showing you no respect. As for the gay bars, would you put up with him going to “straight bars” to pick up women? What makes him think that now that he's gay its OK? That's crazy.

akitbo · Dec 7, 2007, 10:00 AM

Have been in the same boat, but was married for a lot longer. Encourage you to contact GAMMA. It is an organization for Adult Married Men and their families who are gay. The one thing I will say is remember what attracted you to him in the beginning is the same thing that exists today.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2007, 09:21 AM

Okay he is gay. What is it he wants to do about it, that's the question. After marriage is no time to explore his sexuality with others. Talk and be frank, and find out what he thinks he should, do or want to do. If he wants sex outside the marrige, let him go. Doesn't really matter, man or woman, its cheating. Another question, is he still attracted to you?

donf · Dec 9, 2007, 10:33 AM

Dear lady,

I empathise with your predicament. However, it is nothing for you to feel stupid about> He deliberately deceived you. He withheld the information from you.

If he had confessed his true attraction at any time prior to your marriage, the dating and marriage would not have been something you would have chose.

My suggestion is to seek some professional help for yourself. I would like to suggest that you start by seeing a local clergeyman or woman to discuss you options, plans and fears.

Seeking help for your husband will never work, he has to want to change if he does not, he is just going along to get along.

May I also suggest that you put the onus back on him. If his homosexuality is a true issue for you, put it to him that he has to make a decision and give him a week or so to mull it over. Let him know that he must choose between being married to you as a true husband or continuing his homosexual life. Let him know that you consider his giving his love to other men as a breach of faith to his promise of fidelity to you.

Please do not try to own the management of his situation. There are options open to you. Divorce, Annulment or a continued marriage. Even the Roman Catholic would consider an application for annulment based on the fact that his withholding of his homosexuality prior to marriage tainted the marriage vows since he could not bring his full love of you to these vows.

Good luck and try to enjoy the spirit and solemnity of this season.

s_cianci · Dec 9, 2007, 10:36 AM

I agree with the others. Cheating is cheating, whether it's done straight or gay. Lay it on the table with him and give him an ultimatum and be prepared to pack your bags and go.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 9, 2007, 02:02 PM

Yes cheating and running around is the same no matter what their sexual preference, so do what any other wife does when their husband cheats, divorce him and take him for everything he ever had or will have.

If he is willing to stop going out and remain faithful then try counseling if you want to save the marriage.

mseik · Dec 9, 2007, 02:12 PM

GAMMA would be a great group for your husband.

For you, I strongly recommend you start here to find some vital, knowledgeable support with this issue. Getting subjective random online opinions from people who are definitely not experts on this issue can certainly do more harm than good. This venue just serves to cloud an already difficult emotional situation. Please seek support from people who know better and won't transfer their own uninformed opinions about things to you and your situation.

No offense intended to anyone here, but that is the reality of the situation.

I wish you the best.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 9, 2007, 02:20 PM

No sorry mseik but even suggesting that a person stay with another perosn who is out having sexual affairs is not only poor advice but harmful.

And sorry but advice that a relationship could or even should work allowing a spouse to be in affairs with others, no matter what sex they are, is just wrong.

And to be honest, a partner in a homosexual affair is far worst and the injured spouse should feel rightfully cheated and hurt.

mseik · Dec 9, 2007, 02:31 PM

Not only does the text of that disagreement make no sense (or reference to anything specific), but are you saying that a professional recommendation to visit the largest and most respected international support organization for straight spouses unreasonable? I have the original poster's best interest at heart here and will act objectively, compassionately, and responsibly; nothing else is of consequence.

mseik · Dec 9, 2007, 02:39 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

no sorry mseik but even suggesting that a person stay with another perosn who is out having sexual affairs is not only poor advice but harmful.

And sorry but advice that a relationship could or even should work allowing a spouse to be in affairs with others, no matter what sex they are, is just wrong.

And to be honest, a partner in a homosexual affair is far worst and the injured spouse should feel rightfully cheated and hurt.

You've made a dangerously ill-informed assumption. There is absolutely nothing in my response that indicates in any way I'm suggesting this woman stay, leave, or make suppositions about motivation, value judgments not germane to her specific situation, or anything else about this situation.

Furthermore, it would be professionally and ethically reprehensible for me to do so.

This is, however, a perfect example of what I'm referring to in online communities such as these. Subjective advice-giving by non-professionals in extremely emotionally complex situations such as this one is dangerous at best. I'm doing my best as a professional to help steer this individual in a direction that will lead to support that is informed, compassionate, and above all, helpful.

Opinions and suppositions are superfluous. This woman needs support now.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 10, 2007, 07:44 AM

Yes she does need support. She also needs to know that what her husband did is wrong and unfair to her. He entered into a marriage with her knwing he was gay. That was ehthically wrong.
That is basically what people are telling her. What he did was wrong and a cheat is a cheat whether he is gay or staight.

excon · Dec 10, 2007, 07:53 AM

Originally Posted by mseik

This is, however, a perfect example of what I'm referring to in online communities such as these. Subjective advice-giving by non-professionals in extremely emotionally complex situations such as this one is dangerous at best.

Hello m:

So, are you going to devote yourself to correcting all our lay mistakes?? Or is it possible that you just don't understand the nature of THIS site.

Dude! We're happy to have you here, but I'm not impressed with your professional credentials. If you don't like our NON credentialed advice, why don't you start a site for CREDENTIALED individuals only? If you're good, I'll refer some people to you.

excon

NowWhat · Dec 10, 2007, 08:02 AM

Okay, he has come out to you. He's Gay. What now? Well, I think you should consider moving on. If he is going out to clubs and what not, then he is not faithful to his commitment. Sure he's gay, but he still made a commitment to you. If he can not honor that commitment, then he needs to be man enough to let you move forward.

Are you stupid? NO! You trusted him, you loved him and you saw what he wanted you to see. That does not make you stupid. And it is nobody's business why your marriage didn't work. If he wants people to know he's gay, then he can tell them, but you don't deserve all the "I told you so's".

I would not recommend staying with this person. If he is going to explore his sexuality as a gay man, then he is not faithful to you and that could open you up to all sorts of things. (Which could be the case even if he wasn't gay)

mseik · Dec 12, 2007, 10:01 AM

After N0Help4U's rating response I think I see the confusion.

So just a disclaimer that everything I'm posting below is not the only scenario, and nothing is absolute, and everyone is an individual and every situation is unique, this is what I have seen more often than not.

I think that a lot of us assume that finding out our husband is gay would be easier than being cheated on with another woman, or irrelevant to the whole cheating scenario, but my experience has been the opposite in a huge way.

Whether a client or a friend, the issue is so complex, and there's rarely animosity or bitterness that's developed in the relationship, and so much pain on both sides, that it's often paralyzing. There's a lot more shock, and a profound sense of being completely and utterly confused about everything. The husband can be going through a life-transforming moment of utter clarity while the wife is feeling completely betrayed by her husband and by herself (her own intuition about things, etc.), but often on a much different level than a hetero infidelity.

It's easy to vilify a husband who cheats with another woman. He's considered a roaming, insensitive, lying, selfish person, and the woman typically gets a lot of support for being victimized. It's a clearly defined scenario that gets played over and over again in real life and in entertainment.

With man-to-man infidelity, however, the transference just isn't there. She can't blame the husband for going out and getting something he could have gotten right at home because she's not a man, and she can't vilify the woman he's cheating with because it's not another woman. It's much more of a shock for most women than a hetero infidelity.

Often, too, the husband and wife are the closest of friends and have formed a deep bond with each other, one that neither of them wants to lose. I've known couples who stay the best of friends after situations like these, but it takes a lot of mending, particularly for the wife (who quite often will remain in love with her husband), to get to that point. To top it off, the man is usually going through a profoundly liberating realization and the wife can see this, which brings up even more deeply conflicting emotions.

It's deeply complex on so many levels, far more so in my experience than a man cheating on his wife with another woman. And it's just generally harder to move through. Most other women friends won't have that common "yeah, my husband cheated on me, too. I know what you're going through" because it's likely most of her friends, if they experienced cheating in their marriage that they know of, will have been cheated on by their husband with another woman.

Because the pool of support and understanding is usually smaller in these situations, and because women tend to be unintentionally ostracized well, referring a person in this situation to support that is dedicated to helping women in these less common and less supported situations really is a good thing to do.

I hope that helps clarify what I was getting at. And I hope our original poster comes back to let us know how she's doing.

talaniman · Dec 12, 2007, 10:33 AM

I think we all have assumed his infidelity, and going out and cheating, is far different than going out. Only the OP can clear that up, and we shouldn't just assume because he is gay, and hanging out at gay bars, that cheating is going on. He may just want sympathy and support, what his wife needs now. My main concern is after dropping a bomb, he is not there to help his wife through this, as I feel a husband should be. To make the gay lifestyle the focus is doing a deservice to the OP, as it does not address the situation because there is no gay lifestyle. As many hetero's troll the bars as gay people looking for sex, and gay or not, all the bars are full. The OP needs support and info, and communication from her partner, which is what she hasn't gotten.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 12, 2007, 12:11 PM

His lifestyle is not the problem. The problem is his knowing he was gay and marrying her and now years later coming clean. His knowing he is gay and trolling gay bars while married to a woman is wrong, it's asking for trouble. He may not have cheated, but he lied to her, he married her under false pretenses and that is IMO wrong.

mseik · Dec 12, 2007, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

His lifestyle is not the problem. The problem is his knowing he was gay and marrying her and now years later coming clean. His knowing he is gay and trolling gay bars while married to a woman is wrong, it's asking for trouble. He may not have cheated, but he lied to her, he married her under false pretenses and that is IMO wrong.

None of that's being disputed, but how is it helping to support this woman right now? She's made it clear she feels betrayed. Right now this woman is in crisis and she's reaching out for support. The focus really needs to be on supporting her with resources and reassurance as best we can given what little information we've got. I've offered the most relevant and supportive link I know of, and there have been some emotionally supportive posts here. Beyond that...