[heepr]

My girlfriend of a year and a month and I broke up Thursday. We decided to take a break from seeing and talking to each other, starting Thursday night. Friday she was in my room after class, saying she couldn't do it and that she needs me in her life. We went and talked and both of us still have very strong feelings for each other, and it's been a pretty serious relationship. She says that recently it hasn't felt normal, and she wants it to work, but she says she needs time to figure everything out. Friday night we went out and had a great time together, and she said it felt normal again. But then the next morning, I could tell she didn't feel right again. Saturday night we agreed that trying the break again was the right thing to do. Signals have been 100% mixed. From "I want to hang out with you all day today because I missed you so bad" on Friday to wanting to take a break for a while on Saturday. We decided on zero contact until she is ready to talk.

We'd been fighting some, nothing horrific, but enough to upset each other. This hasn't been recently, but I think it was the result her being very busy and me being frustrated with it. I tended to get too jealous about her spending time at other places, when she could be with me. I mainly let her know this when I was drunk. After this, I realized I'd been ridiculous and probably overcompensated for it. Thursday she asked if she felt like I appreciated her more than she did me. I think I'd been smothering her, and although she has been extremely serious about our relationship, she wants to evaluate where we are. So it naturally makes sense that she wants some space. Another thing is that we usually studied together during the week, which probably wasn't quite quality time- We were both stressed out, so we rarely had a ton of fun then. It only made sense that she started spending more of her free time elsewhere. I am concerned that we also reached a point in the relationship where the excitement sort of fizzled away. Nothing is new anymore, we simply know each other too well. I feel like I made myself boring. I'm worried that she's starting to see me as just a friend because of it. Women like mystery and excitement, and I don't think those words really have described me in the past month or so. Normally I'm a pretty easygoing person that likes to crack a joke or two, but knowing that she was worried about our relationship stressed me out and prevented me from being as casual as I normally am.

So that's where we are and what's led up to it. We set the terms of the break to give her as much time as she needed. Of course we've grown really close and normally share everything with each other, so the past couple days have been devastating for me. I don't want to screw this up anymore. I feel like I have a much better idea of what she needs now, but not sure of how to get there. We go to a small college of ~1300 so it's hard not to run into each other. I can tell she's not enjoying this either. People have told me that she's been crying a lot. The last time we talked, and agreed on the break, she said she was still going to give me my Christmas gift. I really believe we both still love each other. Am I making a mistake by not contacting her, or is giving her the space she needs the smartest thing to do? I feel like she needs to miss me and realize what we had.

[fredg]

Hi,
My first thougt is how old are you and she? Sometimes, people have "peer pressure" put on them to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Some feel it's not right to not have a boyfriend; whether love is at stake or not.
I don't know if the above applies here, but if I were you, I would give her some time. She really doesn't know right now. Give her a month or two to make up her mind what or who, she wants.
She is confused, and doesn't know what to do. So, accept what is happening, and leave her alone for awhile.

[s_cianci]

The last sentence of your post hits it right on the head. Give it a break for a while. Plan to spend the holidays with friends and/or family. If you've already bought her a Christmas gift, return it (unless you've already given it to her.) If she insists on giving you one, you can accept it but she's not going to get one from you in return. Spend your money on your family and friends. It sounds like you've put the most work into this relationship thus far, so now it's her turn. One thing though ; ease up on the drinking and don't share your concerns with her when you're drunk. When you need to talk with her about delicate issues, do so when you're stone cold sober.

[heepr]

We're both in college. I'm 21 and she's 20. We both do love each other. She had told me before all this that she wanted to marry me someday. Of course this would scare a lot of guys off, but I had strong feelings for her too, and though I didn't jump in and say "yeah, let's do that," like a fool, I didn't let it scare me away. Of course that would be a long ways into the future, she would say. She also said that if that were to happen, she would want to break up at some point to be able to realize that we were truly right for each other. The majority of the time, such conversation about the future would happen when we were both drunk. (I do agree that it's best not to evaluate relationships when intoxicated, but we're both in college and like to go out and have a good time, so it just comes up.) I'll try my best to avoid discussion like that in the future unless neither person has been drinking. Maybe we got too serious worrying about the future too much. It could be a contributing factor.

Now for the update. Yesterday, after a 2.5 day break, she hadn't been eating or sleeping hardly at all, and wanted to talk last night. We took a walk and the talk went very well. She said she knew that we had to be together, but it didn't seem right just to jump back into things. I know she's apprehensive about what might happen in the future. We agreed to take it slow. When we met up, her smile was the most genuine that it had been in a long time. We kept the interaction short, and I walked her back and ended with a hug, no kiss this time. (When we first saw each other, she had wanted a kiss from me, which I hestitated before, and kept it short.)

We decided not to study together, which is especially important now because it's exam time and studying gets very stressful. She said she wanted to hang out a lot over Christmas break, and started throwing out different fun ideas of things we could do. We both agreed that the times we hung out before had gotten boring (watching movies doesn't really promote interaction). It seems like we'd gotten caught in a routine that just didn't excite her anymore. I'm trying to hang back and not contact her, but let her do all the contacting for a change.

I'm also worried that there might be another guy. There has been one in particular that has taken a liking to her, and she says she's friends with. I did mess up earlier and made it apparent that it frustrated me some, so she may be enjoying her new freedom and talking to him. I don't have any evidence to support this though. Truthfully, I have no way of knowing.

She does claim to still love me very much and obviously struggled with the separation and status of forbidden contact. She left me messages on the computer today, but I haven't said a word back. I have been smiling when I see her in public, and her smile is much more genuine when she sees me as well.

What should I do from this point? I want to talk to her more than anything, and when I did talk to her, it made it seem like the situation was much less worse than I'd expected. But on the other hand, I feel like I've been too available to her recently and she needs to chase me for a while, to bring some challenge back into it, rather than being so dull like it was. Ignoring her calls and messages will surely annoy her and make her think I'm not interested, but I don't want to do too much communicating to make it seem like I'm uncontrolably obsessed with her either. She has been saying all along that she wants to give me a Christmas gift, even when we she said she wanted a break, or break up, or whatever you choose to call it. Christmas (the 25th) would also be our 14 month anniversary. I guess we'll have to see what happens in the meantime to know what course of action to take.

[jeffatl]

This girl has no idea what she wants, and that sucks BIG TIME. You need to cut her loose for now and let her figure that out or you are just going to be subject to this crap over and over again. Confused girls can drive you nuts, give her some time and just be honest with her AND YOURSELF. You need to tell her that she needs to figur out what she wants first and then you will talk about getting back together. Best of luck!!

[Chery]

You are both in a stressful situation at college; you've been going together for a long time; you both think drinking is a normal part of life; you said things were getting old, no excitement, etc; and now you are bringing out that green monster called jealousy! Hey, both of you are young, don't own each other, and still have feelings. Why not try the break in a casual way, still exchange gifts if you wish, and go back to laughing, kidding, and just being nice to each other. If and when you get together again and start acting like an old married couple, you'll have to think back to this time or you will fail again. Now is not the time to make promises you can't keep, you have to think about future and career first, then the rest later. If this is the woman you want to grow old with, then both of you have a lot of talking to do and SOBER! Maybe she's worried that you will both get used to drinking too much and always using that as a crutch every time something goes wrong. No partnership is 100 percent perfect, ever. But we can make it work by keeping a level head and heart. Both of you are stressed out right now and need a break, but that does not mean you need to be disrespectful towards each other. You can miss someone you've loved for so long, but still need a little distance to put things in perspective, so do that. This will give you both time to remember good times and assess the values you both shared. Start over as just friends until the love gets rekindled, and if it's meant to be, that's what will happen. Suggest that both of you don't rush things at this point due to the stress and see what happens. Even couples on the way to the chapel get cold feet sometimes, so it's not unusual at all. It depends on how you handle it. Good luck to you both, and Happy Holidays. Remember also, that you are not in kindergarten and don't need to play games anymore, but still need humor and fun as adults, please.

Happy Holidays to you both! Think about the soldiers and couples who won't be able to see each other for a longer period - we all have to survive somehow. Think about that smile of her's and how you feel when you see it - it's worth a thousand words.

[s_cianci]

This girl has no idea what she wants, and that sucks BIG TIME. You need to cut her loose for now and let her figure that out or you are just going to be subject to this crap over and over again. Confused girls can drive you nuts, give her some time and just be honest with her AND YOURSELF. You need to tell her that she needs to figur out what she wants first and then you will talk about getting back together. Best of luck!!!

Agreed. 'Tis sad but true in the world of confused girls.

[heepr]

We're still trying to work things out. The break turned out very successful after lasting a week. We returned home for christmas and hung out every couple of days, and had a lot of fun together. I worked some, and tried to stay out of touch some days just to get her curious. We exchanged christmas gifts, and I could tell she was feeling a lot better about us by her smile and the way she looked at me. We spent new year's together after we both left town for a few days and had a great time. We made it a point to do different, fun things together. Everything seemed to be simplified at home.

We've been back at school a week. We aren't studying together anymore, since I suggested that it wasn't a very fun time to hang out (knowing that it was more of a friends-type situation to be together in). She says that it doesn't feel normal again, even though it had over xmas for her. I have made the mistake of letting her realize that I want to see her more than she does me. I guess you could say I got sloppy with it and became weak. Being the pathetic guy that can't stand to be without her is as attractive as a sack of rotten potatoes, I know..

We regularly go out on the weekends and have typically "gone in" together. She has been continuing to want to do that, without me suggesting at all. We're still hooking up as well. However, one night this weekend, she said she wanted to go in but that she needed to change clothes first and would call me when she was on her way over to my place. About 45 minutes passed without hearing from her, so I went in.. She had left me a couple messages on the computer that she would be coming soon and would call, and then put up an away message (I know, AIM is lame... ) that she was feeling sick and was going to bed. 20 minutes passed after she left me the messages, so I decided to walk over and make sure she was OK. Outside of her room, I saw her talking to another guy that has been pursuing her for a few months. The situation was very awkward, and he left without saying much. I was obviously not happy, and she asked what was wrong. She's been hanging out a fair amount in the company of this guy, which in part makes sense because a lot of her girl friends are good friends with him his guy friends. We ended up returning to my room and talking about it for a while. She admits to being very confused about what she wants. She told me that he came over, implying that it was not her decision for him to be there. But still she was spending time talking to him rather than coming to see me. To make matters worse, when I asked what they were talking about, she said "he was telling me how much he likes me." I feel like she sees me more as a friend now since I made myself too available and might be starting to like him romantically. I asked her if she liked him and she simply said, "he likes me." So I can safely assume the worst, that she is at least interested, and connect her spending time in his company to that. She says he has been pressuring her to the point that she sometimes feels guilty when we hang out, and that he asks why she spends time with me if we are broken up.. She further told me that "they hadn't done anything" and assured me, "I like you" and "I love you".. She told me that some days she feels great about us and tells people that we're together, and others when she doesn't, says that we're not.. Of course this is very unfair to me, but I'm not sure if forcing an ultimatum on her at this moment is going to be the best thing not knowing how strongly she feels about him.

It's so hard to be funny and in a great mood every time she sees me knowing the circumstances and missing her as much as I do. She always used to say how much she loved how funny I was, and now it's hard to be my happy self around her. I know I should ignore her some and act like I'm moving on, but it's incredibly difficult to do so. She still says she loves me and sometimes says that she feels like we're married (meaning it's gotten boring but she still cares about me maybe?)... I feel like if I play my cards right, there is a chance of her wanting us to get back together. Should I maybe refuse to see her sometimes even when I want to more than anything, just to get her curious again? What should I do?

[jeffatl]

That's great things are getting a little better for you, but are you really happy having to tip toe around this girl like this? I get all the not wanting to seem like you want her back and stuff, but you need to be yourself brother, she still OWNES you. Don't let this girl make you bottle up your emotions and feel like you have to play hard to get, you should be past all that by now. It sounds like this girl still has no idea what she wants, and I have a bad feeling this is just going to be a vicious cycle for you. This is turning into a cicrus, and your post spells that out for all of us. You can really tell how your post trails off into how its not really going that well at all. I feel for you though because I can see you really want this to work. Im not saying it won't, but at this rate you are just going to burn yourself out. Playing the game is one thing, but she is STILL playing with you. Gifts don't mean crap either, I got a birthday gift ($200 wallett) from my ex after we broke up, and a month later she was engaged... Just be careful man, she STILL has you right where she wants you, and she knows it.

[talaniman]

Your problem is easy!You are the one who needs to take the time to THINK!Make yourself unavailable to every one and find yourself a nice quiet place,do not call or e-mail this woman until your comfortable.Give her and yourself the time you need to make a good decision on your feelings!YOU deserve to find out where your going from here!! Give it a week and keep your mouth shut and see what happens!EYES wide open!:cool:

[lost??]

Hey man, I have no idea what to tell you. My ex of over two years did the same thing to me back in November. She used to always tell me that we belonged together and that shed love me forever and wanted us to get married. And we're both young too (im 21 and she's 19). I feel like you and I are in the same place, not knowing whether to hold on or let go. And I know I don't have to tell you how much its sucks. But it does get better. I'm not saying I'm over her, trust me I'm nowhere near it. And she tells me that she loves me and that a part of her wants us to be together. She also said that if I got together with someone else shed be upset but has no right to get mad at me. And she doesn't. Right now I don't know if I want to move on or not. We're still on the whole break thing but I'm telling you it will get better. I know it was terrible being alone for the holidays... I was there with you. I can't tell you what to do because I have no idea what to do in my own life. But like I said before, it seems like you and I are in the same situation so if you ever need someone to talk to I think we could really help each other out. If you want you can post your e-mail or give me another way to get in contact. If you don't want to I understand but right now, if nothing else, rely on your friends and family. Over this break I realized how amazing they are and that they, not her, are the ones who are always there for you. If you want to talk give me a way to get into contact and trust me, things will get better. It'll take a while like it is for me but you just got to keep your head up and stay strong. That's what I'm trying to do. I know how hard it is but remember you have your friends and family to fall back on. You're not alone.

[heepr]

Thanks for the support everyone..

I feel for you lost. It's tough. Sounds like a mirror image of my situation, kind of weird how similar they are.

I like the idea of making myself unavailable. I know if I do that, she will seek me out (or see me around this tiny campus anyways) and since she can always read my emotions, she'll know that I'm not really happy.

I think I've been in mild denial about all this, and she might be too. What contact we do have just makes it seem like we're still together, but it's pretty clear that she doesn't want to talk about our status as proof that we aren't. I still don't think she's decided what that was- she's even gone so far as to say "when I broke up with you for a few days".. It really seems like the ball's always in her court, which I know doesn't make me very appealing. Jeff, you hit the nail on the head about this tearing me up- I go from sad to mad to happy depending on her behavior that day. I know the best thing is to just be your honest self, but being a basketcase is going to be the easiest way to drive her away. I need to get some balance back in my life- I had all my eggs in one basket with this girl. I'm torn between wanting her back more than ever and wondering whether she's worth all this trouble.

These are some good ideas, let's hear more..

[heepr]

Time for another update, even though very soon:

We have a saying that we always said to mean happy anniversary each month... Both of us use AIM on the computer and left it in our profiles even after we technically broke up. Mine had been big, but tonight I reduced the size of it. She asked me about it and assumed that it must mean I was less into her now.. She got upset and I ended up going to calm her down. It turned out to be a definite reversal of roles.. She said that it seemed like it had always been her "in control" (which I would have to sadly agree with), and that it was like we'd switched places. She said she was very confused again, and scared. Little did I know that yesterday after we hung out she'd started feeling "good again." So I may have messed up there, but I'll hope for the best.

I'm not sure if this is playing games with her, but I do know that the ball is in my court now. Rather than whining about everything and telling her to make up her mind, now hopefully she wants to get me back as interested in her as I'm hoping she is in me. She says she hates the idea of me being OK without her.. What should I say to that? The one thing I'm worried about is recently there has been a lot of drama (crying on her part) when we've seen each other or had serious talks.. That surely isn't fun for her and won't conjure up good feelings when she thinks of me. But otherwise, I think it went OK, and was at least strategically the right thing to do to show her that I might not always put up with her indecision and mixed feelings.

[talaniman]

Honesty and self respect is not a game demand both!:cool:Don't settle for less!

[talaniman]

Life is not a game! People emotions are not a game to be played with!Crying is a lot of water and I sort of commend your compassion ,but don't get played by someone who can read you so well and knows what button to push. This is exactly why you need distance to see what's happening right in front of your face.The ball was in your court!you lost serve DUDE.Stop looking out for her feeling and look out for yourself! Her game is control and every time you stand up she comes back with boo hoo me and you GEEZ! Go to Indiana,deer hunting for a week,no gun needed but just go!:cool: :eek: :D

[talaniman]

Time for another update, even though very soon:

.
I'm not sure if this is playing games with her, but I do know that the ball is in my court now. Rather than whining about everything and telling her to make up her mind, now hopefully she wants to get me back as interested in her as I'm hoping she is in me. She says she hates the idea of me being ok without her.. What should I say to that?? The one thing I'm worried about is recently there has been a lot of drama (crying on her part) when we've seen each other or had serious talks.. That surely isn't fun for her and won't conjure up good feelings when she thinks of me. But otherwise, I think it went OK, and was at least strategically the right thing to do to show her that I might not always put up with her indecision and mixed feelings.

Be honest does this sound like the ball is in your court or are you letting her back in control with the teary eye thing/Tell her your going deer hunting in Indiana and will be back in a couple of months!:cool: :eek:serious!

[heepr]

She was the one that said she didn't feel in control anymore. I'm hoping she knows that I don't want to put up with the runaround like I have been. Thanks for the outside opinions, it's not really possible for me to physically get away for a while, so it's hard to see the situation objectively.

Hopefully the drama will stay to a minimum from here on out.

[jeffatl]

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again."

I agree. Relationships can be the best thing, and the worst at the same time. Women can make you do some CRAZY things at times, but the most important thing is to REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!! NOBODY!! Is worth changing that for PERIOD. Values and morals are things that set men apart form boys here my friend, please don't lose sight of those. Only YOU have the power to help yourself now, and a lot of times that can really humble you. It really pains me to see someone going through the same situation that I did about a month ago, and it will reall take something that slaps you in the face to drive the point home. The big thing for you now is to learn from this experience, I in a lot of ways cherish my last relationship because it not only taught me a lot about myslef, but a lot about hwat I want in a woman. Some people on here will tell you its all about the "tests" and "how you play the game" but its not! Its about who you can be yourself around, and who you can trust. Being you should ALWAYS be #1, NO acceptions. Don't get me wrong here, I love the chace and getting to know people, but you have to get back to who you are, and you should be proud of yourself or you have NOTHING to offer. Loves will come and go, but don't be bitter. Learn from this experience and build your confidence in who you are. This is what women want. Someone that can man up and be the person that they are and nothing more (or less). You are a passionate guy and you should reward a WOMAN with that, not some little girl that wants to dilly dally around "emotions" and "feelings" because she doesn't know what she wants right now. NEVER sacrifice who you are, or your feelings. What will happen if you do in fact get back with her now? Every time she starts acting different you are going to resort back to pulling back, and give her a reason to pull this again. MOST of the time situations like this never esolve themselves because one or both parties are holding on to something that BOTH know should just end plain and simple. I hate to say it, but you are just setting yourself up on this one to become bitter and scared to get serious with another WOMAN. Open your eyes and listen on this one bud. I know its hard and this post is long, but I only have YOU in mind here. Should that be your main focus here as well?;)

[talaniman]

Heeper-Now that's the truth plain and simple! Experience is a hell of a teacher!:cool:

[heepr]

I think you're right jeff. Focusing on me is going to be the best thing. The last thing I need to be doing at this point is torturing myself over her feelings. Catering to her every need and being torn up and unconfident are not very attractive. And even if it doesn't work out, focusing on myself will make me stronger and learn what I want.