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oneguyinohio · Nov 29, 2007, 10:22 PM

I want to get some feedback about a personal situation.

I'm divorced for over 7 years. Never been in a relationship since the split-up.

I have a 10 year old son who makes me incredibly happy! I see my son often but he does not live with me. I live about an hour away. I want to move closer, but it is an expensive area to live. I've looked for work there without success.

I work at a low paying job, so money is often tight. Most of my extra goes to my son. I am paid up a year in advance on child support. I am also in college working toward a doctoral degree... so I'm not a dead beat or unintelligent person. I do what I believe is best for my son. He goes to a private school, and I also pay for a lot of extras such as sports above the child support payments...

At times I miss being in a relationship and get very lonely. But at other times the whole thought of time, effort, money, and thoughts of all the potential hassles make me not even want to think about another relationship. I also don't want a situation that would take away from or hamper my relationship with my son.

Basically, I would like to have my old life back, but know that my ex wants nothing to do with that idea... so I don't necessarily mean with her... the whole divorce caught me off guard and I never saw it coming... If I could rub a magic lamp and get my wish, it would be to be in another relationship where I thought the person loved me... as well as not messing up my relationship with my son.

I've gone through the phase of looking hard and trying to make a new situation happen, but am now to the point of bouncing back and forth between an undecided mode of not looking for anyone but wondering if I will ever have that type of relationship in my life? Good quality people that would interest me are not exactly knocking on my door.

Rather than hearing comments about just waiting for the right one to come along, I am hoping for ideas or thoughts on both what I can do to at least make myself feel attractive to potentials, and thoughts about feeling like it might be worth it? I'm not going to jump into any relationship just to have one...

Is this a situation that others deal with?

Clough · Nov 29, 2007, 11:38 PM

I have been divorced for a very long time. When I got divorced my kids were somewhat younger than your son is now. So, your situation is something like I have dealt with in the past. You say that you are paid up a year in advance in child support! Wow! What an incredible thing to do! Very admirable! :)

My first question for you then, is there something about you that you think might make you appear to be unattractive to someone else with whom you might be interested on a personal and intimate level?

oneguyinohio · Nov 29, 2007, 11:55 PM

Well, I have a couple of fake teeth that I've had since an accident in 4th grade and that has been on my mind for years... That accident also resulted in a deformity in my teeth or bone structure at the front of my mouth that my dentist pointed out to me... It does have some impact on the sound of my speech but is not obvious otherwise... I've never had anyone say anything about my voice other than to ask if I was from a foreign country do to my speech sounding different... been asked that numerous times though...

Other areas I would add are low paying job, little free time, and sometimes laid back or sloppy appearance... that one is a given but hard to overcome the feelings of who cares anyway sometimes... Oh, snd also I wonder about my age... I'm not looking for an 18 year old or anything like that but my most recent relationship began 20 years ago and lasted for 13 years... plus 7 since divorce to get me where I am now... so that whole scene makes me feel out of place...

Wondergirl · Nov 30, 2007, 12:10 AM

Do you like to read? I have an idea for meeting women: Join your library's book discussion group. Some libraries even have a non-fiction group (or be the catalyst who helps start one!).

Usually the book discussion group spends a month reading a chosen fiction book (a mystery or a classic or a contemporary fiction). Rarely is a romance chosen unless it has other characteristics, although there probably are romance discussion groups too.

Sooooooooo, if you want to meet and chat with women, join a book discussion group. The group would love to have a few males sitting around with them to present a male point of view. You might also get some free food or snacks. And no, the women in the group may not be what you are looking for, but guess what?? Those women have single women friends, daughters, nieces, cousins, business partners, neighbors.

How hard would it be to read a book during a month's time and then sit around for a couple of hours one evening (or morning or afternoon) with a bunch of women who like to talk?

Clough · Nov 30, 2007, 12:10 AM

So, now that you've listed some possible negatives as far as, and I will now add, you feeling good about yourself and also being potentially attractive to someone else, how about listing some additional positives about yourself, other than what you have already listed in your original post here?

I would really like to discuss this further with you, if you have the time. I believe that we have a lot in common!

Wondergirl · Nov 30, 2007, 12:15 AM

Hmmm, or what about helping start a writing or arts group at your friendly local library? That goes for Clough too... Clough could even present programs on thumb pianos, music appreciation, a piano concert or a sing-along (Ho ho ho--It's Christmas at the library! Let's sing! ). Maybe oneguy has a special talent that he could present at a library program.

Clough · Nov 30, 2007, 12:17 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Hmmm, or what about helping start a writing or arts group at your friendly local library? That goes for Clough too.... Clough could even present programs on thumb pianos, music appreciation, a piano concert or a sing-along (Ho ho ho--It's Christmas at the library!! Let's sing!!). Maybe oneguy has a special talent that he could present at a library program.

That could be very true for oneguyinohio!

Wondergirl · Nov 30, 2007, 12:20 AM

Or oneguy could help out with the local Boy Scout troop or become a volunteer at the local animal shelter or hospital or public library (we're talkin' 2-3 hrs a week here... ).

Clough · Nov 30, 2007, 01:24 AM

Originally Posted by Clough

So, now that you've listed some possible negatives as far as, and I will now add, you feeling good about yourself and also being potentially attractive to someone else, how about listing some additional positives about yourself, other than what you have already listed in your original post here?

I would really like to discuss this further with you, if you have the time. I believe that we have a lot in common!

I did receive your private message, oneguyinohio. And, I do appreciate that! Thank you for sharing some additional things about yourself. I also shared with you some additional things about myself. We do have a lot in common!

Also, I indicated to you in my reply to your private message, that in order to preserve the integrity, etc. of this thread, that it would be best to continue on this thread for the potential benefit of others who might be in a similar situation as you. If there is something that you really do feel uncomfortable in posting on your thread, then it's okay not to post it.

If you are comfortable with posting the positive things about you on this thread in response to the question that I have quoted above, please do. I know that there are plenty more things that are positive about you other than what you had posted in your private message!

A couple of things that I might note now that are very attractive and also positive about you, is your desire to be helpful and the knowledge that you already have. You have already made some very helpful and knowledgeable comments to other folks on other threads located on this site!

I would like to ask you now what it is that you are getting your doctorate in?

I, and also we, are looking forward to continued dialogue with you! :)

Wondergirl · Nov 30, 2007, 01:27 AM

At the public library where I work, I supervise several single/divorced volunteer ladies who are in their 30s and early 40s.

Just mentioning that in case...

Clough · Nov 30, 2007, 01:49 AM

I think that it would be best if we wait until oneguyinohio returns in order to take all of this in and take his time as he sees fit to reply to the responses that have been given.

We are on the verge of too much information here!

It is oneguyinonio's turn now... We all look forward to further dialogue with oneguyinohio here!

mjl · Nov 30, 2007, 06:59 PM

You sound like a great guy! You should have no troubly finding a women. Have you tried online dating?

oneguyinohio · Nov 30, 2007, 08:50 PM

Originally Posted by oneguyinohio

I am hoping for ideas or thoughts on both what I can do to at least make myself feel attractive to potentials, and thoughts about feeling like it might be worth it?

I want to thank all of you who are showing an interest in my posting. I appreciate it very much. I wanted to try to focus in on the above quote.

I appreciate all of your ideas so far, but really want to narrow in on the above quote. I think my earlier messages are a good "metaphor" for the way my life seems right now... not very focused because of going rapidly in many directions, and trying to make sense of it all. Trying to make everything jel together into one nice life.

My feelings are probably partially a result of going in so many directions at once. I mean I want all of the things tremendously, but am evidently being pulled this way and that so much that I don't seem to be reaching any of my goals. That is what I am struggling with and why I am feeling like some goals may not be worth it...

Clough · Nov 30, 2007, 08:56 PM

Hello, oneguyinohio!

Some goals may not be worth it. We can only do so many things and if we want to do those things well, then it takes time to do them well. I personally, want to do a lot of things. However, my desire to do that sometimes gets me in trouble because I have trouble completing some of those things that I have sought out to do. This causes frustration for both myself and others for whom I have tried to do things.

Clough · Dec 2, 2007, 01:55 AM

I still would appreciate knowing what it is that you are working toward as far as a doctoral degree? Thank you!

oneguyinohio · Dec 2, 2007, 08:01 PM

Counselor Education for the Doctoral degree. I have a master's in Rehabilitation Counseling, Teaching certification in elementary and develpmentally handicapped education, as well as a bachelor's degree with a double major in Psychology and Business Administration. Most of my work experience involves direct care for disabled individuals, and I have also been a school teacher in a large inner city district.

Clough · Dec 3, 2007, 02:47 AM

Thanks for answering! Looks like we have even more in common with each other. I too have had experience teaching at schools in an inner-city setting.

It does sound like you have a lot on your plate. Goals, school, etc. Although, I'm not sure about the activities outside of those. If you were to have the opportunity for an intimate relationship, would you be able to devote the time required in order to maintain the relationship considering the possible schedules and desires of both you and the person with whom you might become intimate?

Do you have any hobbies outside of the work and school things that you do? What are your interests beyond those that put bread on you and your son's table?

N0help4u · Dec 3, 2007, 06:43 AM

Good luck. I am N0help cause I have found that even when you think you have found someone decent they turn out to be the total opposite of what they claim. SO personally,
I have chosen the wait until... option and maybe will find 'the right one' by the time
The old folks home creeps up on me (God knows I'd rather die than end up there)
S0
N0hope4me

NAQUIN · Dec 15, 2007, 03:57 PM

Hi
Just wanted to know if you if you are successful in dating. I am now in your situation and I want to start dating as well. Not ready for a serious relationship though.

If you are dating, how and where did you get started?

oneguyinohio · Dec 15, 2007, 04:14 PM

I've gone on a few dinner dates, but nothing more than that. My family tried to set me up with a couple of people, but it was kind of surprising to meet the people they paired me with... Nothing in common with them at all... I think they just picked the first single person looking for someone and thought of me??

My best advice is to do things that you enjoy, and try to meet other singles doing it as well. There is no promise of any success as I have found, but that might be my own issues causing that? Pick things you like to do, then try to figure out how you could do that in an environment where you might meet someone... I mean playing poker with a group of 5-10 guys isn't likely to help, but there might be some other singles group that plays cards... just one example not that it has to be that one...

You'll have to take my advice for what it is worth... I don't think I would be considered a success at dating right now.