Check out some similar questions!

LancerLady1234 · Nov 13, 2007, 08:28 AM

Hello all.
I submitted a question back in September about myself and my ex. We were dating for 3 years. August was our 3 year anniversary and about a week and a half after that he broke up with me. Also take in mind we were living in a house together as well. Which made it even more difficult to cope with. I went through a lot of pain just like everyone else does. I lost weight, wasn't eating much, missed about 4 days of work after the break up. I still am not completely together yet. Right now I'm living on my own in an apartment with our dog. Its really hard being on your own. Take in mind ill be 21 soon but I'm still young. So lately I haven't been contacting the ex. I heard it's the best thing to do and he told me he doesn't want to be bothered a whole lot. He said to keep phone calls and emails to just about a stop. He called one day and apologized for the way he was acting but still said about not really talking and all, but yet he says we are friends. So why can't we talk and all. Anyway he calls me like a week and a half later and asks me if I was available and was going to come over and order food and eat dinner with me.(he said just as friends) with the kind of person I am and because I am so in love with this guy I accepted. We had a good time. I didn't bring up us or anything about our relationship we had. I tried to keep calm and be cheerful and not cry or anything. I did a great job with that. When he left my house he said again he still wants to keep not talking but an email here and there is OK. So he says he doesn't want to be bothered but yet he comes and eats dinner with me. If you ask me this makes no sense. He is confused and admits he is confused. I just don't understand what is going on. Why is he being like this. Does he really still want to be with me, was he trying to be nosy and see how things were going or what. It makes no sense because he acts like towards his friends him and I will never get back together but he seems to be different towards me. Does he just not want to hurt my feelings and just tell me a lie. I have already been hurt as much as I can so by him telling me the truth won't make things any worse. It sometimes seems like he's trying to find a new girlfriend too. If he does find someone will she just be a "rebound"? I know I have been changing and becoming a better person but the only way I can show him that is if he lets me prove that to him. It almost seems to me as if he doesn't want to get rid of me completely so he is trying to keep me to the side just in case he wants to run back to me. I don't want to be put on hold but its like I would wait for him if I had to. If someone could give me some guidance I would appreciate it. Thanks to all who are reading and responding.

Lancerlady

Ash123 · Nov 13, 2007, 08:36 AM

PLEASE let it go.

The only way to get your life back and a man's attention is to head full speed in the other direction when he starts to turn you into a convenient buddy.

He says: No calls and emails... but a dinner here and there is OK. NO WAY!

He likes the friendship and is putting you on hold.

There is NO/ZERO/NADA upside for you.

Rooting for you. But believe me, if you have a future - it is by going AWAY... and looking for someone new - and if fate brings yoou back so be it... if not, a new man will bring respect and love.

Hear me now. Believe me later.

GOOD LUCK LANCER!

LancerLady1234 · Nov 13, 2007, 09:07 AM

Thanks for the advice. I will consider.
Lancerlady

Originally Posted by Ash123

PLEASE let it go.

The only way to get your life back and a man's attention is to head full speed in the other direction when he starts to turn you into a convenient buddy.

He says: No calls and emails....but a dinner here and there is ok. NO WAY!

He likes the friendship and is putting you on hold.

There is NO/ZERO/NADA upside for you.

Rooting for you. But believe me, if you have a future - it is by going AWAY.....and looking for someone new - and if fate brings yoou back so be it....if not, a new man will bring respect and love.

Hear me now. Believe me later.

GOOD LUCK LANCER!

jolienoire · Nov 13, 2007, 09:11 AM

LOOK FORWARD AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHINDUmmm.. You are giving him too much control.. Don't call him or answer his phone, No dinner dates, and no emails.. I know in these days it's so easy to reach out and touch someone.. But that doesn't mean we have to.. Change your number don't take his calls. Every time you probably feel you are healing he comes right back in your life and bring you right back to square one, and then when he leaves you start feeling sorry for yourself.. I am not saying you can't be friends later in life, but right now you need your time.. Loneliness comes from being bored, keep yourself busy.. But don't let him have control over the situation because the realityone can only do to us what we allow.. Take control.. Be happy.. Take this as a lesson..
LOOK FORWARD AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND

LancerLady1234 · Nov 13, 2007, 09:30 AM

Thank you for the advice and reading my question.

Originally Posted by jolienoire

LOOK FORWARD AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHINDUmmm .. You are giving him to much control.. Don't call him or answer his phone, No dinner dates, and no emails.. I know in these days it's so easy to reach out and touch someone.. But that doesnt' mean we have to.. Change your number don't take his calls. Everytime you probably feel you are healing he comes right back in your life and bring you right back to square one, and then when he leaves you start feeling sorry for yourself.. I am not saying you can't be friends later in life, but right now you need your time.. Loneliness comes from being bored, keep yourself busy.. But don't let him have control over the situation because the realityone can only do to us what we allow.. Take control.. Be happy.. Take this as a lesson..
LOOK FORWARD AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND

cerisa · Nov 13, 2007, 12:53 PM

He is making his own life now, please take care of yourself, and do the same. Get involved with something to do that will get your mind off him. You are so young, there are better things to do with your time. And IF, IF, IF, he should return, how would you feel about trusting again with someone so insensitive to your pain?

jolienoire · Nov 13, 2007, 12:55 PM

Originally Posted by cerisa

He is making his own life now, please take care of yourself, and do the same. Get involved with something to do that will get your mind off of him. You are so young, there are better things to do with your time. And IF, IF, IF, he should return, how would you feel about trusting again with someone so insensitive to your pain?

jasondbel · Nov 13, 2007, 01:08 PM

What have you done to him to hurt him to the point where you have to say you are changing for the better? Seems to me this guy wants to be with you when he's away. He tries to stay away but its overwhelming and he must see you. Once he sees you the hurt and pain comes back then he has to go. Once a relationship is tainted that's it. You can hold on if you want but there will always be anger. Time is the only thing that heals. Space and time. Let him go. Try again in 6 months or a year. Right now at your age a year seems like eternity but when you get older a year is really not that long. Go find yourself. Work hard achieve some goals. The only people that keep going back into a miserable relationship are the people who are lonely not alone but lonely. Being lonely means you are not content with yourself. Means you are not confident in who you are.
Or... he really wants it over or he could be trying to make you kiss his . He wants you to sweat him. Run after him but if you have to do that then put that energy into enhancing your own person. That's my ten cents

LancerLady1234 · Nov 13, 2007, 01:15 PM

Well he broke up with me because he said I am too needy and need to be more independent and find things to do on my own. When he would want to go somewhere I would be like well what am I suppose to do. Or when he was out I would call and check on him. I guess that would be an insecurity feeling. We argued a good bit and there was some things he did that I did not like. I always worried about him checking out other girls and this and that. I had a little bit of a trust issue as well, but now I don't even care about stupid things like that. That's why I want to prove to him I can change and be different. Thanks for your advice. You are more then welcome to write back. Thanks.
Lancerlady

Originally Posted by jasondbel

what have you done to him to hurt him to the point where you have to say you are changing for the better? Seems to me this guy wants to be with you when hes away. He tries to stay away but its overwhelming and he must see you. Once he sees you the hurt and pain comes back then he has to go. Once a relationship is tainted thats it. You can hold on if you want but there will always be anger. Time is the only thing that heals. Space and time. Let him go. Try again in 6 months or a year. Right now at your age a year seems like eternity but when you get older a year is really not that long. Go find yourself. Work hard achieve some goals. The only people that keep going back into a miserable relationship are the people who are lonely not alone but lonely. Being lonely means you are not content with yourself. Means you are not confident in who you are.
or...he really wants it over or he could be trying to make you kiss his . He wants you to sweat him. Run after him but if you have to do that then put that energy into enhancing your own person. Thats my ten cents

jasondbel · Nov 13, 2007, 01:42 PM

well the next question would be why are you lonely? Why don't you indulge yourself into fun things that you and only you like to do? That's not an easy question to answer at your age. Also, was it an instinct a feeling in your gut that you felt the need to check in on him? Is that something you do in past relationships or just with him? If it was just with him id say then maybe he did something that you caught in the beginning that broke your trust maybe it was something really small but that small betrayal or small lie or whatever goes a long way. If it was always in all your relationships then you could be insecure. Sometimes that goes away when you challenge yourself. Strive to succeed at something and when you conquer that quest move on to another quest. The better you feel about yourself the better you can handle stressors. Do you paint? Im an x thug in my younger days. When I pulled out some canvas and paint to a bunch of guys with guns they clowned me for a minute then all picked up brushes put in and painted this masterpiece. The gym is great too. You could have a co dependency addiction. A/A works wonders. Meet cool people all have some for of addiction. Not everyone at A/A is an alcoholic. ONe thing everyone there is about is the bettering of mankind. Getting out of depression and staying clean. You might like it. For only a buck some of the most brilliant minds speak at A/A in an hour.

LancerLady1234 · Nov 13, 2007, 01:56 PM

Yeah I did catch him in one thing I didn't appreciate too much and he shouldn't have done it either. I couldn't stand when he talked to girls on the phone either. It drove me nuts. I guess you could say he lost some freedom and friends with being with me. Yeah I do need to find some hobbys. As I said earlier I'm almost 21 and I live on my own in an apartment just me and my dog. So I go home in the evenings and get so bored so I get on myspace and the internet and watch TV. That's about it. I need things to keep me busy. I use to go to the gym but now I can't afford it. I don't have extra money for that. I should exercise since I have lost weight I could keep it off. People tell me to focus on myself. Do things for me and treat myself sometimes.

Originally Posted by jasondbel

well the next question would be why are you lonely? Why dont you indulge yourself into fun things that you and only you like to do? Thats not an easy question to answer at your age. Also, was it an instinct a feeling in your gut that you felt the need to check in on him? Is that something you do in past relationships or just with him? If it was just with him id say then maybe he did something that you caught in the beginning that broke your trust maybe it was something really small but that small betrayal or small lie or whatever goes a long way. If it was always in all your relationships then you could be insecure. Sometimes that goes away when you challenge yourself. Strive to succeed at something and when you conquer that quest move on to another quest. The better you feel about yourself the better you can handle stressors. Do you paint? Im an x thug in my younger days. When i pulled out some canvas and paint to a bunch of guys with guns they clowned me for a minute then all picked up brushes put in and painted this masterpiece. The gym is great too. You could have a co dependency addiction. A/A works wonders. Meet cool people all have some for of addiction. Not everyone at A/A is an alcoholic. ONe thing everyone there is about is the bettering of mankind. Getting out of depression and staying clean. You might like it. For only a buck some of the most brilliant minds speak at A/A in an hour.

jasondbel · Nov 13, 2007, 02:15 PM

Yeah, he started it. He created who you have become. That was your gut instinct and usually as bad as it hurts and you don't want it to be right it is. You have to move on. You sound attractive I'm sure with time (maybe a month) you will be over him and regaining yourself energy which in turn helps you to feel alive again and a knew love will come along. There is always another around the corner. Bitter sweat breakup. Yeah a gym is expensive. Get a second job. Try and fork out a few dollars for a book called energy vampires. I think that would help u.

LancerLady1234 · Nov 13, 2007, 06:46 PM

Yeah its his fault that I had a whole trust issue with him. If it wasn't for that I would have been OK about almost everything. I'm going to act like I'm moving on and see how he reacts to that and still no contact. Its been about a good weeks I think since I have tried to contact him only he has contacted me since. Yeah I think I'm attractive and have lost weight which is fine by me but I didn't really need to. Anyway yeah I will have to wait and see what happens. Ill let you know if I get any good updates. Thanks again:)

Originally Posted by jasondbel

yeah, he started it. he created who you have become. That was your gut instinct and usually as bad as it hurts and you dont want it to be right it is. You have to move on. You sound attractive im sure with time (maybe a month) you will be over him and regaining your self energy which in turn helps you to feel alive again and a knew love will come along. There is always another around the corner. Bitter sweat breakup. Yeah a gym is expensive. Get a second job. Try and fork out a few dollars for a book called energy vampires. I think that would help u.

Ash123 · Nov 13, 2007, 07:08 PM

"i'm going to act like im moving on and see how he reacts to that..."

Ummm, no.

Waiting to see what he does next is not how to do this. You are young and in love and in need of self-assurance - but learn now instead of later. You need to go out and get yourself moving in another direction. Only then will you be in control.

I'm rooting foor you.

jasondbel · Nov 13, 2007, 11:58 PM

Very true. Do not waste anymore time its not worth it. Really its not. There is a guy out there that will not end it with you because of issues. Get your game tight. Then fall in love

candialicia · Nov 18, 2007, 11:35 PM

I am in the same situation, and I feel as though it is a sign that I saw your question. We were together for 4 years, moved in together. He said I was insecure and jealous, and said that he no longer wanted to be with me. Then he moved out, so now I am living on my own, and it sucks so bad. We don't really talk that much, but every now and then he calls me, but says he cannot see me. I don't know if he is talking to another girl or anyhting, it all happened about 4 weeks ago. It sucks, and I am going through the same thing, so maybe we can talk, and put our heads together, and support each other thuough it. Its good to see someone else going through the same thing. Let me know, and anytime, I would love to talk about our situations, and try to help each other! :)