[Kiora]

I am 10 years older than my husband and have already been divorced once. I thought going into this new marriage I was ready to face the things I have learned already from experience. Not the case. He and I have a lot of similar interests, gaming, poker, outdoors and we can fight about any of them at any time. We are both competitive but he really has a hard time praising me cause it would damage his own ego. When my husband and I argue it starts by small things. I start trying to express my feelings or viewpoint on the matter and he starts ignoring me, I say his name and he says "huh" then I ask " Were you listening?" he says "sorry ask again" so I do, ignored again, I repeat the same thing again and by the 3rd time I'm raising my voice. Then he sits up looks at me and says he can't talk to me when I'm yelling!! It drives me crazy! Everything elevates and I either can't stop screaming or I'm bawling my eyes out. Then he really starts ignoring me. Knowing how much it hurts me and bothers me. When I ask how he can be so mean, he says "he doesn't care about anything I have to say and he doesn't care about my feelings and tells me to just shut up" and he shows it to the hilt. If he leaves I follow him ( I know it's not right) but I just want to be important and I think maybe something I say will help him understand that. Now I realize I can be very abusive at times, I have throwing things at him in frustration, tried to manipulate, threaten to even take my own life because I don't feel I matter to him. A lot of the time to get him to care, or for the attention to prove that I know he cares about me. It's a bad cycle and I have tried many things to get back to neutral. We have been in counseling and even there he feels it's biased. There are 2 children involved and I want my kids to see and understand the correct way to function in a relationship. What else can I do? Any thoughts and advice are welcome.

[NowWhat]

When you try to talk to him - what is he doing? What has him distracted? Is he watching TV or something?
Is it like this every time you try to talk to him?
I would continue the counseling. If he doesn't want to go - go by yourself. It sounds like you need some individual time.
Threating to take your own life to get attention is a bit extreme and unhealthy.

You said you know he cares about you - how does he show it? How do you know?

Are the kids yours together? Or are they from your previous marriage?

[Kiora]

When you try to talk to him - what is he doing? What has him distracted? Is he watching tv or something?
Is it like this every time you try to talk to him?
I would continue the counseling. If he doesn't want to go - go by yourself. It sounds like you need some individual time.
Threating to take your own life to get attention is a bit extreme and unhealthy.

You said you know he cares about you - how does he show it? How do you know?

Are the kids yours together? Or are they from your previous marriage?

When I am talking to him he says let's talk about it cause if we don't you'll take all night to get through it. When I start talking he sits folding his arms and closing his eyes. And yes it is like this almost every time we have a disagreement and I am trying to explain my viewpoint or interpretation.

I know threating to take my own life is very extreme, but in many ways I am desperate to not have another failed marriage.

Now that you bring that up about how I know he cares about me. He used to show it all the time in writing me little poems or initiating conversation and showing affection. He rarely does that any more, the only thing he does do is show affection when he wants it or needs it.

My daughter is from the previous marriage and she is almost 5. We had a son together in January and he is now 10 months old.

He says all the time that he gets frustrated with me because I am not more direct and he lacks patience because he's tired or frustrated. Yet he won't get to sleep at a decent time cause the computer calls to him for any free moment he has.

Thank you for replying! :)

[NowWhat]

It sounds like a true lack of communication. Neither of you know how to communicate with one another. Nothing is getting accomplished.
Counselling should help with that. If he feels it is biased - is it because you do most of the talking? (that's how my husband felt) let him talk. Let the counselor guide you.

When talking to him - try starting your sentences with "I feel this because.." not "You never or you always". It can come across confrontational.
Ask more questions - giving him time to respond. Also, this will give him an opportunity to talk more.

As far as protecting yourself from another failed marriage - if this is to work or not can't have anything to do with your past.
You two have to come together. YOU alone can not make a marriage work. He has to meet you half way.

[N0help4u]

I use to have similar problems with my kids and my ex. I never did the extreme things like yelling, throwing and idle threats. I think he does what he is doing because he wants to 'push the drama queens buttons'. Often times when someone sees that kind of behavior in someone they are disagreeing with they automatically decide they are right by default and nothing you say is valid because you 'must be a nut case'. That is how guys see it!!

Next time you see it is one of those times starting up again go in your room and write everything you want to say down. He will read it and then, I about guarantee, claim he didn't understand what you were saying or what your point was but that is part of the game they play. Still don't argue or raise your voice. Tell him to specify with questions exactly what he didn't understand.
It will throw him off enough though to see you aren't falling into the trap again though.