[J_9]

Good, I'm glad you got a doc who listens. That is very important. Some docs just think that the world revolves around them.

Oh, yeah, I was going to go lay down. Toodles.

[KBC]

OK,I am feeling very homicidal tonight,have been for about,ummm, a few days now,since preacherman judged my response to the post,man did that upset me,now I have gotten many PM's and other posters showing their support.

It's becoming an obsession, this hatred, I am even bringing it up in my support groups, My buddy is rolling his eyes at my repeated stories, same theme, different day...

My daughter is driving me batty also, I wonder if it is all me and my perspective, or a few situational processes which combined are becoming a larger stress issue.

Maybe its just that I am becoming more critical of the world as a whole, I haven't been able to find the answers yet, my mind clouds with fury when I think about most of this for too long, my heart beats strong and hard for release, release of anger and violence.

Soon I believe, I will either act-out , someway, and either become depressed(feeling guilty for doing something I probably shouldn't do) or the other swing, go high road manic and get hospitalized( that hasn't been my way for over 20 years though)It feels as though it is coming to a head.

Tomorrow, I see the mad doc,, OH I mean Med doc,, and will bring this post in with me, just to see what he suggests,who knows , he might have a solution for this madness.

[J_9]

Ken, I am so sorry you are feeling like this, but you know that acting out would be wrong. What would it solve other than you getting into trouble?

I understand that it's hard going through a time like this, it really is, but you know as well as I do that acting out would serve no real purpose.

We all get critical from time to time, that's goes for all of us. Yes, you can blame it on the depression, but is that what it really is? Nah, I feel like that too once in a while.

Maybe you will go high road, I hope not. I hope you don't take either path, but stay on the straight and narrow.

I haven't read the thread that upset you so much. But there have been some for me too that upset me beyond belief. But I have to remember that these are just words on a screen and if the people actually KNEW me, they may not say what they say.

There is a certain degree of "comfort", if you will for lack of a better word, for people to post just anything they want to say, not taking feelings into account, at a place like this. And I have to remember that when people get me riled up. Sometimes it's just better to walk away for a short time.

Please keep me posted as to what the Med Doc says tomorrow. Lucky you have one that will listen.

[KBC]

Tomorrow is today... lol

Again my sleep was short lived and we're going to have a change of meds, I just feel it coming on.

3 hours and counting, not like it is going to be a cure all, just to be heard by a professional, in a face to face, there is a certain clarity and security in seeing someone treating you in person.

This isn't saying I don't appreciate you J.

Trust me, You are a great help for me in AMHD,I value your input and advice greatly.

I'll post what I get answers to today,Open mind,willing,accepting,honest,, My mantra before seeing the pros... :)

Had a few hours sleep and need more, just not yet.

Hope the test is awesome for you today(I think I saw that somewhere else on site)you'll do great.;)

Thank you for your support,

Ken

[J_9]

Oh, tomorrow is today, see how tired I am from studying, I didn't even look at the post time, silly me.

Ken, I know you are very appreciative, I hope you didn't take what I said wrong. I know you are.

I hope everything went well today, please keep me posted.

[asking]

I did it again. I took a half a methadone tablet to the kitchen to take it with water this morning, had a bowl of cereal and never took the methadone. By noon I was in withdrawal and feeling overwhelmed. I felt like I would never be able to cope with all the things I have to do--write a book, take care of my kids, manage my finances, etc. I finally took "another" half pill, feeling angry with myself for my weakness in having to take more than my allotted dose. I then slept for two hours, got up and was able to function and pay bills, talk to my son when he got home from school. Later, I found the pill I hadn't taken.
Oh.
I proceeded to blame myself for that too. Not allowed to make mistakes. I have been coming back here to see how KBC is doing. Well, I hope.
Asking

[KBC]

Oh, tomorrow is today, see how tired I am from studying, I didn't even look at the post time, silly me.

Ken, I know you are very appreciative, I hope you didn't take what I said wrong. I know you are.

I hope everything went well today, please keep me posted.

Wrong? I don't think so, respecting friends opinions is a good sign of recovering,'constructive criticism' is commonplace, and necessary.Is all good over here:)

My therapist was out sick, but the replacement was a really awesome guy, we hit it off right off the bat, DR was typically quick and to the point, prescribed ABILIFY along with the rest of the meds I am on, No other changes yet.

They are loathe to give scrips for adavan being the nature of the controlled substance.(It works, in other words, and the system doesn't want that out... cynical me;))

Worked 12 hours yesterday, and slept 12 hours on the meds, feel groggy today, but have to press on,things to do, people to see, places to go...

I'll be back on soon enough, and I hope you did well on the latest test J_9, And thanks for your support,

Ken

[J_9]

Abilify huh? And you are wanting Ativan? Hmmm, Abilify is much stronger.

Glad to hear you finally got 12 hours of sleep, it's about time isn't it?

Well, I just popped in to get your update.

Test went very well hopefully. I was the first done in the class and that NEVER happens. The only thing that bothers me is that whenever I feel I do really well, I fail the test. When I feel that I failed it, I ace it. Scores are usually in by 4 pm that day, but we won't be getting our scores until later this morning.

Take care Ken, I won't be on today as I it is Tuesday and I will be in clinicals until 5:30

Glad everything went well for you.

[KBC]

I did it again. I took a half a methadone tablet to the kitchen to take it with water this morning, had a bowl of cereal and never took the methadone. By noon I was in withdrawal and feeling overwhelmed. I felt like I would never be able to cope with all the things I have to do--write a book, take care of my kids, manage my finances, etc. I finally took "another" half pill, feeling angry with myself for my weakness in having to take more than my allotted dose. I then slept for two hours, got up and was able to function and pay bills, talk to my son when he got home from school. Later, I found the pill I hadn't taken.
Oh.
I proceeded to blame myself for that too. Not allowed to make mistakes. I have been coming back here to see how KBC is doing. Well, I hope.
Asking

Hi, Asking!!

I'll kick you if you like,, :):):)

I haven't missed med times very often this round,once or twice,mostly the Depakote, being an extended release I was able to take it without overlapping(at least I believed it... hmmmm)
No bad side effects with them so far.

One or another med has made me forgetful, I need a definite time when I take these buggers, so I don't miss any, 6 am and 6 pm, if at all possible that's seems to be good times( one other med is at noon also)

I hope you don't have too many more days missed, it's only human to miss one or two, but again I can kick you if you'd like, share the love... ;)

Seriously, it's only a lesson learned and I hope you don't berate yourself that much.

Thanks for looking in,

Ken

[J_9]

Abilify huh? And you are wanting Ativan? Hmmm, Abilify is much stronger.

Glad to hear you finally got 12 hours of sleep, it's about time isn't it?

Well, I just popped in to get your update.

Test went very well hopefully. I was the first done in the class and that NEVER happens. The only thing that bothers me is that whenever I feel I do really well, I fail the test. When I feel that I failed it, I ace it. Scores are usually in by 4 pm that day, but we won't be getting our scores until later this morning.

Take care Ken, I won't be on today as I it is Tuesday and I will be in clinicals until 5:30

Glad everything went well for you.

[J_9]

Abilify huh? And you are wanting Ativan? Hmmm, Abilify is much stronger.

Glad to hear you finally got 12 hours of sleep, it's about time isn't it?

Well, I just popped in to get your update.

Test went very well hopefully. I was the first done in the class and that NEVER happens. The only thing that bothers me is that whenever I feel I do really well, I fail the test. When I feel that I failed it, I ace it. Scores are usually in by 4 pm that day, but we won't be getting our scores until later this morning.

Take care Ken, I won't be on today as I it is Tuesday and I will be in clinicals until 5:30

Glad everything went well for you.

[asking]

Glad to hear you finally got 12 hours of sleep, it's about time isn't it?

I'll say! Sounds like a good thing to me, too. Glad Ken's appointments went well, too and I hope the Abilify works well.

K, Thanks for taking over the hard work of beating up on me. :) I need to put the cudgel down now and then to let my arm rest. I forget a fair amount, although I don't mean too. Just a day dreamer, I guess. I will get one of those pill dispensers from the pharmacy and see if that helps.

J-9, I hope your test went well, too.
A

[KBC]

Sleep comes and goes, either both medications are overwhelming or its just me, I am sure I need the rest at times, but who knows, it could be that SAD beginning.(Doc made reference to it, before I did even, knowing the increase in anti-d's isn't too far off,which will effect the sleep again anyway)

Going from 2 meds to 4 in less than 2 weeks, what's next I wonder?

TEST RESULTS? (Tapping foot,, tap,tap,tap... LOL :p)

Anyway, HAPPY TURKEY DAY EVERYONE

Ken

[KBC]

OK, have sleep down to a science.(whew)

Lessening off the Ambilify and hoping the anger/aggression isn't too bad(? don't know where this came from,like alcohol withdraws... :()

Had a stressful day yesterday and vented properly(and maturely,not common for me)I am happy with the results.

Family is finally starting to get read to leave,(out of the 13 total,3 no shows,4 already here full time,3 leave today, 3 Sunday afternoon)YES, the holidays are full of stress.

Hope everyone else had a nice,pleasant thanksgiving(those that celebrate it)

Ken

[J_9]

Hi, Ken, good to hear you are getting some sleep. Over the past few days I have gotten probably too much sleep. Just catching up from all the times I had to get up and out of the house before the rooster crowed.

So, were you just to take the Abilify for a certain amount of time? Is this just a short term med when you are in a manic phase?

Oh, the test. Yeah, I passed. Didn't get the grade I had hoped for, but I still passed. Next test is going to be very tough so our study group is going to start meeting twice a week.

I had a great Thanksgiving, thank you. Sounds like yours went well.

TTFN

[KBC]

Hi, Ken, good to hear you are getting some sleep. Over the past few days I have gotten probably too much sleep. Just catching up from all the times I had to get up and out of the house before the rooster crowed.

So, were you just to take the Abilify for a certain amount of time? Is this just a short term med when you are in a manic phase?

Oh, the test. Yeah, I passed. Didn't get the grade I had hoped for, but I still passed. Next test is going to be very tough so our study group is going to start meeting twice a week.

I had a great Thanksgiving, thank you. Sounds like yours went well.

TTFN

For a certain amount of time,, no,I am self medicating again,in a sense.

Yes during the manic phase I for sure needed the meds, now I am sleeping,almost like a normal person, and don't feel the need to take this or the Atarax,Yes it sounds like self medication,and probably is.Being on the holidays I am unable to contact therapist/doctor but I will when Monday comes.

Reason for not taking meds:I have shown signs of lethargy in the daytime as well as the morning, due to over medication, I am not a doctor, but the recipient of a treatment which I can feel is over the top for this phase,I am almost back to steady, I don't want to be too groggy nor too manic.(like any other time) just regulated.

Hope this is a rational explanation,(self doubt still creeps in and makes me wonder if I am setting myself up for SAD, or more chaos than I truly want.)

Twice a week study group,you must really want this profession, just to work with the likes of us loonies? ( but at a better pay rate,, ;) )

TTYL

Ken

[J_9]

Ken, I don't consider it self medicating when you have been on the meds as long as you have been and you know your body's chemistry. After all this time, you pretty much know what works for you and what doesn't.

You will know when the time comes to up the meds so that you will stay on an even keel.

You are sleeping again, you are off the peak of the manic phase and that is good. Just remember, and I know you will, when you start taking that uphill ride on that rollercoaster to start back on the same dosage you have been on. It worked so well for you this time.

Please call the doc tomorrow and let him know of your plans.

Study group did not happen today, too cold and rainy, everyone just wanted to stay home with their families. Oh, well, no big deal, I have been planted at the kitchen table since Wednesday with all my books and notes. So, I'll be okay... I hope!!

TTFN, take care

[asking]

KBC, I agree with J-9 about it being reasonable to regulate your medications but to tell your doctors what you are doing. Nice that you are sleeping again and not too sleepy during the day. I know that feeling of wondering if the good feeling is just an intermediate nice stage that you are going to pay for later. I worry about that kind of thing all the time. But your reasons sound totally right to me. The idea is to function as well as you can. The medications are supposed to help you do that, not make things worse. (I have to remind myself of that a lot.) Some doctors are really rule oriented and don't react well to self regulating--they see it as non compliance. But a lot of health professionals do understand. I try to be honest with my doctors, though some of them make it hard...

My pharmacy switched generics on me last week and I have been having a really hard time with the new patch, which is 3 or 4 times as big as the old one and gives me a nasty rash. I'm small and am running out of places on my body that aren't inflamed or even bleeding to put a new patch. It has to be a place that doesn't bend when I move, or the patch wrinkles and doesn't stick. The bigger the patch, the worse the problem. The pharmacy won't let me trade the patches in because they don't carry the old brand anymore, so I'm going to try to find a pharmacy that does. Then I'll turn in my unopened boxes to the old pharmacy (Walgreens) and try to get the prescription back and take it to the new pharmacy. And that's if things work out. Every time I think I've got things streamlined, there's some new hitch. Last month, the date on the prescription was wrong and the HMO wouldn't pay for the drug. Both the pharmacy and the HMO said if I filled out the right paperwork, I'd be reimbursed the $200. But when I got the paper work and filled it out, the HMO turned me down. I get discouraged. This month they paid for it, but now I'm covered with icky sores.. But I think I'm pretty lucky. Yesterday, I went out on a whale watching trip with friends and family. We saw orcas and a humpback whale. :-) I doubt I could do that without pain control.

J-9, What kind of class are you taking? Glad to hear you passed the test!
Asking

[J_9]

J-9, What kind of class are you taking? Glad to hear you passed the test!
Asking

Asking, I am a second level RN nursing student. I graduate in May and plan on specializing in mental health.

[asking]

Asking, I am a second level RN nursing student. I graduate in May and plan on specializing in mental health.

I'm happy to hear that. You sound like you will be a good one. :)
A