[pezzypooh14]

Two weeks ago, we celebrated our first anniversary by deciding we needed help. We talked about it over the next week and decided to get a marriage counselor. My husband's knee jerk reaction to the situation was to say he wanted to move out. Throughout the week, I talked to him and thought we had decided that he would not move out. Well, three days ago, he called me and told me he had gotten an apartment and would be moving out over the weekend. My whole family thinks that he has his priorities screwed up. I have been driving him to work every day at 6am for the last six months, and he got an apartment across the street from where he works because it is "convenient." I asked him why that was important and not what is "convenient" for our marriage. Two days ago, we were still talking about counseling. Today, he is saying he only will go if I want to go. I think he is bailing out, but should I give him a chance? Should I initiate it all? I want this marriage to work, but my family thinks I have given it all I can.:confused: Sharon

[donf]

Pezzy,

How long have you and the cowardly husband been together? What is filling his head that the marriage is over? What scares him about counseling that is fueling his actions?

Why are you driving him to work? Are you currently living in your own home? Have you thought of moving with him to the apartment?

There is so much left out of this story that it is difficult for me to follow. Does he tell you whether he loves you? Is he violent or verbally abusive?

How would you describe your relationship with him right now, cordial, friendly or miserable?

[pezzypooh14]

Hi, Donf...

My husband and I have been together for four and half years, of which, like I said before, we have been married for one. We have discussed counseling and we are looking into it. He did make the move to contact one and she stated she could not get us started for three weeks. I have inquired about an employee assistance program offered through my work, so there are two options. He has been in counseling in the past for some of his own issues, and he has admitted that he would give up before getting anywhere with it, so I think this is part of why he is afraid.

I do admit that our relationship has not been the same as of late, and I feel it has a lot to do with our conflicting work schedules and our utter exhaustion at the end of the day. We just don’t put the energy in that we should. He feels that we do not communicate, but this issue has been ongoing as we were raised in very different environments. My family talks, but very rarely about the serious issues. His family talks about everything and knows a lot of things that are not their business.

The reason I drive him to work is that he does not have a vehicle at this time, and he works where he can not take public transportation so early in the morning. This job is a federal job and was an excellent opportunity, so we weren't going to let transportation problems get in the way. He moved into an apartment that is across the street from his workplace. We do not own our own home, but we rent a home from my brother. I have been living here for almost eight years and is a much nicer home and cheaper than homes much like it in our area. So, you can see my dilemma as far as the home goes.

Another issue with the apartment is that my husband says he needs some time away for himself. He has now told me that he does not think we can positively work on our problems while living under the same roof. We just had some lengthy discussion today about many of these issues, but I still appreciate other input.

My husband does tell me he loves me. He kisses me goodbye and hello and things seem fine until we really start to talk about the issues at hand. Today, he made a point to tell me he loved me many times. I don’t doubt his love for me, and he is not abusive. The only thing harboring on abuse is his being impatient and yelling at me rather than having a calm discussion, but today, he admitted to this being a problem when I told him that I need him to be patient with me, and this is a very difficult process for me.

Today, I can say our relationship was a roller coaster. We hadn’t really talked in two days, so we spent about an hour and half discussing many issues. I cried, he got anxious, I got mad, he got mad... and so on. We went out for dinner and had a nice conversation and it felt like we got somewhere. I have been very emotional for the past few days, and he has shown no emotion, but I tend to forget that he’s like that, and I think “if I’m crying, he should be crying.” We came to the conclusion that we want to work at it, but it’s not going to be easy.

[Soldout]

I think your husband is taking you for granted and sometimes men can go through that phase. My Husband and I went through a similar situation when we were engaged. He had just gone cold, he didn't act like he was into me anymore and hardly called me unless I did. So finally I got sick of being the sweet fiancé just waiting on him and trying too hard for the relationship and I confronted him. He said that he was luke warm about the relationship and that he felt like he was missing out on other options. So to his surprise I gave him back his ring and told him to leave. I told myself I do not deserve to be with a man who treates me like I don't matter.

It was a very painful thing for me to do but I knew if I did not do something drastic, I was going to be stuck in an emotionaly painful relationship. My rational was that if I leave him it is either going to wake him up and make him realise what he has in me or he is going to move on with his life. Either way I come out better off because even if he does not come back that means he was not meant for me.

From the moment he left the door I never called him, I did not pick up my phone the few times he tried to call me, I did not reply my e-mail. I even started going on dates with other guys which he found out about and was shocked because he never thought I could ever move on from him. Believe me he knew I was serious.

After four months of going to night club, dating, exploring his "options" He realised that in his own words " the grass is not greener on the other side" He finally realised that he had a good woman who was not just beautiful on the out side but had a good heart and he missed the love and kindness I had shown him. He BEGGED me for 2months to forgive him and marry him. So now it was on my terms so I lay down the rules. We are married now and I tell you that step I made was difficult but it worked out for the best he is a changed man. Sometimes you have let someone go and as cliché as it sounds if he comes back then he was meant for you.

So it sound like your husband may love you but he is taking you for granted and he does not sound like he is willing to show the same amount comitment to making your marriage working. It sound like he is indeferent and fact that he has moved out shows that he is not really committed to working things out.

I would suggest that you stand your ground and be strong. Just ask him if he is wants the marriage or not and give him two options. To either 1. move back in with you or have you move to the apt that he is at so that you can both put 100%, do your best to work out your issues conselling etc and make the marriage work OR 2. If he does not want the marriage he can stop waisting your time and leave you alone to move on. I know you want the marriage to work but you have to be strong because how long are you going to beg him to go for conseling, how long are you going to hurt while he treates you like that. You have put your foot down sometimes. If he decides to move on from the marriage, if you don't call him and you are serious he may realise what he lost and may come back a better man. Or maybe if you give him the two options he may see that you are serious and move back in and work on the marriage. So please don't continue to accept this behaviour from him. He is taking advantage of your kindness and your willingness to work on the relationship despite him being a jerk.

[pezzypooh14]

I think your husband is taking you for granted and sometimes men can go through that phase. My Husband and i went through a similar situation when we were engaged. He had just gone cold, he didnt act like he was into me anymore and hardly called me unless i did. So finaly i got sick of being the sweet fiance just waiting on him and trying too hard for the relationship and i confronted him. He said that he was luke warm about the relationship and that he felt like he was missing out on other options. So to his surprise i gave him back his ring and told him to leave. I told my self i do not deserve to be with a man who treates me like i dont matter.

It was a very painful thing for me to do but i knew if i did not do something drastic, i was gonna be stuck in an emotionaly painful relationship. My rational was that if i leave him it is either going to wake him up and make him realise what he has in me or he is going to move on with his life. Either way i come out better off because even if he does not come back that means he was not meant for me.

From the moment he left the door i never called him, i did not pick up my phone the few times he tried to call me, i did not reply my e-mail. I even started going on dates with other guys which he found out about and was shocked because he never thought i could ever move on from him. Believe me he knew i was serious.

After four months of going to nite club, dating, exploring his "options" He realised that in his own words " the grass is not greener on the other side" He finaly realised that he had a good woman who was not just beautiful on the out side but had a good heart and he missed the love and kindness i had shown him. He BEGGED me for 2months to forgive him and marry him. So now it was on my terms so i lay down the rules. We are married now and i tell you that step i made was difficult but it worked out for the best he is a changed man. Sometimes you have let someone go and as cliche as it sounds if he comes back then he was meant for you.

So it sound like your husband may love you but he is taking you for granted and he does not sound like he is willing to show the same amount comitment to making your marriage working. It sound like he is indeferent and fact that he has moved out shows that he is not really commited to working things out.

I would suggest that you stand your ground and be strong. Just ask him if he is wants the marraige or not and give him two options. To either 1. move back in with you or have you move to the apt that he is at so that you can both put 100%, do your best to work out your issues conselling etc and make the marriage work OR 2. If he does not want the marriage he can stop waisting your time and leave you alone to move on. I know you want the marriage to work but you have to be strong because how long are you going to beg him to go for conseling, how long are you going to hurt while he treates you like that. You have put your foot down sometimes. If he decides to move on from the marriage, if you dont call him and you are serious he may realise what he lost and may come back a better man. Or maybe if you give him the two options he may see that you are serious and move back in and work on the marriage. So plse dont continue to accept this behaviour from him. He is taking advantage of your kindness and your willingness to work on the relationship despite him being a jerk.

Today was a difficult day. My husband still intends to move out. He was at my house when I got home and was getting boxes. I couldn't even bear to have him stay for a while. I tried to tell him that I don't think we can work on this apart. He just doesn't seem to think that is true. He called me after he left, and told me that it is killing him to see me like this, but he is just not sure what to do. Now he tells me he loves me, but he doesn't think he is "in love" with me anymore. I'm still not ready to give up. I am in love with him. I will try to follow some of the suggestions from above. I just don't know which way to go and I told him that it is confusing me that he wants to spend time here at our house, and then go home to his apartment. He admitted that it is confusing him too. He is meeting with our Pastor tomorrow. We'll have to see what comes of it.

[Stringer]

Hi, Donf...

My husband and I have been together for four and half years, of which, like I said before, we have been married for one. We have discussed counseling and we are looking into it. He did make the move to contact one and she stated she could not get us started for three weeks. I have inquired about an employee assistance program offered through my work, so there are two options. He has been in counseling in the past for some of his own issues, and he has admitted that he would give up before getting anywhere with it, so I think this is part of why he is afraid.

I do admit that our relationship has not been the same as of late, and I feel it has a lot to do with our conflicting work schedules and our utter exhaustion at the end of the day. We just don't put the energy in that we should. He feels that we do not communicate, but this issue has been ongoing as we were raised in very different environments. My family talks, but very rarely about the serious issues. His family talks about everything and knows a lot of things that are not their business.

The reason I drive him to work is that he does not have a vehicle at this time, and he works where he can not take public transportation so early in the morning. This job is a federal job and was an excellent opportunity, so we weren't going to let transportation problems get in the way. He moved into an apartment that is across the street from his workplace. We do not own our own home, but we rent a home from my brother. I have been living here for almost eight years and is a much nicer home and cheaper than homes much like it in our area. So, you can see my dilemma as far as the home goes.

Another issue with the apartment is that my husband says he needs some time away for himself. He has now told me that he does not think we can positively work on our problems while living under the same roof. We just had some lengthy discussion today about many of these issues, but I still appreciate other input.

My husband does tell me he loves me. He kisses me goodbye and hello and things seem fine until we really start to talk about the issues at hand. Today, he made a point to tell me he loved me many times. I don't doubt his love for me, and he is not abusive. The only thing harboring on abuse is his being impatient and yelling at me rather than having a calm discussion, but today, he admitted to this being a problem when I told him that I need him to be patient with me, and this is a very difficult process for me.

Today, I can say our relationship was a roller coaster. We hadn't really talked in two days, so we spent about an hour and half discussing many issues. I cried, he got anxious, I got mad, he got mad...and so on. We went out for dinner and had a nice conversation and it felt like we got somewhere. I have been very emotional for the past few days, and he has shown no emotion, but I tend to forget that he's like that, and I think “if I'm crying, he should be crying.” We came to the conclusion that we want to work at it, but it's not going to be easy.

It does sound like he does love you Pezzy. I just posted an answer on another thread very similar to this. Men are different Pezzy, try talking about it in short "bursts." I don't mean violently I mean for 10 to 15 minute periods.

Let him digest what you said and then come back again maybe the next day. This works as guys need time to themselves to think about what was said. We can not handle something that has the potential of going on all night or every day-forever without resolution.

This works, it has in my marriage. Men try to fix the problem and don't realize that sometimes all his woman wants is for him to listen. This doesn't make him any less human and certainly not a "coward.":)

[JFFTidus]

My guess as a man is that he may be feeling the pressure of response ability and Marriage. When me and my wife got married it was mostly because she pressed it to happen and with that I couldn't turn her down in fear of losing her. As time went by I began to feel suffocated and had the need to run to the hills. I was given an opportunity to get away when Desert Storm called me off to war and that separation time gave me time to put my life into perspective. I was able to think about what I wanted and wasn't feeling the pressure of being forced into a relation ship commitment I wasn't ready for. That was quite some time ago and yes I'm still married and happy. The point is, What would happen if you gave him some distance? Are you able to accept the fact that he might not want this marriage? Are you feeling that your pressuring him into something he's not ready for? A man who needs a ride to work may be feeling like he's not ready to be the man of a house hold. I tend to think of when my mom drove me to school when you mention it. I think he needs time to evolve a little and the only way to do it is to give him the space. Try to check some signs of hot and cold. Is he warm when he feels freedom? Is he cold when he has to do anything that is husband related? My advice is to cut him lose and give him the space he needs and then when he comes back give him more space then he bargained for. That will make him want to be into the relationship even more because its human nature to want something you can't have. The worse case scenario is not losing him, its being in a marriage that you discover is sour and having kids stuck in the middle. Emotions unfortunately are strong but also not perminate they change and fade or grow stronger, you never can tell. I hope this babble makes sense. Good luck to you

[donf]

Pezzy,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. Personally I am not one to advocate the dissolution of a marriage except where any one's safety is at risk.

Let's see if I can help you understand my perspective. First I understand your husband wanting a place near his work just for the convenience of it. However, that convenience buys him something else that I don't like. Isolation from the his family. Spare time, always a danger for us one dimensional male types. We do dumb stuff when we don't have immediate family with us. It's bad enough for our military personnel who struggle with this all the time.

Next on my logical question list would be, exactly how does he plan on working this out with you if you are not together. It just won't happen. Primarily there will be the "Guys" getting together for football games and stuff like that or worse.

I don't know how but believe me he has to be made aware that his vows of fidelity and caring were made by him to you. He stood up and in the presence of God and mankind swore those words to you. Not the Priest or Judge. Those words were attested by him to you.

He is the only one accountable to you for pledging to you his faith and love of you. You must find some way of holding him accountable. Again, I would say do not back up one step. He may be panicking now that "Married life" is facing him, but that panic is wasted.

Some things that I think help reinforce or at least make him feel the presence of wife and family is to plan to spend three or four nights at the apartment a week. Don't plan on a fixed schedule, but tell him you will show up in the evening after calling him mid morning to let him know. If possible, fix dinner and bring it with you or fix it there.

This guy has to learn to share his life with you. He will not get that experience with "X" amount of miles away from him. See if you mom can take car of your child on one night and bring the child with you for the rest of the trips.

I can tell you that we were married at 18. We had four years to learn how to live with each other before our son showed up when we were 22.

That was the most trying time of all. It was absolute misery for me to get to understand what married meant and how to fight fairly. We are still together 42 years later and I have to say that whenever IBM sent me on location anywhere my first question to Bonnie was, can you come with me? Most of the time the answer was yes! Those tirips were some of the best times we had at half the cost. Jim was also always invited because to me home is anywhere my wife is.

[pezzypooh14]

Pezzy,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. Personally I am not one to advocate the dissolution of a marriage except where any one's safety is at risk.

Let's see if I can help you understand my perspective. First I understand your husband wanting a place near his work just for the convenience of it. However, that convenience buys him something else that I don't like. Isolation from the his family. Spare time, always a danger for us one dimensional male types. We do dumb stuff when we don't have immediate family with us. It's bad enough for our military personnel who struggle with this all the time.

Next on my logical question list would be, exactly how does he plan on working this out with you if you are not together. It just won't happen. Primarily there will be the "Guys" getting together for football games and stuff like that or worse.

I don't know how but believe me he has to be made aware that his vows of fidelity and caring were made by him to you. He stood up and in the presence of God and mankind swore those words to you. Not the Priest or Judge. Those words were attested by him to you.

He is the only one accountable to you for pledging to you his faith and love of you. You must find some way of holding him accountable. Again, I would say do not back up one step. He may be panicking now that "Married life" is facing him, but that panic is wasted.

Some things that I think help reinforce or at least make him feel the presence of wife and family is to plan to spend three or four nights at the apartment a week. Don't plan on a fixed schedule, but tell him you will show up in the evening after calling him mid morning to let him know. If possible, fix dinner and bring it with you or fix it there.

This guy has to learn to share his life with you. He will not get that experience with "X" amount of miles away from him. See if you mom can take car of your child on one night and bring the child with you for the rest of the trips.

I can tell you that we were married at 18. We had four years to learn how to live with each other before our son showed up when we were 22.

That was the most trying time of all. It was absolute misery for me to get to understand what married meant and how to fight fairly. We are still together 42 years later and I have to say that whenever IBM sent me on location anywhere my first question to Bonnie was, can you come with me? Most of the time the answer was yes! Those tirips were some of the best times we had at half the cost. Jim was also always invited because to me home is anywhere my wife is.

Well, Don... I appreciate your candor and experience. We had a rough day again today. I am still having a hard time with him moving out. I still believe that he needs to be here with me to work on things, and we've tried to get together to spend time this week, but it's just ended up with me in tears each time. I don't know what to do. Could it be too soon for us to spend time together like that? I think that we need to spend as much time as possible, but in light of the last week's events, I'm not sure what to do.

Your concerns about him living in that apartment are very valid. I have many of the same concerns. I think there are two opposite ends of the spectrum. One being that he will get self destructive, as he has in the past, and no one will be there to help pick him up (he gets depressed sometimes - he takes an anti-depressant). The second being that he's going to settle in and really love being there and never want to come home. I told him that I don't think it's a great idea to go out and buy all kinds of furniture as he intends to do. I asked him what he is going to do with it when he moves back home. He just doesn't know.

I, stupidly, agreed to help him take a few things over to his new apartment tonight... sort of a side trip on the way to going out to dinner together. I made it up the stairs, dropped the stuff on the floor, and started hyperventilating at the thought of this being "his" apartment. I barely made it through dinner and thought it best to take him "home." This was only after he said, "do you just want to take me to work in the morning..." insinuating that he could come to the house, sleep in our bed, and get a ride in the morning like this wasn't going to mess with my mind at all. I'm so confused, and I finally stood up to him to tell him that he can't just play games like this. I was getting mad, but then, as soon as he was out of the car, I was miserable again.

I take a lot of what people are telling me with a grain of salt, and I'm trying really hard to be strong and work this out, but I'm starting to feel like I should just give up. I LOVE this man, but I just don't feel like I can do it. So, once again, I find myself attempting to calm down and have some kind of an evening, but I keep hoping the phone will ring and it will be him, saying he's coming home.

[Soldout]

Pezzy, Its sound like you are in a lot of emotional pain right now and I have tears in my eyes reading your post because I can totally relate. Its sound like you are a Christian so I would recommend that you call upon God to intervien in this situation. The word of God says cast your cares on Him for he cares for you. I agree with JFFtidus, your husband may be feeling the pressure of the commitment and the best thing for you to do is to cut him lose. And by that I don't mean getting a divorce. I just mean just leave him alone. Don't let him just come in and out of your life as he pleases when it is convinient for him because that just make things worse for you because the instability is emotionay painful.

The more you seem desperate and nag him, the more you push him away. Right now he has you confused and in limbo so he can have an emotional hold over you. Don't let him do that to you. Just tell him that if he wants to leave he should do so and come back when he is ready to be committed to the marriage but he should not leave you but occasionally come to your house to use you for sex and company when it is convenient for him. Don't avail yourself like that. Show him that you are not just sitting around waiting for him, even if you are don't show him that.

Tell him you are not happy about the way he has betrayed and abandoned you but tell him you are not going to put up with this limbo ralationship. That is what make it even more painful for you. If you ignore him he will start to think and he will miss you and realise that the grass is not as green as he thought on the otherSide. Right now you are giving him the best of both world; he is living by himself like a single man but he also has the security of your marriage because he knows you are there and all he needs to do is call and you are at his finger tips. Don't give him the best of both world. If he was to leave you and live separatly he need not have the option of being able to come to you when he feels like it. Make a stand and he will be more attracted to you that way, because chasing him does not make him desire you but only repells him. Just leave him to do what he wants and pray to God that he reveal to him the wrong he is doing. God is able to change his heart but you have to be strong enough to give him the space. Hope this helps and I will pray for you too.

[JFFTidus]

As from what I've been reading on the latest posts I tend to think that there is also some sort of power play going on. I really wish that its possible to GHOST the situation to see stuff such as body language and situation events. If has tending to say things leading that you are to cater to him such as help him move and drive him still that's taking advantage and allowing him to take you for granted. If you allow him to take you for granted your helping him leave you just as well as if you kicked him out. Your going to need strength now and the best way to gather up that strength is stand up for yourself. Do you want to raise a child with a person who will desert you? What is your future goal? Write those down and remember them. They are things that mater the most. Remember when you were little and you had a toy or something that meant the world to you but you couldn't have it? Your still alive even though you didn't get it but your emotions at the time were going in overdrive. So no matter how things work out you need to think about YOUR well being. I'm sorry to sound like a vulcan but trust me. Things have a way of working out. Your case is Selfish Love vs selfless Love. You need to change that into a way that suits your own well being. You are stuck at selfless love for a selfish lover. It's a hard fact to face sometimes but he will come around once he gets his space to work things out. You need to help him help himself by giving him his space. You can even tell him your giving him the space he wants and needs so he knows your not abandoning him. Its for his own good and yours.

[pezzypooh14]

Pezzy, Its sound like you are in a lot of emotional pain right now and i have tears in my eyes reading your post because i can totaly relate. Its sound like you are a Christian so i would recomend that you call apon God to intervien in this situation. The word of God says cast your cares on Him for he cares for you. I agree with JFFtidus, your husband may be feeling the pressure of the commitment and the best thing for you to do is to cut him lose. And by that i dont mean getting a divorce. I just mean just leave him alone. Dont let him just come in and out of your life as he pleases when it is convinient for him because that just make things worse for you because the instability is emotionay painful.

The more you seem desparate and nag him, the more you push him away. Right now he has you confused and in limbo so he can have an emotional hold over you. Dont let him do that to you. Just tell him that if he wants to leave he should do so and come back when he is ready to be commited to the marriage but he should not leave you but occationally come to your house to use you for sex and company when it is convienient for him. Dont avail yourself like that. Show him that you are not just sitting around waiting for him, even if you are dont show him that.

Tell him you are not happy about the way he has betrayed and abandoned you but tell him you are not going to put up with this limbo ralationship. That is what make it even more painful for you. If you ignore him he will start to think and he will miss you and realise that the grass is not as green as he thought on the otherSide. Right now you are giving him the best of both world; he is living by himself like a single man but he also has the security of your marriage because he knows you are there and all he needs to do is call and you are at his finger tips. Dont give him the the best of both world. If he was to leave you and live separatly he need not have the option of being able to come to you when he feels like it. Make a stand and he will be more attracted to you that way, because chasing him does not make him desire you but only repells him. Just leave him to do what he wants and pray to God that he reveal to him the wrong he is doing. God is able to change his heart but you have to be strong enough to give him the space. Hope this helps and i will pray for you too.

Here's an update for everyone. We finally got our first counseling appointment scheduled for 11/19. Unfortunately, my husband is using this opportunity to say things like "save it for the counselor" when I try to discuss things with him. I am going to try very hard to take Soldout's advice and try to take care of myself and not chase my husband. I believe this advice is right and that he will realize that he misses me if it is meant to be. He came over on Saturday (I was not home) and packed a lot of his stuff up. He "accidentally" left his packing list on the table, and I read it. It included pretty much everything he owns. I was shocked. I guess all along I had been thinking that he was only going to take the necessities because this is a temporary thing. Needless to say, it was a tough day being in my house.

Today, my husband said that if we are ready to live together again in six months, he intends to have me move in with him at his apartment. I explained my feelings about this, and I think that if I am going to move, we should get an entirely different place and start over. After all, our apartment was my apartment prior to our living together. I don't think I will feel comfortable moving into the apartment he went to when he left me. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Needless to say, things are not much better, and we try to talk, but it just gets nowhere. I guess we really are at the point where we need a third party. I really want this to work, and I love my husband with all my heart, so I'm at the point where I will try anything. Yes, Soldout, I am a Christian, and I am trying very hard to rely on prayer and God, and my Christian friends and family. It's just hard on a daily basis sometimes, especially when I have a pretty awful pastor (who has alienated himself from the entire congregation.. that's an entirely different story). In fact, my pastor (who is divorced and regularly slams his ex-wife) encouraged my husband to move out. I'm sure my lack of respect for him has not helped my view on this particular occasion, but it's a shame that I have no spiritual leader to go to. Thank God for my friends at church who have been wonderful.

So, at this point, I will rely on God and support from everyone and take things one day at a time. I'm trying to work on myself and dyed my hair (which I haven't done in years), and it makes me feel great. I am also going back to Curves to work out... I felt great when I was doing this and left to go to another gym to work out with my husband. I'm trying to take care of myself, and do these things to keep myself going. I have to...

[mjl]

I guess he forgot about the vows he took. Why don't you remind him of that.

[pezzypooh14]

I guess he forgot about the vows he took. Why don't you remind him of that.

It does not seem to matter what I say to him right now... I have tried to remind him of why we got married and that I feel I have supported him through bad times, but now that he is unhappy, he bailed out. I don't feel that should be the first step. I'm hoping that working on keeping myself out of depression and looking forward to meeting with the counselor will help... I think my husband is totally aware of the vows he took, but he is in a bad mode and is not just taking it out on me. He is starting to take it out on himself, and is making some poor choices. Perhaps, he does truly need time to work on himself, but I am not going to give up on loving him... even if we are not together for a while.

[Soldout]

Here's an update for everyone. We finally got our first counseling appointment scheduled for 11/19. Unfortunately, my husband is using this opportunity to say things like "save it for the counselor" when I try to discuss things with him. I am going to try very hard to take Soldout's advice and try to take care of myself and not chase my husband. I believe this advice is right and that he will realize that he misses me if it is meant to be. He came over on Saturday (I was not home) and packed a lot of his stuff up. He "accidentally" left his packing list on the table, and I read it. It included pretty much everything he owns. I was shocked. I guess all along I had been thinking that he was only going to take the necessities because this is a temporary thing. Needless to say, it was a tough day being in my house.

Today, my husband said that if we are ready to live together again in six months, he intends to have me move in with him at his apartment. I explained my feelings about this, and I think that if I am going to move, we should get an entirely different place and start over. After all, our apartment was my apartment prior to our living together. I don't think I will feel comfortable moving into the apartment he went to when he left me. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Needless to say, things are not much better, and we try to talk, but it just gets nowhere. I guess we really are at the point where we need a third party. I really want this to work, and I love my husband with all my heart, so I'm at the point where I will try anything. Yes, Soldout, I am a Christian, and I am trying very hard to rely on prayer and God, and my Christian friends and family. It's just hard on a daily basis sometimes, especially when I have a pretty awful pastor (who has alienated himself from the entire congregation..that's an entirely different story). In fact, my pastor (who is divorced and regularly slams his ex-wife) encouraged my husband to move out. I'm sure my lack of respect for him has not helped my view on this particular occasion, but it's a shame that I have no spiritual leader to go to. Thank God for my friends at church who have been wonderful.

So, at this point, I will rely on God and support from everyone and take things one day at a time. I'm trying to work on myself and dyed my hair (which I haven't done in years), and it makes me feel great. I am also going back to Curves to work out...I felt great when I was doing this and left to go to another gym to work out with my husband. I'm trying to take care of myself, and do these things to keep myself going. I have to...

Hi Pezzy, I hope you are doing okey today, it sound like you are making the right steps towards getting better control over this terrible situation. I really admire your strenth and the big heart you have. I only wish your husband knew what he has in you. (He will one day soon) I am really shocked about what your pastor has done. He does not sound like a genuine man of God. Jesus warned us of these false prophets so I suggest you distance yourself as much as you can and start shopping around for a new Church where you can get spiritual growth and good leadership. This pastor is may have a lot to do with the setback in your marriage because your husbands sees a "man of God" who is in a leadership position divorcing his wife, he thinks it is okey but Jesus said He hates divorce and divorce is not Biblical unless there is habitual infedelity. Here is a christian web site you can visit for support and encouragement about your marriage. MarriageToday: Your Family Has A Great Future!

I am glad you have submitted the issue to God. Continue to pray and trust in Him. He is able to do miracles in your marriage like he did for me, if you put your trust in Him. So keep praying and keep taking care of yourself and give your husband space for now. He will come back a better man for you but you have to be willing to let go for now until he deals with his issues.
From what you have said it sound like you have helped your husband with transport, accommodation and maybe with money too. One thing you should know about men is that they have an inherent need to be in charge and be a provider because it make them feel "like a man". SO if you have been doing stuff for him he maybe feeling less of a man and dependent on his woman. So I think you just need to give him time to gain his independence. Continue to do thing for yourself, concentate on you, don't chase him, don't call him unless he calls you, keep going for counseling with him but show him that you are getting on with your life and that will make him admire you and desire to be with you if don't just avail yourself.

Maybe when things get a little more solid between you, you can suggest going to a marriage conference if he is willing. I know of a very good one so let me know if you want that info. Keep strong pray and give him space :)

[pezzypooh14]

Pezzy, Its sound like you are in a lot of emotional pain right now and i have tears in my eyes reading your post because i can totaly relate. Its sound like you are a Christian so i would recomend that you call apon God to intervien in this situation. The word of God says cast your cares on Him for he cares for you. I agree with JFFtidus, your husband may be feeling the pressure of the commitment and the best thing for you to do is to cut him lose. And by that i dont mean getting a divorce. I just mean just leave him alone. Dont let him just come in and out of your life as he pleases when it is convinient for him because that just make things worse for you because the instability is emotionay painful.

The more you seem desparate and nag him, the more you push him away. Right now he has you confused and in limbo so he can have an emotional hold over you. Dont let him do that to you. Just tell him that if he wants to leave he should do so and come back when he is ready to be commited to the marriage but he should not leave you but occationally come to your house to use you for sex and company when it is convienient for him. Dont avail yourself like that. Show him that you are not just sitting around waiting for him, even if you are dont show him that.

Tell him you are not happy about the way he has betrayed and abandoned you but tell him you are not going to put up with this limbo ralationship. That is what make it even more painful for you. If you ignore him he will start to think and he will miss you and realise that the grass is not as green as he thought on the otherSide. Right now you are giving him the best of both world; he is living by himself like a single man but he also has the security of your marriage because he knows you are there and all he needs to do is call and you are at his finger tips. Dont give him the the best of both world. If he was to leave you and live separatly he need not have the option of being able to come to you when he feels like it. Make a stand and he will be more attracted to you that way, because chasing him does not make him desire you but only repells him. Just leave him to do what he wants and pray to God that he reveal to him the wrong he is doing. God is able to change his heart but you have to be strong enough to give him the space. Hope this helps and i will pray for you too.

Well... a whole new chapter has started, and my mother-in-law ran into my brother's wife at a store today, and proceeded to verbally assault my sister-in-law and talk about myself and how it was all my fault and I am not the perfect person everyone thinks I am. My sister-in-law told her the she has known me since I was 14 and knows that I am far from perfect. I am so upset and feel that I should let my husband know what happened. I am trying not to call my mother-in-law because I might rip her head off.

[Soldout]

Well...a whole new chapter has started, and my mother-in-law ran into my brother's wife at a store today, and proceeded to verbally assault my sister-in-law and talk about myself and how it was all my fault and I am not the perfect person everyone thinks I am. My sister-in-law told her the she has known me since I was 14 and knows that I am far from perfect. I am so upset and feel that I should let my husband know what happened. I am trying not to call my mother-in-law because I might rip her head off.

What eva you do do not call your mother in law because that is what she wants you to do so that she can have something to show everyone how "bad" you are. Ignore her. Forget about her. Focus on you and your marriage don't get side tracked. If you bring it up to your husband don't say anything negative about her because that is his mother and he may naturally take her side. So I know you are upset but don't invite anymore drama in your life than you already have. Hope your counseling session went well today!
God Bless

[go-ask-mom]

Are there other people involved with this that might be telling him what to do? I guess I'm wondering if there is someone else in the picture? Someone from work? Just curious.

[pezzypooh14]

What eva you do do not call your mother in law because that is what she wants you to do so that she can have something to show everyone how "bad" you are. ignore her. forget about her. focus on you and your marriage dont get side tracked. If you bring it up to your husband dont say anything negative about her because that is his mother and he may naturally take her side. So i know you are upset but dont invite anymore drama in your life than you already have. Hope your councelling session went well today!
God Bless

Hi, everyone... sorry I have been unable to respond in a timely manner. I no longer have a computer at home (husband took it when he moved out), so I have to sneek time in to respond when I am at work!

In response to the above thoughts, my husband did actually talk to his mom about this event that happened, and he did tell her he thinks she was in the wrong. He was appalled by the whole scene as well! Thank goodness...

We had our first counseling session last night... as I suspected, the counselor suggested that we both work on ourselves before we work on the marriage... we won't get anywhere if separately, we are "damaged goods." I am thinking of a lot of things, and thank God, I have a wonderfully supportive family and some wonderful friends who are helping me through this. As everyone suspects, I have good days and bad... but now I am trying to focus on what makes me feel better and get a better handle on the whole situation.

My good friend is coming over this weekend to help me put up my Christmas tree. I wasn't going to put it up, but everyone keeps telling me to do it and go on living... celebrate the holidays and show him that I am a strong, independent person. I am trying, and even though I don't believe everything everyone says, I'm sure it will all benefit me in the end.

So, alas, this may be my last entry until after Thanksgiving, but I will wish everyone a blessed holiday filled with family, friends, and lots of turkey! I will be with my family, and will most definitely be entertained by my three nieces for the entire day!

Blessings to all...

[pezzypooh14]

Are there other people involved with this that might be telling him what to do? I guess I'm wondering if there is someone else in the picture? Someone from work? Just curious.

My husband has admitted that he does not know who to listen to or to believe at this point. I know that our horrible pastor has had several conversations with him (and now denies a lot of what was said), and his mother is not helping things a bit (see earlier posts!). So, I'm not sure. The only person he works with that he might take some advice from is an older gentleman that has been married for many years, and I also know him to be a Christian man. So.. your guess is as good as mine!