[applehead2007]

So I pushed my boyfriend of 3.5 years away because during the relationship I was unsure of what I wanted and "who I really am." 2 months ago he sends me packing back home (we lived in a different state than where I am from, so now I am home again). He says we need at least a year apart because he needs a fresh perspective on us. I understand his pain and his reasoning. Based on what I was saying at the time, it makes sense. Now, however, I know I loved him deeply during our entire relationship but I had hang-ups --- is this REALLY it? Am I ready to commit? Will he be able to make me happy forever? etc. I came back home and for 3 weeks it seemed like maybe it was a good idea. Now I am totally missing him, I realize I AM ready to get married and I don't want to date anyone. It isn't just break-up pains, I am sure of it. I already had some great guys take me out and I am just miserable. He doesn't want to see me or talk to me, and the fact we are 1000 miles apart just means I have that much less chance to show him how I have really come around.

Is there anything I can do? I joined yoga, I am reading books on relationships, and I joined an Anger management group recently to help me deal with my emotions. But it's like he checked out and gave up. Is there anything else I can do to show him? I want to go back and get married, but I think he thinks it is just because I am hurt and afraid to be alone, and that isn't it... I really want to get married. He had bought a house just a few months before the breakup and I was spending more time with his sister-in-law and her baby. I really was coming around to getting married but I could never say it in Denver when we were together because I had these hangups.

I have written him and I wanted to see him but he told me no. Can I do anything else? Should I wait to see what happens? I figure he might already be starting another relationship now. I love him SO MUCH and I don't think he believes me now. HELP!

[Miszulaki]

Yes indeed it's a hard situation!
But the question you really have ask yourself is why did you leave in the first place?
Obviously you didn't know what you wanted or if you really wanted to be with him and get married!
Now that you are alone and away from him you miss him! And that's normal but if you really would have thought he was the one, you would never had left in the first place!
Your reaction is totally normal, and him not wanted to have any contact with you is making you feel rejected ad when a woman feel rejected she wants it even more!
Take the time to really think about it! Few weeks doesn't tell you everything!
It's your emotions who are talking because you were attached to this guy but in the long run do you really want to be with him?

[Marriedguy]

You have to be strong and weak, and selfish and selfless at the same time.

Send flowers along with a SHORT letter apologizing and hoping that he can find it in his heart to forgive you for the pain you cause him. Tell that you love him and wished things turned out differently. You wish him happiness even if its not with you. Then the hard part is... you wait.

When calls don't talk about the breakup... dont agrue. Just talk and enjoy dating him again.

[applehead2007]

Yes, I want to be with him. I kept thinking the little things that bothered me about him were a big deal. After dating other guys, I realize the things about him I took for granted that I would not have in another relationship. Also, we moved to 2 different states and I was having problems adjusting. I got really depressed and then I wasn't even thinking like myself. I was homesick and I started doubting everything, including my feelings. It was not like we were married and then we moved -- we were still getting to know each other and I was still growing up during all the changes. So it was really very confusing. Coming home has help put everything in perspective, but I feel like it's too late.

[Miszulaki]

You should tell him this, along with flowers like marriedguy had proposed!
If he really love you, he will take you back!
Best of luck!

[applehead2007]

IS THIS GOOD OR BAD LETTER TO SEND HIM??
How are you? How is work going? Hopefully you had a nice Halloween. Anyway, I hope you are doing okay.

I think about you and I really miss you. I understand why you need time to get a new perspective on us. I know we were having some difficulties. I just wanted to tell you that I am really making some progress out here on my hangups that held me back.

I think last time we had a "break" it really wasn't enough time for me to answer the questions inside of me. I really needed a push to find out some things. I just want you to know that I have always needed your heart and I would never have done the things I did if I did not need your heart. My heart was bound to you but the rest of me needed to catch up.

I really don't want to go out to the bars, to hook up with guys, or even to simply date. After having a serious relationship and really thinking about everything out here, I know I am ready to settle down and get married. And once I accepted that, I knew I wanted to marry you, not find someone else, because I love you very, very much.

I can't read your mind, and I have to stop trying because it won't help anything. But I just wanted you to know that I have really come around to wanting a commitment now. I had done so much growing up during the past four years, but I did not realize it and that was a big issue, I think. Coming home has put everything into perspective for me.

I think the biggest lesson I am learning is to be my own person more in a relationship. If we get back together down the road, I would be sure to make time for things I enjoy that keep me centered, like yoga, my journal, and my group (to help me continue to learn how to deal with stress and improve my communication skills and emotional intelligence).

In 3-5 years, I see myself married and with a family. If we got back together I know it would be much sooner than that, and that would be wonderful. I hope you think about me still and maybe you will decide you still want to be in that picture. It would be different now because I am becoming different -- growing up and ready to put in the effort because I know this is what I want. I love you.

[excello98]

I think you should do what MarriedGuy says! Although the waiting will be very, very hard.

[Miszulaki]

The letter is very good!
However I would also tell him all the step I took to be a better person, like yoga, anger management etc. More in details and how it had change and what you want to change. And also you would like his help in order to achieve them! But that is just a thought!

[applehead2007]

How long should I wait?

10 days ago he told me to move on on the phone, but then he replied to an email I sent later that day. He said he would write "when he can". It's been 10 days and nothing yet. My friend said to wait another 2 weeks at least to see if he writes back.

What if he is starting another relationship? He told me he didn't have a girlfriend, but the WAY he said it, I know he is looking. And I know he took a girl to a baseball game a few weeks ago, so it isn't like he is just testing me!

[Miszulaki]

Look this might be harsh but maybe it's really over for him!
I mean if he is distant then it's a big sign of it's over!
By telling you move on, then it's different then I still need some time to think!
He has the right to be looking for someone else even though it's hard for you!
Wait 2 weeks like your friends are telling you, if this is what you want but if you don't get a response then you will have to move on...
You can try another attempt by messing with his feeling which would be after 2 weeks, writing him a letter saying that you got the point and you are moving on and best of luck. This might trigger an insecurity that he might really loose you! But that is taking a chance and messing with his feelings!

[applehead2007]

Yeah, you are right. I guess that is why I should wait a little longer, at least.

It might really be over. I hate to see it that way, but if he doesn't write me after he promised to, then probably no other way to take it.

Any guys out there? Marriedguy had some advice... any other suggestions, or do you think I should do what he said?

[Marriedguy]

I'm sorry for the late post... Pm or AIM me I'll get back more quick. The letter was fine has was the other suggestions. My assumption is that man loves you be is tired on the waiting around. So the idea is to say in words and actions that I'm ready but if you feel you don't want to give it another shot good luck. These is important because its shows that you are putting his happiness before your own. When my wife separated I was just waiting for the call... I told myself she does call before the new year. I'll move on. She called in November of that year and the relationship is still going.

[Miszulaki]

So any news??
How are you doing?

[applehead2007]

Hi Miszulaki,

Thanks for checking in... I am doing better. My ex called me on Sunday and told me he misses me but not to expect us to get back together. I am confident he is with someone, which hurts, but I am trying to see this as a step forward now instead of dwelling on what could have been. I went on a date the other night. Thought about the ex the entire time, but I guess that is pretty normal at this point. This is kind of low, but I hope he regrets his decision down the road... if not, that is okay too, but I just want to find someone now who cares enough to stick around when things get tough.

Thanks though for your concern. I really appreciated all your advice and support during this experience. :)

[ryaninvegas]

I'm dealing with the same problem. It really hurts. Sorry for you. In my situation, she has found someone that "treats her much better." and I probably pushed too much so I don't recommend that... :(