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erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 06:43 AM

I posted a few times about a month ago, about what happened between myself and my husband, and how things were GREAT. That no matter all the bad things, we loved each other more.

Now - IM the one that's not so sure. I do love him, and I'm attracted to him, but I feel like were more like friends than a married couple. I've been distant and stand-offish towards him. He's a great guy, but I feel WAY different than a wife should feel.

Our sex life has went from great to, almost non-existant. He says he always wants sex, but doesn't touch me other than cuddling next to me, and I think he may have a medical condition,but we won't get into that. My point is, that I don't even wnt sex with him anymore - I'd rather take care of myself, and NOT have sex, than to be intimate with my husband on that level... is it right to feel that way? I don't even know if I want to try counseling. I don't believe in divorce, but I don't know that I have the feelings for him to stay either. Is this just a phase? Has anyone else felt this way??

ERica

Homegirl 50 · Oct 24, 2007, 07:12 AM

How long have you been married? Couples go through lapses like this and you get past it and wait for the next one. Counseling is good, having someone sugeest ways to reconnect or honestly talking to each other.
Cuddling and holding hands, kissing all of those things are part if intamacy, don't stop doing those things.
I'm not familiar with whatever problem took place earlier in your marriage.

sylvan_1998 · Oct 24, 2007, 08:01 AM

This is almost exactly where I am at... see my post on regaining intimacy. I am trying some marriage counseling. You can email me at EMAIL REMOVED FOR PRIVACY if you want to talk Erica.

erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 09:18 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

How long have you been married? Couples go through lapses like this and you get past it and wait for the next one. Counseling is good, haveing someone sugeest ways to reconnect or honestly talking to each other.
Cuddling and holding hands, kissing all of those things are part if intamacy, don't stop doing those things.
I'm not familiar with whatever problem took place earlier in your marriage.

I will try to find my previous post to help you help me better by a little bit of history. We've been married for a little over 3 years.Counseling is good, and I hope this is just a phase, but I've been feeling this way for weeks. As for the kissing and cuddling and holding hands - he wants to - I simply just Don't EVEN WANT THAT. What's wrong with me :(

erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 09:21 AM

Ok - here is the link to the previous post, sorry its so long:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ry-133054.html

And Sylvan, I most definitely will be emailing you, thank you for the offer. :)

erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 09:42 AM

I understand what you mean, and I am committed, or else I wouldn't be in this marriage. Cheating on his end? Im more worried about myself at this point. Im not into him sexually anymore - I don't know why. I'm sure it is just a phase, but I am also at the point I don't care.

erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 09:50 AM

OK... so we talked for a min about it before he headed back to work - he knows how I feel, but says he doesn't know how to fix it. When I talk to him and he tells me how much he loves, I almost forget that I'm not ' attached ' to him at the moment, like everythings going ot be OK again. Im SO CONFUSED!

Dennis777 · Oct 24, 2007, 10:11 AM

Hello

Sending you a great Big Hug...

Don't worry about your little set back. It's normal to find problems in the relationship. At 3 years your set in a pattern that doesn't allow for the quality time you had at first. The answer is to make that quality time, the time that made you both feel excited to be with each other. You don't need the amount of time you had before just make the time you have special. I know that once you bring that spark back you both will act like its your honeymoon every day. You can do it and you want to do it or you wouldn't be asking for help. SO DO IT now. Make him a special dinner and put on that sexy outfit he likes. Meet him at the door and give him a great big Kiss and look him in the eyes and tell him you Love him and today is the start of your new life together.

After he gets off the floor from fainting hehehe he will show you how much he Loves you right back. Its going to take time to repair this just like it took time for this to happen. BUT its worth fixing this relationship and why not live the rest of your life like each day is special.

Dennis777

donf · Oct 24, 2007, 10:21 AM

Erica,

Although I've never met you or spoken with you I like what you write and how you write it.

Personally if you were someone close to me with your problem I would ask you to consider all that is going on in your world and ask you if you have time for sex and the normal messy clean-up. I'm not being crude, but I am suggesting that you may be busy enough that sex is no longer the first thing on your mind when you wake up in the mornings.

To that I would say, relax, it's a guy's responsibility to make you interested. Honestly, relax! Your body and mind will tell you when you are ready. If the past weeks have been sexually intensive, you may just be tired of hopping into bed.

Are you withholding sex from you husband to punish him or to make a point? If you are not then I suggest you read your own PS on your signature. Who you are is who you are. Don't change to meet a some number of times a day or week. Wait until your mood is more inclined.

erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by Dennis777

Hello

Sending you a great Big Hug...

Don't worry about your little set back. It's normal to find problems in the relationship. At 3 years your set in a pattern that doesn't allow for the quality time you had at first. The answer is to make that quality time, the time that made you both feel excited to be with each other. You don't need the amount of time you had before just make the time you have special. I know that once you bring that spark back you both will act like its your honeymoon every day. You can do it and you want to do it or you wouldn't be asking for help. SO DO IT now. Make him a special dinner and put on that sexy outfit he likes. Meet him at the door and give him a great big Kiss and look him in the eyes and tell him you Love him and today is the start of your new life together.

After he gets off the floor from fainting hehehe he will show you how much he Loves you right back. Its going to take time to repair this just like it took time for this to happen. BUT its worth fixing this relationship and why not live the rest of your life like each day is special.

Dennis777

First off : THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE KIND WORDS AND FEEDBACK :)

I wrote him a letter telling him that its not just the lack of sex, that lately I love him, but I don't know if I feel the way a wife should feel - that I feel were just "friends". I asked him if he felt the same, and he's like NO I don't feel that way. Minutes later he's kissing and hugging on me telling me he loves me. I KNOW he loves me, its not even what he does to make me feel this way because he really hasn't given me any reason to not be absolutely in love with him. When I got here back in MAY, up until recently its been a honeymoon stage again. We do get along great, and I do love him dearly, I just almost feel like something isn't right, and I shouldn't feel like he's more of a friend than my husband. BUT I WILL DEFINITELY TAKE YOUR ADVICE. He knows I feel this way and just said he doesn't know how to fix it - for me to tell him what to do, but that's the problem, I don't know!!

Thanks again!

erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by donf

Personally if you were someone close to me with your problem I would ask you to consider all that is going on in your world and ask you if you have time for sex and the normal messy clean-up. I'm not being crude, but I am suggesting that you may be busy enough that sex is no longer the first thing on your mind when you wake up in the morning.

Actually - I have been exhausted lately and I think I'm so frustrated from when we do have sex that just thinking about it again turns me off. I have 2 girls, one is 1 1/2 and the other just turned 3. I have been having some problems with my health lately and honestly, I think about sex, but by the time 830 rolls around, Im in bed, half asleep. HE Doesn't pressure me by any means. AND YES I HATE THE MESSY CLEAN UP, ENOUGH TO NOT EVER DO IT AGAIN, LOL

Originally Posted by donf

To that I would say, relax, it's a guy's responsibility to make you interested. Honestly, relax! Your body and mind will tell you when you are ready. If the past weeks have been sexually intensive, you may just be tired of hopping into bed.

He goes to bed ( sorry I hope this isn't too much info, LOL ) naked, and he cuddles with me. But he doesn't touch me as in a way to get me even slightly interested. I just feel sometimes that he doesn't WANT to have sex with me, especially because some of the issues that arise during sex. But then again, I know he is attracted to me because if he looks at me while I'm half dressed or even kiss him, he's fired up. ( forgive me, I'm sorry but I felt I must explain a little bit )

Originally Posted by donf

Are you withholding sex from you husband to punish him or to make a point? If you are not then I suggest you read your own PS on your signature. Who you are is who you are. Don't change to meet a some number of times a day or week. Wait until your mood is more inclined.

No, Im not withholding sex or ANYTHING from him in means to punish him or make a point. As I said I do love him and am very attracted to him. I know I never have to change who I am, he tells me constantly he loves everything about me and no matter how grouchy I may be, he'd never change a thing. Like I said previously - I almost just feel like something's missing. As if Im questioning if Im in love with him. But then again, there are times that he says or does something or I even just look at him, and KNOW I'm in love with him, so I don't know why I'm feeling this way at all. I do have some trust issues from things that has happened in the past, and I am trying to leave them in the past - so I don't think that's it. SOmetimes I think he feels that he wants it over and just won't say anything, and I confront him - he denies it and tells me he loves me. Thank you so much for your response. I will definitely apologize to him for telling him I felt that way, and talk to him about getting some 'us' time. It might help tremendously

Homegirl 50 · Oct 24, 2007, 10:55 AM

I don't think she is with holding sex, she just doesn't feel like it

erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 10:59 AM

Exactly, thank you homegirl :)

Homegirl 50 · Oct 24, 2007, 11:02 AM

Ir read your original post. Personally, I think you did not love your husband when you married him. You said if your were pregnant that would be a sign to marry. You don't look for signs to marry someone. I think you two were young, were great friends you knew each other and maybe figured "what the heck" Sometimes you can be good friends but that does not mean you'd make good spouses to each other.
But you're married now with two kids. You have been through infidelity verbal and physical abuse and you're probably just tired and still not in love with your husband.
Do the counseling, find out what you are really feeling and then go on from there.
I wish you well

erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 11:04 AM

Maybe you're right, but I absolutely love my husband. I have never loved him more. Thank you for your advice and insight I really appreciate your honesty!

Homegirl 50 · Oct 24, 2007, 11:07 AM

I think you are trying to talk yourself into being in love. Trying to make this situation seem wonderful and him seem wonderful when in reality, you both have been through the mill with each other, and I think it's because you two cared for each other but you two did not love each other and were certainly not ready for marriage to each other.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 24, 2007, 11:08 AM

Originally Posted by erlobenauer

Maybe you're right, but I absolutely love my husband. I have never loved him more. Thank you for your advice and insight I really appreciate your honesty!

Then if you love him, get some counseling so you can find out where this feeling is coming from. It is coming from somewhere.
I wish you well

erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 11:29 AM

Ok - so what you have said is really bothering me. Not because I'm being hostile to your answer, but because I don't feel that what you said is actually true.

Maybe we married too soon, but even though we've been through hell and back as a couple, we BOTH wouldn't have changed the fact that we married each other. We both love each other. We were both young and naïve, but we have grown to love each other, and as I've said we get along great. In my opinion, we've overcome so major obstacles in our marriage, that indeed has made us stronger. BUT YOU ARE RIGHT - I do need to go to counseling to see why I'm feeling the way I am now. I know that I'm stressed more so than I've ever been in my life but given the circumstances, I'm sure anyone in my situation would understand them.

I'm not trying to offend you, but I did want to tell you that. Since all of that has happened ( infidelity and so on ) things have been 150% better. Its just out of nowhere, I'm feeling detached. Again, thank YOU!

Homegirl 50 · Oct 24, 2007, 11:45 AM

Then I hope I am wrong, but you are having a problem and it's coming from somewhere. Things may be better, but they are not 100%. I hope you do the counseling, it will help you see where this disconnect is coming from and help you deal with it.
I really do wish you well.

erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 11:47 AM

Thank you, I'll look into that ASAP!!