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sylvan_1998 · Oct 23, 2007, 05:09 PM

We have lost all the physical and emotional intimacy in my marriage. My husband has low testosterone and is being treated for this. But he still has no interest in me. I know he is not having an affair. He has distanced himself from me emotionally and physically. We are going to sex therapy in two weeks. But this will take awhile. What steps can I take now to regain the intimacy?

charlotte234s · Oct 23, 2007, 10:17 PM

I would suggest just talking together, go out and have dinner together, spend time together, it doesn't have to be sex to be intimate. Tell him you understand his problems with physical intimacy but you can still be close while he works through his problems. Find things you have in common and share them with each other. My boyfriend loves cars so I help him work on things, and I love animals so he takes me to the park to see the ducks. Even if you don't have sex you can share lots of things together. Talking to him about how you feel and spending time together doing other things is the first step.

donf · Oct 24, 2007, 06:55 AM

Sylvan,

If you just define intimacy as sex, you are missing the other half. To me intimacy is sharing your life with your spouse. It's being able to talk to your spouse at a heart to heart state. Sex is definitely intimacy. Just not all of it.

If your husband is having health problems, he might be feeling embarrassment and guilty for being, what he perceives as inadequate.

My suggestion would be to sit in a hot tub, if you have one, share a glass or two of wine and talk about anything but sex. Coddle the guy, he needs it but doesn't know how to ask for comfort. We are guys, we don't even know when or next meal is!

sylvan_1998 · Oct 24, 2007, 07:59 AM

No... I do not define intimacy as sex. And for years, we had intimacy and very little sex. Now there is no sex and no intimacy.

We work together and talk all the time. We are very much two peas in a pod. Its just lacking the intimacy we used to have. I guess I am not making a very good point of my question. I feel he is distant.

erlobenauer · Oct 24, 2007, 09:26 AM

Im with you, but Im the one that is distant, and yet I feel like he is as well and just not saying anything. I wrote him about how I was feeling and I asked if he felt that way too and he said no.

My husband and I get along great, we don't fight and argue, but something is just definitely missing. Keep your chin up, if I figure something out that works, LOL I will be sure to share with you. Look for my emails, I'll try to write soon :)

Erica

Dennis777 · Oct 24, 2007, 10:32 AM

Hello.

Most relationships go through this, Its not you and its not him it's the fact you both are so busy with the world around you, you forgot about yourself and each other.

Start slow doing all the little things that made your relationship fun and exciting. (hint) Men view intimacy as being sexual and if he is having medical problems he doesn't feel like he is the Man he was before. Show him you can be sexual and make each other happy even if he can't do what he did before or for as long. Once he feels like a man you will have him back...

Dennis777

nitsnitz · Jul 28, 2009, 12:53 AM

A couple is so associated in mind and spirit that a physical relationship develops.
To increase intimacy in relationship couples must feel comfortable with sharing their innermost thoughts, needs, and desires and both of them are supportive of each other in every way and know that they are supported. Couples have to trust always even when there are difficulties, each knows that they acted with the best of intentions. Intimacy in marriage will continue to improve and grow and the sexual relationship will flourish. Couple therapy programs especially focuses on these tips to increase faith, love, trust, friendship and intimacy in married and unmarried couples’s relationships.
Marriage Counselors, Christian Marriage Counseling, Family Relationships and Couple Therapy

Gemini54 · Jul 28, 2009, 04:24 PM

Your husband may well be distant - after all there has been little sexual connection for, it sounds like years. Intimacy does not recur overnight - and it has taken your relationship a long time to get to the point that it is today.

You have to start again slowly. Be interested in him as a person - what are his hopes? What are his fears? Often in relationships we think we know about the other person and we think they are like us - but they aren't. Look at where your differences are as well as your similarities.

A great book is Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, it talks about the importance of being separate as well as together in order to rediscover intimacy.

sylvan_1998 · Jul 29, 2009, 12:14 PM

Thanks, I am going to order that book. It is getting better, but it sure would have been easy to stray. I almost did and am glad I did not go through with it. The more I read and learn here, the more I am convinced that is not a road I want to go down.

Thanks

jham123 · Jul 29, 2009, 01:41 PM

He has issues that aren't going to be solved by your actions. He had to deal with them

sylvan_1998 · Jul 29, 2009, 04:50 PM

Yeah I know and he addresses them somewhat, more than most men I know. Keep us in your prayers

avatargal · Sep 6, 2011, 01:54 AM

After struggling with similar issues in a my first marriage, his second marriage, now living with his illness diabetes and lack of testosterone, I tend to agree this has already been a long time coming. Men tend to withhold their feelings, whereas women are more open. Perhaps we tend to settle into a comfortable companionship as we grow older and we feel terrible to challenge our partner into becoming more sexually active. All kinds of fears do crop up in the mind, such as.. "Is he having an affair?" then you realise he is battling with health issues and the guilt sets in as you feel like a jerk, even thinking that way... but reality is how much longer does one just settle for living with a room mate? I don't have the answers, I also feel so helpless and don't know which way to turn, at 51 I am not ugly, still welldressed and have retained looks, very loyal as much as I may enjoy attention from opp sex, I have high morals and this is killing me!
All I know is I made a commitment, through health and sickness, so I try to throw myself into work and my animals to forget. My husband is a phlegmatic type whilst I am sanguine, which means he more than likely will feel sorry for himself for a very long time. This truly is a case for me of: "don't cry out loud...keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings...". LOL to those who are experiencing the same.