[mr_X]

I have been with my girlfriend for 10 months and we have lived together for 5
We love each other very much but we are taking a break right now. My girlfriend has been with and dated nothing but jerks in her past and I have had a problem with that because I have been nice to her the whole time whenever I get mad at her about the past guys she gets mad at me I don't think she respects my feelings . She always says it was before you but the way I c things is what you did in the past is what makes you who you are weather its good or bad I stopped talking to her because she pissed me off she wants to get back with me but I have changed I have started to become a "jerk" talking stern to her and getting loud when I'm making a point and she seems to love me more when I'm MEAN to her this has made me think a lot I have always taking the "nice guy" route but now I see the power of the jerk and I must say that I can make her do anything I want when in this "jerk mode" it has made my love for her start to fade. Is her true colors showing? Is a jerk what she really wanted this whole time and should the "nice guy" in me die?

[dimples]

That is a real sad story. For one thing, I admit that most women have a history of loving jerks. Who wouldn't? They are carefree with a lot of drama in their life that shames the scripts of daytime soaps. We often dream of taking care of them & straightening out their lives. In a weird way, we feel needed. That is a feeling of self fulfillment. I guess you find it hard to grasp why she went for them & there may have been some jealousy on your part & you found it empowering that she tries to please you even more when you are a jerk. Maybe that holds true now but eventually, we wake up & smell the coffee & realize that jerks are better off outside our houses & out of our lives. Are you willing to risk that?

[thomas27]

Its like the nice guys finish last. I understand why you are concerned about her past patterns. One's past may be who they were but that doesn't have to be who they are (if they don't want to be). She has been with you (a nice guy) for a while now so maybe she wants change. she is not still with those jerks but she is with you. that says a lot. >>> however you know her. I don't. Not to confuse you more... but sometimes things are exactly what they seem. You will have to be the judge. Look at her actions and her character, not her past. People do change. possible solution> sometimes us nice guys don't purpose a challenge and most people like a challenge. We have been taught to believe things worth while don't come easy. You don't have to be a jerk to pupose a challenge. Hey if it's meant to be it will work out in the end.

[letmeno]

First and foremost, I am a firm beleiver in what happens in the past stays in the past. We all make mistakes, and I have made more than my share but I for darn sure don't need anyone standing over my shoulder constantly reminding me of what stupid mistakes that I made way before I even knew them. I do agree with you to a certain extent about the past builds your character, but I say live and let live. Leave her past alone. Not unless she dated a serial murderer and is an accomplice to a past crime, or some how or another her past is jeopardizing your future, I really don't see the signifigance of who she dated before you has to do with you. Women are attracted to jerks, but I think that men have a hard time finding the fine line that separates the a**holes from the gentlemen. We love a man with backbone, character, his own thoughts, mind, feelings, and ideas. We also love a man with charm, gentleness, sensitivity, (not overly sensitive :) ) and chivalry. We love a man who know exactly when to take charge and when to butt out. We all love a challenge both women and men. It breaks up the monotiny of it all. If you are not what she wants in a man, I don't think that you should change on her account. If you have an opinion, voice it, don't clam up because you don't want to step on anyone's toes, this shows that you have your own ideas. If you don't want to go shoe shopping every Saturday but want to stay home and watch the game, let her know, and make other plans. What I am saying is be your own person, be your own man. You don't have to be an jerk, just have some backbone. We love a take charge kind of man.

[fredg]

Hi,
I agree with the answer about "be yourself". It is very hard to be someone you are not, cause you would have to change your entire personality!
What has happened is in the past, and I suggest you don't bring it up at all. Close the door on it, but remember that it is there; don't use it against her.
If your relationship with her is to continue, then it's up to her. If you are not the type of person she really wants, then wouldn't it be better to find out now? And not later, in possible divorce?
You need someone you respect, and she in turn, respects you. If this girl isn't like that, then I would really start meeting new people.
Meantime, let her mention the past if she wants to, but don't say anything about it. Let it drop. There is always the chance that she really does want someone, like you, who respects her. If she doesn't, then move on.

[mr_X]

I told her not to call me for couple of days yet she still calls should I pick up?

[shenda]

You stated that your in-limbo girlfriend would anger when you would mention her past lovers; what I find interesting is the fact that you needed to keep them alive, as if, the power trip of being a jerk was something you have previously considered; however, not sure if it would be rec'vd. It is as if you have purposefully selected a love interest to experiment with. You are frighten because you find that it would be easy to lose your core self into this newly adapted mindset.

You blame your in-limbo girlfriend, when in fact you are using her as a scapegoat to conceal the warring in your own soul. You know better than most that nothing outside of yourself has the power to move or shake you, you know that this is a conscious decision on your part, one that rings taboo to your true nature; however, it is fantastic and it provides a false sense of control and manipulation... two things in life you have tried to avoid because you are not one to take advantage of others; however, it feels good to you to have such authority and power to appease your selfish side, problem is you also experience a side dish of guilt and betrayal.

Solution... seek balance. You have had need to explore this underside to your character for some time; now that you have encountered the bittersweet of an unbalanced core... seek and maintain a steady balance... one that allows the best of both worlds to complement... such as being able to make a firm decision without backing down; remain firm in an open type of way. You are on a great road if you will redirect your perception's energy unto a more excellent you.

Remember, her presence only magnified your delusion of self, now that it has surfaced, seek to put it into balance.

[Katiy]

Is this how you want to be? You get to be the one who decides how you will be. She is conditioned. Many times I see women that are as you describe. As a matter of fact, if you find someone worthy for them, they say they are not dating. I saw it this weekend as a matter of fact. Good luck.

[Chery]

i have been with my girlfriend for 10 months and we have lived together for 5
we love each other very much but we are taking a break right now. my girlfriend has been with and dated nothing but jerks in her past and i have had a problem with that because i have been nice to her the whole time whenever i get mad at her about the past guys she gets mad at me i dont think she respects my feelings . she always says it was before you but the way i c things is what you did in the past is what makes you who you are weather its good or bad i stopped talking to her because she pissed me off she wants to get back with me but i have changed i have started to become a "jerk" talking stern to her and getting loud when im making a point and she seems to love me more when im MEAN to her this has made me think alot i have always takin the "nice guy" route but now i see the power of the jerk and i must say that i can make her do anything i want when in this "jerk mode" it has made my love for her start to fade. is her true colors showing? is a jerk what she really wanted this whole time and should the "nice guy" in me die?

First of all a nice guy would not call past b/fs jerks and constantly throw it in her face. You were just plain jealous of her past and think you have to compete with it. Can't you just let bygones be that... We all learn from past mistakes, but you sounded like you never made any yourself and are so judgemental of people you do not even know. Do an attitude check. If I were her, I'd find someone else because the only one you think deserves respect is you. I don't need my past thrown at me just because I don't please the nice guy the way he wants to be treated. Sorry, but that's my opinion.

[expertinlove]

Don't be a jerk. Maybe she's just used to all that in the past she don't know how to react with someone being nice to her for a change. The past is the past. A lot of bad things happen to people but it doesn't necessarily mean it makes them who they are now. People do change but they have to want to change and want something better. Be yourself, and obviously being a jerk isn't you. So why make yourself unhappy just to please her, you need to be happy with the whole situation too. Maybe you deserve someone that likes to be treated well. You don't find many sweet guys in the world anymore. But its also girls like this that make it that way.
Good luck

[Wildcat21]

Being a Jerk is dead wrong.

Being a 'nice guy' is dead wrong.

It's a slight combination. She wants to be teased, and made fun of some of time.

She needs a confident guy who is control. A GUY WHO HAS HIS OWN LIFE.

SHE HAS AND WILL LEAVE THE JERKS. ALWAYS. THE JERKS ONLY LAST SO LONG. She knows the jerks all too well - notice they don't last - notice you didn't last.

What wants and needs is an alpha male - confident guy, busy guy, mature guy, NO needy/clingy, a guy who is comfotable and loves himself first.

The jerks, in the end, lose every time. 'nice guys' are ALL needy, insecure, JEALOUS.

I have a feeling this guy is very jealous and insecure IF he kept bringing up old boyfriends.

NEVER mention or worry about old boyfriends.

[dimples]

Being a Jerk is dead wrong.

Being a 'nice guy' is dead wrong.

It's a slight combination. She wants to be teased, and made fun of some of time.

She needs a confident guy who is control. a GUY WHO HAS HIS OWN LIFE.

SHE HAS AND WILL LEAVE THE JERKS. ALWAYS. THE JERKS ONLY LAST SO LONG. She knows the jerks all too well - notice they don't last - notice you didn't last.

What wants and needs is an alpha male - confident guy, busy guy, mature guy, NO needy/clingy, a guy who is comfotable and loves himself first.

The jerks, in the end, lose every time. 'nice guys' are ALL needy, insecure, JEALOUS.

I have a feeling this guy is very jealous and insecure IF he kept bringing up old boyfriends.

NEVER mention or worry about old boyfriends.

Right there again, wildcat! You remember people telling you nice guys finish last? That's true. Women eventually end up with the "nice" guy & he will be their last. Why? Because in the long run, we get fed up with jerks & realize that although Mr. Nice Guy may be quite boring or predictable, he is the Comfort Zone we know we can always depend on. The childish antics of these jerks we will soon outgrow & guess who gets the girl in the end?Not the jerk, for sure.

[Katiy]

Sometimes people are jerks. Sometimes, they learn to apologize and clean up their mistakes. Sometimes a person can take suggestions, and cause a shift in their behavior. There are many times I am a jerk, as soon as I am able to, I pick myself up, and dust myself off, and then apologize for what I have said or done that has upset someone else.

[Chery]

i told her not to call me for couple of days yet she still calls should i pick up?

Why? so you can feel good about putting her down again for her wrong choices (in your opinion)? We all make wrong choices sometimes but that does not mean we have to constantly be chastized like a little kid. If you want to 'train' and 'command' and mold the way you want, and then when you don't have time, send to the doghouse, buy a dog.

[Chery]

If you want to 'train' and 'command' and mold the way you want, and then when you don't have time, send to the doghouse, buy a dog.

That statement shows your lack of intelligence and compassion.

Katiy... Neither your assessment or rating of me have merit and until you can adequately express yourself to where others understand you, it is of no consequence at all. If your statement 'chery is a ho' is intelligent, then, think again... The only time you type more than a few words is when you talk about yourself... you also have achieved the reputation of consistently posting answers to threads that you have not read to the fullest to build your basis on.

I'm also quite sure that mr_X can well speak for himself and contradict my interpretation of him if he feels I am wrong in my assessment of his motives. He stated in his first post that he gets upset about her past and he yells at her - and also 'tells' her what to do, instead of suggesting, is that respect? He might think that she likes it when he's 'mean' to her, but it might have been the only way she's been treated and maybe hoped for a little compassion, and still hopes so, or she would not have called him and did have good times with him too.
The reason my statement was so abrupt was to give him 'food for thought' and hint on what NOT do to if he cares for her. Since he did not answer to this, he could be reflecting on what the catalist was and why, and also might consider another way of treating her if/when she comes back if he wants her to. People can change, sometimes they just need a little push and a lot of help no matter how old we are and how long it takes.
Jealousy is a sick emotion that brings out your own insecurities and an excuse to be judgemental over people you don't know and have something to do with the past, which we basically have no right to do. If mr_x calls these unknown others 'jerks' and constantly berates her for having a past life, he wants a doll he can mold and command to his interpretation of perfection. We can turn that table around and say he had some real 'dumb broads' in his past and throw that in his face too, but he could just be looking for a person like the 'role model' he fell in love with the first time - and thinks that all of us women tend to behave this way, or there is something wrong with us.
Maybe I feel personal about these issues because I was abused as a child and also as an adult, until I decided to change my life and follow in the shoes of the therapists that helped me through a very hard recognition of 'patterns' in life that mold people as individuals. But I am quite qualified in this field, or I would not have patients continue to see me in my home or through the network, as I am forced to stay at home now due to illness and don't get financial reimbursement. What I do get is the satisfaction of helping others as I have been helped.

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok,

First if you ever mention, talk about, compare or say anything good or bad about anyone she dated in the past, you are about stupid.

With that said, what she did, who she did it with and any comparison is not part of a healthy relationship unless it is being done in a situation to bring out issues of improvement when both parties are really in agreement.

Next "raise your voice" "act like a jerk" welcome to love. If a couple does not have a real yelling match and slam the door I am going to town fight every so often, honestly they are just sharing a house, not living together.
That is all part of it.

Next yes, someone getting angry and "fussing" at a person is a (turn on) for some people. We had an old saying that said, Everyone has different issues that floats their boats>

Some people may enjoy being yelled out or perhaps being talked "dirty" to
There should be limits for everyone but truly when I deal with married couples they have to find that level of spice that is needed.

[Chery]

Fr_Chuck a superb description of the difference between yelling with, or yelling at.. and yes, some people love to start 'spats' because the making up is fun and that's a different story.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that the past should stay where it is unless invited in for advice on certain issues.

[Wildcat21]

I agree with that as well.

It's healthy to gte angry IF you should be angry. Shows you have a spine and won't put up with crap.

[someguy222]

Can any of u help me with my problem
Topic is entitles: "theres this girl..."