[jmpowell01]

Hello All,

I currently have a 4 year old daughter that has been in my care since birth. Her father comes into her life at his convenience, and the sad thing is he only lives an hour away, but see's her maybe 4 times a year by his choice. Over these last 4 years I have done everything to make things simple and convenient for him to see and do for her. It's been almost 2 years since a child support payment has been made, and he only recently starting calling to speak with her ,and he only does that maybe twice a month.

My concern is I am now looking to seek sole custody of my daughter and am trying to find out if this is something I could establish more easily with an attorney or due to his lack of participation as a parent, would this be something easy to obtain?

Don't get me wrong, I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father. Despite the animosity there was between us, lack of child support payments, lack of help raising, providing and disciplining her, I have never denied him the right to see or speak to her.

Prior to a child support order even being established I asked him to help me financially, and ironically his child support obligation is the same amount I asked him for, $200.00. I even, on several occasions, tried to arrange weekend that he could get her. Shot me down every time by making excuses about why it would inconvenience him and his new wife, Who by the way could care less whether he has a relationship with his daughter, due to her insecurities and jealousy.

I just simply want him to be in her life on a consistent basis and do his part or get out of it. Him coming in & out on the few days a year that he wants to be a father will no longer be tolerated. Now that I will be getting married soon and he see's that she is now calling another man "Daddy" who is raising her, he wants to make idle threats, try to disturb my relationship and attempt to be in her life. My fiance' nor I have a problem with that, but like I said he has already started making promises he hasn't kept and has gone back to his in & out phase in this short period of him popping up making promises on helping support her.

What can I do from a legal stand point to put this to an end?

Is it against the law for me to forbid him to see/speak to her until a court order has been established for custody and visitation?

I have even discussed my fiance's interest in adopting her, which you would think he would agree to considering he's not paying child support and will continue to get penalized for it and he doesn't come around anyway. He stated that would never happen and he plans on taking care of his daughter. My thing is how can he think time stops to wait for him to finally decide to be a father.



I feel like my life and future can't continue because he has me by the tail and can control that part of my life.

[grammadidi]

Child support and visitation do not go hand in hand. I'm not clear on why you think that having sole custody would change anything. The only real difference between joint and sole custody is that the person who has sole custody has the legal right to make all of the decisions about the child's life on their own, instead of in joint custody when both parties make the decisions (like you did when you were still together).

I understand where you are coming from as far as the lack of consistency is concerned, however, as long as he is not a risk for your daughter, I have to say that seeing him once every 2 years would be better than not seeing him at all. Unfortunately, he just isn't stable enough to put your daughter's needs in the forefront. However, you seem to be, so I would just continue to encourage whatever contact you can. As your daughter gets older you can explain to her that her father loves her, but he has problems, and that is why you are apart; but that even though he isn't able to see her on a regular basis that he does love her.

As far as his new wife, or even your new husband to be... they have no bearing in this situation. You and your ex are the parents of this child. You both need to do whatever you can to ensure she grows up feeling loved and accepted by both of her birth parents. Your response to that may be that he isn't doing that - but perhaps he is doing the best he can do. It is important that you make that clear to your daughter so that she doesn't feel rejected.

Forbidding him to see her would be a selfish move, in my opinion. Your fiancé will provide her with the immediate kind of love... the DAD stuff. Your ex will continue to provide her with the FATHER stuff. With both of them in her life, albeit that the ex is sporadic, she will grow up to feel more loved and well-rounded. When she is old enough, she will put it all together, and your new husband and her will continue to be very, very close.

There is nothing legally you can do to force him to his visitation/parenting obligations other than the financial ones. I would not recommend the adoption thing. The only time I feel this works, is if the sperm donor... ahem... father is deceased.

Just as an aside, when I worked in the counselling field, many men admitted to me that it was difficult to see their children after a divorce/separation because when the visit was over it hurt them too much. I'm sure that your little girl calling your future husband 'daddy' and suggestions to have your fiancé adopt her sure don't help the matter!

I think you should speak to a lawyer about your concerns, by all means, but I think that continuing to encourage as much contact as possible no matter what the support situation is like would be in your child's, and your, best interests in the long run.

By the way, he doesn't control your life... you do! When he calls for a visit and it's not convenient, say so - but immediately set up another date and time. Tell him that if he doesn't show up within 30 minutes of that time without contacting you to let you know why he is late, that you will consider that he has cancelled the visit and your daughter's life will continue without him there until the next visit. Your future has nothing to do with how often he sees your daughter, either!

Hugs, Didi

[Bluerose]

grammadidi,

I had to spread it.

I agree one hundred percent. Any kind of father is better than no father at all. And if the mother is honest and open with her child from day one I don't see any problem. As she grows older, the daughter will see for herself what her father is like and make up her own mind about how much she cares for him.