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thisisjo · Oct 13, 2007, 07:34 AM

Entire story merged

HI. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and love him more that I ever thought I could love anybody. When we first met he was besotted with me, he wanted everything , a house a future and we moved really fast in our relationship. November last year after a year together. we had been looking for a house to move into and were perfectly happy. The only problem was that he had moved into my parents house and it was abit to full on for him. He didn't feel like it was his own and felt trapped in my room. He broke up with me and said our relationship had become too comfortable and we never did anything anymore and there was no excitement left. He said he still loved me and he would always love me but he didn't think we could be together. A couple of months past and I was devastated. I used to ring him all the time and cry and I felt rubbish. After a month and a half he went on holiday with his family and this is where things changed. I got a text on my phone saying you should fly out to meet me and although very tempting I wouldn't of been able to go because of work anyway. So I said no. From then on he continued to send me messages and started to tell me he missed me.. I rang him one day and asked him if he had got with anybody whilst we had been apart. First he said no then he said he kissed someone and then he admitted he had been sleeping with someone and that it has made him realise what he had with me,, he wanted me back.. When he got back from holiday we regained our relationship. It was great it was new again, exciting and we were so in love. We went on holiday only a couple of months ago and again we started looking for a house.. He just got a promotion at work witch requires him to work loads of hours and I was seeing less of him for a couple of weeks while he was really busy, Instead of giving him space to work on these especially busy weeks I was calling him and bugging him to come see me. He went out one night with a group of friends that are younger than him and have no commitments. He kissed another girl that night. After a couple of days he told me and then broke up with me. He said he felt so guilty he found it hard to even see me. I was upset about him kissing another girl but the fact he told me was slightly better and the fact he felt bad and he was really drunk. It seems he has commitment issues because every time we talk about getting a house he runs away. Every time he gets a new job and meets new friends he tries to fit in. It seems like this breakup is exactly the same as last time and its aftr another year which is the same as before. He says it is just a coinsidence but I don't know. He works in the bar industry and has a lot of students working for him. They all go out and get drunk and have a laugh and I think that makes him feel left out and like he's missing out.. he moves into a student house on both occasions. Last time he told me he didn't think we would get back together but how can I believe that this time when he did get back with me last time. The thing is our relationship was amazing. We never argued ever and we always got on. Everybody envied our relationship because we were like best friends too. But as soon as a problem occurs and these are the only two times there were problems, instead of dealing with it he runs away. I am so sad and all I want is him back. We had a lovely future planned together and we both want the same things. He said he still loves me but he has lost the spark and that is exactly what he said last time. I said that in relationships no matter who you are with you will always get comfortable and it will never have a new exciting feeling to it all the time and he said that's why he can't be in a relationship. Because he is a bar manager all the girls will want to sleep with him so they can brag to everybody and get free drinks and vip treatment but the thing is I don't care what he does. He could be a dog poo picker for all I care and I would love him just the same. What I feel for this guy is true love. He has got me how I never thought was possible. Even now even though it hurts him to listen to me sad. He still answers the phone to me every time. Even though he hates what I have to say. He never ignores me. I don't know what to do. He is only 22 so I'm hoping that he will grow out of this need to run away. Im scared that maybe this is a coincidence and he really won't want me back. Half of me thinks he will half of me thinks he won't. Its strange because not one person thinks that we won't get back together because they can't understand it after they know how good we were together. Its as if he is going through an early mid life crisis. He feels he is old and has to prove to himself that he isn't. I am so confused. Do you think it can work. Do you think he can grow out of his fear of comitment? I am so hurt by this but if I didn't think he was worth it I wouldn't bother but in my head he is the one. Your comments would be appreciated so much . Another thing is that I believe some of the problem lies deep inside him. His dad left when he was six months old and has never seen him. He came back into his life when he was young and then just left again so maybe he thinks running away is an option. He is used to people being in his life and the just leaving. I know that there is more to him than that so I don't want him to fall into that trap. God I love him so much but at the same time I didn't want to be hurt every year for a couple of months and I don't want to feel like a pushover... I have some bad qualities too mainly that I become very clingy and want load sof attention. I constantly want to ring him and will say quite nasty things to him if I don't get what I want. I know I need to change that and I know that is a big factor of our breakup. I put a hell of a lot of pressure on him when he already has a high pressure job where he is know to work 80 hour weeks. I don't want anybody to think we had a bad relationship because we really didn't and that's why I'm confused. It was the best and he is so perfect for me and I know I am good for him..

aaii · Oct 13, 2007, 07:52 AM

Not even going to attempt to read that.

Anyone else just look at that and think... "Screw it!!" lol?

SAB123 · Oct 13, 2007, 08:14 AM

I think he has some personal issues. He says he loves you? When you love someone you don't leave that person no matter what. My ex fiancé kept breaking up with me (5-6 times in 5 years.) He is still young and maybe wants to see what's out there and stringing you along in the mean time. Trust me it suck to get broken up by the same person a lot of times. I know you love him but sometimes you have to to what's best for you. I would forget him. You don't want some one who is going to kiss possibly cheat on you in the future.

thisisjo · Oct 13, 2007, 08:40 AM

I am sure the problem is that he thinks the easiest answer to any problem is to run away. He thinks he is so mature but I actually think he is very vunerable and insecure. I am hoping he will grow out of this and believe he has taken on too much at such a young age and feels the easiest thing to do is blame his relationship because he wouldn't like to admit he couldn't do his job.. after all he is a man. He can't hanle the pressure of two big things at once. I hope he realises that at the end of all his stressful hours at work it is pointless because there is nothing to come home to.

SAB123 · Oct 13, 2007, 08:54 AM

Originally Posted by thisisjo

...i have some bad qualities too mainly that i become very clingy and want load sof attention. I constantly want to ring him and will say quite nasty things to him if i dont get what i want.

I think you keep pushing him away when you do this. I would still move on and work on yourself as a person.

thisisjo · Oct 18, 2007, 07:10 AM

I am so hurt and I feel like I will never got over it. I fear my ex may have his eye on someone already and it is killing me. I am dreading the moment I hear that they are together. Why after two years does he think its OK to get with someone straight away? Help me I feel like I will never get over this.

BiWiccanAndProud · Oct 18, 2007, 07:38 AM

It depends... if you loved him and he was your first love. You'll never get over it, you will in a sense that you will move on and be happy with someone else but some where deep in you it will still hurt. My advise is... LOOK AROUND YOU!! If he is already looking that means you can too! There are plenty of attractive and nice guys out there. It took me a while to get over one of my ex's that really did break my heart and I thought I'd never find anyone but now I'm with the most wonderful man and I love him with my entire being. So don't worry about this , you'll find someone new and better! And that guy is who will help mend your broken heart.

BambiStarlight · Oct 18, 2007, 09:59 AM

Dear, I've broken up with my ex for 4 years and still I'm not over him.. sometimes, there are some whom we can never really get over with... just got to press on every day and hope that we get better.. the heart will heal.. slowly and surely.. but you got to want to make it heal.. *hugs* a broken heart is never easy..

Diamondstar03 · Oct 18, 2007, 10:06 AM

I know what you just how you feel thisisjo, I am sorry for your pain. I know it hurts. I am feeling it as well. It kills me A lot. All I can tell you is that disappear as much as possible. Don't even try to contact him. I know it is hard, I am so confused right now also. The advice everyone is giving me is helping me on here. I love my girlfriend with all that I am, she broke my heart and is seeing someone else also. It is a pain I can't fathom. It will get better, just try to focus on simple thngs and for gods sake don't let your imagination run wild. I hope things get better for you, I don't think mine will. I pray all of us get better that are hurting right now.

JoeCanada76 · Oct 18, 2007, 10:15 AM

Quite honestly you can not control somebody else's actions. Another thing is that this person is an EX, so there is a reason for it and whatever happens with this ex and other people is not really important and should not be. Each individual has different ways of dealing with loss and some people are not able to be alone. As for the heartache it takes time. Can not expect it to be over night, but I guarantee you one thing. It is the choices you make and things that you do in your life which will determine how to learn from this experience, how to move on, and taking time for yourself and enjoy being single. I do not mean go out to the bars and mess up your life but what I mean is to do things that are important for you. Volunteering, or education, hobbies, etc... believe me this pain will pass and down the road you will be thankful for this experience because you will come out a stronger person because of it.

Geoffersonairplane · Oct 18, 2007, 10:29 AM

Hi, sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have been there and was just over a year ago. I was so broken hearted it knocked me for six. I came here for help and advice and I got so much support both here and in my life. It took a lot of grieving and positive thinking. It was really hard and I mean really hard but I pulled through after around 8 or 9 months and I am much, much stronger now. I can't tell you how much the people on this website helped me and how I got myself back sometimes you sometimes lose when you are hopelessly in love with someone that may or may not be right for you... I can assure you that you will get over this and get through all the anger, resentment, emotional and physical pain that occurs post breakup. It takes a lot of time and I mean a lot of time, it varies from person to person and how emotionally invested you were. I was with my ex for 3 years and allowed myself at least 2 months per year but ideally speaking, its not good to give yourself a timescale... You are over it when you are over it.

Okay, now I have reassured you that you will get through it, because you really will, here is the practical advice that should help you.

The ex will be in your head 24-7 for quite some time to come. This is a huge loss for you! What you must do now to help yourself heal from this loss is to:

1.) Maintain NO CONTACT -- NO LETTERS, E-MAILS, PHONE CALLS, TEXTS, NOTHING!!

2.) Keep yourself busy, go to the gym, take up an old hobby, spend time with friends and relatives, whatever..Try to avoid alcohol where possible (it won't help)

3.)Try not to dwell on the past too much, focus on what you can do for yourself to improve you, as a person. Perhaps you have lost part of who you were before you met your ex. Try to establish what this was and get it back.

Accept that the ex is gone!! Chasing them and telling them that things will change will not work. Believe me, I know it won't, others on here have done it and I have too!! Does not work like this!

By the way, after all this time, regarding my breakup I finally began to realise a few months ago that I never would want my ex back. Not because of what she did but because I know what I want in a woman and love is blind you know, it really is. That is not to say that I am saying I am better than her but that I feel that we were not right for each other anyway and she was not the one. If someone would have told me that I would be saying this a year ago, I would not have believed them. Opening your eyes to what is right for you when you are hopelessly in love with someone is hard,

Used in this way it can be a strange word hopelessly but I hope you understand what I mean.

Whenever you need any advice or you are feeling down, come on here and talk, believe me these guys and gals offer great advice and they have helped me immensely and they will help you too!

When you feel ready, perhaps consider joining in discussions and helping others who are going through the same thing here. It is immensly powerful and I can't believe how much it helped me to help others while going through some tough times myself. Try it and you may be surprised by how it helps you.

I wish you well and hope that your healing starts soon!

madaman · Oct 18, 2007, 12:09 PM

My girl left me for someone else back in August, and it has been 2+ months of hell. Each week got better and better though. It is super important to keep a positive outlook on your life and future though (this was so hard for me because I used to be such a negative person). Fake it until you make it really. Positive thoughts and actions will make you happier more quick. That's not to say you can't grieve because you will. But try and set some mini goals for yourself and be proud of yourself when you achieve them.

You HAVE to let go of the thoughts about him with someone else. From the moment they left your life it stopped mattering what they did and who they did it with. You have to stop putting yourself in places where you might find info about him and what he is doing as well, at least for the first while. I remember having my ex on Facebook still and the day she added someone else as her boyfriend it was like a knife through the heart. I blocked her and from that day onwards things got better.

thisisjo · Oct 28, 2007, 05:30 AM

I know there are a lot of people that would say leave him... its not worth it, move on etc but in this case.. What is I genuinly want him back? I met my boyfriend of two years when I was suffering with anxiety and panic attacks, he was amazing with me. He looked after me so much but the problem is we rushed into things. We wanted everything so quickly and after a year he was living at my parents house and we had just become.. "comfortable" so the excitement had gone. I think he has a bit of a comitment issue but we did meet at 19 and now we are nearly 22 so I am goping he will grow out of it. We broke up and then after a month he said he missed me loads and he realised what he had lost.. when we got back together it was great again but after another year we started to settle down way too much again and he wanted a mortgage and everything. I suggested renting because I was sensible and said we need to try living together first because apperently eveyrthing changes and he said no no no we won't split up I love you. Then one night he went out with some lads that are abit younger than him and he kissed antoher girl.. until that day everything was fine but I think it had a lot to do with a commitment problem. We broke up just after. But its not about the kiss anymore. The kiss was a kiss and I can deal with that. He has never cheated on me ever before in two years. I think he kissed a girl because he was scared of how close we were and cause his mates are abit younger(he is a manager and they work for him) he might have felt too tied down and tried to prove a point. He siad he still loves me and he won't say that we will never get back together, but I really don't want anybody else. I can forgive but I can't forget. I know this lad so well and I think it freaks him out because he has never been so close to anybody before and because of my anxiety I became quite dependent on him. I do think we need some time apart because I feel I need to work on myself as a person and now I'm better I need to learn to depend on myself and be strong. He has had a lot of family problems which I think may be linked to his behaviour but I can see the real him and can only want to help him. I know he still loves me but I also feel I haven't given him chance to miss me as I am still VERY MUCH in his life everyday and not necessaraly in a good way as I get so frustrated and argue with him. The week before we broke up him wanted to go on holiday with his mum to tenerife and said he wouldn't go if I didn't. If it was me and I didn't want to be with someone I would be glad if they didn't want to go and go anyway. I don't know it is all very weird but I don't want to here the negatives I want to here of stories similar to mine where people have got back together. I have more faith in him than this and I believe I need to be the stronger one so he knows that this is not acceptable behaviour and that I will leave hiim if he messes around. I know only time will tell but can someone relate to this? I think it all comes down to commitment issues and his new friends. Thank you :(

thisisjo · Jan 6, 2008, 10:01 AM

I know this is a long on but I really need help

Ok so I haven't wrote on here for ages. Im in a bit of a pickle at the moment and I would really appriciate some advice from somebody who is or has been through the same thing as me.

My situation is totally crap and I'm even getting bored of it myself. I just wish I could think about something else. Its been like 3 and a bit months since my boyfriend broke up with me. We had been together for two years and I am still just as in love with him to this day. About a year ago we broke up for a couple of myonths because we had got really comfortable with each other and our relationship got kind of stale. I always go the wrong way about it though because I want to talk to him all the time and I bug him so much and push him away, Anyway, last time we broke up I found out that while we were apart he had been seeing someone else. He then said he missed me and realised what we had and really wanted me back so we got back together. We were both so happy. We were together for another year and everything was fine, we were very in love, we went on holiday, he was totally besoted with me, he didn't want anything without me, he wanted to get a mortgage and it was great. Then one day he was going out with his mates and was staying at mine after, he was texting me all night how much he loved me, how he couldn't wait to get home into bed with me. The next day he was totally weird with me. Turns out he got drunk and kissed another girl. Now what I can understand is, Why he did it. I know he was in love with me I know he found me attractive I know he wanted a future with me and I know he was happy. Before I found out about him kissing this gilr I rang him because I felt like something was wrong. He had been acting strange with me since that night and I knew something was up. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no no no no I love yo I love you I'm happy with the way things are and then when I asked him if he had cheated he said he kissed someone else and then he broke up with me, Now I don't get why the hole conversation he was pleading with me and telling me how happy he was and then broke up with me. A few weeks later he moved into a new house with a bunch of students. The girl he kissed is one of them and now they are seeing each other. Its obvious he has got with her out of convinience to make himself feel good. The worst thing is she is totally minging. Im a 5"11 blue eyed , blonde and everything he likes in a girl and she is a short dumpy red head with an ugly face. He has nothing in common with her and everything in common with me.

I understand that when we were together things got very heavy and because through most of our relationship I have been very dependent on him as I suffered with panic atacks. I think he wants to loose that pressure for now. I think he may be scared of commitment as every time we get really comfortable and talk about houses he breaks up for me and feels the need to start seeing a girl with not much pressure. I

He still tells me that he loves me and that if we were both single in the future then there is always a chance we may work out one day.

I know I will prob geta lot of comments saying, move on, he's stringing you along, but I love him with all my heart and wish he could face his commitment issues.

The worst thing is that I can read people quite well so I can see what he has been doing. They have been together about 3 weeks now and they are going away on holiday tomorrow for ten days.

Now I don't know if anyone else might agree but do you think maybe he is trying really hard to be happy and not facing up to the hurt and confusion of me and him?

We never had any problems when we were together, we never argued but now we are not together we argue all the time, I think it prob makes this other girl more attractive to him because right now all he knows of me is arguin.

He tells me I'm hot and that he likes me but the spark has gone.

If I didn't hink he was worht it I wouldn't bother but I really do. When we were together he was the best boyfriend in the world.
More than I could ask for.

But the thing I need help with is. A few of my friends (mainly the men) think I should be over him by now. But I'm totally not. I know I'm out of his league (without trying to sound big headed) but if brad pitt walked in the room I wouldn't be interested, Although people keep telling me I could do better. My ex is the most beautiful man in the world to me.

Is it weird that I'm still hurting.

Why do I want to be with someone that has hurt me so much.

He has a picture in his room of me that I gave him and he kept it there and he said he will bring me a gift back off holiday. He said he doesn't think he will ever be as happy with anyone or love anyone as much as he loved me?

What do I do if I still want him back?

George_1950 · Jan 6, 2008, 10:09 AM

Sorry about the confusion and heartbreak. You wrote: "But the thing i need help with is. A few of my friends (mainly the men) think i should be over him by now. but im totally not. I know im out of his league (without trying to sound big headed) but if brad pitt walked in the room i wouldnt be interested, Although people keep telling me i could do better. My ex is the most beautiful man in the world to me."

I think you have never given yourself time to get emotionally untangled from him. Perhaps you should take that time now. Do the NC religiously. Let him go. There used to be a marketing song for a shampoo: "I'm going to wash that guy right out of my hair". Well, it isn't that easy. Read the NC info on relationships and read them again. Mark your calendar for 90 days and do a reassessment of your relationship with him. Good luck with this.

thisisjo · Jan 6, 2008, 10:16 AM

Its horrible because All my friends say and my family and even I kind of know it myself that he will come running back to me eventually. I really want that to happen, but Im scared I will just be waiting around for it

thisisjo · Jan 6, 2008, 10:20 AM

OK so I wrote him this big e.mail today as I know he is going on holiday tomorrow. I know it will kind of make or break him and this new girl because its not easy to go away with someone you hardly know for that long. So I'm guessing that if he is going to miss me it will maybe be on holiday where h e realises that actually comforts are a good thing.. so what I have done is wrote him this e.mail and now will leave it as NC from now on.. It kind of is an ending to everything and leaves things open. What do you think??

Ricky….. I know you are probably thinking ooooohhhh here we go again she's at it again bleeeuuugggghhhh! But I'm not writing to be a I'm just writing because things have gone totally tits up between us in the past couple of days and I don't quite understand why. It was really nice to see you and talk to you over Christmas like we did and it hurts that you have changed with me ever since you went to Norwich .

I understand that you are with somebody else now I'm not insane its just that it only seems like yesterday we were jetting off into the sun, eating brush Etta, putting sun oil on (haha), drinking amaretto, eating our weight in food, watching the fireworks on the harbour where you said “beat that Emily and will” haha. But the thing that sticks out in my mind the most is when you said here's to the first of many!.

I don't expect you to say oh sorry monkey I've made a massive mistake and I would love to get back with you. I know if anything was to change between us it would take time, but I think you also know that you could fall back in love with me quite easy.

I think the reason I'm still so hurt about all of this is because I reallllllllyyyy don't understand, We were so in love. And you were defo in love with me, we were happy, looking for a future, very serious, still had a great sex life, fancied the arse off each other and when we had one problem you didn't feel it was worth fighting for you just sacked it all off. I just don't understand. We were so in love.

I know that one day things could change, I know we could be very happy together but I don't get why you feel that there could be better out there. I think you are right about us needing to live our own lives a little to know what we fully want out of life, I know we got very serious very young. But I don't get why you wouldn't want things to work between us.

I know we lived as one for two years which is really bad at such a young age of personal development. It makes me so sad to think you might not be part of my family one day and I might not be part of yours. I wouldn't want a relationship now that is based on the rest of my life but I think you think that that is what I want. Well it isn't. We tried that and it didn't work.

Maybe we need to have new relationships to realise how compatible with each other we really are.

I was so looking forward to this year with you Ricky. I wanted to go away in January, somewhere hot and nice for our birthday and somewhere in October. I well wanted to go skiing too. I don't ant to sound like a loony in denial because I promise I'm not I just want to be really happy and I know I could be with you.

I know you are in the “honeymoon period” with flick and you probably couldn't care less about your ex but something tells me that there is something between us that will develop or could develop one day.

It seems to me that all the things that we wanted for ech other and all the things you wanted for me has happened. When we were together you were always the mature one. I was always the dependent one. You didn't live at home, you had a car, a good job, but now all that's changed a. All the things that would make our relationship so much better have changed. I'm looking to move in with Nik, which would defo make a difference, I have my own car, a good job , we both have enough money to take all the holidays and stuff we wanted. Everything would be looking up for us. I know our relationship is saveable but I also know that if we were to sort things out our relationship would be a new one. From scratch and I think we have the potential to be happier than ever.

Obviuosly I don't think this is going to happen anytime soon but I really don't know with you as last year when you told me in fact shouted at me “we will never get back together” a couple of weeks later you were calling me from Tenerife asking me to fly out to you and a week later we were back together.

I know we could feel that honeymoon period again. I will never forget how amazing it felt when we got back together last time. The sex was incredible and the first time you kissed me again I tingled all over. We were so happy again and we both thought it was gone forever. I know the problem was that we never faced any of the problems. I stayed in a job where I was not happy and we got too comfortable again. I was stuck in the house with my parents and I still haddent gained much independence. Well I have now.

Im sorry for making us stay in cov. The thought used to scare me of going anywhere else. But now the thought of a life in another city exites me. Even living in Rugby would now be an option as I have my car. We now no everything that doesn't work in our relationship and everything that does. I want it to feel like we have just met again and I think in time if you and me are both single then that is possible.

I hate that I am sooooo much better and happier with life but you don't get to see that. You think I'm just as bad but you are the only person that sees that side of me. I don't think you understand how different I am and how much I have changed.

I feel I will alaways love you but I may have fallen out of love with you for now. I know that could come back as I find you so hot. I am so attracted to you and love the thought of sex with you, You are gorgeous to me ricky and you really make me week at the knees for no apparent reason. I know you fancy me ricky and if things are to change with you and flick we could be so happy.

I don't want this to sound like a totally mad e.mail but I know we can't talk about this on the phone without an argument or a grumps. So I guess that's everything. I really hope you ring me before you go like you said you would. I need to put my amaretto order in ooh and oreo and I really want a new j necklace. I hope to god that wasn't our last holiday, kiss, birthday, valentines day, together. I really hope there is much more to come. Only you know that and I really hope that deep down, whether you admit it or not you know there is something there. Hope to hear from you today.

Love you always.

Pretty lady

P.s sorry for the essay……xxxxx

talaniman · Jan 6, 2008, 11:39 AM

Don't mail that. You will never heal, and see things for what they are, if you keep ignoring the fact that his actions have not been that of love at all. Its you keeping things alive in your head, ignoring any red flags waving in your face, and its you keeping that door open for him, despite he is with another. If anyone needed No Contact at all, its you. Instead of healing you keep tearing the scab of your hurt open again, and again, and then cry how hurt you are. You need to stop the pathetic attempts to have a real and healthy relationship with him, and get your own act together. Your dependence on him is not love, nor is it healthy. Acknowledge the hurt, and accept the consequences, by moving on to love yourself enough to get healthy. He is not the medicine you need.

thisisjo · Jan 6, 2008, 02:11 PM

From my past experiences men always run off and break your heart to the point where you go out of your mind with heartbreak... why is it that they always come running back when the pain starts to ease and you start to move on??

Coyotito1111 · Jan 6, 2008, 02:19 PM

They know we're weak. They know they can, most guys realize our weaknesses. If you think everything is right, go for that shot of love with him. But, if you were able to move on, and finally get over everything. Prove you're strong, don't go back to a self-esteem lowerer (the boy who broke your heart) Let him know you are strong. And that you don't need him. Just take a stand.

:)