[helpnow]

So I was in a serious relationship that ended six months ago... since it ended, I've taken the opportunity to date... A LOT. I've met a lot of interesting guys, some weird, some seemingly normal but no chemistry etc. I met this guy about a month ago... we talked quite a bit before we actually made a date. When I met him, I wasn't necessarily physically attracted to him but his personality was awesome. He had a very similar sense of humor as mine... full of one-liners and witty charm. :P I felt a lot of chemistry with him and we share a lot of common interests and what not. So we made plans for a second date. I receive an email from him the day we are suppose to go out and it was about a page long talking about every aspect of his life and how he is just feeling so busy and blah blah blah.. so he said as much as he could see himself wanting to spend time with me and getting to know me better he didn't have the time to see anyone with any consistency. I wrote him back and thanked him for being upfront and honest with me... but since he was such a funny and fun loving guy offered to at least keep in touch because I enjoyed his company. Well needless to say we make plans to hang out again and it ended up being more like a date... we went and had dinner and talked for a few hours and ended up having a pretty heavy goodnight kissing session. Then we make plans to hang out again... this time we went to dinner and went ice skating... HAD A BLAST... ended the night with a tad more physical making out session... but not all the way. I brought up the conversation of him being too busy and asked him if he was changing his tune... he said he was definetely reconsidering and that he liked me a lot. So I leave and about three days pass by where I don't hear from him... no phone call no email. Then I decide to send him an email... his response is cut and pasted below.

"I guess the reason I didn't call is because I'm just trying to figure out what I want. I know if we keep hanging out then its only natural that you're going to expect things to progress and for me to make some sort of a commitment and I'm just not in that place. I'm happy right now just being able to do what I want, when I want and not have to worry about hurting anyone in the process. Call it selfish, I know it probably is, but it works for me. I don't want to alienate you so bad that you don't even want to talk to me, so that's why I guess I'm heading things off at the pass....so to speak. Because I really like hanging out with you, and although it might be hard to not want to make out with you all the time, I would like to hang out from time to time...if you're down."

Any other time I would have felt this an enormous waiste of effort to continue pursuing a guy after all this - but I genuinely have feelings and could see the prospect of a future if he did ever become open to the idea of having a relationship. So I guess my question is what is the best way to snag this guy?? And let me point out... friends with benefits is NOT an option.

[grammadidi]

It sounds to me that this fellow has another relationship with someone, or he just genuinely doesn't feel what you feel, and although he is attracted to you he realizes that you both want different things. I think, from past experience, that you should let it go. I have heard the same lines, almost word for word, and in my case, I was stupid. I thought he also felt the intense bond I felt and that was why he was backing off. In fact, he respected me, and he knew he would hurt me because he was involved with someone else AND he would 'change'.

Accept that this guy has at least had the 'decency' to be relatively honest. He is a player, and likes it that way. Don't even allow yourself to see him at all,. that's what these guys count on. Their honesty endears women like us to them, and many of them actually have almost a 'following' of women just like you.

Also, if you got to change him, then you really don't like him.

Hugs, Didi

[The Lake House]

Give him some time.
If you really love him then give him some time.
My cousin of 17 yr-old just got out of a relationship. He wasn't ready for a longer relationship after high school. It's very common for guys at their younger age.
I don't see a problem staying friends with him and see how it goes after a while.
Good luck.

[helpnow]

Well we aren't thaaat young. I am 24 and he is 27

[helpnow]

Well here is a thought on what I would like to do and please feel free to let mek now if you are adamently for or against it...

I received the email from him yesterday... I was thinking about waiting until tomorrow and writing him back letting him know I do appreciate him being honest with me and that I'm not against the idea of keeping in contact on a friend level.

I figured if I wrote that... at least it would make it clear I am not interested in anything physical with no strings attached. Also, it leaves it open that if the situation changes, at least in the interim we don't have to put everything at a dead hault... friendship is better than nothing. My only concern is having self control haha. I'd have to make sure to stick to only being friends and if we did hang out make sure it was in a social setting that didn't allow for it to escalate beyond that. So what do you all think?

[grammadidi]

Well, from my side of things, I think that because you DO wish this relationship went beyond friendship that you are just asking for trouble. You are still hoping that it will change, therefore you are vulnerable. In fact, just a thought, but if you said, 'Well, I appreciate your being honest with me, but at this point in my life I want friendships that have the potential of growing into something more, so I feel it would be best to go our separate ways. If you ever move past where you are and finding yourself in the frame of mind that you are in that place where you are open to finding someone with whom you might want to make a commitment feel free to look me up and see if I am still available." then you are actually stating where you are in all of this (thus being just as honest as he is). Then, you either aren't wasting your time on something that may never be or he comes to the conclusion that he just may be closer to that than he realized. Either way, you come out a winner!

I fear that if you do what you propose, you are just going to be wasting your time and will end up exactly where you are right now.

Hugs, Didi

[PixieMama]

I hate to say it but I have to agree with Grammadidi's first comment that it sounds like he may already be involved with someone. I have known guys and even caught an ex (which is WHY he is an ex) doing and saying almost the same thing... "I like you, I enjoy your company, but am not interested in a relationship, I like you too much to worry about hurting you in the long run" etc kind of crap. I know you may want to believe guys aren't really like that, and not all of them are (I'm not trying to come off sounding as though all guys are dirt bags - because they are not) but a good majority of them want to have their cake and eat it too. Maybe I'm WAY off base and this isn't the case at all, but that's the first impression I got when I read this and seeing that I wasn't the only one who thought it might be the case, I just want to say that you should proceed with caution if you do choose to pursue him on any level, even as a friend.

[helpnow]

Well I don't get the vibe that there is someone else... I mean he may want to date around and be dating around... hence not wanting a relationship... but I don't think he is already in a relationship or anything and I was the other lady haha. Of course we never made any mention of seeing each other exclusively, so if he was going on dates with other people that is fine... I have been to and will continue to do so until there is a mutual understanding that we aren't going to see other people. Pretty interesting you both got that vibe though. He says the last person he dated dated, and it only lasted a month was back in July. But as far as an actual relationship goes its been a few years.

[helpnow]

Well this might seem kind of silly to use a source... but on his myspace there aren't any pix of women... just him and his guy friends... says singlefor status. You'd think there would be soooome incling of another female if that were the case.

[grammadidi]

Either way, you are looking for reasons to hang on. It's just not fair to guys who ARE honest and up front. He does NOT want a relationship. Let it go... unless you don't mind being hurt in the long run.

Hugs, Didi

[helpnow]

Well I think I will take your advice on the response to his email. I would be a winner either way. :P I will write him now... might as well get it over with. I'll keep you updated if he says anything in return.

[helpnow]

Well I think I will take your advice on the response to his email. I would be a winner either way. :P I will write him now... might as well get it over with. I'll keep you updated if he says anything in return.

[helpnow]

UPDATE:

Well over a week has gone by and he called last night... I actually didn't pick up the first time and he called back again so I answered. He told me that it wasn't that he had a lack of interest in me it was just he didn't want a relationship right now but he wants to keep in touch and who knows in the future what will develop.

I am not going to "wait around" for him... but I do reallllllly like him... more so than any guy I've dated in the past, so I figure it doesn't hurt to keep in touch. I just won't be planning anymore dates with him until he is a little more decisive in what he wants.

[grammadidi]

I think he called last night because you have been 'unavailable'. If you are determined to maintain a 'friendship' with this fellow, realize that it will probably always remain a friendship at best. However, if you are willing to cut ties, you will either have the opportunity of a relationship (which seems to be your ultimate goal with this fellow) or you will move on and find someone else. Don't settle for less than you want.

Hugs, Didi

[N0help4u]

Just accept his friendship and don't look for more. If you push for a relationship or else it most probably will end any communication with him. In the meantime, he knows you really like him and if 'n when he is ready to get more serious he will let you know. Sometimes it is better to accept having a really great friend that is there for years down the road than push for a relationship and it gets rocky and you end up irreconcilable differences and never talking to each other again.

[helpnow]

Both of your quotes at the end are good. Well I am not pushing for anything... in fact I am not contacting him at all. Any communication will be driven by him and him alone. I don't want to drive him away and I also don't want to be pursuing a relationship with someone that doesn't want one with me. I enjoy talking to him, he is hilarious. I enjoy his company. So it really is OK if we maintain a friendship and that is all. I of course can hope for more... but I am not banking on it. I will continue to go out and date as I am sure he will too. I think deep down that if he reallllly was into me or any girl for that matter that all of his "reasons" for not wanting a relationship would go away. So maybe I am just not the girl for him and I have to accept that.

[grammadidi]

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I hope it works out the way you want it to, but you're right. If he was really into you he'd probably forget all those other reasons for not wanting a relationship. :) However, you never know. It sounds like he will make a good friend, and as long as you are okay with that, it's a good plan. Many good solid relationships start as friendships.

Good luck!

Hugs, Didi

[helpnow]

Well I hadn't talked to Mike since that last conversation and he called me out of the blue last week... I was pretty blunt and said that whatever mythical right timing he is waiting for is crap and if has the feelings for me he claims he does than he needs to pull his head out of his because I am not waiting around for him. I am so eloquent in my words. :P But it must have struck a nerve because the following day he asked me if he could make me dinner sometime next week. I said sure I'd like that. So I have a date with him this Wednesday. Another positive thing is since that conversation where I was so blunt he has called me every day since. ;) Seems like he is showing a lot more interest and initiative then before. However my caution lights are up. I also told him I only allow one move to slip by and he used his up. :P

I highly enjoy putting men in their place.

[SoLittleTime]

I have been told the same thing by my now ex of 3 months - and we were together 2 years. I basically thought that our love (or at least mine) was strong enough for him to want to make a long term commitment like marriage. But he didn't want a relationship in the beginning, then when we had the relationship going great he didn't want to make any future plans, etc. Then after we moved in together almost 2 years into the relationship (that he never really wanted), he moved out after we had the same fight about commitment. We are older so I am not in 'dating' mode anymore - I am in it for the long haul. I guess I just couldn't grasp why with such awesome chemistry and great relationship otherwise - that he couldn't say forever. I know he isn't seeing anyone else because we are still in the same circle of friends and I would def hear about it.

Anyway I am completely torn up about it, it has hit pretty badly. I love him very much. At first when he left he said he needed some time away to figure things out, and decide what he really wants. Then as the weeks went on he became more settled into being away from me - but kept stringing me along by telling me he is miserable without me but that he needs this time. He told me last week that he loves me but just doesn't want the same things right now and instead of torturing ourselves over it we need to break it off. I told him I am willing to let all of my demanding commitment go now that I may lose him. I honestly do see how I pushed and pushed, and pushed him right out the door with that. No dice, he wants to be alone - says he is happier and is not interested in any sort of relationship now but that he doesn't want to know about my social/dating life because it makes him crazy jealous. But that he just isn't ready so I should see if someone else out there is better for me.

I still cannot believe it is over, I truly thought he was the one. I can't help putting myself in situations where he will see me again to see if it sparks anything with him.

So I am curious, what ever happened with you and Mike helpnow - are you still dating?

[helpnow]

Nope not dating anymore. We kept in touch for a while and actually I developed a very close friendship with some of his friends ironically that I hang out with all the time... but as for me and him... he wasn't the one. Generally if there is chemistry there but a guy doesn't want to commit its because ultimately they want to play the field for a while. It doesn't mean that they don't care about your or even love you... it just means that they are not in a place in there life where they are going to tie themselves down. Lots of guys out there are commitment phobes. I heard a saying once that for girls it's the right guy and for guys it's the right time. I completely agree with that. The person and the timing just has to be right. Maybe down the road in a year or two if you've kept in touch he will have matured and want to take it more seriously... but I wouldn't hold your breath. You may miss out on someone that you have chemistry with and wants what you want NOW.

I am now dating someone entirely new... actually a co-worker of mine. We've been together for about 4 months and is going well. :)