[fed-up]

My husband constantly puts me down. Not just name calling (example: hoe, *****) but also personal insults like stupid, lazy, fat, and makes me feel bad for not working. I only have a high school diploma and can't afford child-care. We have three kids, and I am pregnant again. I got pregnant on the birth control pill. He refuses to get a vasectomy. I am only 27 with almost four kids. He wants to have sex all the time, he makes me feel bad when I turn him down. He says he will find someone to "give it to him" if I won't. So I just do it a lot of times to keep him happy. He hates to acknowledge that I am (six months) pregnant. He won't feel the baby move, or let me discuss baby names. He won't let me go baby shopping with his mother. He told me the other day that he hates kids and he hates babies, and he never wanted kids. He says life would be so much better without them. He says he only married me because I was pretty, but now my looks have "slipped". He calls me selfish, and he won't spend any time with me outside of home. He won't ever let me have any money except for groceries, he empties out my purse and takes every dime I have. He won't participate in family activities like holidays or dinners, and he gets angry with me when I convince him to go. He makes me run all kinds of errands for him, all the time, but he gets mad at me when I mess up things or don't do it "right". He doesn't like me to do anything special for or with the kids, he even gets mad when I mention us doing things together as a family, saying I want too much from him. He never does anything with the kids, he makes them "go away" all the time, because they "bother" him. He has hit me before (before we were married, I was pregnant with our second child), I had to call the police on him because he was drunk. He doesn't drink anymore, he used to a lot because he was a police officer, but he isn't anymore. So the drinking isn't so bad anymore. But just the other night I tried to get some of the blankets from him in bed, and he got mad and almost punched me (close to my stomach), and I yelled at him because it scared me, being pregnant and all, but he got madder and came at my face like he was going to hit me, but stopped right before me and called me a stupid *****. I was terrified. He does not normally hit me, but I know he would. He won't talk to me reasonably. He ignores me, and when I cry he says I need medication. He blames me for all of our problems, and never himself. He is stubborn. I don't know what to do. I have too many kids to leave him. I don't have any money or the abilities to make much. I just like him to stay at work and leave me and my kids alone.

Is this an abusive or bad relationship?

(*note: sorry for the "bad" language.)

[SSchultz0956]

He's extremely abusive and I as a man and husband am appalled at what he says and does to you. Don't let him get away with it. Don't call him a man because a real man would not treat his wife that way. Think about your kids. How will they treat other people when they are older after years of watching your husband treat you this way? You need to make some changes and fix the problem. I have no right to say how or by what means you should do so, but your kids will end up just like him if he doesn't change.

[momincali]

Pack your bags and your kids and leave now!! Right now!! Worst case scenario if you have to go to a women's shelter then do it. For the sake of your kids and unborn baby. Please don't pretend like you don't know if this is abuse or not. Whether you like it or not, you are also abusing your kids by allowing this to happen around them. They don't need a man like them in their environment. He is not their dad, he may have donated the sperm, but he does not behave like the loving responsible man that is called a dad. Get them and yourself out of there and don't ever go back no matter what he says. Let him cry, scream, threaten, whatever, don't go back. If you don't fear for your life, fear for your kid's lives. It's in your hands. Go to a local church and see how they can help. Contact an out of state relative if you have one and live there. I'm glad you stay home to take care of your kids, but when you leave, you may have to get a job to get on your feet. You have no choice. Please, please don't stay there with this person. He is not good and nothing good will come of it. Look for help until you find it. Don't give up. Find help on the internet. Pray, anything, just get out before he comes home from work. Don't think for a moment he would never hurt your kids, he has already said he hates them, he doesn't care. Please take care of them and do what you have to, it's hard but not impossible!!

[shenda]

You have willingly stayed with a man that constantly attacks the strength of your well-being... your state of mind.

First, know that you, the reason for the air you breathe stems beyond vending children. Children are a blessing, and you are abundantly blessed; however, do not ever allow his actions and words to eat at your core. You know that this type of treatment is not what you want, nor is it what you deserve. You must know that. You know that you want someone to love, respect and honor you. Do not be afraid to seek after that you desire. To leave him now, with your present state of mind will result in you attracting the same domination... so free yourself. Many people tell me that they do not know the first thing about freeing themselves from abusive language while still present in the atmosphere. So I will suggest to you... it is a decision you will value in time, it is also a decision that you must make. Sometimes, fear of the unknown hinders people from moving forward, so they stagnate their own progression.

You are a mother of four, you are responsible for your own mental health and for the well-being of your children. This is your perspective. The fact that you are married to a man that sufficiently provides the basics must be evaluated by your own standard. Is that enough. Is that All that matters to you. The fact that you are reaching out, suggests to me that you want more, yet you are afraid, not sure how to go about it. First, resolve within the core of your being that change is what you want and the pain, the uncertainty of forward moving is worth venturing out, it has to hold more value to you, now and forevermore. You must assign a high value to your well being, to the well being of your children in order to accomplish what you desire. When you are ready, do not doubt or dec'v yourself... do not think that you are better enduring this abuse... so you may not, at first, have all of the comforts, but you can re-establish your stability. I know that wherever you live, there are programs to help. Seek them out. However, it would be narrow-minded of me to think that you want out... sometimes to vent is enough to fortify the strength to endure, to continue to sacrifice yourself for the sake of your children. This way you do not have to worry about certain things, certain aspects that may become challenging if you leave. Whatever you decide, will not be an easy choice. To continue to live in your present state, or to venture out, to travel unto sunshiny days that await; however, those same days can be experienced with your husband. The choice is yours. If you would rather endure with your husband, at some point, you will need to seek someone whom your husband respects enough to become accountable to him/her/them. You must breach your silence and live, do not be afraid... silence kills and it says to your husband, "That it is OK for him to treat you any ole' way". It is not. And you know that to be true. Speak up. A clergy person, his parents, your parents, a friend... find someone, if you are planning to stay. However, if you decide to leave, if it is possible, go back home to your parents until you can get a handle on your new day. I must admit, it angers me to see, to know of such things. My eyes have seen so many women loose themselves to abusive husbands and boyfriends because they are afraid to confront their fear. If I may say, Confront what fears you, it does not have the power over you that you have given it. Confront and kill your fear before it robs you of a more excellent way to experience life. YOu are worthy and deserving of it, if only you believe.From the way he sounds, He is not the best thing since Eli's Cheesecake. Do what makes you feel right, let not your fear temper your action.

[dimples]

Be good to yourself & leave the guy. He is a loser & an abusive husband so thee is no reason to stand by him. Girl, when a man starts hitting you, chances are it would not stop anytime sooner. Do not put yourself through more pain than you have already been through. You are young. You still have a lot of hope & starting life anew with your kids would not be impossible. Have your friends & family know the gravity of the situation & let them help you. Do not take the abuses & not do anything about it. He may be abusing you now but in a few years time, he would most likely do the same to youe kids. So, for your sake as well as theirs, pack yor bags & get out the door. Your husband does not need COMPASSION.

[jurplesman]

Hello fed-up,

I can only agree with the comments made by the other posters. But I also understand that it is not easy to leave on the spot. As a retired Probation and Parole Officer I am familiar with the situation you are in .

My advice is to CAREFULLY plan your escape from the situation. On top of that I have a feeling that the man can be violent. I have a suspicion that your man is a dry alcoholic, still suffering from a metabolic disorder that brought him to drink in the past. There are agencies that help women in your situation. You need to build up your social support. Have you any family members who can help or trusted friend? Here in Australia we have voluntary organisations that help women, called "Women Refuges". They help women escape from violent home situations.

Also if you have the time, study our self-help PSYCHOTHERAPY course. You will find a description of your husband in Transactional Analysis as a person who is in "The I am Right Position"

I sincerely hope you find a solution to your problem.

[rkim291968]

I usually try to imagine the other side on a case like this because many who brings this type of discussion on this board is giving his/her side of story only. But even if 1/10th of what you say is true, your husband is abusive. Good luck and best of wishes to you.

[fredg]

Hi,
I am so sorry to read all this.
You are in a terrible situation, and pregnant again?
Where is your family? I mean, Mom and Dad, or brothers or sisters?
Is there any of your family you could go live with?
You definitely need to get away from this man. If you had the money, you need to call a lawyer now, and start getting Separation Papers drawn up.
As another said, you can contact groups that will help you. Do you have a Social Services Department in the area in which you live? Or something similar? If so, go talk with them.
There may be State agencies that can help you with money, but you will have to leave this man. Your health and happiness, and wellbeing of your children will be much better away from him.
I sincerely wish you good luck.

[barelyhopeless]

It is easy for people to just say get out! I was in an abusive relationship. I had finally took a job but, wasn't allowed my paychecks. I already had a child before I met him and then after I had his and while I was pregnant that's when it started. With my last paycheck, I left when he was gone and put a payment on an apartment, and had electricity turn on. I was planning on leaving and it is hard. The last time I lived with him, I had to run down the street and call the cops. I did have a restraining order I broke by going back to him for the last time. I had no money so I felt I had to to feed the children. When the cops came out they told me I had to leave my daughter behind because I broke the order which gave me custody, I refused. I told them they could not make me leave without my daughter to call a supervisor out. A supervisor arrived and she said if I would have left, I would have not been able to take my daughter because I would have broke the custody part of it. Since I was outside of the house the cops told me I could only get a few things very quickly. I went in and picked up an extra pair of clothes for my son, daughter, and myself and that's it. When I moved in the apartment, I had to borrow pillows and blankets, this was all we had. Now I have a loving husband who has never hit me and he treats the children as if they were his own. It took over 7 years for him to find me. I was not looking at all. Our life isn't perfect, we have both had to deal with each other's ex but, at least mine has no clue of where I am at now. His ex is a whole different unbelieveable story. My daughter does not see her father and that was her choice, she was terrifed of him. My daughter did see him for a while at first, but she wanted to end the relationship with him. Both of my children have seen too much. There is hope, it will be hard. What do your children think? Children are smarter than most people give them credit for! I don't understand why some men are like this.

[makandi]

Iwas married at a very tender age of 21 didn't have any source of income by then my spouce was not working.my husband used to be viloent and calls me all sorts of names used to drink a lot but recently he stopped but he hardly spents some time with me and my baby girl he is never apologetic and hauls at me when I question him.he really makes love to me I have tried every thing to maker it work but it not he still comments badly about me and it seems not to bother him I am a graduate looking for a job and does a business to support myself and our family of which he doesn't appreciate.he works with a well paying organisation .this man really makes love to me and when I ask more he says that I love sex a lot and other times calls me lazy in bed when I complain of acertain position that hurts me.do why think I am in an abusive relationship,despite that this man tries to provide for his family but do not care about my feelings? note that we are not yet legaly married

[makandi]

Iwas married at a very tender age of 21 didn't have any source of income by then my spouce was not working.my husband used to be violent and calls me all sorts of names used to drink a lot but recently he stopped but he hardly spends some time with me and my baby girl he is never apologetic and hauls at me when I question him.he rarely makes love to me I have tried every thing to maker it work but it not he still comments badly about me and it seems not to bother him I am a graduate looking for a job and does a business to support myself and our family of which he doesn't appreciate.he works with a well paying organisation .this man rarely makes love to me and when I ask more he says that I love sex a lot and other times calls me lazy in bed when I complain of acertain position that hurts me.do why think I am in an abusive relationship,despite that this man tries to provide for his family but do not care about my feelings? note that we are not yet legaly married

[kiaunna]

Why would you stay wit him if he is abusive if I was you I would pack my bags up and leave and won't BACK BECAUSE I FEEL IF A MAN BEAT ME THE FIRST TIME I WOULD LEAVE HIM AND NEVER LOOK BACK

[naupaktos]

My answer is, Look for yourself and do not saw anybody especially to those animals that you are like a chicken. Stand up for yourself and your kids, because if anything happens to you tomorrow, your kids will pay their life price and NOT HIM!!

[KitKat59]

T is so easy for everyone to tell you to, get out as fast as you can. You know he is abusive. I'm sure he tells you can't go anywhere. You can't support the kids and no one will ever want you not with the kids. It can be done it takes a lot of strength from you. You can find, look into your kids eyes think of them. I've been there it took me way too long to. I was convinced I could never make it. I would fail, sometimes thinking back, the words hurt more than the beatings. You need to make a plan, think about where you will go, get a job. Ask family for help. Or at least tell them what is happening. Call an abused hot line they can help you. You are being abused, you might not know it now, but so are your children, they hear they see. They don't forget, and they will talk and treat you just like you husband does. They don't know any different. To them that's the way it is. I'm by far means no expert. I lived it for 13 years. I waited too long. I see everything bad that he did to me in my children. The way they treat their Husbands girlfriends children and me. I wish you luck you can find the strength it's there you just have to believe you are better. You can make it.