[RobinF]

Hello! Im a 17 year old boy who lives in the small scandinavian country of sweden. Last summer I was home alone while the rest of my family was on vacation in spain. I was pretty much into online computer games, and still am. One day I met this girl online in a game which I quickly started to have frequent conversations with. More and more we started talking about relationships, our own relationships and things related to it. She was 20 years old and live in Finland, to the east of sweden over the sea. After a while it was clear that we both wanted to see each other, because we seemed like such a good match. But she already had a boyfriend. But somehow she didn't feel he was the one for her. So I sort of helped her to get rid of him, but I wanted her to do it for her own sake, since he made her feel miserable. By helping I mean telling her what I thought she should do. After a while she did end their relationship. She then told me that we just had to meet now, and god I couldn't have been more happy. In September one year ago she flew over to me, and I picked her up at the local airport. I was so nervous that day, but we were such a match in real life as well. I even kissed her after 5 minutes.
We were in love, and we continued to see each other once a month for 5 days or so. I've heard that that's a lot compared to other long distance relationships. While we weren't together we talked on Msn(a chat program). But at some point in April or May things started to go downwards, but not in a very noticeable way. We started to have small fights for the first time, and other things as intimate and sexual events occurred less, she stopped to appreciate all the favours I did for her, like doing the dishes, cleaning up after her cat which always peed on the floor instead of in the catbox. I had no clue of what was going on, and due to this I think I said some things which I shouldn't have said, I really regret that. When it was time for us to separate it always felt as if our fights had blown over and we were like we used to be again. So I never suspected she would break up with me. I flew over to her a few weeks before the summer vacation started and things was awesome that time. No fights and no arguing or anything. However, I did sat in front of her computer at some times, and I really shouldn't have done that, and how I regret it. She said it was OK for me to sit there if I wanted, but actually she didn't think it was OK. Of course I didn't know that was what she actually thought at that point. When I was about to go home she started talking about marriage, she said things like "What if we get married someday", and I really felt that she love me so much, seeing that she tells me things like that. Of course I didn't really take it serious, I was still way to young for something like that, but I knew I love her, so I didn't turn her down, I just said "hehe, maybe we do".

Continues in next post

[RobinF]

Anyway... When I got home, and we started to talk on Msn as usual, I felt this weird tension and once again I got confused and scared of her leaving me. So we started fighting again, and we both felt really bad, couldn't agree on anything. But as summer vacation drew closer, she still wanted me to come home to her and be with her during the summer. Although she had work during the entire summer except for a week at the end of it free, I agreed of coming there. So on the first day of my summer vacation I flew to Finland. And on the first day something went wrong. I wondered why she didn't want to be close to me, and she said she has to "get used to me being there", that has never happened before, so it scared the hell out of me. And I was so emotionally confused by then so I didn't have any patience at all, we started fighting again, but we both apologised the next morning as she was going to work. Day after day I sat in her apartment waiting for her, walking her dog everyday, feeding her cats. She worked very long days, about 13 hours a day to be exact, that is a lot, so I understood that she was tierd and didn't really felt like doing much when she got home. Day after day we did the same thing, I took care of her animals, made dinner every day, and tried to support her as much as I could. But since our relationship wasn't as usual I was very confused and scared. We fought sometimes she said bad things just as much as I did. But we always apologised a short time after.
I had a very good connection with her friends, and one day I was doing pizza with one of them until she and her other friend came home from work. The one I was making pizza with asked me if everything was all right, she had seen that I was looking down. She told me that I can speak with her if I wanted, that she wouldn't tell her about what I've said. And confused and scared and probably desperate as I was I talked to her about it. Which I think is the worst mistake I've done in my entire life! Of course she heard about what I had said, everything got out. We had such a fight. She screamed that I was the worst thing that has ever happened to her and that she hated me more then anything ( she used to say that I was the BEST thing that had happen to her ). We screamed and yelled at each other, and something in my head just said boom, and I went into the bathroom screaming and beating myself in the face. She ran in there and slapped the right side of my shoulder. As I turned around I fell into her arms and we both cried and asked for forgiveness. We then had a long talk about our relationship and what had happened right now. For the first time she admitted that she can do things wrong as well ( before it was always always always my fault for every fight ). And that was the last time we fought before her 1 week of free time came. We then went to my home in sweden. We had such a good time, we were kissing hugging and cuddling as we used to do when we met. And not just that, we weren't even close to fighting, we laughed all the time when we talked. It felt like everything that had happened that summer and just the short time before that had blown over. When we then separated she wanted me to come with her, but I felt like I should spend some time with my friend the short time that was left of the summer vacation. That was all right. We decided that we should take a little break so that she could finnish her work in peace. Before I walked away from her at the airport she told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her again, that she really love me and that she can't wait until the next time we meet.

Continues in next post

[RobinF]

When I got home I saw a big note on my desk saying the same thing, "I LOVE YOU! Hope to see you again soon!". I felt so relived inside, and my love for her was still the way it was since the first day we met. It always was like that for me, I never ever doubted my love to her.

We talked just a few times on Msn during the next month.
But then, one night when I was watching a movie with my friend, she calls me on my cell, saying that she thinks we shouldn't be together anymore. I get completley stunned! I had no clue why, my eyes got filled with tears as she tried to explain.
She said that she doesn't feel good in our relationship anymore and that she doesn't feel the same for me. She said that during the time of not talking so much she had time to think, she said that this was for both of us, that it would be the best that way. I asked if she had met someone else, but she just got mad at me saying no. Surprisingly I didn't start to act aggressivly, I calmy heard her out, she said that that felt good. The way I responded. I told her that I never deliberately tried to hurt her ( One very normal reason for the fights we had was because I said that I think she acted in a weird way sometimes, things like ridiculous or very mean. When I said that she always got so sad and mad at me. I mean come on! You have to be able to tell your girlfriend that you think what she did was wrong, but she always got so mad... and that was one of her reasons to end our relationship, she said I had changed into a mean guy, and I thought she had changed in any way I can think of at this moment. But I still loved her ), and that I'd do anything to make it work again. But she said it was to late. I then told her I needed some time to think myself now, so we ended that conversation there. Next day I did another HUGE mistake. I called her and begged for another chance, this however just pushes her further away from me, and I regret doing that as well. And the day after that I once again called her and apologised for what I did the night before, I said I'm not going to hang on her, but give her her space, she was pleased to hear that.

I haven't heard anything from here since...

Well that was my story, I haven't included every detail because that would be impossible to recall in once sweep.
Im just so miserable, I haven't got much sleep since that night, which yesterday was one month ago. I don't know what to do, I really have learned from my mistakes and I'm 100% sure I won't do them again. I love her of all my heart and I just can't let go of her. I don't know if it would help if she knew that, but it might at least make her reconsider. The things she said to me the last time we saw each other keeps me thinking this must just have been a decicion made in an impulse. If this will be her final decicion.. so be it ( she told me that if I really love her, I shall respect her decision. And that is what I do, because I love her) . I am mature enough to know that a relationship can't maintain if there's not 2 hearts beating in it.
But I'm asking for any tip or advice that I can get on getting her back. I know most will tell me to get over her and move on, I'm still young etc etc. Im very well aware of that, but its so easy to say for others who are not in my situation. And if you think there's no way to get her back please tell me how to get over her, everything reminds me of her, I see her face everywhere.. especially in my dreams. And at this point I just can't see myself with anyone else then her. I just want to go back to feeling all right, hopefully with her, but if that's not the case without her.
This post might be blurry, so if you don't understand, please ask me. Im still in emotional distress. My mother has recently gone through a bonemarrow transplantation and is in very bad shape, the doctors don't even know if she's going to make it. So with that on my mind as well it feels like I can't go on for much longer...

Can someone please help me? Feel free to ask for any detail.

Thanks on advance! //
Robin ( in sweden it's a male name as well )

[fredg]

Hi,
Yours is the longest question I have seen thus far!
If I were you, at your age, and with your Mom health in its condition, I would focus on my Mom.
Your Mom needs you, and needs whatever comfort you can give her. You have plenty of time to meet new girls. You will also, like other normal people, probably have many "loves" before you get married, or find someone who you respect and who respects you, and loves you, too.
Don't let "love problems" interfere with taking care of your mother, and helping her through this, one way or another. I do sincerely wish your mother the best, and you, too.
Best of luck,
fredg

[RobinF]

Thanks for your answer Fredg!
I am very aware of the fact that my mother needs me, and I support her in the best way I can. But there's not really much I can do since she's hospitalized, and I can't visit her that often since its far away. Plus that I'm scared of bringing some desiese to her since her immune defence isn't functional. But I do speak with her on the phone almost every day.

My ex really helped me stay focused when I was low, it feels like one of my legs has been torn off.

But I asure you I won't leave my mothers side under any circumstances :)
Thanks

[s_cianci]

It sounds as if this woman's emotionally unstable and doesn't really know what she wants. As hard as it may be to accept, she sounds like a bad egg and not a good catch. I'd move on in pursuit of bigger and better things. Find someone who's sure of herself and won't play head games with you. That's what you need and deserve so don't settle for anything less.

[RobinF]

Hmm, one part of me totally agrees with you, but the other thinks that she still is the one I want to be with ( might just be like because she was the one breaking up with me, of course I still have my love for her ).
Because she only was like this at the end of the relationship, before that which is about 9-10 months we were so totally sure of that it was us. She always asked me to stay with her forever when I was at her place.

But OK.. I know you are probably right. But how do I get over her? I'm pretty sure that at some point she will call me or contact me in some way and then all my feelings will explode once again. I just can't get the visions of her with someone else out of my head... her sweet lips touching someone else's... she smiling with her totally adorable smile on a cold winter night against someone else. I know that these thoughts are selfinflicted but how do I get rid of them in the best way?

Thanks

[fredg]

Hi,
It's hard to get over someone, especially when one has very deep feelings about another.
Try meeting other people. I am so glad to hear that you love your Mother, and talk with her.
Meantime, I pray that you will meet someone new. As another post said, you really, really deserve more. There is someone out there for you, that will show you the same great respect that you possess.
Are there any groups you can become part of? Such as maybe hospital volunteer work? Just anything that will allow you to be around others. You will meet a person who will be right for you.

[Chery]

Hi,
Yours is the longest question I have seen thus far!
If I were you, at your age, and with your Mom health in its condition, I would focus on my Mom.
Your Mom needs you, and needs whatever comfort you can give her. You have plenty of time to meet new girls. You will also, like other normal people, probably have many "loves" before you get married, or find someone who you respect and who respects you, and loves you, too.
Don't let "love problems" interfere with taking care of your mother, and helping her through this, one way or another. I do sincerely wish your mother the best, and you, too.
Best of luck,
fredg

Fredq - if this is the one you meant in the PM, then I did not even read this thread, if you noticed, it's my first post to it... Have a good one.

[s_cianci]

hmm, one part of me totally agrees with you, but the other thinks that she still is the one i wanna be with ( might just be like because she was the one breaking up with me, of course i still have my love for her ).
Because she only was like this at the end of the relationship, before that which is about 9-10 months we were so totally sure of that it was us. She always asked me to stay with her forever when i was at her place.

But ok.. i know you are probably right. But how do i get over her? im pretty sure that at some point she will call me or contact me in some way and then all my feelings will explode once again. I just can't get the visions of her with someone else out of my head... her sweet lips touching someone else's... she smiling with her totally adorable smile on a cold winter night against someone else. I know that these thoughts are selfinflicted but how do i get rid of em in the best way?

thanks

She may have some positive qualities that make her fun to be with, even if it's only for a good "piece of ***." However, to have a meaningful successful relationship requires much more than that. This woman sounds like she's self-centered, manipulative and really doesn't give a damn about you as a person. Is this really the type person you'd want to spend the rest of your life with? Maybe you need to dwell strictly on her negaive qualities for a while. Perhaps you should actually sit down and make a list of all of her negative traits and only her negative traits. You may experience an initial about of "writer's block" but I bet you'll be surprised at what reveals itself once the ideas start flowing. Understand that this is not intended to be mean or vindictive but simply to cast things in a more realisitc light and get you to stop idolizing her so much. I feel that if you do this, you will be able to get over her and you'll no longer have to feel so bad about the whole situation.

[RobinF]

She may have some positive qualities that make her fun to be with, even if it's only for a good "piece of ***." However, to have a meaningful successful relationship requires much more than that. This woman sounds like she's self-centered, manipulative and really doesn't give a damn about you as a person. Is this really the type person you'd want to spend the rest of your life with? Maybe you need to dwell strictly on her negaive qualities for a while. Perhaps you should actually sit down and make a list of all of her negative traits and only her negative traits. You may experience an intial bout of "writer's block" but I bet you'll be surprised at what reveals itself once the ideas start flowing. Understand that this is not intended to be mean or vindictive but simply to cast things in a more realisitc light and get you to stop idolizing her so much. I feel that if you do this, you will be able to get over her and you'll no longer have to feel so bad about the whole situation.

You are totally right. I admit that I have been somewhat possesst by this girl. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time to let go...
And no, she's not just a fine "Piece of ***", I'm not saying she's not but there's so much else to it. We share almost the same interests , and our way of thinking is almost the same.
Anyhow, I will try what you said for sure!
Thanks!

[shenda]

You are quite sensitive, while yet misguided. This is not a bad thing, it just needs an alignment shift.

Your beloved needs a strong man, one who is confident, as well as caring. There is no question that you are a caring man; your experience with your mother has made it so; however, beguiled by your beloved's friend due to your unrealized confidence.

Sometimes in life, especially when matters of the heart give notice unto confusing and frustrating atmospheres, it is essential to evaluate the "why" in it all. Why you desire such a person unto why present circumstances dominates the atmosphere within your control. Nothing outside of you has the power, the ability to shake or move you without your permission.

For whatever reason I share that with you; however, you must know that both your mother and your beloved will extract certain characteristical traits from you which will meet the present need. It is essential to remain sensitive to each as separate entities, as not to misinterpret indications present.

Think about it, your beloved is at the age whereby marriage is on the horizon, she seeks a Good Name, which translates among other things, a man with a respectable presence who makes her feel safe in his arms. Time spent together fortified her desire to see such a man in you; however, she encountered the caring soul who gave of himself in a great manner as he would unto his own mother. This is great, women desire to know that the man their heart is set upon shares a great love for his mother; it is admired and highly respected, so add to that an alignment shift of depending on unto being depended on.

You are young with a strong future ahead, your beloved needs to be reminded of that. She needs to remember that she is now, where you are on your way too. Your education is vital, sacrifice it not. If she is willing to embrace the reality that confronts her, so be it, if not, know that a maiden in due season will be honored and overwhelmed to encounter such a Gent that you are.

[RobinF]

So you are saying that it's a very good thing, the caring soul of mine. But it just isn't what she was looking for?
If that would be the case I do understand it.
I might have missunderstood something, my knowledge in english isn't that great, but I don't think I acted against her in a way without respect ( Its very easy to sound like you're not respecting the other person in an argumentation. But both inside and outside the argumentations I always respected her, and in my opinion acted like it ) or as a non-respectable person. Or maybe that's just what I think I am and did.
I know I am sensitive, abit too much to be honest, might be what ruined it all.

Here's a little update:
We had a talk on the phone last night, about the things that went wrong. The main reason now was because I had changed into a much more imature being then I was when we met. We talked about the events that happened during our fights, and I wasn't blaming on her, the only thing I could say to her was that I was emotionally instable at that time, and I really couldn't help overeacting as I did according to her. But it felt like she was just ignoring my explinations.
Anyway it felt like she was happy talking with me again ( after a month of not talking at all ). I told her about what was going on in my life, I told her about my mothers state ( which is pretty good at the moment! :) ), I told her about the band me and some friends are going to start, just to get out of the computer line, get to feel other things has to offer, we laughed a lot about that and had a really good time over the phone.
At an early state of our conversation I asked if she was thinking anything at all of trying once again ( not in a begging way, I know better then to beg again... ), and she said that she wasn't and probably won't. But she do said that in time she wants to be friends with me, and still meet me to hang out or something. I did felt this uncertain thing in her voice. Im just so confused with what she wants. Everyone is saying it, one even posted it here.. that she is very uncertain of what she wants, and it feels like that is very true.

It might feel to you people that I am stubborn, which I probably am! And I won't give up easily. But just so you know, I do appreciate what you tell me, and what you tip me with! I try to rebuild my way of looking at things with what you write as a guide! And I am really happy that you help me! :)

Thanks!

P.S Thanks for the compliments from everyone, it really strengthens my confidence! D.S

[Chery]

During your lifetime, you will probably not be able to keep up with the 'relationships' you will have, they will be too many to count. But how many friends? - friends who understand you, have seen you grow, and gone through troubled times with you, can you count? Probably only on one hand. So take it from there, be respectful, accept her friendship - you will maybe benefit from that later. This will hurt you a little now, but later on in years, you will have fond memories, and that is also valuable to have. Good Luck.

[RobinF]

I guess you are right. But at least at this point I have a hard time to realize it for real. But this is what I'll do:

I will respect her decision, I won't be hanging on her like some guys do, I really want to keep her in my life, so I'm just going to be nice to her, and try to have as much fun with her as possible, and really value her friendship. As chery meant in her post, the kind of friend she would make isn't something you can get your hands on easily.
The future is unpredictable.. But for now I'm just going to focus on my things here at home, support my mother and have fun with my friends, and of course do a good job with school!

we will see what happens in the future, maybe she'll change her mind, maybe she won't, maybe we both agree on being friends is for the best.

All I can say is.. Time will tell!

[Chery]

Now, you're talking. At least you know this friend will not guide you the wrong way and won't lie to you just to be on your 'good side' for their own benefit.