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romesgirl · Oct 4, 2007, 09:27 AM

My boyfriend keeps on saying he wants to go to the club. The first time he seid something he was like I want to go on Halloween and I told him he could go but id go to a wild party if he went. Then he told his friend he might go this weekend. Hes 18 and I'm 17 otherwise wede go together. Personally the only reason guys go to the club in my mind is if they are going to meet someone or to dance with girls. I don't want to tell him that because I don't want him to question my trust, but I don't think its right for him to go out dance with girls and me stuck at home doing nothing.

GlindaofOz · Oct 4, 2007, 09:34 AM

Why are you stuck at home doing nothing? You don't have to sit around while he is out. You could plan a girls night and do something fun with your friends.

First of all is the only reason you go out anywhere to meet guys? My guess is no. Guys like to go out and hang out together and do their guy stuff. As you get older you will see the value of a boyfriend have guys night and you having girls night. If you trust him there should be no problems.

One of the best relationships I knew of worked this way (granted the people in question were 27 and 33) but Friday night was Guys/Girls night. So my friend would make big fun plans with us and her boyfriend would make plans with his friends. Saturday would be a night for us all to hang out together which was great since we all got along with her boyfriend and his friends and Sunday was their day. It worked great for them. You need time to hang out with friends in a relationship a relationship is not about being together all the time

romesgirl · Oct 4, 2007, 10:59 AM

I don't go out to clubs or anything like that because I'm content with the man I have. He works 6-6 during the week so I barely see him. Me and my friends do hang out and let the guys go out and go wherever. I just feel that he's going to the club to meet girls due to something he asked me a month ago. I think I should talk to him and tell him how I feel and let him go. I could always go to my friends house and we could plan something to do for the night.

GlindaofOz · Oct 4, 2007, 11:02 AM

Well if you don't trust him that's a completely different story.

If he is going out to cheat maybe its time you reconsider your relationship. You deserve more then some guy who is actively looking to cheat.

Hazzard · Oct 4, 2007, 12:54 PM

Personally I think your right I'm a 18 year old bloke and my missus is 17 and in all fairness id let her go out with her male friends anytime I'm firm yet fair it's like she's OK to go out with other blokes aslong as nothing dodgy happens and if it does she knows its over like that as I'm pretty close with her friends and they would tell me if she did anything with another man but there's always room for doubt key point is speak to him say you feel its unfair that he gets to have all the fun while your stuck at home these are the best years of your life go out and use them wisely

Best wishes

Hazzard

statictable · Oct 4, 2007, 01:53 PM

Don't turn this into a conflict. Look back to when you first met. Was he into clubing then or has it come about recently. For you to tell him you'll go to your own wild party if he goes to a club is very provocative and will throw another tarp on communications; not smart to do if you see the relationship as long term. I would think there are many things going on at a club, relaxing and talking with friends, etc but you are not alone with your concerns and once you've sharpened the communications the 2 of you should calmly talk about each other's goals, needs and what each is willing to put into a relationship in order to keep it strong, healthy and secure and remember he may simply be going to a club to unwind, relax and chat with the boys which may not be a bad idea and he might not have any desire to meet some exotic woman and hide in an ally while she sucks on his eyeballs. Such opportunities have been present for years and he's with you not other women. Both of you have lots of time so go easy and try on your great smile and trust till there's a concrete reason not to.

macksmom · Oct 4, 2007, 03:46 PM

You need to understand that being 18 is a milestone... he is finally allowed in clubs. That is a big thing for 18 year olds. His guy friends are probably really wanting him to go.

How long until you turn 18?

Maybe you could sit down and talk to him. The main focus of a "club" is dancing. So if you tell him that is why you are concerned... just talk to him. Tell him you don't mind him going to hang out with his friends, but you would prefer him not to be grinding on every girl that looks his way.

Trust is a big thing. If he thinks you don't trust him, your relationship is slowly going to crumble.

The same thing is going to happen when he turns 21 and you are still 20. He is going to want to go out to the bars. 18 and 21 are big milestones, and people want to experience what they once couldn't.

I agree with everyone else... plan a night of your own. Have a fun girls night!

My husband and I set up guy nights and girl nights. You need to have that time with your friends. These kind of things make a relationship stronger.

talaniman · Oct 4, 2007, 09:30 PM

I think I should talk to him and tell him how I feel and let him go.

He is 18, neither his mama or you, can tell a grown man what to do. Either trust him, or give him his freedom. How long does a relationship last, if one partner tries to control the other?

sarah1989 · Oct 4, 2007, 10:07 PM

Well the first night my ex turned 18 he went out on the town and cheated on me.
So id say its not fair

MissingHim2Much · Oct 4, 2007, 10:47 PM

Going to a club doesn't automatically mean he's going to cheat. And if he is the type to cheat then keeping him home one night isn't going to stop him. And since when did dancing become cheating?

Leidenschaftlich für Wahr · Oct 4, 2007, 11:08 PM

How long have you been dating? Give us a little more background on the relationship...

Anyway, its completely understandable why anyone would feel uncomfortable with their partner going to a club. What's the point of a club? What do you do at a club? You drink, you smoke, you dance, and you flirt.
If it was any less than that then there should be no reason why 'the guys' wouldn't go to a coffeeshop or fishing.
Now, as it has already been stated, 18 is a big thing in a guys life. But it might be that this guy is more focused on this 'im 18 and free' stage of his life than he is in being in a great relationship...

asiaa24 · Oct 5, 2007, 09:20 AM

I'm 24 and I've been down that road but you have to understand that men are going to be men and its probably true that he want to go to dance with other girls or to see who's there that's why as a woman you have to be on your Ps and Qs so you don't have to worry about things like that if you don't want him to go out then you have to do something that's going to top that club such as buying you something skimpy and dance for him yourself trust me he would want to stay at home to get a lap dance from his girl then to go to a club

lifewillbewhatyoumakeit · Oct 5, 2007, 09:30 AM

Nobody has the right to control another persons social life.. event their partner.
If you are with the right person you should know intuitively that they will not cheat on you. Regardless of how attractive they are!

If you try to control someone you will eventually loose them.
It may be easier to know that there is no chance they can cheat or meet someone else when they are with you... but you have to remember whatever will be will be and if he is not for you.. it will come out in the end..

mwilliams15 · Oct 5, 2007, 02:10 PM

I agree with GlendaofOz and Macksmom. However, there are a bunch of drunk slutty girls that come up to guys and just start dancing with them out of no where. If you find out he danced up on another girl, I would definitely be mad. Its just a tough situation. I would like to go out to clubs with my girl friends to just have fun, laugh.. not to dance with any guys. But I know my boyfriend would get mad and worried. Also, I know if he went to a club with his friends I would be upset and worried, but sometimes you just have to let each other do what you want to do. And if you find out he was dancing all on other girls, then you'll know that he's not worth your time. I guess that's the lesson, no one wants to really realize that their bf/gf is up to no good, but sometimes you got to let them do what they want to see that so you can move on. Good luck =)

MissingHim2Much · Oct 5, 2007, 10:36 PM

Bottom line is you can't control another person. My ex used to dance with other woman but he always came home to me. Always! HOWEVER he did leave me for some girl he works with. So do you think I shouldn't have let him have a JOB? My point is, going to clubs or going to work makes no difference if they decide they want someone else you can't prevent it.

self_lnflicted_hell · Oct 6, 2007, 05:30 AM

Ummmm, Me and my Other AND a married couple that we know NEVER go to an alcohol serving establishment without the SO. Our friends have been together 8 years, married for 5, and both agreed that it was best to never go without the other to prevent any distrust from happening. I, on the other hand, moved to my SO's hometown, made new friends and went out a few times without him, he was OK with it, but when he decided that he was going to start going out a lot without me, I freaked out! LOL
I was like "OK, I'm not going out without you anymore cause I feel uncomfortable about you going out without me" May sound childish, but I don't care. It's working great for us, he agrees, as it could cause problems in the future. He's free to go anywhere else he wants and do whatever else he wants (to a point!) just not where there are drunk women looking for man meat! And, as long as we always RESPECT each other, were fine :)

talaniman · Oct 6, 2007, 05:52 AM

Putting your fears, and insecurities, and opinions on someone else rarely works. To make ultimatiums is an invitation for disaster.

self_lnflicted_hell · Oct 6, 2007, 06:33 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Putting your fears, and insecurities, and opinions on someone else rarely works. To make ultimatiums is an invitation for disaster.

No, the bottom line in my post was RESPECT... Don't do things that you wouldn't want done to you.
If we just stay away from those situations, there won't be any problems.

No one has any respect for anyone else anymore. It's all me, me, me. I want, I need, I like... Well what about the other half in your life? Are they happy? Are they fulfilled? Are they secure?

My whole point is that hardly anyone cares anymore... well, in my personal view anyway.

self_lnflicted_hell · Oct 6, 2007, 06:47 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Putting your fears, and insecurities, and opinions on someone else rarely works.

Ya know, this is the second time (as far as I know) that you said this to me.

What exactly is wrong with me using my own experience to answer/respond to a question?

I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it's MY own opinion. What worked/works for me might not always work for others but it MIGHT work for some.

This goes for everyone. Sometimes, you're a little too worried about what EVERYONE else posts, not what the ORIGINAL POSTER asked.

With that said... Have a nice day :D

talaniman · Oct 6, 2007, 07:25 AM

No, the bottom line in my post was RESPECT... Don't do things that you wouldn't want done to you.

I agree and live by this, my only point was that you have to understand and evaluate whether your opinion is so absolute, as to disregard some one else's point of view. You cannot get your way in controlling another human, using RESPECT as a basis of your own opinion. They may feel differently. Respect is a two way street, not a weapon of manipulation, and if you demand it, you must give it.