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star3114 · Oct 3, 2007, 07:30 PM

Okay, my husband and I have had issues for quite some time. For a time we separted and he convinced me to give him a second chance... he said I won't regret it. Well, I am. He gets in these grumpy moods and gets quite mean. This morning I asked him to help me get the kids ready because I had to take the littlest to daycare. I asked him supernice many times. He wouldn't help. Finally I said, "Can you please help me?" He got all pissy with me and started saying I should have gotten up earlier and this was his only gosh darn chance to sleep in. Today he goes in late and works in the evening. I explained that he could go back to sleep once we left. He was yelling at the kids and yelling at me and told me to "stop being such a B**TH when I woke him up" and to "shut the F**K up". I told him this was unacceptable and he should not talk to me like that, especially in front of the kids. He then called me a F***ING B***H as I was leaving the house. We have had many instances like this and each time he says he is sorry and he won't do it again. When he called me he said he was sorry. I told him I had heard it before. I am to the point where it hurts too much to love this man. I even told him that. I told him that I do not deserve this and the kids do not deserve to hear this. Is this just a rocky road in our marriage... or is this a serious issue and I should consider divorce? We have already done the counceling and parenting classes. HELP!! :confused:

GlindaofOz · Oct 3, 2007, 07:36 PM

I don't want to tell you one way or another but it sounds like he expects the relationship to float or something. You guys went to counseling and parenting classes AND he still is not keeping up his promises.

All I can say is if you are not happy and if he is not being a good husband or a good father and has no designs on working on becoming so then you have to really figure out what's going to work best for you and your kids.

star3114 · Oct 3, 2007, 07:49 PM

A month out of the classes, he was the man I always wanted him to be. Then he started slacking off. He would always try putting everything on my shoulders... if you did/didn't do this... then this would/wouldn't happen. When I want him to help me with something, he is always too tired. He says that his body is old and broken down... he is 35. I even tried to help him out by doing housework, outside work and tending to the kids. He says thank you and then goes back to watching his TV. He is not all bad, but the past keeps haunting me. I have been told to let the past be, but that is hard to do when you keep seeing pieces of it resurface. He is so impulsive that our oldest has picked up on it. He says and does such stupid stuff. My hub actually gave our 8 yr old the advice of "if that kid picks on you again...punch him". What?? Then my son told this kids father that. You can imagine that reaction. Most recently, he put a rock through a teachers car window with another friend of his (see my other post). I am pretty sure my son is ADHD... and his dad was diagnosed as a kid too. Neither of them can sit still to this day. Is this an ADHD thing or him just being a jerk? Is it my responsibility to hang in there for him to figure it out or bail because we are all miserable? HELP!

GlindaofOz · Oct 3, 2007, 07:56 PM

It sounds like your husband has the idea to do just enough to keep you happy. Like oh I'll go to the classes and do good for like a month and that will be enough or I'll take care of the kids one time and that will be enough.

Your happiness shouldn't suffer for his. Its obvious that his behavior that is rubbing off on the kids is negative. AND as an adult if he is ADHD he can go on medication and have behavioral therapy to help him - I know this for a fact since my best friend was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. ADHD doesn't make you check out of your own life and not do anything especially as an adult when you have the means to do something about your problems on your own. So no its not an ADHD thing it's that he is jerk and doesn't keep his promises to you.

You decide what your limit is - are you at it now? Does anything feel worth saving to you?

holeinheart21 · Oct 3, 2007, 08:03 PM

Divorce is such a brutal process and even more brutal for the kids. Your husband is obviously not holding his end of the deal, and that is wrong in all ways, especially since you already went to classes. I wouldn't think this is a good environment for yourself and even more so for your kids. But, although I have never been divorced myself, it appears to be a rather brutal process. The two of you should be able to talk this out and come to terms, but if you don't think you can kick his a$$ back in to shape... then it may be your only option. I think it is worth a serious talk with him first though.

star3114 · Oct 3, 2007, 08:07 PM

I don't know. I don't want to live like this anymore. I am tired of broken promises and all the BS. You know, I believe in Karma. I give to charities, donate my time and always want to help others. Why was I blessed with an assine husband??

star3114 · Oct 3, 2007, 08:08 PM

We should be having the serious talk in a few minutes. He is home now. Gee... I can't wait.

GlindaofOz · Oct 3, 2007, 08:12 PM

Originally Posted by star3114

I don't know. I don't want to live like this anymore. I am tired of broken promises and all the BS. You know, I believe in Karma. I give to charities, donate my time and always want to help others. Why was I blessed with an assine husband????

You are given what you need in this life darling. Sometimes you can't see it until its over.

I've never been married but the number one thing I've learned in relationships is that talk is easy it's the actions that are hard. Its easy to say "I'll change" or "Things will different" or "I will do better" its hard to change, make things different or do better it takes work and time and some people just don't want to do it.

GlindaofOz · Oct 3, 2007, 08:14 PM

Originally Posted by star3114

We should be having the serious talk in a few minutes. He is home now. Gee...I can't wait.

Remember your point in this conversation is to be heard and be heard fully. If he stops listening and crumbles to name calling or trying to be right or diminishing you in any way then stop the conversation because it will NOT be productive at that point and it will dissolve into a playground name calling.

Good luck.

Dennis777 · Oct 3, 2007, 08:53 PM

Hello.

Only you know what's in your heart. If you have given up then move on before it gets worse and it will. If you want it to work then try to reach an agreement that gives both of you duties and also some time alone to do what you need to do for yourself. Make the agreement solid so there is no "not understanding". If you need to, make a chart of duties for each of you and the kids. Stick to the agreement yourself so he has no reason not to hold his end up.

Dennis777

star3114 · Oct 4, 2007, 05:39 PM

I like the idea of a chore chart. Good idea. The hub and I did have a long talk. I guess only time will tell.

Sad Soul · Oct 4, 2007, 06:41 PM

I would normally say to work it out or give it another chance, but you already have.

When a man speaks like that to his wife, he's not showing that he is mad, but that he is completely irrational. He has nothing logical to say, so he just yells "b*tch" to intimidate in the absence of a good argument.

Do your children a favor and set a good example; that when a man talks to a woman like that, she doesn't stand for it.

talaniman · Oct 4, 2007, 08:41 PM

He needs to be alone to think of the effects his behavior has on others. After counseling and classes, his actions are unacceptable and a separation is sorely needed. You need a break and he needs a reality check. Sorry for your pain, but you don't need his lazy A$$ stopping your happiness, and security.

btucker · Oct 5, 2007, 06:22 AM

Divorce does not in anyway end the relationship, espically since you have children together. The only one you can change is you and not him. However, I have found that when you change, it usually causes change in the people around you. One thing to ask yourself is why are you picking a battle like getting him out of bed to get children ready, who should be getting themselves ready? Are you acting in ways to get him to act that way? These things are never, never just one persons fault. I suspect that if you divorce him and then get into another relationship, it will be almost the same relationship you have now, only you will then have 2 of them.
About the counseling. I am an advocate of marriage counseling. However, not all counselors are equal. Usually people just pick one out of the phone book and that is highly risky. You need a solid, experienced, with a good track record, Chrisitian counselor. Most people spend much more time picking a car than a counselor. You both need a change of heart and knowledge does not necessarly do that. A relationship with a forgiving God is how one changes the heart. Pease a grace be with you.

star3114 · Oct 5, 2007, 02:43 PM

Originally Posted by btucker

Divorce does not in anyway end the relationship, espically since you have children together. The only one you can change is you and not him. However, I have found that when you change, it usually causes change in the people around you. One thing to ask yourself is why are you picking a battle like geting him out of bed to get children ready, who should be getting themselves ready? Are you acting in ways to get him to act that way? These things are never, never just one persons fault. I suspect that if you divorce him and then get into another realtionship, it will be almost the same relationship you have now, only you will then have 2 of them.
About the counseling. I am an advocate of marriage counseling. However, not all counselors are equal. Usually people just pick one out of the phone book and that is highly risky. You need a solid, experienced, with a good track record, Chrisitian counselor. Most people spend much more time picking a car than a counselor. You both need a change of heart and knowledge does not necessarly do that. A relationship with a forgiving God is how one changes the heart. Pease a grace be with you.

I really like the counselor we have, but there is only so much a counselor can do. He actually gave a clean bill of health about 2 mnths ago. Things were going pretty good then. But now it is getting back to the old. After my hub and I talked, I think it finally soaked in that talking to me like that under any circumstance was unacceptable... but I guess only time will tell.

star3114 · Oct 5, 2007, 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by btucker

Divorce does not in anyway end the relationship, espically since you have children together. The only one you can change is you and not him. However, I have found that when you change, it usually causes change in the people around you. One thing to ask yourself is why are you picking a battle like geting him out of bed to get children ready, who should be getting themselves ready? Are you acting in ways to get him to act that way? These things are never, never just one persons fault. I suspect that if you divorce him and then get into another realtionship, it will be almost the same relationship you have now, only you will then have 2 of them.
About the counseling. I am an advocate of marriage counseling. However, not all counselors are equal. Usually people just pick one out of the phone book and that is highly risky. You need a solid, experienced, with a good track record, Chrisitian counselor. Most people spend much more time picking a car than a counselor. You both need a change of heart and knowledge does not necessarly do that. A relationship with a forgiving God is how one changes the heart. Pease a grace be with you.

I realize that divorce does not end a relationship, but at least then you don't have to live together. Regarding getting the children ready, my 8 year old is VERY hard to get out of bed. My hub told me the night before that he would help me get him up. It takes about a 1/2 hr of nagging to get my 8 yr old up. Even turning on the lights doesn't help. He gets enough sleep, but he still is hard to get up... unless it is a Saturday. Then they are both up at 6 am sharp. GRRR! Anyway, I was running around making lunches and I was running a little behind. If I had a little more time, it wouldn't have been an issue. But I had to be to work earlier than usual. That is when I needed my hub to chip in and help... just as I would have done for him. Instead, I got Mr Cranky Pants... not Mr Sure I Will Help Because You are Doing Me a Favor. I was actually doing him a favor by taking our youngest to daycare, as he normally spends the morning with him when he goes in late. In regards to the God thing. I do have a relationship with God. I pray to him just about every night. We say table prayer. I also say prayer when I am upset or happy about something. Therefore, I do have a good relationship with God... well, as much as you can have with someone that doesn't talk back... :O) Hey, maybe that is the key. You know duck tape has many uses... j/k

talaniman · Oct 5, 2007, 08:24 PM

May I suggest changing the plan a bit? Instead of waiting for the morning rush, (been there) plan farther ahead, like the night before. Myy wife always had lunches ready, mine too) and the next day school clothes out before she went to bed. The kids liked picking out (under her/ my supervision) there outfits for the next day. Not only did I sleep in, but she had less hassle gettting everyone ready for school, and I benefitted by when the kids had gone for their bus, and she had a slow time with no stress in the morning, She got her nappy poo, and the house was peacefull and quiet. No stress, no fuss, but planning made it happen. I will not lie, that evening playtime /bathtime before bed was a great way for me, and the kids to have fun, and get things done. I got very good at making lunches for the next day. Oh Gosh I miss those times. The only thing that I never mastered was doing the daughters hair for the next day. Thats a whole nuther post!!!!

star3114 · Oct 5, 2007, 10:14 PM

Thanks Tal. I like the idea. Will implement on Monday. Hey Tal, did you go through tough times in your marriage... or was it always seamless?

talaniman · Oct 6, 2007, 08:25 AM

I went thru hell. But after I realised what it takes to be happy, I changed and did things differently, not just for wife, home, and children, but for me. I could tell you volumes on the things that have happened to make me as I am, a works in progress. My advice comes from my experience.

star3114 · Oct 6, 2007, 04:40 PM

So, what was the toughest time you went through and how did you fix it?