[brownsugar40]

My b/f is a photographer. We've been together for a longt time and have discussed marriage. I went to his house a couple of months ago and we were in the room were he prints his pictures. I saw a picture of a woman in a swimming pool at the poconos. He didn't act like he was trying to hide anything so I never inquired about it but it has been bothering me all that time. Today I inquired about it. He told me it was the wife of a man that he was helping with photograhpy and he printed the pictures out for them. I do remember him telling me about this guy a couple of months ago how the guy and his wife were coming to his house so he can show him some things about photography.

He was not too happy about me inquiring about it. He said he was not going to walk on eggshells in his own house and he doesn't want to have to explain everything he does and that when he comes to my place he doesn't or wouldn't question me about things he sees at my place. He said he was disappointed that I ask him about it. He feels like I'm comparing him to my ex and I guess he felt I was snooping but I wasn't the picture was right there on the counter. I didn't think it was appropriate for me to ask because of the relationship we have and it was eating at me. It's not just a casual relationship, we're talking about getting married. I divorce my husband because of women and I don't want to go through that again, so I asked. Was it improper for me to inquire?

[Wildcat21]

Usually a woman's gut instinct is right. He sounds to me like he is hiding something from what you say. Woman have this huge radar that can sniff this stuff out. The fact that he was defensive about it really bothers me.

You had a right to ask - ALWAYS. If he has a problem with that then you should learn about this now.

Seems like he is hiding something.

All the photographers I know use it to land woman - sorry to tell you that, but sometimes we try to look past the reality to try and keep the relationship.

The one relationship I had where a gal cheated on me (5 years agaon) - I didn't read the signs - you're kind of blinded by it. All the signs were there that she was also seeing someone else - and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I am not saying he is cheating, but is is he kind of a smoth opperator and woman's man?

[momincali]

Wildcat is right. You say you have a serious relationship and that you're talking about marriage, has he actually proposed? Do you have a ring and a date? If you don't, then I'm afraid it's not as serious as you would like it to be. His reaction to your question did not seem trust-worthy. If it truly was an innocent picture, he would not have gotten upset and he certainly wouldn't have played the "I don't need to explain myself game", on the other hand, I think your feelings or insecurity about this picture would have or should have prompted him to remind you of how much he loves you and respects you and would never cheat or betray you because you are the woman he wants as his wife. I think you already knew the answer but didn't want to admit it, he doesn't sound like the right guy. A tad too immature and full of himself I think. If you've already been around that block, you don't want to do it again. It doesn't matter how much time you have been together, it matters how much time you will continue to waste on a relationship that is not exactly what you want or deserve. In your gut, you know he's not right or you wouldn't have asked. There is a saying in spanish which says "mejor sola que mal acompanada" which means better to be alone for now than with an unworthy companion! Very true!

[Chery]

My b/f is a photographer. We've been together for a longt time and have discussed marriage. I went to his house a couple of months ago and we were in the room were he prints his pictures. I saw a picture of a woman in a swimming pool at the poconos. He didn't act like he was trying to hide anything so I never inquired about it but it has been bothering me all that time. Today I inquired about it. He told me it was the wife of a man that he was helping with photograhpy and he printed the pictures out for them. I do remember him telling me about this guy a couple of months ago how the guy and his wife were coming to his house so he can show him some things about photography.

He was not too happy about me inquiring about it. He said he was not going to walk on eggshells in his own house and he doesn't want to have to explain everything he does and that when he comes to my place he doesn't or wouldn't question me about things he sees at my place. He said he was disappointed that I ask him about it. He feels like I'm comparing him to my ex and I guess he felt I was snooping but I wasn't the picture was right there on the counter. I didn't think it was appropriate for me to ask because of the relationship we have and it was eating at me. It's not just a casual relationship, we're talking about getting married. I divorce my husband because of women and I don't want to go through that again, so I asked. Was it improper for me to inquire?

Dear, I (personally) think that you still don't have enough self-confidence and probably don't trust any man at this point just because you were burned once.
You can't compare this man with your ex, which I think he is justified in thinking. Once a couple gets together, the past must be put behind otherwise you're not giving him a chance. You need to talk to him or someone else about the fears you have that are 'eating at you' The important part of a relationship is gaining trust. From what you said, he leaves you space and does not ask about your past and leaves it that way. It's evident he does not intend to hide things from you, so you should not be so sensitive. His job entails meeting all kinds of people, and if you get concerned every time you see another woman in a picture, you will only drive yourself and him nuts. What if he were a designer and had to actually touch those models to make sure the clothes fit? Would you go off on that issue too? Men are not our possessions and vis-versa. Undue jealousy can really ruin a good relationship.
Just a little 'food for thought'. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Chery]

Sorry, Wildcat and momincali, this time I have to dispute your assumptions. Maybe the guy is telling the truth, he mentioned it a few months ago... and also any man can be sensitive when he feels compared to an ex. And not all photographers are 'out to get gals'. Plus, why would a woman who has been cheated on be in such a hurry to get married again and then still have that jealous streek. Sometimes people tend to carry past burdens into new relatioships and make it worse with all that weight. I'm sure anyone would get tired of constantly trying to reassure someone that is still insecure. Showing love can mean a lot more than repeating 'I love you' a hundred times a day. We don't know every aspect of this relationship and if this was the first 'argument', maybe it was needed to clear a little air. I did not read anywhere that he told her to get lost, so he just spoke his mind.

[brownsugar40]

This is a response to Chery.

I'm not in a hurry to get married. My ex-husband and I have been apart for 5 years. I've been with this guy for 4 years. I never accused or suspected him of anything before until last year. I won't go into but an issue came up. I didn't accuse him, I simply asked if there was someone else. Other than those 2 incidents, we get along fine.

[momincali]

Sorry, Wildcat and momincali, this time I have to dispute your assumptions. Maybe the guy is telling the truth, he mentioned it a few months ago... and also any man can be sensitive when he feels compared to an ex. And not all photographers are 'out to get gals'. Plus, why would a woman who has been cheated on be in such a hurry to get married again and then still have that jealous streek. Sometimes people tend to carry past burdens into new relatioships and make it worse with all that weight.

I hear you Chery, and that is definitely the flipside of things, however, unless she inquired about the picture in a very accusatory and was behaving in a somewhat jealous manner he really had no reason to be bothered by the question. She could have said "oh, whose that? :p or she could have said "oh, who is that? :mad: , I think that would make all the difference and of course prompt him to become jealous. The only reason I made mention of being in a serious relationship and a ring and a date was because she mentioned that it was not a casual relationship but a rather serious one. Maybe he is telling the truth and that is only a picture he took for the potential client and maybe he didn't care enough about his girlfriend's feelings to put the photo away and not create any mishaps. Had she snooped (which she didn't, the picture was out on the counter) then he really would have had a reason to be unhappy and feel untrusted. Before I married my husband, we dated for a while and he was an avid snowboarder, I could barely hold my own. He went often and sometimes he and his friends would meet a group of people out there, hang out, take pictures and call it a day. He's always been a really friendly guy (I always tell him I can't take him anywhere cause he'll strike up a conversation at the bank line or grocery store in a split second with anyone who will listen) so it didn't surprise me when he would have all these pictures of people I didn't know, some were women people. I'd ask who they were, but he knew by my body language and the tone of my voice that it was just me being nosey, not suspicious or accusatory. He answered in the same casual manner, not nervous or angry about my inquiries. I mostly asked because he usually had a pretty funny story to go along with the picture. Anyway, my point is that she may have had a gut feeling that was telling her something. Her insecurity may be playing a part in the background but only she truly knows how big a part.

[Chery]

This is a response to Chery.

I'm not in a hurry to get married. My ex-husband and I have been apart for 5 years. I've been with this guy for 4 years. I never accused or suspected him of anything before until last year. I won't go into but an issue came up. I didn't accuse him, I simply asked if there was someone else. Other than those 2 incidents, we get along fine.

No need to bring up those issues, I remember, and you now have a choice to make and we will be here for you.
There are others more worthy of your time and love, so get rid of the unneeded trash. Keep us posted and all the best.

[Chery]

And Wilcat. Had to go back a bit to get my memory refreshed, and I owe you two a big "I'm sorry", and you were right. Thanks for your help, I see the flip side now, maybe he put that picture out there to start something so he can get out of it guilt-free.

[Wildcat21]

Come on Chery - you know you ladies have that gut instinct radar that can sniff this stuff out. I don't want Brownsugar to get hurt and she has that feeling. This has nothing to do with the past - this guys reaction says it all.

[momincali]

Yep! Yep! Yep! :)

[brownsugar40]

I need to clear up something. My b/f job is notphotography but he does photography on the side. He doesn't really have clients and he doesn't always have pictures out like that. I don't think he intentionally left the pictures out but he didn't act funny when we were standing there by the pictures. It's not like he tried to get me to leave the room right away. Then again I don't know for sure if he knows I saw it. If I could have seen the rest of the pictures my answer would be more clear but then I would have been snooping.

[Chery]

Thanks you two. Unfortunately my 'gut feelings' don't always work on a PC monitor though.:rolleyes: . But, given time, I'll manage that too some day. I got my Prednisone shot today, and it usually takes my mind and energy away to some real strange places. I just hate the stuff, but it was a necessary evil as I have been putting it off for as long as I could.
P.S. momincali, I started the new thread called "are you pregnant or do you think you are, etc". Thought the old one was too long and couldn't keep it 'organized' anymore. I hope it gets a good start cause I really want to help in that specialty.

[Chery]

I need to clear up something. My b/f job is notphotography but he does photography on the side. He doesn't really have clients and he doesn't always have pictures out like that. I don't think he intentionally left the pictures out but he didn't act funny when we were standing there by the pictures. It's not like he tried to get me to leave the room right away. Then again I don't know for sure if he knows I saw it. If I could have seen the rest of the pictures my answer would be more clear but then I would have been snooping.

You were not snooping and I think he knows it, he probably put it there on purpose to get a reaction out of you. Maybe he's the type that enjoys little 'spats' now and then to keep the relationship alive? Some men tend to get bored and go along those lines for attention too.

[letmeno]

The good ole "diversion" tactic. Men do it all the time. They do something wrong, when you are hip to it and ask them about it, they turn the whole thing around some way or another and make it look as if the whole ordeal is about something YOU did wrong.

I could really care less how wrong he thought that I was. If the shoe was on the other foot, I highly doubt that he would over look a picture of some guy that you had laying around...

Wildcat, I'm sorry to say this but I don't give men that much credability to come up with a scheme such as that to get out of a relationship.

Your guy is hiding something. I really don't exhaust my energy trying to find out what any man is doing. i.e. searching pockets, cell phone bills etc. What is done in the dark will always come into the light. They get comfortable and sooner or later they slip.

[rkim291968]

The time to address the picture was when you first saw it. You could have casually asked about it immediately. When you asked about it later, your b/f sensed that it bothered you a lot and that may have made him react more defensively.

As a man, if there wasn't anything to the picture, I would have reacted as your b/f did. So, I am leaning toward your being out of line here.

Finally, my final advice would be, be honest about your feelings as they come up. If your b/f can't stand your instant honesty, you may have to re-evaluate your potentially long-term relationship with him.

I hope I didn't confuse you with my rambling. :)

[Chery]

The good ole "diversion" tactic. Men do it all the time. They do something wrong, when you are hip to it and ask them about it, they turn the whole thing around some way or another and make it look as if the whole ordeal is about something YOU did wrong.

I could really care less how wrong he thought that I was. If the shoe was on the other foot, I highly doubt that he would over look a picture of some guy that you had laying around......

Wildcat, I'm sorry to say this but I don't give men that much credability to come up with a scheme such as that to get out of a relationship.

Your guy is hiding something. I really don't exhaust my energy trying to find out what any man is doing. i.e. searching pockets, cell phone bills etc. What is done in the dark will always come into the light. They get comfortable and sooner or later they slip.

Amen! Even if it takes years, we always find out.

[brownsugar40]

Responding to RKim. The first time I saw the picture I didn't say anything because at first I thought it may be innocent. This past weekend, when I was looking at another friend's pictures, I saw that same swimming pool. She told me it was taken at the Poconos. The pool stands out because of it's shape and other features. That picture came back to my mind and I realized then it was taken in the Poconos where each room has it own private pool.

If you never heard of the Poconos, it's a romantic resort for couples.

[Chery]

Dear, come on, we know that men are good when it comes to thinking of how to get out of a relationsip and make it look like it's our fault. Some go as far as asking a 'pal' to come on to her and 'catch' them in a situation planned all along, to accusing her of starting it all just so 'she' can call it quits. I'm ashamed to say this, but they learned these little schemes from us and are capable of using it against us, but seldom have success, because we are still the 'experts'. LOL.

[Wildcat21]

"Wildcat, I'm sorry to say this but I don't give men that much credability to come up with a scheme such as that to get out of a relationship. " - I didn't say that.

Sounds like this guy wants his cake and eat too. Not good.