[Chery]

Hi everyone. I just found this super article for you who want to help your teens learn a healthy way about sex. Please pass this on to your fellow parents, because this is such an ongoing and important issue that it is noteworthy.
Copy and paste it to Notepad and print it. It will refresh your memories about all the questions you had while growing up and being in the same situation they are in now. Only - now there are more risks for then and their potential partners and therefore very important for all.

from iVillage - an online magazine to subscribe to Talking about Sex: 10 Bases to Cover by The Roller-Coaster Moms

[QUOTE]: The news is good: According to a recent report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the percentage of sexually active U.S. high school students has declined over the past 10 years, as have certain risky sexual behaviors. Talking to your teen openly and honestly about sex, being sure to cover everything from oral sex to STDs, is one way to ensure your child's health and well-being. Here's how:

1. Admit that sexuality is positive. (Perhaps the hardest thing to admit to a child on the brink of lust and love.) If you cast sex as negative, as in "Don't do it!" then your child will simply tune you out.

2. Don't give boys short shrift. Broaching sexuality is easier with girls, because you can start with menstruation. With boys, talking about wet dreams and ejaculation is far more disquieting. It's hardly surprising then, that surveys show girls get far more information about their bodies and sexual urges than boys.

3. Define sexual behavior as a romantic progression. Explain that sexual attraction begins with a smile and proceeds along a path from kissing, to touching and onto intercourse. Remember first base (kissing), second base (petting above the waist), third base (petting below the waist)? Ask if kids still use this home run lingo. A step-by-step approach ensures that a child can stop at any time. Make that point.

4. Girls and boys require different instructions. Take the issue of consent, for example. Girls need to learn to say no firmly looking a boy straight in the face.
Sometimes girls look away or say nothing; this can be misinterpreted by a boy who continues making sexual advances. Boys need to be warned of the danger of assuming consent. He may be liable for charges of date rape or sexual abuse.

5. Listen carefully to your child's comments. Each generation has different sexual expressions and values. Think back to the 60s or 70s. Remember your parents' take on free love? Begin to learn today's lingo and norms. Then you know where to start.

6. Clarify the danger of oral sex. In today's culture, oral sex is considered casual and convenient. Raised in the shadow of AIDS, our children seize upon oral sex, thinking its safe sex and, technically, doesn't undo virginity. Explain that any exchange of bodily fluid can result in STDs or HIV. Define abstinence.

7. Offer a checklist for sexual decision-making. How does someone decide it's right to have sexual intercourse? Discuss typical reasons. Love. Boyfriend or girlfriend pressure. Pressure from peers. Lower inhibitions after drinking or using drugs. Here is where you inject your values - - when and why one would take this step.

8. Link sex to emotional consequences. Sex is a physical drive, but with emotional connections. Put sex in a loving context. Explain how it bonds people deeply. Once sex happens people are more vulnerable. Broken hearts hurt more. Reputations get juicier. Regrets happen.

9. No parent gets off the hook. Mothers and fathers each bring important perspectives to sex talks. Boys need to hear from their fathers about what is appropriate and what's not. Only mothers can demystify women to their
sons; only dads can explain men to their daughters.

10. Take advantage of all the help you can get. TV, movies, magazine articles, newspaper stories -- all provide teachable moments.
Use everyday opportunities to comment and listen to opinions from your young adolescent. The sex talk is an ongoing educational conversation. Finally, remember having sex is not a punishable offense.

If you need more information, try Parenting 911: How Parents Can Safeguard and Rescue 10- to 15-Year-Olds from Substance Abuse, Depression, Sexual Encounters, Violence, Failure in School, Danger on the Internet, and Other Risky Situations.

Book Description
For the 20 million parents of 10- to 15-year-olds, The Roller-Coaster Years is a lively guide to mastering the ups and downs of early adolescence. Every parent knows about the terrible twos and the brooding teens, but few have anticipated the wild ride of these magical yet maddening years... [UNQUOTE]..

[fredg]

Hi, Chery,
Very, Very, Very Good.
One might also add a couple of "negative" statistics:
1. According to the National News TV Networks, 40% of all American girls are pregnant before they are 20 yrs old.
2. Over half of all marriages end in divorce.

Communications between Teens and Parents is the key to following all the steps you outlined. Families are now being drawn apart, due to many things; one of which is both partners working to make a living. Having dinner (or supper), whichever one is used to calling it, is becoming a thing of the past. There have been recent ads on TV by celebrities encouraging families to have dinner together. Talking around the dinner table has become a "thing of the past". I really think that parents who are serious about keeping a family together should already have communications open, among all family members.
The same can be said of Grandparents and their grandchildren; keep communications open at all times, with love.
Your suggestions are great.
fredg

[Chery]

Thank you fred, just need to get this out as I also belong to another forum with a lot of pregnant young kids and kids who don't know even the basics or of safety, I just had to spread this news to parents, even though they should already be assuming their responsibilities. I do realize that most parents consider this still a taboo or just are too 'busy' to communicate with their children and depend on the schools to educate in ALL aspects. Peer pressure can be a cruel way for kids to start in their lives. These young folks are the leaders of our future and if they don't get good guidance and encouragement, what will this world wind up like? One of my neighbor's daughter has 6 children and each has a different father - unfortunate but true. I think society and politics and joblessness or just plain laziness has a lot to do with this also, as in Europe it is convenient to be pregnant so you don't have to work. What the kids don't realize is that when you have children, that's more work than what most can handle at that age - therefore the circle continues, and I for one, don't envey them at all. With just a little involvement things like this hopefully can be prevented.

[Chery]

It's amazing, that there is so much advice for the love-sick with so many ideas on how to handle relationship, etc. But the subject of safer practices for teens is of no interest?? What were your 'first experiences' like? Do the statistics of rape cases not scare anyone?

[NeedKarma]

I think that parenting skills have taken a nosedive especially in the US. American materialism and consumerism is spiralling out of control. People seem to accept huge debt with no owned assets as long as they have the McMansion, large SUV, and big screen TV. Of course they have to work long exhausting hours so parenting their children takes a back seat.

Mark my words - there is a whole generation of messed up brats about to emerge and they will be leaders of corporations, teachers and your workmate someday. Beware.

[Chery]

You are so right, that's what's so scarry, and that viscious circle should be stopped somehow so as not to produce more of their kind of selfish-minded future generation. And they thought that the 'flower power era' was bad...

[Chery]

By the way, Needkarma, thanks for joining in on this, I value your opinions on other posts as well. Maybe we should start a poll on what our generation thinks will happen in the future.. Even more interesting would be to hear from the 20-30 year generation. I'd really be interested on how they see the world now and further down the road.

[NeedKarma]

Thanks. I just registered my little girl for kindergarten today for the Sept.2006 school year - I think I'm more excited than her, but just barely since since into it. I started having a family a little later in life and I think I'm better for it personally.

[clukkes]

I would like to join this thread. I have a 2 yr old and am in the 20-30 generation...

[Chery]

To NeedKarma - Congrats, my babe is 29 and I'm still excited about all of her 'first times'. We can only hope the best for them, but sure would like some reassurance which I think you would like as well.


To Clukkes - hope your baby liked the Pooh book. What are your opinions on what this world could be like for their generation if things don't change somehow?

Truthfully, when I see young teens on the bus or in schools, I scares the heck out of me because of the gangs, predjudice, etc. What else can we impress upon our young ones to help them be careful and also thinks of ways to make it better?

Thanks so much for your input, I thought I was the only one with my concerns, and it can't just go by without a trace of some sort. I thinks it's the major reason for people going to therapy for reasons made up, or they find other crutches because they feel helpless and frustrated. How do you feel?

[clukkes]

Please everyone call me Casey!!

My opinion is that if I ever saw my daughter walk out with her belly hanging out and her thong outside her jeans... I would smack the sh*t out of her (not really) but she would not be allowed to wear those. I see teens all the time when I take her to daycare hanging all over boys and what not. I remember when I was in school and stuff my parents wanted with us until the bus came. They would never trust the world for us to just stand there and not know what are happening around the world.

She won't be dating until she is at least 17.

When my daughter is old enough to understand about sex, I am going to listen and answer any? 's that she might have for me. My parents never did that for me and I would have changed a lot of things before I got married almost 3 yrs ago.

Teen pregnancy is a common thing now. It seems like parents give their teens WAY too much freedom. I.E staying with their boyfriend, dating, whatever teens do know. When I was a teen it was do your homework and get reasy for bed after "family" time. When we turned 16 we could have a job but it couldn't effect our grades. Good thing I was kind of smart... I know went to high school if 1 person had sex everyone knew and you were the talk of the school. And everyone pointed and gossiped about you...

Well how about this for a start?

Cheri, Daughter loves the books!! Thanks

[Chery]

I can understand some people objecting to such articles, but those that are too lazy or too busy to help their children wind up being grandparents earlier than hoped. That's the reason I posted this. However, if it is objectionable, then please let me know why. And in my opinion, kids will learn it off the street and get misguided and in contact with STDs. If this is something kids should not see, then there are a few others, such as issues on masturbation and pornography, but they also are a fact of life.
:confused:

[thomas27]

I'm 20 yrs. I just wrote an article on this topic for class... anyway I can't stand what this world has become. I think most of our problem is TV. Every time we turn on the TV its sex sex sex. Shows like "Desperate Housewifes" and "Sex in the City". Familly shows and commercials may not show sex but have sexual situations. MTV has nothing to do with music, its all about sex. Reality TV, talk shows, or soaps... its all the same thing. SEX! Sex has been in every generation but never as open, accepted, and perverted as today's society. Not only is sex accepted it is often rewarded. TV programs are proof, sex sells. What kind of message is that sending to today's youth? No wonder these girls run around like whores... mtv tells them it will make them money or gain them popularity. In my grandparents generation it was and still is a sin to have sex with any and everybody. Back then girls were looked down upon for being a whore... now they are given jobs and promotions. Networks keep pushing the envelope to get better ratings and our society slowly accepts it. It only gets worse.

[thomas27]

It starts with the parents. I'm not a parent but if I were... my daughter would not be dressing like these trashy girls. Why would anyone let teenage and even pre-teen girls wear: excessive make-up, thongs, no bras, see-thru anything, belly shirts, mini skirts, etc... no class!

[thomas27]

A study found that 70 percent of all shows included some sexual content, averaging about five sex scenes per hour. That's up from about three scenes per hour in 1998, and from nearly 4.5 scenes an hour three years ago.

The proportion of shows with sexual content in prime-time on the major broadcast networks ABC, NBC, CBS and Fox also increased, the study said. Nearly eight in 10 network shows, or 77 percent, included sexual content. That's up from 67 percent in 1998 and 71 percent in 2002.

Media watchdog groups say there's way too much sex on television during the hours that kids may be watching.

"Kids who have repeated exposure to sexual content become sexually active at an earlier age. The research is absolutely there," said Tim Winter, executive director of the Parents Television Council.

[psi42]

Sex has been in every generation but never as open, accepted, and perverted as todays society.

Really now. I think history would tend to disagree with you.

Media watchdog groups say there's way too much sex on television during the hours that kids may be watching.

Okay. So there is a lot of sex on TV. So what? Should it be censored so we can keep our "innocent" teenagers "innocent"?

You know, I've said this a thousand times, but I suppose I should say it again.

Being a parent is not supposed to be easy. It's a tough job, but it is not the government's job, it's your job. If you aren't willing to put in the time commitment and hard work, then you shouldn't become a parent. It's that simple.

She won't be dating until she is at least 17.

This is exactly the attitude that makes Bad Things happen. Basically what this means is that if she does decide to date before she's 17, you won't hear about it. Is that what you want?

Teen pregnancy is a common thing now. It seems like parents give their teens WAY to much freedom. I.E staying with their boyfriend, dating, whatever teens do know. When I was a teen it was do your homework and get reasy for bed after "family" time. When we turned 16 we could have a job but it couldn't effect our grades.

You don't get it. Just because someone is _told_ not to do something does not mean he or she won't actually do it. Similarly, just because said person _can_ do something doesn't mean that they will. What I am saying is that these "teens" are going to make their own decisions regardless of what restrictions you try to place on them. Your job is to teach them how to make good decisions, not try (unsuccessfully) to make these decisions for them.

(I'm not a parent, so take that into account when you read this ;) ).
psi42

[Chery]

When it comes to sex, there's more than just that on the media. We have violence, wars, live emergency accident scenes, etc. Then there are the old shows with Curly, Larry and Mo - who bashed each other with shovels and still got up. When a child sees these, and does the same thing and the other child does not get up, what do we do?? - Blame it on the media and bann them?

After watching westerns with my daughter, where one was shot, I would say "well, he gets to go the the cafeteria and have a coke now, he's out of that movie", or "wow, can he act good". She accepted that and when she had other questions, I answered with the truth, as they look upon us for guidance, and if we lie, they will never forget. So, we parents have to be ready for everything - that's where 'parental guidance' comes in.

This subject has been around for centuries, but treated differently, the daughters were sent on 'vacation' and the baby was adopted or placed in a home. If DNA testing were invented back then, a lot of the 'puritanical fathers' would get some real surprises and some child they raised, might not even be their own, even though the mothers were 'prudes'. All this was treated as a taboo and look where it got them. There were just as many illegitimate children then, but no one openly talked about it.

Now if we treat this as a taboo, our children are subject to not just pregnancy, but other STDs and bad reputations, etc. So it depends on if you want to be the guide in their life, or let them learn if from peers off the streets. The phrase "forbidden fruit" did not just pop up from nothing.

It is the responsibility of the parents to answer their children's questions as best as they can as soon as the child asks the questions. They don't form these questions in their minds and express them unless they are ready for the answers, so give them some credit. We cannot lock up our children for 18 years and expect them to come out being emotionally stable or "gown up". In this day and age, the worst thing we can do is lie to our children or try to hide things from them, they are smarter than we think.

Even though my daughter watched everything I watched, and I told her about anything and everything she asked about, she was a virgin until 18, and not on drugs, etc..

There is no 'instant fix' for this, so we just have to face the fact that this is a new era and children start things earlier than we did, let's make it healthier for them and hope we did the right thing. That's all we parents can do to the best of our ability without wearing blinders ourselves because we 'don't approve' of everything happening.
OK, I'm off my soapbox now, and I for one am very proud of my daughter, and can't wait till my first grandchild asks questions..

[thomas27]

Yes, its not just the media (and I never said it was). I'm saying it starts with the parents... however, the media is not making it any easier on you parents.

Chery is deff. Right about being honest... my generation has been raised by hypocrites. Parents need to be honest and open... kids are smart. Honest gains respect. That's part of these teens poblems: no respect for their parents or themselves.

psi42 ---> Sex has been in every generation but never as open, accepted, and perverted as today's society. If you can't see that you must not be paying any attention. Show me where "history" disagrees with me.

[Katiy]

I was told by my nephew and my boys to never bring this subject up again. So I haven't.