[headache]

I love my girlfriend, we've been together for over 8 years and love each other very much and just about everything is great, couldn't be better, however our sex life is uneven. We haven't had sex for over 2 months, and she never initiates sex, I'm always the one who has to initiate things, and it drives me crazy because it feels like she doesn't want to ever. And even when I do most of the time it seems like she gives signals that she doesn't want to, so I give up which makes me want to give up all together. Point is, that if I don't start things off they will never happen. This same thing happened to us years ago where we didn't have sex for almost a year, it was a very frustrating time, as is right now. But the thing is that I've talked to her about this before. She claims to be a very sexual person and says idealy she'd like us to have sex everyday but at minimum 3-4 times a week, but things aren't this way. I don't understand. She won't start things off, and when I try, it fails. I feel like she's not attracted to me anymore or something. But like I said everything else is great, we love spending time with each other and we cuddle. What do I do?

[headache]

Update: things have only gotten worse. Now she barley seems to want to spend time with me. When I get home from work I don't get a hug or kiss, or when we wake up or go to bed, same thing. I'm getting very depressed about this whole thing, I don't know what to do, I tried to talk to her about it, and all she really said was she's sorry and doesn't know why. But talking to her hasn't changed anything.

[headache]

No responses, so here goes

I love my girlfriend, we've been together for over 8 years and love each other very much and just about everything is great, couldn't be better, however our sex life is uneven. We haven't had sex for over 2 months, and she never initiates sex, I'm always the one who has to initiate things, and it drives me crazy because it feels like she doesn't want to ever. And even when I do most of the time it seems like she gives signals that she doesn't want to, so I give up which makes me want to give up all together. Point is, that if I don't start things off they will never happen. This same thing happened to us years ago where we didn't have sex for almost a year, it was a very frustrating time, as is right now. But the thing is that I've talked to her about this before. She claims to be a very sexual person and says idealy she'd like us to have sex everyday but at minimum 3-4 times a week, but things aren't this way. I don't understand. She won't start things off, and when I try, it fails. I feel like she's not attracted to me anymore or something. But like I said everything else is great, we love spending time with each other and we cuddle. What do I do?

Update: things have only gotten worse. Now she barley seems to want to spend time with me. When I get home from work I don't get a hug or kiss, or when we wake up or go to bed, same thing. I'm getting very depressed about this whole thing, I don't know what to do, I tried to talk to her about it, and all she really said was she's sorry and doesn't know why. But talking to her hasn't changed anything.

[AJJWWELLS]

You need to be blunt but gentle and come right out and ask what is going on. You may not want to hear the answer, however, I think knowing something would be better than the limbo you have been going through.

[headache]

You need to be blunt but gentle and come right out and ask what is going on. You may not want to hear the answer, however, I think knowing something would be better than the limbo you have been going thru.

Thanks for your reply, although I did ask her, and all she said was "sorry, I don't know why". And it seems that since I talked to her, it's just gotten even worse.

[AJJWWELLS]

She did not give an answer when you asked? Just said she was sorry?

[headache]

she did not give an answer when you asked? Just said she was sorry?

Yeah exactly, I asked her what the deal was, she said she was sorry and didn't know why.

[AJJWWELLS]

Wow, that's sounds very unfair to you. Especially since you care enough about her to ask if something is wrong. Maybe try again, and try not to be accusitory in your questions or statements[hard to do, I know] and see if she is ready to talk to you. Is there anything she could be depressed about: weight gain, children, job, etc?
p.s. not saying your were accusitory.

[headache]

Wow, thats sounds very unfair to you. Especially since you care enough about her to ask if something is wrong. Maybe try again, and try not to be accusitory in your questions or statements[hard to do, i know] and see if she is ready to talk to you. Is there anything she could be depressed about: weight gain, children, job, etc?
p.s. not sayin your were accusitory.

We don't have kids, she just got a better job a couple months ago, and she hasn't gained any weight in the last 5 years that I can tell.

[Trenten80]

I know the answer is probably no but is there any chance at all she has been seeing someone else?

[headache]

Well, I finally got her to talk to me about what's going on. Today on my lunch break I called her and told her I needed to know what is going on. In a nutshell she said, she doesn't feel that "spark" and she doesn't know if she is attracted to me, she doent know if she is in love with me. But what she did say was she loves me more than anything. She said she feels we've become complacent and are in the routine of go to work, get home, "how was your day", watch TV and go to sleep. I don't know what the to do, this is a lot to handle in one day, hearing from the love of my life that she doesn't know if she's attracted to me or in love with me anymore.

Anyone care to offer any words of wisdom, please. I feel sick

[jolienoire]

Listen, You guys need to miss each other, she needs to know what she have, I think she lost focus of that with her everyday routine, Space, is needed in these situations, otherwise the damage can become worst, and reconciliation is out of the question... It will be hard but she just told you what she felt you wanted the truth you got it..,. What will happen in the next few days will be tough, but put on your seatbelt, and prepare yourself... don't make her feel worst don't bad mouth or say anything you may regret... give her space and keep contact to minimum, or to none, and make sure you surround yourself around positive people... get a hobby be productive... and don't get into any rebound relationships

[headache]

Well, we live together, and I guess we haven't officially broken up yet. Which is maybe why I'm not on my office floor weeping and throwing up

[jolienoire]

That will be tough considering you live together, but there is still a way you can give her space... One is by getting involved in some hobbies, or doing things to advance yourself... whatever it may be to keep you busy, change the atmosphere...

[headache]

That will be tough considering you live together, but there is still a way you can give her space... One is by getting involved in some hobbies, or doing things to advance yourself... whatever it may be to keep you busy, change the atmosphere...

Well I could spen all my time at my recording studio, but that gets very tiring after a long day at work. Maybe I should go stay at my dad's house or something, I don't know. This is so frustrating I'm thinking about staying somewhere other than my own house. I don't know what to do

[jolienoire]

well I could spen all my time at my recording studio, but that gets very tiring after a long day at work. Maybe I should go stay at my dad's house or something, I don't know. This is so frustrating I'm thinking about staying somewhere other than my own house. I don't know what to do

Whatever it takes... studio, gym, friends... You need to give her space, and let her know you are there for her and love her and are willing to give her the space she needs to figure things out, advice her of your decision of staying with your dad.. Ask her input on the situation... Reassure her that you love her enough to let her think,, IF she loves you she will come around, sometimes we take love for granted but when it's gone we realize how much we need it, and can come to understand that this is the person I want! We need to feel that distance at time.. But don't pressure her and make her sick to the point where your not respecting her answer... this is a turnoff

[headache]

Thanks for your advice, I'm really not doing well with all of this, all I want to do is spend good quality time with her, I know that can't happen right now. We'll see what she says when I tell her I'm going to give her space. Although she's had space since she came back from vacation, I've barley seen her.

But yes, thank you for taking the time to respond, it really means a lot to me right now, I don't know what to do.

[jolienoire]

thanks for your advice, I'm really not doing well with all of this, all I want to do is spend good quality time with her, I know that can't happen right now. We'll see what she says when I tell her I'm going to give her space. Although she's had space since she came back from vacation, I've barley seen her.

But yes, thank you for taking the time to respond, it really means a lot to me right now, I don't know what to do.

Listen if you need to talk to someone you can email me I know how tough it is I am going through a breakup myself, with someone I love dearly.. THis man was my sunshine... it only has been a few days but the days are getting better... I am getting better.. I am coping by helping others, and when I look at the sitaution it is not that bad after all.,

[sixftbrit]

Poor you... relationships are so fragile sometimes... it sunds like there is something wrong, that she is not telling you, it could be anything form wanting to end the relatiomship to being worried about work, you neee to get to the botom of this, gently probing and being lovingly open.

[Synnen]

Just out of curiosity... has she been to the doctor recently?

What you're describing is how I felt when I was suffering from depression. I didn't know WHY, because cuddling/kissing/sex was GOOD when it happened, but I didn't want it to happen. It just made me sadder and feel more alone when it was over--like I was isolated. And I couldn't explain that to anyone, either. When you have depression, it's like you can't think. Seriously can't make thoughts go together in a coherent manner, and you go in circles with yourself and your feelings, and can't break the circle.

I would suggest seeing a doctor, and mentioning the problems she's having, both in and out of the bedroom.