[the doc]

I'm going to make this straight and to the point as possible. I've been ignorin a girl testing whether she likes me but after sometime she's also started to play busy even though she's tried to meet with me and I play dumb.The tricky part is she isn't no pushover and doesn't take crap from no one so she sent me a text message and I isn't replied her bak and she hasn't either. She's got a boyfriend that I haven't seen and I'm not sure whether she might loose interest in me.
How do I ascertain that she still wants me? How do I approach her or should I still play busy like she's doing?

[letmeno]

She has a boyfriend...
She is not a push over and doesn't take crap from anyone. My guess is that she has walked through enough crap to last her a life time. And is trying to avoid walking through it again.
She is cheating on her boyfriend... She doesn't trust him, and the chances of her trusting you are 0.
She has been hurt before, and if she can help it, it won't happen again.
The chances of her losing interest in you are highly likely. Because she has someone who will take some of that free time away from her and get her mind off you.
What exactly are your motives with this girl? Is she someone that you just want to have some fun with or are you really intrested in her?

[shenda]

Games can add a little spice to life, games can also send an incorrect message to the object of your affection. You state that she has a boy friend, a casual pal or one of more intent interest... if it is merely someone new to you do not assume his identity, ask her... while you are at it... inquire if she is that in to you and go from there. Let her know that you are interested in pursuing a relationship... it would be best if the relationship can be defined; otherwise, you both will end up dec'ving yourselves because these no-brand, no-name expectation free arrangement hardly ever work... someone always want more than they are willing to admit to. My lot... be straight with her concerning what you want and know what she is truly seeking after... if it is a match... go for it; if not... move on

[letmeno]

Well put shenda, I agree!

[Wildcat21]

If she's cheating on her boyfriend - she'll most likely cheat on you.

You could never trust this woman. Date her - BUT never get too close - build some barriers.

Pulling back was good. It takes TIME!! To land the fish. Just be cool. No desperation!

Play cool - NEVER tell this woman how you feel - she WILL have nothing to do with you.

[letmeno]

Wildcat, we are still unsure of this guy's motives with this girl.
The point that I am trying to get @ is she does have a boyfriend. What reason in the world does she have for draining her energy trying to pursue HIM?
I AM JUST LIKE THE WOMAN THAT HE IS TRYING TO PURSUE!! If I didn't know any better I would have thought he was talking about me.
In the situation that I am in right now, I am in a L/t relationship, if I should choose to stray outside of this relationship for something on the side, I would be looking for someone who will cater to the needs of me.
I have a family, children, a man, all who require a substantial amount of my undivided attention.
If I chose a guy that I was intrested in spending some of my free time with, and he started playing these mind games, I would simply move on and be with someone who was pretty much available to me when I need him.
We are not talking about an unattached woman here who is looking to date someone, who is able to see other people on her own free will. We are talking about a woman who has to see "the other guy", when SHE gets the time to do so.
WILDCAT, not all women are the same, just like not all men are the same.
Some of us really don't have the time of day for games like this.

[s_cianci]

Yes, continue to play busy but pave the way for a casual date for coffee or something simple, in a couple of weeks, for when "you're not so busy." Text her with something like "I've got some free time in my schedule the weekend after next. How about getting together for a cup of coffee (or a pizza, or something similar.)" Her reply should provide you with a powerful cue as to her current interest level. If she replies in a fairly positive way, with something like "Yeah, I think we can do that", then tell her you'll call her in about a week. When it's been a week, be true to your word and call to finalize plans. On the other hand, if she gives you a more vague response, like "Well, I'm really not sure what's going on then", then she probably isn't all that interested and your time would be better spent pursing other interests and limiting your contact with this person to casual conversation and nothing more.

[letmeno]

Hellooooooo!! Is anybody listening? This situation is a little bit different than that of a casual date. She has a boyfriend, if she has no plans on leaving her boyfriend for this guy and she is truly in love with her man, this changes the situation.
Look, if you want to play the role of the "other" get ready for the broken promises, dates, and if you get too involved with her, get ready for the broken heart. The fact that you are curious to know who her boyfriend is shows that you are a little more intrested than a boody call with this girl.

WILDCAT, S CIANCI, I have a question for you guys. I read some of your other posts, and I am curious to know why is it that when it is a woman is pursuing a man, and the man is involved with someone, you tell the woman to run for her dear life, but in this case, the tables are turned, and you guys never mentioned ANYTHING about this girl being in a relationship. It's like you two have ignored the most important factor in this situation. I'm just curious to know why it is so o.k. for a man to pursue a woman when she is involved in a relationship but when the woman pursues the already attached man, it's so bad?

[s_cianci]

There are several reasons I've advised people the way I have. First of all, men and women typically approach/pursue relationships from completely parallel paths. Having spent almost the first 35 years of my life as a bachelor I know this. When a woman tells a man she just met that she has a "boyfriend", that can mean anything from "someone I just met last weekend" to "the wedding's next week." If a man is interested in said woman, the only way he can be sure is to feel her out by inviting her on a casual date. If she is in fact seriously involved with someone else and doesn't want to consider seeing anyone else, she will let him know in a nice manner. On the other hand, if she is interested in seeing other people, she'll accept an invitation for coffee or something equally light. Also, telling people she "has a boyfriend" is a way of playing "hard to get", for those females that are so inclined to taking that approach. Men, on the other hand, are not nearly so inclined to play "hard to get" and will not tell people that he "has a girlfriend" unless he has or is preparing to propose. A man is more inclined to keep his options open until a relationship has gotten to within inches of the altar. However, time and time again, I have seen too many young women get their hearts broken by setting their sights on an unavailable man, either because he was already involved with someone else (in a lot of cases, married or engaged) but just getting some action "on the side" or simply too emotionally distant to give the kind of committed relationship a woman typically wants when she wants any relationship at all. The signs were usually all there, plain as the nose on my face if only one's eyes were opened, but the poor, love-struck woman couldn't see it and actually believed that he would leave his wife/fiancee for her. By the time she realized the hard truth, the damage was done and the emotional scars would never completely heal. Then, any other man with whom she would endeavor to have a relationship with in the future would have to bear the weight of those burdens, making a successful relationship all the more difficult. Men, on the other hand, are not nearly as likely to expect a woman to leave a husband or fiancé for him. Inasmuch as men are more likely to expect women to be totally 100% available for them and only them, they will not pursue a woman whom they perceive to be unavailable. Usually, however, it takes a little more than just hearing a girl casually mention a "boyfriend" in order for him to scratch her off his list. Also, since the onus of initiative usually rests with the men, even in this day and age of so-called "equality" , a man, whether seriously involved with someone or not, doesn't typically have to confront the issue of refusing a date with a potential female love interest because "he already has a girlfriend", since it is not very likely that a girl is going to ask him for a casual date out of the blue, unless he happens upon a very aggressive woman. FOr that reason, men and women who are interested in someone have to take different approaches. A man can and is expected to be forthright with a potential love interest and is certainly not going to risk scaring her off by saying "he has a girlfriend" or similar remark that may make him seem unavailable or greedy. A woman, on the other hand, has to beat around the bush and almost entice a man into asking her out. Because the men are the ones taking the initiative, the females have to keep their guard up and not automatically assume that every guy who seems to show a little bit of interest has 100% honorable intentions. As I just said, men don't typically have to confront that since it's not very likely that women are going to try to "pick them up", whether with honorable intentions or not. Furthermore, since the onus for controlling the pace and direction of a relationship is typically delegated to the man, he generally feels more at liberty to bail out or demand changes if he senses that something isn't right. Women, on the other hand, are socialized to be more submissive and to "grin and bear it", even if things don't seem totally right. This, unfortunately, just causes problems to continue to fester and multiply until they become insurmountable, at least for her, and then it's too late and the damage is done. With that said, the bottom line is that when I give someone advice after their having shared a problem in this forum, I advise them according to what I, as a neutral, disinterested 3rd party, perceive to be in their best interests, based on my own life experiences, a lot of which I've tried to express in this post as concisely as possible, without worrying whether such advice is consistent with that given to another poster, even if it's in a seemingly similar situation. Every situation is different and has to be approached accordingly ; there is no such thing as a textbook case , one-size-fits-all approach to questions of the sort that are typically presented in this forum.

[letmeno]

And by chance IF she is in a relationship that she has no intentions of departing from, what advise would you give to Doc?

As you said before, you are giving your advise the way that you would handle it. And the same goes for me also. When I tell another guy that I have a boyfriend, it's because I do.

If she has a boyfriend, and didn't have any intentions on seeing anyone else, Doc wouldn't have her phone # and she wouldn't have his, much less hold a conversation over the phone about hooking up.

You have very valid points.

[Wildcat21]

Letmeno - I think sometimes you confuse actually relationships as opposed to pre-dating. These are not games. They are things guys need to do to attract woman and not come off as a Wuss - no woman wants Wuss they can walk all over - ever. As ways to disfuse women's tests - because SHE WILL test you - especially if she's been hurt before.

The big key here is what type of relationship this gal is in.

[letmeno]

I asked that question, what are his motives with this girl.

I mean you guy's don't even mind "Pre-dating" a woman that is involved in a relationship already.

I am not telling Doc to back off because she said she had a boyfriend, I am just saying that the fact she does, if she does, what is his move then?

Wildcat, you are the statistic's pro, what is the female to male ratio in the US? Are there not any "available" women around?

I did "Pre-date" before I was involved in a relationship, and I did not Pre-date any guy who was shacking up, had a girlfriend, was engaged, or married.
I was confident enough about myself that I knew I could find me someone who was intrested in making me #1 as opposed to #2 or #3.

[Wildcat21]

"I mean you guy's don't even mind "Pre-dating" a woman that is involved in a relationship already."

I generally never do. It's not worth it. And it's kind of guy code not to do this. I AGREE - I would nt settle for being #2 etc.

I would never date a woman who wants 4 guys hanging by the string - plenty of those out there - believe me.

I don't know the exact # but there are more woman to men.

Yes - have dated more than one women AND highly recommend it!! At least the first couple months.

He should never have just this one woman he pinning for and she has a boyfriend - huge mistake.