Check out some similar questions!

farfrmnormal · Sep 27, 2007, 12:57 PM

AS in most relationships there comes a point when things get comfortable and sometimes you get too comfortable - he often stated how he didn't care how I looked, he would always love me - so I didn't care either. From the time I got home until I went to bed I was in PJ's. Now, when I get home I change into my work out gear and go for a run. After that I put back on the clothes I had on from work and stay in them until bed time. I never realized how much neglecting your appearance puts you down personally and mentally.

I have never been one to accept or give compliments well - so I thank you for your acknowledgments with regards to my efforts. Admitting wrong doing & saying "I'm sorry" were also issues for me as well. Now I feel humbled by the whole situation. I just wish he were around to experience it or perhaps read what I have been posting here. I am trying my best to be rational and emotional at the same time - definitely a challenge

GlindaofOz · Sep 27, 2007, 01:16 PM

That's great! Its important to feel good about yourself and take the time to take care of yourself. A lot people just stop caring after a while which is often how peoples relationships hit big ruts.

You're welcome. Its very obvious from everything you are saying how hard you are working. You are walking uphill this whole way. Its clear how much you are willing to do to get this relationship to work and to do the right things. He will be around to see it if he's smart. You are still learning all of these things and everything will come more and more into focus as time goes on. Its great to get this stuff "fixed" now at your young age. I was friends with a woman who was 37 and she was a mess when it came to boundaries, rational thinking, admitting that she was wrong, taking accountabiity and a million other things. I knew her for two years and during that time she actually got progressively worse. She was dealing with some experimental therapy - which can be good but in her case it was a disaster. She got into that repressed memory stuff and began lashing out at her family. It was terrible to watch someone deconstruct like that further. It amazing that you found someone who is as helpful as your counselor obviously is because it can go pretty bad.

farfrmnormal · Sep 27, 2007, 01:22 PM

I just have to stay positive and continue NC till my personal deadline. I think once we approach the 30 days it might be easier for me to start preparing myself to tell him to " or get off the pot" - per say. But I honestly do believe that when he knows he will tell me - he has never given me any other reason to not believe him.

I feel good - but I will probably be back tomorrow, but hopefully in the same spirits as now.

GlindaofOz · Sep 27, 2007, 01:27 PM

I hope so too.

NC tends to allow you greater perspective. At 30 days things may look different.

farfrmnormal · Sep 28, 2007, 05:39 AM

He has asked me to send him an e-mail about my session today - promising?

farfrmnormal · Sep 28, 2007, 08:32 AM

Ideas?

talaniman · Sep 28, 2007, 09:09 AM

myself to tell him to " or get off the pot" - per say.

This would be good advice to you for now, as 30 days to wait for someone to tell you what they want from life is absurd and ridiculous. You need to make a decision and stick to it and since he is in limbo why should you be. Let this go. Get your own life that does not revolve around someone else's decision.

farfrmnormal · Sep 28, 2007, 09:30 AM

I was thinking about that last night - I am moving forward - but as I have written in a previous post, everything in life needs closure. Right now, I am not ready to tell him I am walking away - but I do feel that as time passes it will be something I will become comfortable with. The 30 days is for me to gain my composure and move on - I suppose what I am trying to convey is - by that time I will be ready to add closure.

farfrmnormal · Oct 3, 2007, 11:48 AM

Man how things change in a week

GlindaofOz · Oct 3, 2007, 11:51 AM

How is everything going farfrmnormal?

farfrmnormal · Oct 3, 2007, 11:55 AM

We went from not talking to talking again - but not hanging out. He contacted me first and we have been talking ever since. He suggested that we talk on a daily basis (or if I feel the need to call, to call him). We send text messages back and forth and just have playful conversation. He has asked that we wait and see where things go and work on our individual counseling (He has his first appointment this Friday - he finally admitted fault in the relationship and with his lack of ability to resolve his frustrations himself). I have pushed the boundaries a couple times saying that I am walking away - both times he has asked me to work with him and wait till he goes to a couple sessions. He just hates how everyone thinks he doesn't care - because he does. He says "This is the only way I know how to deal with things right now - I'm sorry". So that's where we are right now. Work has been stressing me out and he has been wonderful in letting me vent to him.

farfrmnormal · Oct 11, 2007, 12:22 PM

How do I curb the urge to call?

kuulski · Oct 11, 2007, 12:41 PM

Originally Posted by farfrmnormal

How do I curb the urge to call?

Hi,

I am also going through a breakup. The best way to fight the urge for me is to do as allot of people here have said act like he doesn't exist. Yea its hard me and my ex have been on NC for almost 2 months now. It does get easier when you become less emotional you will realize that it wasn't as good as you think now. I am not saying it wasn't great just saying being emotional will cloud your judgement. My ex was my everything but she shouldn't have been. In other words there has to be balance. I also went to a therapist I recently lost 3 people in my life My brother my best friend and my cat. What my therapist said to me was when you breakup its like there has been a death so for me that's 4 deaths in a years time. Its harder when you lose someone in a relationship situation because there is no closure. You will over analyze everything they say trying to find a glimmer of hope. Best thing to do is to force feed yourself to be busy. I can't say I am always into whateva I am doing but the point for me is to be active push myself to be active the clouds will start to clear out and the sun will shine :>)
Remember that you are #1 not him and not you 2 as a couple You are #1 be a little selfish go buy those shoes you wanted or whatever else it is you can do to treat yourself. It helped me allot. Be careful right now you are very vulnerable. GOOD LUCK!

farfrmnormal · Oct 11, 2007, 12:57 PM

Since mentioning he wanted some time to think, he has never said its over.

He has chosen to go to therapy for himself – but also so that we can be better together. This is where our circumstances are different – its not a break up. He is contacting me, but not like he used to. So when he doesn't this is when I get the urge to call and my mind races with negative thoughts. I just want to know how to curb those – that's all.

kuulski · Oct 11, 2007, 01:06 PM

Originally Posted by farfrmnormal

Since mentioning he wanted some time to think, he has never said its over.

He has chosen to go to therapy for himself – but also so that we can be better together. This is where our circumstances are different – its not a break up. He is contacting me, but not like he used to. So when he doesn’t this is when I get the urge to call and my mind races with negative thoughts. I just want to know how to curb those – that’s all.

The only thing I can tell you is stay busy. That's the best way and also Balance your life. If you are getting the urge to call him and having negative thoughts sounds like you are not busy enough. I could be wrong just my opinion :>)

farfrmnormal · Oct 11, 2007, 01:08 PM

I know I'm not busy enough – but the kicker is, its when I am at work. After work I have no problem avoiding the phone and not calling. Work is killing me – I find I am spacing my work out so I have things to do all day. But it looks bad because when people walk by (It always seems to be at the wrong time) I am stretching or looking off into space. LOL man – I need a new job. BUT if I get a new job I would have to move at least 2 hrs away to find one. That's another debate on my mind – do I move and leave this all behind? Balls!

kuulski · Oct 11, 2007, 01:11 PM

Originally Posted by farfrmnormal

I know I’m not busy enough – but the kicker is, its when I am at work. After work I have no problem avoiding the phone and not calling. Work is killing me – I find I am spacing my work out so I have things to do all day. But it looks bad because when people walk by (It always seems to be at the wrong time) I am stretching or looking off into space. LOL man – I need a new job. BUT if I get a new job I would have to move at least 2 hrs away to find one. That’s another debate on my mind – do I move and leave this all behind? Balls!

Well I work behind a desk also when me and my ex broke up and even now work is definitley the hardest time for me because we talked while we were both at work text, calls, etc.. I can definitley relate. You may want to write things down that you are feeling that helped me. Also what do you do during lunch? I started going to lunch with co - workers and that helped me also.

GlindaofOz · Oct 11, 2007, 01:15 PM

That is the hardest part. Its easy to space out at work and let your mind drift to negative thoughts and have the desire to contact him severely increase. Stupid job.

Well what you need to do is think about what's best for you (in regards to the job situation) and expect the relationship to follow. There is nothing wrong with seeking personal satisfaction and 2 hours away is not that far. My last boyfriend lived about 1.5 hours away we still found time to see each other one night a week then on weekends. Maybe considering the situation it might be good to get some actually physical space it might allow both of you to work towards your personal goals. But that decision is up to you - not one I would presume to press upon you.

As for those nasty negative thoughts maybe every time one pops up tell it "NO!" then think of something positive. Set a boundary for yourself that there is to be no contact while at work. Work is work time and personal time is personal time and consider there to be a moratorium on personal calls during the day.

farfrmnormal · Oct 11, 2007, 01:16 PM

I go home for lunch. There are few days a week where people actually get together and go for lunch. This place is very “clicky” where those who have worked here for a while seem to gravitate to one another. On my first day, no one asked me if I wanted to eat lunch with them. Ever since then I go home – there are a few of us that go out occasionally, but not all the time.

What's difficult for me is, my ex was always the one to call me and sometimes it REALLY bothered me the amount that he called. But now that he is not calling, I miss it.

The negative thoughts surround us - and I have been pretty good lately. Today for example - I have not sent any text messages, nor have I had the urge to call him. I want to trust that he will be in contact with me and that's all I can do.

But things are looking up since our last discussion - that's all can hope for.

We decided on our own personal deadlines and we aren't going to tell one another - less pressure on one another. I feel that my timeline is fair to both of us - will also give him time to have more sessions with his counselor

rol · Oct 15, 2007, 07:14 AM

<That's another debate on my mind – do I move and leave this all behind? Balls!>

Why not do that, get a new job, if you don't like the one you have why stay in it.

Make your own hapiness.

<Since mentioning he wanted some time to think, he has never said its over.

>
What is he thinking about really?

Are you thinking about you want as well? I hope so.
Do you really want someone like this who can leave a relationship to 'think'?

Would a proper break not be the best at this ppoint so that you can get on with your life ?
Waiting in limbo while he thinks does not seem like a good place to be.