[Momwithfour]

I have four daughters. The oldest will be 19 in a week. She had been heavily involved in competitive sports and school which kept her focused and too busy to chase around. Now that she has graduated and is no longer participating in sports she has begun going out with friends we don't know and not coming home at a reasonable time. She's enrolled at the community college and has a part time job. We provide her a car to drive - including the gas and insurance but she has to pay for her tuition, books, cell phone and misc. expenses (clothes, hair cuts, etc.).

I feel she should have a reasonable curfew - 11:00 during the week and an agreed upon time if she is going out on the weekends (depended on what the circumstances are... who, what, where, etc.). She feels that is childish.

It's a Tuesday night. I have three younger children to get up for school in the morning, a job to be at, and volunteering I have to do from 5-8:30 pm tomorrow. She has classes in the morning as well. I feel this it is unreasonable for her to come in at a riduculous hour (risking waking her sisters, the dog and knowing I won't sleep until she is home).

The last time she did this I told her that I would take away social use of the car. I am at my wits end.

What's reasonable?

[iAMfromHuntersBar]

I'm sure someone will come along pretty soon with a lot of great advice - but can I just say that if you threaten to do something, like take the car away, then you don't do it when she breaks the rules, she's going to continue to see how much she can get away with!

If you make a threat of punishment I feel you need to make sure you follow it through!

J

[Ygramul]

I was a wild pre-adult. My parents took my car away, too. So, I simply had my friends come pick me up to stay out as late/early as I wanted. She will find a way to get what she wants. Rebelliousness breeds creative problem-solving skills.
My mother's solution was to talk. Incessantly. She didn't yell or threaten. She never got emotional. She just talked at length about how staying out late could lead to all kinds of potential harm to me and to my friends. She talked so much every time I did it that I came home on time just to avoid those sermons. Also, when I wasn't tuning her out, I actually learned a few life-lessons that still apply.
Somehow, my mother knew that teaching me correct behaviour, instead of merely taking away privileges, would lead to learning instead of resentment.

[macksmom]

Well there is a couple issues going on here...

She is 19... techincally an adult, and should be able to make her own decisions and start living her life on her own... I don't agree with you setting a "cerfew" for her... she's 19!

But that being said, I do understand why you still think you can do these things, she is living in your house and using you car. So you can always fall back on the old saying "you are living under my roof, you will go by my rules".

You need to sit down with her and talk. Explain you reasoning for wanting her to come home at a reasonable hour (althought I think 11pm is asking a bit much, you need to remember she's 19)... but tell her your concerns about your other children waking up etc. You could set a time, not for her to be home by, but an understanding that if she is out and it gets to be past this certain time she needs to crash with a friend or something for the night. If you guys can talk and compromise a bit it will be better for everyone.

If you both decide on something, make sure she knows the results of her not following the mutual decision is for you to stop letting her use the car. And if the problem worsens tell her she needs to find an apartment of her own if she doesn't like living by your rules.

[earl237]

Hi, I respect your opinion on this, but I believe that a curfew is not realistic for a 19-year-old. 18 is legally an adult and many people are married and have children at that age. If you treat an adult like a child, they may have trouble living in the adult world and won't develop coping skills and responsibility. Being too strict can also delay maturity. It is better to let over18s get their fill with the party scene so that they will get tired of it by the time they have to earn a living. People with too strict parents who feel they missed out on their younger years may still be partying and acting like teens well into their 30s. She is in college and has a job so I think she is mature enough to stay out late as long as she is not doing anything illegal.

[N0help4u]

It is your car your rules.
If you say anybody driving your car has to fill the tank regardless of where the needle was when they got in then they need to do that.

If you say they are not allowed to put more than 30 miles a day on the car they need to abide by that.

If you say only go to Wal Mart and straight back that is what they need to do.

So if you say for every time you do not have my car back BY 11 p.m. you do not use it at all for one full week.

As Iamfromhuntersbar said you have to follow through every time. You can, of course, say tonight you can stay out until midnight or 1 a.m.
But whatever you say should go and have consequences if not.

[logicalthinker]

My opinion is that a curfew at 19 is unreasonable. However, disrupting the sleep of the rest of the household is also unreasonable and rude. From what you posted, she seems to be a pretty responsible girl. She's continuing with school, working, and what not. Ultimately, it's your house, your car, and your rules. Out of respect for you as her parent, she should follow them.

[DoulaLC]

Just asked my 19 year old daughter for her take on it. School night, and given the circumstances of having other children to get up, etc. 11:00 is not being unreasonable.

An alternative, since she is 19, is that if she knows she is going to be later, call you and let you know that she is either going to be late, or that she is going to stay over at a friend's house. If she is attending class, doing well in school, fine at her job, pays for her own things, helps around the house... and keeps up on those things, let her have that bit of decision making. She would get around the car issue by having her friends pick her up. Have her fill you in on her friends more, meet them, so that you will be more comfortable about who she is with.

[lnewtp]

I don't think it should be about setting curfews on your nineteen year old as much as making house rules that best serve your family as a whole and allow everyone to be on a reasonable schedule. Stress the household's need for everyone to get a good night's sleep and tell her it's not acceptable for her to come and go between certain hours rather than imposing a curfew on her. If her lifestyle is incompatible with the rest of the family then she is an adult and can choose to move out and pay her own rent, car, insurance & gas bills. She'll have to weigh the benefits of living at home with the way it affects her social life and make an adult decision.

[s_cianci]

Well, she is 19 years old. Legalities aside and the fact that you pay her car expenses, one of the life skills that she has to learn is time management. Let me ask you this ; has her social activities interfered with her studies or her job? Has she gotten into any trouble as a result of socializing with these friends, the fact that you don't know them notwithstanding? I can understand your desire to protect your daughter but, at the same time, you don't want to be overprotective nor do you want to go on a power trip. Right now your 3 younger children require more of your time and attention so schedule your life accordingly.

[pegbdly32]

Though my daughter is still in school and very active in sports, I have my concerns about her behaving as your daughter is. Currently I encourage her to apply to colleges where she is able to still compete in her chosen sport. I also make her aware that there are adult basketball and softball groups in the area, so there is no need to give up what she has always loved doing. It would take a little research on your daughter's part, I'm sure she could find a soccer/basketball/softball group in your area. If she doesn't want to join alone, encourage her to invite a friend and/or ex-teammate along to join with her. Is she interested in performing community service? I think encouraging constructive behavior is much better than any threats you could throw at her. Threats and/or ultimatums lead to a non-productive and non-communicative relationship. I am sure that is the last thing you want. Encourage her to invite her friends over to your place, agreeing upon a reasonable time for their departure. Discuss your concerns about her siblings and your lack of sleep (most likely due to your concern for her safety). I find sitting down and discussing my feelings with my daughter has always kept us close and the lines of communication wide open thereby allowing for compromise when appropriate. I would watch to be sure her grades do not slip. Let her know your expectations where her grades are concerned. Should they slip below average in any class, for example, she'll start paying for her own gas (until the grade comes back up). Should she continue into the next marking period and is still doing poorly, let her know you expect say 25% of the insurance bill for that 3-month period. If she values her money, wants to continue school and has any respect for you at all, I think you will find that with these conditions she'll be sure to keep her grades up and more likely to be home at a descent hour to be sure she not only has all of her work done, but she gets the sleep required to be able to comprehend what is going on in her classes. It's all about being respectful. These little lessons just may help promote a show of more respect. Good Luck!